I wish I could have a girlfriend

[All-Rounder]

and that is why every aspie like us is romantically & sexually suffering & girls & women don't care.they just don't care.i would rather lay with a giant teddy bear,while going out with a female aspie than with girls & women like that.

Me too.

 

[Markness]

and that is why every aspie like us is romantically & sexually suffering & girls & women don't care.they just don't care. would rather lay with a giant teddy bear,while going out with a female aspie than with girls & women like that while avoiding them like a ninja,as well as the ones in my neighborhood,who may know me by appearance & maybe by name,like i would've done back in high school,now some of those girls or women who may know me from high school might be living in the same neighborhood as me.P.S:the school that i went to is right in my neighborhood.

I don't think so. There are aspies on Wrong Planet who boast about getting dates and having regular sex. Ironically, they claim to be feminists and hate Donald Trump but at the same time use the same words he does. *rolls eyes*

 

[frink]

I am 36 and married for 6 years now. In college I was unsure if I'd ever be able to have any luck with a relationship. It took a lot of work. I read many books on relationships and over time gained some semblance of an understanding of what qualities women generally find attractive. This at least allowed me to successfully contact women and start conversing. I had many embarrassing moments. I was insecure and lacked confidence in myself for a lot of years. Much of this probably had to do with being on the spectrum but not knowing it.

In my 20s I had a couple of long term relationships that were, in retrospect, pretty bad fits, but from which I learned a lot about myself. I was so happy to be in any relationship at all that I pretty much ignored obvious signs that the relationship was destined to fail and was determined to keep them going at all costs until the women eventually had to dump me. And from those "failures" I learned what type of person I actually want. I eventually married someone I met from one of the online dating sites, which told us we were a 98% fit based on over 500 questions we each answered. We're both pretty quirky -- I suspect she's somewhere on a neurodiversity spectrum not too far for me -- and somehow mesh together quite well.

I did not know I was on the spectrum when I dated or got married, so I am not sure how helpful this is. But I suppose my advise is to work on yourself as much as you can, read about dating and relationships from varying viewpoints, especially those unlike yourself such as women and NT men. The most important thing is to establish a positive and constructive viewpoint about yourself. And try to learn what your values and goals are about having a relationship. Have confidence in it and be honest about it both to yourself and anyone you might date. And try to be patient, it is a learning process. You will probably have a lot of failures but each failure can be a learning opportunity.

 

[Fino]

I have a theory that it's easier to be with men, as someone with AS, just because of the social etiquette and such expected of each gender in each relationship type and that how that works against Men seeking Women more than it does others.

 

[Mr Allen]

As mad as it sounds, I did a quiz on Facebook last week, and it said that this year, I'd end up married with twins! I was like, eh? For one thing I'm not dating, and secondly, at 40 odd if I was ever destined for 1 child never mind 2 at once, I'd probably have at least teenagers by now if not a kid in early to mid 20s.

 

[BradT]

Why not try long distance relationships? I did in the past from women in California strangely and had luck. Is their any long distance dating websites around that anyone knows of? It could be different surroundings, I was born and raised in Tennessee, but when I visited California I felt more comfortable talking to women there than in my own state.

 

[Tankgirlboy77]

• Apart from some basic generalisations (which may be true on average), stop thinking of people as "women". Mainly because if you seem desperate for the company and attention of women generally, any one woman will see right through that. Show genuine interest in the one person you are actually interested in, and then if she is interested in you too you can go from there. But if you feign an interest in the hope of getting some attention, this will likely lead nowhere.
• Confidence, confidence, confidence. This is pretty much all that matters. I don't mean the superficial confidence that basically comes across as being a jerk, although a lot of guys try this because the distinction between genuine and faux confidence is hard to define, and sometimes even faking it will get you some attention. But by confidence I mean you need to come across as someone who is entirely at home with themselves, not fussed by the judgement of others, someone who has passions and interests that are intriguing to others, someone who is not self serious and is able to laugh at himself, and because of all this is a fun and interesting presence and is someone you would want to spend more time around.
• Lower your expectations. Don't go for the most attractive girls, because statistically they have a much wider pool of guys to choose from, and like it or not, physical appearance matters to them, so don't expect them to see the 'great guy inside' without making realistic allowances about physical appearance. Aim for the female equivalent of yourself. It's not the thing these days to think of people being in 'leagues' but on the whole I think there is some truth to this.
• Go to lots of groups, clubs, events that are centered around things you are genuinely interested in, and look for potential partners there. You admit you are not mainstream, so make that realisation into a strength and stop wasting time on people you may not have much in common with anyway.
• Don't worry about it. To an annoying extent, luck plays a role. Also accept your limitations. I suspect most aspies struggle with this and many end up having to accept that this will never be a reality for them. There is more to life than this side of things, and I'm sure you have things in your life that bring value and meaning. Emphasize these aspects and try to relax about romantic expectations. You might consider looking for a fellow ASD partner - this might make it easier. But generally, try to make life as a whole agreeable to you so that you can be as happy with yourself as possible. You are way more likely to exude an authentic charm if you are genuinely contented and good to be around, rather than if you give off excessive self deprecation, nervous energy or desperation for attention.

