I wish I could have a girlfriend

[SunnyDay16]

I suppose it's a product of depression that makes me think that way but I also come from a family that is very success driven. They don't have the social struggles I have and they met the milestones society expects people to have at the right times while I missed them.

I know I am going to sound stupid but I don't really understand what mutually exclusive means. I think depression is trying to keep my thought patterns stuck. The way you said I've been single for 12 years (Technically I had a relationship in 2010 but it was very short lived) and that it's very possible I will still be in the coming years (Do you mean the next 12 years or for the rest of my life) made me feel like you were saying the outlook doesn't look good but maybe depression is making it hard for me to understand.

I understand what you're saying. Everyone has their own timetables though, regardless of what society will say. Everyone is given different cards in life, so it's going to take different amounts of time for people to achieve certain things, and there's nothing wrong with that. All you can do is try and any little amount of progress is good.

If they don't have the same social struggles as you, then they might not understand why it's taking so long for you, but that just proves my point. It's hard to understand someone if you haven't been in their shoes. You can't compare your successes to theirs, because they're not going to be on the same wavelength obviously if you have struggles that they don't have.

Mutually exclusive means that two things can't occur at the same time. When you suggested that I was saying you shouldn't have hope because there's a chance you'll be single, you misunderstood what I was trying to get across. I'm saying that having hope and being single aren't mutually exclusive and they shouldn't be. Just because you are single, doesn't mean you can't/shouldn't hope for romance or work to increase your chances.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

If you are going to keep sulking nothing will change, just as you fear.
Try very hard to improve, and your chances are going to improve at the very least.

You have certain demands when it comes to the types of girls you like, and those girls that you like also have certain demands when it comes to the types of guys they like. The closer you get to what they are looking for the better your chances. There's no magic making you undateable but there is also no magic that will make women flock to you. It's all just hard work and effort.

 

[Henry:]

Hi man, I feel your struggle I truly do. If I was to give you any advice at all it would be to focus on trying something new join a club of some sort. Like an archery club or martial arts club. Hell it could be a knitting club, just think of something you have allways wanted to have a go at.
(I also have it on good authority that some formal dancing groups are crying out for men. It might feel a little weird at first but stick with it.)
In my experience woman tend to notice when you are good at something it doesent nescicarally meen they are attracted to you, but it gives you something to talk about. And when you are able to talk about something with passion,understanding and confidence I think woman like that.
All you need to do my friend is find that thing you are good at and let the world know about it.
I have allways told myself that what I lack in personality and social ability due to aspergers I make up for in work ethic, skill,tenacsity, sensitivity and reliability.
And those traits are far more important to a healthy and long term relationship.

 

[Onna]

I am a 30 year old Aspie male who wishes he could have a girlfriend but I struggle so much to the point I can't even get a coffee date.

I live in an area where relationships are very common and it makes me depressed that I am lonely while so many others around me have a special partner. It doesn't help that I struggle with socialization in general and most people wherever I go already have company so I can't even make new social connections. I used to have dreams of getting married and maybe having children but romance has passed me by in my life and I've had depression for 12 years now.

I am scared that I will be posting the same topic when I am 40. Is there hope for me or has time run out?

Perhaps you could try meeting someone online? Through a hobby/special interest group or something, somewhere where you can be yourself. I think if you focus on the special interest itself, and meet like minded people, you’re more likely to establish a genuine connection with someone, which makes the interaction easier. I’ve personally used dating sites in the past, it’s another option, but I’ll admit... the Aspergers made it bloody difficult! But if you keep going you might just get chatting to someone fairly close by, who you click with, someone who gets you. If you find yourself getting friendly with someone, you could throw in a couple of flirty messages to see how they react.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

there's indeed hope for you, but it's going to require a lot of hard work. there's no silver bullet solution.

getting in shape will help a lot. it won't happen overnight though. an alternative to that is to become wealthy. a woman will sacrifice a bit on looks for a man who has resources. you are going to have to learn how to socialize with people especially the opposite sex. there's no way around it. the internet is your friend in finding resources that can help. in all this, be persistent and be patient. rome wasn't built in a day.

i'm rounding the corner on 40 and haven't been in a relationship in a while and have gotten to a point where I wouldn't mind being a in a romantic relationship, but I'm fine with it never happening. obviously, many still yearn for a romantic relationship. those people will have to put in the work.

 

[MrSpock]

Different bodies require different exercise routines and different diets to achieve good fitness, and the types of good fitness achievable may be different.

