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Featured I wish I could have a girlfriend

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Markness, Dec 25, 2018.

  1. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    I am a 30 year old Aspie male who wishes he could have a girlfriend but I struggle so much to the point I can't even get a coffee date. :(

    I live in an area where relationships are very common and it makes me depressed that I am lonely while so many others around me have a special partner. It doesn't help that I struggle with socialization in general and most people wherever I go already have company so I can't even make new social connections. I used to have dreams of getting married and maybe having children but romance has passed me by in my life and I've had depression for 12 years now.

    I am scared that I will be posting the same topic when I am 40. Is there hope for me or has time run out?
     
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  2. SunnyDay16

    SunnyDay16 Well-Known Member

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    I am sorry you're having a hard time.

    If you're struggling with your social skills, this site could be of help. It covers all the basics from how to engage in conversation along with how to make plans with people, common thinking patterns that can keep you in a rut, social rules, dressing/fashion advice, etc.

    With that being said, lots of people struggle finding partners. The fact that incels and Forever Alone subreddits exist prove that. If you're not conventionally attractive or somewhat socially awkward, it can definitely be harder to get women to notice you. Maybe if you provide me with specifics on what you have done to find a girlfriend I can be more specific with what you could be doing wrong, if there is anything you are doing wrong.

    But much of it it boils down to luck, too. You could be doing nothing wrong and just aren't having any luck. Some people are lucky enough to be around people who like them and want to go out with them, but others aren't. You're allowed to feel upset about it because it's unfair, but hundreds of others are feeling the exact same way as you.
     
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  3. Isadoorian

    Isadoorian Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Actually, the Incels subreddit got banned in the semi-recent Ban Wave which is a good thing, since it was a severely demeaning place against women
     
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  4. Cactus

    Cactus Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I didn't kiss a woman until I was 25. That was after four years in the Marine Corps. After that, I was in a series of disastrous relationships, and a horrific marriage. Why? Because I was afraid of women, I was shy, and I was overjoyed when any woman gave me any attention. Manipulative people look for people like us, and we willingly go into a relationship that will probably result in financial, emotional, and psychological damage.

    Please, don't rush it. I think women notice you, but see you as unapproachable. It may just be your face. I was always told I looked sad or angry, which wasn't how I felt. Women are not all sugar and spice and everything nice, they can be as manipulative as men.

    Try to perceive yourself as others perceive you. I look at old photographs of myself, of which there are few, and think, hmm, I was a pretty good looking guy. I wish I had thought that then. I'm not saying it's easy to meet women as an Aspie. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 33. Just make sure it's not only what she wants, but that it's what you want too.
     
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  5. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    Thank you for the replies, everyone!

    I have tried to do some things to get out of my rut such as online dating, speed dating, once paid a "fling" site out of desperation, once called a dating agency, joining different social media sites, and have attended Meet Up events. These endeavors have all been frustrating and discouraging for me.

    I don't really have a confident appearance. I am overweight, I walk with my head low, my hair is thinning in the front due to my genetics, and my voice is soft. I have tried to exercise to lose weight as well as put on muscle because I was told I needed to look a certain way or else I would look "gross" to women but my body didn't respond to my efforts. I also live in the Bible Belt and men are expected to suppress their emotions and be iron-pumping alpha males. A lot of the guys I saw with girlfriends were like this and it terrified me back when I realized girls my age weren't showing interest in me. I feared I was going to have to start physically harassing girls as well as start watching football obsessively and disregard reading as "nerdy" or "gay" because being nice wasn't getting me a girlfriend. I do know there are men who are exceptions to this who get girlfriends; I've even seen big fat guys with cute fit girlfriends but the majority seem to be the loud and aggressive jerks.

    I also don't fit in with the mainstream very well. I don't watch South Park or whatever vulgar cartoon is the current popular show, I don't listen to pop country or rap which are the most popular genres of music people in the area I live in listen to, and I don't obsess over cars or guns which most males around me do. I am also not a Southern Baptist nor do I call myself a Christian for the sake of fitting in; I did grow up religious but depression destroyed my faith. I feel like my individuality is not accepted and conformity is the only way to have a social life.