 

[Tankgirlboy77]

As mad as it sounds, I did a quiz on Facebook last week, and it said that this year, I'd end up married with twins! I was like, eh? For one thing I'm not dating, and secondly, at 40 odd if I was ever destined for 1 child never mind 2 at once, I'd probably have at least teenagers by now if not a kid in early to mid 20s.

On the other hand, the Facebook quiz has spoken, so I think it's safe to assume it will all come true.

 

[Fino]

• Apart from some basic generalisations (which may be true on average), stop thinking of people as "women". Mainly because if you seem desperate for the company and attention of women generally, any one woman will see right through that. Show genuine interest in the one person you are actually interested in, and then if she is interested in you too you can go from there. But if you feign an interest in the hope of getting some attention, this will likely lead nowhere.
• Confidence, confidence, confidence. This is pretty much all that matters. I don't mean the superficial confidence that basically comes across as being a jerk, although a lot of guys try this because the distinction between genuine and faux confidence is hard to define, and sometimes even faking it will get you some attention. But by confidence I mean you need to come across as someone who is entirely at home with themselves, not fussed by the judgement of others, someone who has passions and interests that are intriguing to others, someone who is not self serious and is able to laugh at himself, and because of all this is a fun and interesting presence and is someone you would want to spend more time around.
• Lower your expectations. Don't go for the most attractive girls, because statistically they have a much wider pool of guys to choose from, and like it or not, physical appearance matters to them, so don't expect them to see the 'great guy inside' without making realistic allowances about physical appearance. Aim for the female equivalent of yourself. It's not the thing these days to think of people being in 'leagues' but on the whole I think there is some truth to this.
• Go to lots of groups, clubs, events that are centered around things you are genuinely interested in, and look for potential partners there. You admit you are not mainstream, so make that realisation into a strength and stop wasting time on people you may not have much in common with anyway.
• Don't worry about it. To an annoying extent, luck plays a role. Also accept your limitations. I suspect most aspies struggle with this and many end up having to accept that this will never be a reality for them. There is more to life than this side of things, and I'm sure you have things in your life that bring value and meaning. Emphasize these aspects and try to relax about romantic expectations. You might consider looking for a fellow ASD partner - this might make it easier. But generally, try to make life as a whole agreeable to you so that you can be as happy with yourself as possible. You are way more likely to exude an authentic charm if you are genuinely contented and good to be around, rather than if you give off excessive self deprecation, nervous energy or desperation for attention.

Wow, anyone who needs help should print this out!

 

[Mr Allen]

On the other hand, the Facebook quiz has spoken, so I think it's safe to assume it will all come true.

Aye, and I might win the UK National Lottery tonight mate, it's a known factual fact that not everything on the 'Net is Gospel truth.

 

[BradT]

I guess the only way to be in a relationship is to not say anything at all about aspergers.

 

[Markness]

I feel scared that I've fallen too far behind to ever establish a relationship and I am worried there are no more single gothic, nerdy/geeky, and otaku women.

 

[Markness]

I am starting to feel like I will only be able to have a girlfriend if a cure for Aspergers ever comes into existence. I hate that I am 30 and I can't even get a basic coffee date. I also hate that girls didn't like me when I was in school and it's carried over into my adulthood.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I am starting to feel like I will only be able to have a girlfriend if a cure for Aspergers ever comes into existence. I hate that I am 30 and I can't even get a basic coffee date. I also hate that girls didn't like me when I was in school and it's carried over into my adulthood.

I strongly doubt Asperger's is fully to blame for that. There's likely multiple factors at play here.