Somebody with a really low metabolism, for example, might bulk up and look like Mr Schwarzenegger, but could never win the Tour de France, while many of the pro cyclists who are able to ride hundreds of kilometres every day for weeks at a time would have failed miserably if they'd pursued a career of body-building. Both can benefit from attention to diet, from cardio, and from lifting, but require different approaches for success, and success looks very different for each.

Maybe you know all this, but if not, please realize that fitness isn't just about putting in effort and being lucky, knowledge is key. It's very likely that your battle to be fit could be much more rewarding than your experience might suggest.

As for your age... not sure where you live, but modern technologies allow people in much of the world to live well past their mid-thirties. You ought to have many months, if not years, left to disappoint and be disappointed by women.

 

[Markness]

I understand what you're saying. Everyone has their own timetables though, regardless of what society will say. Everyone is given different cards in life, so it's going to take different amounts of time for people to achieve certain things, and there's nothing wrong with that. All you can do is try and any little amount of progress is good.

If they don't have the same social struggles as you, then they might not understand why it's taking so long for you, but that just proves my point. It's hard to understand someone if you haven't been in their shoes. You can't compare your successes to theirs, because they're not going to be on the same wavelength obviously if you have struggles that they don't have.

Mutually exclusive means that two things can't occur at the same time. When you suggested that I was saying you shouldn't have hope because there's a chance you'll be single, you misunderstood what I was trying to get across. I'm saying that having hope and being single aren't mutually exclusive and they shouldn't be. Just because you are single, doesn't mean you can't/shouldn't hope for romance or work to increase your chances.

I just hope I won't one day wake up as an old man and I am still single. I have read horror stories from both aspie and NT men who had this happen to them after years of struggle. I want to experience love in my youth and I am tired of always being alone when others have partners to share experiences with.
The odd thing is that I would sometimes get comments from others that I was attracted and shouldn't have a problem getting women to notice me. I remember someone at the local mental health clinic saying something like my "kindness and intelligence" would make me stand out. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I still saw the guys who physically harassed girls in high school still doing the same thing and getting all the dates.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I just hope I won't one day wake up as an old man and I am still single. I have read horror stories from both aspie and NT men who had this happen to them after years of struggle. I want to experience love in my youth and I am tired of always being alone when others have partners to share experiences with.
The odd thing is that I would sometimes get comments from others that I was attracted and shouldn't have a problem getting women to notice me. I remember someone at the local mental health clinic saying something like my "kindness and intelligence" would make me stand out. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I still saw the guys who physically harassed girls in high school still doing the same thing and getting all the dates.

I completely understand your fear of being alone and your frustration of not being able to find a partner. It seems to me you've been just unlucky in this regard. All you can do is try to put yourself out there, be open and honest about what you want, and work on your own insecurities. I hope that it will happen for you at some point.

You're a late bloomer, and that's okay. I must say I do find kindness and intelligence both attractive qualities so would plenty of other people. Maybe your type just has their own type.

 

[stans]

Have heart,

Everyone is possible. I married when I was still in college to a very bright nt who has tolerated and understood me over 55 years ago
We are still married and because of her support my life has gone beyond anything I could have predicted.
I am a working full time as a director of research.
Bless you in your journey.

 

[BrokenBoy]

I am a 30 year old Aspie male who wishes he could have a girlfriend but I struggle so much to the point I can't even get a coffee date.

I live in an area where relationships are very common and it makes me depressed that I am lonely while so many others around me have a special partner. It doesn't help that I struggle with socialization in general and most people wherever I go already have company so I can't even make new social connections. I used to have dreams of getting married and maybe having children but romance has passed me by in my life and I've had depression for 12 years now.

I am scared that I will be posting the same topic when I am 40. Is there hope for me or has time run out?

Get a tinder.

 

[Marina Phantom]

Have good hygiene, take some pride in your appearance, have interesting or relatable things to talk about, have a good sense of humor, and act with confidence and high self-esteem. You don't have to go to extremes to have a chance. Just be the kind of guy that people want to be around, and you'll also be the kind of guy that people will find attractive.

As for finding the right woman, you do that through networking. Approaching people spontaneously can send off negative vibes. Instead, you start with people at work, school, or similar who are already used to seeing you around. Get to know them, let them get to know you, and if they consider you a friend, you'll eventually get invited to eat lunch, go see a game, or do something similar. Most likely, they'll bring along a group of people that they also consider to be friends and introduce you to them. Get to know them, let them get to know you, and repeat until you find a woman that you sincerely like. Get to know her, let her get to know you, and then ask her out. If she says no, then go back and repeat the previous steps until you find another woman, and continue to repeat until you reach success. Your end result will be an excellent girlfriend as well as many cool and awesome friends.