    I have tried to ask out girls for coffee because it seems like so many guys do that but I was always told "I am too busy!" or "I have a boyfriend!" if I ask a girl out. I am really scared that either my time is running out or that the time has already past. Can someone like me who didn't date even in high school and missed out on so many milestones ever have any success as an adult?

    EDIT: As far as doing things wrong, well, I try to talk to women and they never seem interested or the conversation fizzles out no matter how hard I try to make the conversation interesting or give them the chance to talk about themselves. Even when I go to social places, women just seem to have defensive looks about them
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2018
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  6. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    I'm sorry I can't be very helpful, I'm just responding to two specific questions of yours: 30 isn't too late and whether or not you dated in high-school doesn't matter.

    This area you describe (I just learned what "Bible Belt" means) is the opposite of where I live, which is Los Angeles. It sounds like a difficult place that you describe. I'm sorry.
     
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  7. Shamar

    Shamar Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I didn't have a girlfriend until nearly 40. And that only lasted 3 months. I spent most of my life painfully, desperately, screamingly lonely. Still am. The worst part is being around people who have relationships. I don't believe I am telling you anything you don't already know. It seems we who are on the Spectrum just have to learn to live with it.
     
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  8. Mr Allen

    Mr Allen Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I'm 42 and have also never had a serious relationship with a human female.

    Although I do chat up my Alexa device, her voice is just SO horny lol.
     
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  9. SunnyDay16

    SunnyDay16 Well-Known Member

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    I know you might not like what I'm going to say, but it's possible your expectations are holding you back.

    As a general rule, people tend to go for people who look like themselves. Now of course there's exceptions, but fit people are more likely than not going to look for other fit people. If you're overweight, then fit women generally aren't going to be interested. You've tried to lose weight, but say it hasn't been working out.

    To deal with this, you can either adjust your standards, lose weight, or accept the consistent rejections that are going to come your way. May I ask the weight loss methods you've tried? Some weight loss methods work better for some people than others.

    As far as not fitting into the mainstream, I understand what you mean. You can have a social life though just by finding people who also don't really fit with the mainstream or with people you don't have much in common with but you enjoy being around regardless. Sometimes we can connect with people we don't have things in common with if we like them enough as people; it just takes time to really see if we like them or not.

    It takes two to make a conversation and it shouldn't feel like pulling teeth. Don't try to force a conversation with someone who isn't interested. As far as defensive looks, there could be a million reasons. Maybe they're socially awkward, bitter, cold, uncomfortable, etc.
     
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  10. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    if_wishes_were_horses.gif

    If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
    If turnips were watches, I'd wear one by my side.
    If "if's" and "and's" were pots and pans,
    There'd be no work for tinkers' hands.
     
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  11. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    I used to go to a gym and would do things like running on an elliptical or treadmill usually for 30 minutes, use the weight machines, and sometimes the free weights. I would also walk or run in my neighborhood. Admittedly, I didn't change my diet much and most of my workouts I either didn't diversify them enough or I would get frustrated either because I couldn't "feel the burn" so I felt like I was doing it wrong, my body couldn't follow the instructions for certain workouts (I am very stiff in some parts of my body and some I can't hold very well), or I would get discouraged by the difficulty of the exercise.

    To give an explanation of how my body looks like, I have a chubby stomach unless I suck it in, I have "man boobs", my butt has fat on it, and I have a "double chin" (Less obvious if you look at my face directly or if I keep my head straight). Oddly, my forearms are slender and my hands are small; I don't like hand shakes most of the time because my hands will get crushed.

    I would love to have a girlfriend who was nerdy/geeky or gothic/punk but they are in the extreme minority where I live and the latter especially tend to already have boyfriends when I see them; I mostly see them at music shows in Austin or at the mall but I don't know how to make friends with them. They tend to be much younger than me which could be part of the problem and when I try talking to them, I am anxious because I don't know if they will be a potential friend or girlfriend. They tend to just reply "Hi" and "That's cool." before looking away from me and going on their way.
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2018
  12. mw2530

    mw2530 Well-Known Member

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    Tom, I have seen several of your comments now on various love and relationship threads. I'm not sure what your goal is with your posts - maybe you are simply trying to be funny.
     