 

[Markness]

I strongly doubt Asperger's is fully to blame for that. There's likely multiple factors at play here.

The social avenues in the culture I live in feel like they are meant for NTs only, though. Even the anime conventions and alternative music shows I've gone to aren't very aspie friendly although I have a feeling aspies born and raised in Austin's culture have an edge over me since I was born in a church and Walmart heavy Texas city.

I just feel so distraught that my 20's have passed me by and I am no different then I was as a teen when it comes to romance which I have zero history of during that time. I didn't even get to "fool around" with girls in my teens.

 

[SunnyDay16]

The social avenues in the culture I live in feel like they are meant for NTs only, though. Even the anime conventions and alternative music shows I've gone to aren't very aspie friendly although I have a feeling aspies born and raised in Austin's culture have an edge over me since I was born in a church and Walmart heavy Texas city.

I just feel so distraught that my 20's have passed me by and I am no different then I was as a teen when it comes to romance which I have zero history of during that time. I didn't even get to "fool around" with girls in my teens.

There are more than enough aspies in loving relationships. While I'm not denying that Asperger's makes it harder, it's in no way a game over for you just because you have it. It's just going to take a special person to accept how it affects you when it comes to socializing among other things.

Society places huge value on sexual experimentation and dating in your teens, but it's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer. Sex really isn't that big of a deal. It's nice to have and all, but it's even nicer when you're having it with someone you really care about.

 

[paloftoon]

If you feel you aren't eligible enough to other people, think about things you can focus on and work on those things. If it's exercise, concentrate on that. If it's getting a full time job, work on that. If it's multiple things, just pick one thing at a time and work on that. In the mean time, you don't have to stop looking. Only when you need a break or don't feel like looking anymore. Try to allow each reaction to be as natural as possible.

Also, if you've rejected some people who were into you, it's possible your expectations are too high. Also remember, looking for a partner is looking for a person who complements you. Don't try to look for someone who will solve your problems because you need to solve your own problems. People can help you along the way, but ultimately, it is you who needs to be the one to change your situation.

You can consider reading "The Vortex" if you like self help books. I usually hate self help books, but this first three chapters I've listened to via audio CD seem very well spoken.

It's not easy and there is no one way.

 

[BradT]

I am starting to feel like I will only be able to have a girlfriend if a cure for Aspergers ever comes into existence. I hate that I am 30 and I can't even get a basic coffee date. I also hate that girls didn't like me when I was in school and it's carried over into my adulthood.

Well I'm 30 and have aspergers too, but I'm nervous too be around women.

 

[Mr Allen]

Having grown up around female family members in my early years because Dad was away a lot for work, I have no problem being around women.

Except weird ones from Houston, Texas like the one who messaged me on Facebook Messenger this morning asking for a serious relationship, I was literally like, eh? From her profile pic I'd assume that at nearly 43 I'm loads too old for her anyway, but that aside, she wanted to come to the UK to meet me! No way, especially if she wanted me to pay, as pointed out I am on benefits, I don't have 5 Grand for a return journey for some random from Texas to the UK.

 

[Markness]

There are more than enough aspies in loving relationships. While I'm not denying that Asperger's makes it harder, it's in no way a game over for you just because you have it. It's just going to take a special person to accept how it affects you when it comes to socializing among other things.

Society places huge value on sexual experimentation and dating in your teens, but it's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer. Sex really isn't that big of a deal. It's nice to have and all, but it's even nicer when you're having it with someone you really care about.

I remember when the depression was kicking in and I found out I had Aspergers, I read some things online about aspie males being single for life and it terrified me. I wonder if I was better off not knowing about those stories but I couldn't stop wondering why I didn't have a girlfriend while pretty much every other guy around me did. I also heard the phrase "Nice guys finish last" and someone linked me Heartless Bitches International's site that had articles like under a link called "Nice Guys = BLEAH!".

I think one of the biggest things working against me is how both genders are heavily divided in the culture I live in. Men are generally pushed to like country or rap music, watch football religiously, go crazy for vehicles, and watch violent entertainment while women are generally pushed to like pop music, gabber on their cellphones, shop religiously for clothes as well as other "feminine" things, and read romance novels.

Two of my detractors on Wrong Planet have actually told me to seek out sex instead of relationships until I am "fit" to date. I find that advice to be absurd because if you struggle to make basic friendships, how can you expect to "hook up" with anyone?