From my experience, making friends and finding a girlfriend are two very similar things. Even with my small friend circle, I've had a few friends admit that they had crushes on me at one point, so if I asked them out, they probably would've said yes.

Toxic masculinity isn't what gets you dates; familiarity, compatibility, and feeling comfortable around one another is what does it.

 

[All-Rounder]

Hi. I like chubby geeks [ im dating an autist] , and for a long time I kept holding on to unhealthy relationships with the sort of lucky jerks you describe that i wish Id never had. They caused me lots of trauma and made me lose my time, spent the best years of my youth trying to please such men at my health's expense. I want to thank you for resisting the thoughts of trying to be abusive to rush your process of dating in a destructive way. Even though there is such a thing ppl who try to use others use that is trauma bonding, no person deserves that kind of treatment and as addicting as it is, it is very unpleasant and damaging. A better approach is confidence which is the good kind of attractive trait.

Ive started to discover there are better boys out there and to admire and consider them as more than friends.


I would say some autistic interests, depending on how i feel about them
can get uncomfortable to talk about such as dead, guns, trump, gross things. This is something you may want to be careful about.

You need to input in conversations, in my opinion, else id figure they will think you are not interested enough or not getting them interested in the conversation.

I was never into sports and i cant understand the interest nor am attracted to it, i find those ppl violent and silly/odd as a general, but im sure i shouldnt generalize.

And im pretty sure the interests in the things these men you talk about are into are not even discussed with their girlfriends. Im also pretty confident they are not the traits their girlfriends fell in love with. It generally takes more than his interests for a girl to find a guy attractive. Its the reliability, the fact when shes in a bad place hes there for her and says good things and doesnt upset her. Which i bet it can be hard to do for autists and may require training.

 

[SunnyDay16]

And im pretty sure the interests in the things these men you talk about are into are not even discussed with their girlfriends. Im also pretty confident they are not the traits their girlfriends fell in love with. It generally takes more than his interests for a girl to find a guy attractive. Its the reliability, the fact when shes in a bad place hes there for her and says good things and doesnt upset her. Which i bet it can be hard to do for autists and may require training.

While reliability and saying the right things can help, I think the chemistry has to be there to begin with for anything serious to happen. It's either there or it's not. Sometimes, it's there instantly, other times it builds up from spending time together.

I think the advice that being kind and to say all the right things will get you dates/partners is not only inaccurate, but harmful. It certainly helps, don't get me wrong, but it's not going to guarantee anything.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Get a tinder.

I'm not sure tinder would help at this point. It's known for being pretty awful at finding anything serious, unless you're part of the small minority of people.

 

[All-Rounder]

While reliability and saying the right things can help, I think the chemistry has to be there to begin with for anything serious to happen. It's either there or it's not. Sometimes, it's there instantly, other times it builds up from spending time together.

I think the advice that being kind and to say all the right things will get you dates/partners is not only inaccurate, but harmful. It certainly helps, don't get me wrong, but it's not going to guarantee anything.

You may be right, its more useful for maintaining good relationships with someone. To me its the most important thing that makes me consider dating someone and gives them a benefit over the others if I truly feel close to them and soothed, trust.

On the other hand I don't think I have much experience with falling in love in a healthy way, but the best of partners I had I would say I chose by how safe and different they seemed, and how much we could talk about things, their patience and open mindedness.

What I like in my bf is his humor, strength, patience, confidence, softness and his ability to say no which is very attractive and probably one of the things that got the chemistry going or powered it. Hes popular and good socially, strengths which I so very much lack, so I admire that a lot. He has very few enemies. He is liked and desired by many.

 

[Sab]

Hey!

I'm sorry to read it's been hard for you to socialize and to experience romantic relationships. I think you are really not alone with that struggle. I think that it is really hard to find people you truly connect with and to build relationships, especially when socialness is hard for you.

Dating and meeting people romanticaly or sexually has been really hard for me. I had to build my self-esteem, learn to know myself and what I wanted and felt comfortable with and taught myself to express that to people.

I think there is sooo much social pressure to be in romantic relationships and so much of movies and songs and stuff is about that. It makes us believe that it's the only way we can find joy. But it isn't. Also it pushes a lot of people to stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships, just to not be alone.

My advice is to be gentle with yourself. You're not less lovable because you're not in a relationship. Take your time to figure out what you like, and ways to meet people that feel comfortable to you (it's okay to not feel comfortable going on coffee dates - the only thing I feel comfortable doing when meeting someone for the first time is going for a walk). Did you try meeting people online?

I hope this was a bit helpful. Take care!