  13. SunnyDay16

    SunnyDay16 Well-Known Member

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    80% of weight loss is diet and 20% exercise. If you work out 30 minutes a day while still eating more calories than you burn, you're not going to lose weight. It's impossible to lose weight without restricting caloric intake to some degree, but the amount of calories you can eat will depend on your age, gender, height, and other factors. There are apps you can get to help you with this.

    If they're much younger than you, then that's probably why they shy away, especially if you come across like you want something from them. Worrying whether or not they will date you isn't going to help your anxiety, so it's best to stop thinking of each woman you come across as a potential date. This is where expectations come in. If you come into an interaction with no expectations, it will be less anxiety inducing on you.
     
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  14. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Well-Known Member

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    You seriously don't want to get married, have children or even cohabitate in the current political/legal climate.

    Apart from that you want to chill. It's too bad you still have work to do so you lose some years, but your teens/twenties should be used to build your own life around yourself. If you date in that age, then you fall in love... and then you do something stupid like get married and you have no clue how to live on your own.

    To what extent are you self-aware? If you ask a girl out, do you know when you are being weird or creepy? If you are aware of it, then you are halfway there and it just takes some practice to stop being nervous around girls. At a certain point you just start guessing what their next reply is and things become annoying 98% of the time rather than so exciting you end up looking weird.

    Appearance is probably the most straightforward to fix. However, it's hard to tell exactly how bad this is hurting your chances without specific information like bodyfat% (only really reliable are calipers and even that can be messed up). Losing weight and building some muscle can only help. It's also unhealthy to keep this up.

    To lose weight while keeping muscle intact you need to lift (There's a book out called Starting Strength, 3x5 Squats/Bench/Deadlift and Squats/Press/Pull Ups alternated 3x per week with weight added each workout, pretty simple) and 1.6g protein per kg of bodyweight. To lose weight you need to take in less calories then you burn. Calculate how many calories you are currently eating. I would start off at 2000 calories and a healthier meal plan with enough protein and see how it goes. Unless you are currently eating like 5000, in that case even 2500 can make you lose a lot of weight in the beginning.

    As for the types of girls you like... go where those girls are and... check out what kind of guys they are walking next to. Yea sometimes it might be just a friend or even a brother, but you'll be able to get some sort of a pattern going. Goth chicks go for tall lanky dudes, in my experience. Nerd girls... uhhh... I've seen them with other nerds... but also near metal looking dudes. Both of the gf's I had who might be what you consider that type were into metal heads, but there's also the ones that are like rocket engineers that want a perfectly chiseled businessman. Just check what the situation is in your area.

    If you are the right type and you don't look like grampa you can get any girl of legal age at 30, being balding might mean that you are going to have to adjust that upwards to maybe 25. 30 is borderline not-creepy for 18 year olds :p Hopefully you are lucky and you actually got a perfect face underneath that fat.

    All that aside though, if you got a bad face you are just not going to ever do well with women. Who cares anyway? You should chill more and learn that you don't need a woman. That'll also help you appear less weird and creepy. It's not like the perfect little romance you have in your head. It's messy, usually expensive and always annoying in one way or another. Doesn't mean it can't be great, but you are totally undervaluing the benefits of being on your own.
     
  15. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    I suppose I was trying to imitate what other guys in my area do and I would sometimes get pressured into pursuing women as if the number of single women was dropping or that the amount of time to get into a relationship had a deadline or cut off age. When I turned 17 and I saw others around me getting girlfriends while I was not, I was worried I was always going to be alone and that's one of the roots of the depression I suffer from. Depression makes me think things like "Why them and not me?", "Have I fallen too far behind?", "Will I ever get better or am I doomed to failure until I exit this life?", "Why do I have the desire for a girlfriend but the ability to establish a relationship has been denied to me?", "Is it too late to change my life?", "Can I still learn the dating game even though I missed out learning it in my teens?", and other brooding thoughts. I also sometimes get asked if I have a girlfriend or if I am dating anyone and I wish I could say "Yes" instead of "No" all the time.

