I screwed up a few friendships, and need to understand better what went wrong? I think my autism caused me to do a few inappropriate things.

[MOPS]

Hey All,
So I am a 23-year-old guy with Asperger's syndrome. This kind of a long story, but I ruined a few very meaningful friendships to me recently, and I want to figure out, what exactly went wrong, and if I might be able to patch this up at a later time.

So last year, I was at a religious conference at a neutral location of around thousands of people. At one of the sessions, I ended up sitting next to two girls. We will call them Lauren (21F) and Tessa (22F). They were best friends. I didn't talk that much with Lauren, but Tessa and I had quite a few side conversations throughout the session and we talked quite a bit. I felt that we vibed extremely well and hit it off; but we didn't talk that much as we were trying to pay attention to the session. Anyways, after the session was over, I asked those two girls if they had any plans for lunch and maybe the three of us could get lunch together. They seemed very touched and thought it was sweet that I asked, but they unfortunately did have lunch plans, but suggested maybe dinner instead. They weren't sure but they asked me for my instagram so we can keep in touch and coordinate that. We did not end up getting dinner that day as we were both preoccupied with conference stuff. However, I sent a DM to a group chat on instagram with the 3 of us, that I really enjoyed getting to know them, and to feel free to keep in touch and text whenever, after the conference was over.

In the meantime, at that conference, I found many opportunities, and decided to pursue seeking involvement in a religious ministry overseas for the future with a huge organization that has a lot of different ministry plans around the country and the world. About a week after the conference, I sent a DM in the group chat to check on Lauren and Tessa to see how they're doing and how life has been since the conference. I didn't get a response for a while, and kind of forgot about them. I started applying for jobs as I just graduated college and was looking for a full-time job. I was starting to get a lot of job offers in another city and state that's like 2200 miles away from me, so I was starting to seriously consider relocating there, but had no connections. Then about a week later, Tessa replied to me and apologized for replying late, and told me that she gets anxious at times and is terrible at keeping in touch with people, but wanted to make sure she got back to me. She asked me questions about how I was doing, etc. Lauren also responded around that time in the group chat. Then I just remembered that those 2 girls live in the same town that I was getting all the job offers at, and I mentioned that I might be relocating to their town. They both said that it would be super exciting to see me in their town, and Lauren specifically told me that I should get connected into their college ministry / community if I end up moving there. That seemed very exciting to me, and I honestly needed new friends since I was coming off a terrible situation of a loss of other friendships. I was also talking with people in the religious ministry that I am seeking in the future and they told me to look into volunteer opportunities with their branch in the town I am moving to (same ministry / community the girls are leaders in), in order to gain experience and preparation for my future career goals in ministry.

So a month later, I take one of the job offers and confirm that I will indeed be relocating to their town about 2300 miles away. I reach back out to the girls to try and get involved in their ministry, and Lauren told me that she'd love to get me connected. She didn't know where they were at with volunteers but gave me contact information of the couple that leads the whole ministry branch in their town. We'll call them Sydney (27F) and Mark (26M). So she gives me Sydney's number, and I text Sydney introducing myself and my goals, and ask about volunteer opportunities. Sydney told me this: "I really love your heart, but if I am being super honest, we are not really looking for anymore volunteers. We are taking on a few intern staff, alumni volunteers, and Mark and I really do not have the time capacity to supervise or take on anymore staff or volunteers for the upcoming school year. However, we would love to hand you off to a local church and other ministries where you could serve and be involved in."

I honestly was very very disappointed to hear this answer from Sydney, as I really was looking forward to this opportunity. That being said, I really did not realize that the organization is not super centralized and every branch while having policies that need to by followed, kind of has a different culture / way of doing things, and there is not much connection between branches of the organization / ministry, other then just people knowing each other as colleagues / friends. However, I asked if I could just attend and be involved in the ministry as an attender rather than a volunteer. Sydney told me that she truly did not think this would be the best choice for me, because I graduated from college and that ministry is focused on college undergrads, but there are many other ministries where I can find community. Again that made me so upset, because Lauren gave me a lot of hope. However, I am not sure if Lauren knew my situation 100% or really thought through what she was saying, now that I look back at the whole thing.