 

[All-Rounder]

One thing I keep hearing aspies and specialists say is that for aspies each person is different to learn and they have to learn the social expectations of that person and adapt to them, ask what they've done wrong if they get feedback and try to learn a person's needs and how to become better at not offending the person, weirding them out or pushing them away.

 

[Sid Delicious]

I would add that there is a difference between dating someone and finding a compatible partner that you could happily spend your life with and vice versa. The first is easy to get. There are plenty of women (and men) that will date someone for reasons other than attraction/love. Many of the people you see in couples aren't neccessarily happy or in love or even compatible, but together for alternative reasons (money, kids, security, fear of leaving, loneliness, depression, sex, etc). Don't automatically assume they are in a better position than you simply because they are dating/married. Statistically, a lot of those people are either unhappy or getting 'happiness' outside of the relationship. Trying to force a relationship to work with the wrong person is far more exhausting than remaining single, regardless of how it may look on the surface.

I'd also repeat what others have said about focusing on your own value in relation to the type of women you are interested in. The age difference isn't neccessarily an issue, as there are women who prefer older men. Although perhaps not while they are in their late teens/early 20s. Age difference becomes far less obvious as you both get older, so you may find you have more luck with younger women as you both pass the 30 mark. 18 and 30 feels very different to 30 and 42. I don't know if there is a specific 'type' that goth/nerd girls go for. I was a goth in the 90s and I likely still fall into the nerd category now, and prefer slim/lanky guys with dark hair and similar 'nerdy' tendancies. But I also had friends who loved blonde, macho, rugby player types. So you may be exactly what one of these women is looking for. It's an incredibly overused saying, but just work on being the best version of yourself. Then be willing to take risks and approach the women you like.

 

[Markness]

I completely understand your fear of being alone and your frustration of not being able to find a partner. It seems to me you've been just unlucky in this regard. All you can do is try to put yourself out there, be open and honest about what you want, and work on your own insecurities. I hope that it will happen for you at some point.

You're a late bloomer, and that's okay. I must say I do find kindness and intelligence both attractive qualities so would plenty of other people. Maybe your type just has their own type.

I definitely feel unlucky. I was born into a culture where males are expected to love football, cars, guns, beer, cigarettes, country or rap music depending on the demographic, Walmart, and violent FPS games. Despite living in the Bible Belt, those aforementioned things are more important to these people than church and reading the bible despite how they will swear up and down that they are Christian. The ones who do indeed go to church and read the bible on a regular basis tend to be very scared of the world and think the end times are coming. Neither mindsets are healthy.

Women here don't have it much easier, though. Unless they are from the redneck or hip-hop cultures, they are expected to be 'girly' as in they are only good for shopping for expensive clothes and purses, talking gossip on their cellphones to their 'girlfriends', reading romance novels, and listening to pop music like Kelly Clarkson. They also feel they have to go to church and their boyfriends or husbands have to be Christian, even if they only pay lip service to Christianity.

I will say I did play FPS games and watched cartoons like South Park because they were heavily marketed to young male interests but I never went crazy for cars, football, guns (Except for some brief times but they weren't very serious), beer (I don't like how alcohol tastes), cigarettes (They smell bad to me), and I preferred rock music over anything else. A lot of girls at school hated rock music, even said it was "gay", and told me to stop listening to it. They also weren't impressed with guitar players even though I was told they liked them but having a guitar did not translate to social success. If anything, it lead to social isolation.

I just hope I don't have to become like how my older brother used to be. He behaved like the jerks at school and had the girls all over him. He used to boast to me about it but he no longer does since he has four kids, has had a divorce, and is currently in a turbulent marriage.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

I am a 30 year old Aspie male who wishes he could have a girlfriend but I struggle so much to the point I can't even get a coffee date.

I live in an area where relationships are very common and it makes me depressed that I am lonely while so many others around me have a special partner. It doesn't help that I struggle with socialization in general and most people wherever I go already have company so I can't even make new social connections. I used to have dreams of getting married and maybe having children but romance has passed me by in my life and I've had depression for 12 years now.

I am scared that I will be posting the same topic when I am 40. Is there hope for me or has time run out?

and that is why every aspie like us is romantically & sexually suffering & girls & women don't care.they just don't care. would rather lay with a giant teddy bear,while going out with a female aspie than with girls & women like that while avoiding them like a ninja,as well as the ones in my neighborhood,who may know me by appearance & maybe by name,like i would've done back in high school,now some of those girls or women who may know me from high school might be living in the same neighborhood as me.P.S:the school that i went to is right in my neighborhood.