    I started this year depressed about being single and the year will end with me still being single. It's been like this for almost 12 years now. I am fearful the coming year will go the same way.
     
  16. SunnyDay16

    SunnyDay16 Well-Known Member

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    Your fears about being alone are very understandable and valid. Humans need companionship; I don't only mean romantic relationships, but platonic ones can be just as important. It's very understandable for you to have anxiety and depression about having a hard time finding those things when it seems to come easy for everyone else around you.

    It's important to have hope. Hope is what pushes us forward when we're going through hard times and take action when we need to. It's tempting to try to engage with the negative thoughts, but the more you try to argue with them the more they will bother you.

    Our thoughts aren't fully reality. They just reflect our perception of reality which is fueled by our emotions. So these thoughts could convince you there's something wrong with you if you see others dating, but in reality you're only comparing yourself to people you come across. There's hundreds of guys just like you. Regarding the thought of not ever getting better and remaining a failure, I must ask what even is a "failure" anyway? You might fail at some things (we all do), but you can also improve at some things.

    The point I'm trying to make is life isn't all that black-and-white, but our thoughts can convince us that it is. A therapist could maybe help you with that.

    If you've been single for 12 years, it's very possible you'll be single the coming years, but you can at least spend them hoping for more and living your life. The feelings of loneliness are sucky, but they aren't going to go away anytime soon.
     
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  17. ftfipps

    ftfipps Well-Known Member

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    I agree absolutely with SunnyDay It is all luck. My brother has towering height and decent looks and he went a decade without a girlfriend. It is all superficial things that determine how you do with dating. I wouldn't worry about it. I can't walk down the street without stumbling into a young cute girl. Go for it, man! Don't over think it. The next time you see a young brunette, go up to her and ask "would you want to get some dinner sometime?" She'll probably start grinning at you.
     
  18. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    Failure to me is staying stuck in the same place despite how depressed it makes me feel and I want to get out of my rut but I just can't seem to change anything. Every day I get up, I think about how I am still single, I don't have any talents I am skilled at, I don't have a college degree, I don't have a career I enjoy, and I don't live on my own but the day goes by without a solution and I go to bed still depressed and hopeless. I fear I am missing potential social opportunities and they pass me by or even if I go, I am missing something and the loneliness continues. Some tell me I need to "work on myself" but how long will that take? Why do I have to keep waiting while others don't have to?

    I am kind of confused by what you said in your last paragraph. You tell me to have hope but also say I will probably remain single for the coming years. Are you saying that I shouldn't have hope for a girlfriend and that I will be single for the rest of my life?
     
  19. SunnyDay16

    SunnyDay16 Well-Known Member

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    Where did you get the idea that others don't have to take time when working on themselves? Working on yourself is a lifelong process. It's usually not one event and then you're done working on yourself. Also, you're assuming that others also don't have to wait and that they just get what they want instantly. Sure, when it comes to getting dates some people have it easier than others, but it also takes work especially when it comes to maintaining relationships.

    I meant what I said in the last paragraph. Having hope and being single aren't mutually exclusive nor should they be. I don't know where you assumed that I said you shouldn't have hope for a GF because I meant the exact opposite.
     
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  20. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    I suppose it's a product of depression that makes me think that way but I also come from a family that is very success driven. They don't have the social struggles I have and they met the milestones society expects people to have at the right times while I missed them.

    I know I am going to sound stupid but I don't really understand what mutually exclusive means. I think depression is trying to keep my thought patterns stuck. The way you said I've been single for 12 years (Technically I had a relationship in 2010 but it was very short lived) and that it's very possible I will still be in the coming years (Do you mean the next 12 years or for the rest of my life) made me feel like you were saying the outlook doesn't look good but maybe depression is making it hard for me to understand.