I was really upset for two reasons. First of all, I really liked Lauren and Tessa so much and wanted to be in the same community as them. Second of all, with my future career, I was recommended to go on one of those 6 week missions trips they do to get overseas ministry experience. However, you cannot do that unless you are either a college student, staff member, or registered volunteer. So that basically made me unable to go on one of those missions trips in the future, since I couldn't be part of that ministry / community.

About a week prior to me moving and relocating, I text Sydney for church recommendations, and she recommended a few that I check out.

P.S. Story Continued on Next Post:

 

[MOPS]

So then I make the move across country to the new city/state. The next day, I attend one of the churches that Sydney recommended, and coincidentally that actually happened to be Sydney and Mark's church as well as Lauren and Tessa's. I was a little surprised to see all of them there. I finally met Sydney and Mark in person, and Tessa was super excited to see me. It was a nice surprise for her, because we didn't stay in touch about the exact dates of my move. I also met two other girls there at church also leaders with the same ministry / community that I'll call Madison (21F) and Kate (21F). Madison and Kate were besties and pretty close to Lauren and Tessa as well. Madison and I had a good conversation, and Kate and I had quite an intimate conversation about future dreams, etc. Not to mention, all of those 6 people I mentioned were all at that conference I attended last year, but I only met Lauren and Tessa at the conference. The rest were strangers to me until I moved.

A few days later, Tessa reached out to me on instagram and told me that she was so happy to see me again and was thinking hard about how I wanted to be part of ministry / community here. She told me that her ministry isn't the best fit for me because it's focused on college undergrads, and I graduated and am starting a new career. She was so sweet and told me that the truth is my phase of life doesn't align and it's ok. She also told me that she was asking around to find good communities that were fit for me and also gave me contact information of a good friend of hers (older lady) that we will call Barbara (52F). Barbara was also a registered volunteer with that same ministry / community and was in fact at the conference as well, but again I never met her before. The purpose of this connection was to get me to make friends with more people and get connected in different communities. Barbara is kind of like an adopted mother to all the college students in the ministry. Now, I have to be honest, I was very surprised to receive this message from Tessa, because I only met her twice before then and it seemed kind of intimate, but I was really touched that she cared so much at the same time. That being said, I did not know how to respond. Because, I liked Tessa so much, but I was really set on joining her specific ministry / community and honestly wasn't interested in other communities for reasons I already stated above. However, I decided to be receptive, because I had a lot of respect for Tessa as a person and wanted to be friends. We talked in church the next week, and I told her my story, and she totally seem to understand where I was coming from.

I also told Tessa, that I really liked her, Lauren, Kate, and Madison and felt maybe they could be good friends and community. Tessa told me that she thinks its great that I have connected with them and herself so far, but she wanted to warn me that they are all spread very very thin with their commitments to their ministry and really do not have much time outside of that. She said that she is sure that they'd value seeing me occasionally and catching up at church, but beyond that, it'll likely only be occasional hangouts because all 4 of those people are super busy and don't have much time, and that they can't really be my main primary friends / community that I'd be invested on a regular basis. Tessa said that she is touched that I like them so much, but it's important that I find more friends as well for community / regular investment purposes.

Tessa, and I messaged kind of back and fourth a little bit on instagram over the next few months just to get to know each other better, etc. She would often take sometimes a week to respond, but I knew she was busy and wasn't good at it, and when she did respond, she was very enthusiastic, so I never looked much into it or anything. I also reached out to Barbara who Tessa wanted me to reach out to, and we FaceTimed and then got dinner together a few days later just so Barbara and I can get to know each other. Barbara referred to herself as my honorary mother in my new town.

I must say though that I was still very heartbroken about not being able to join the ministry / community that I wanted to, and was looking for maybe other ways I could find a way to get in, etc. So I asked Barbara if I could attend the last ministry event of the college year, since she was a registered volunteer. Barbara said that I could probably attend. However, I felt really guilty because I knew I was going behind Sydney and Mark's backs kind of after they already told me a soft No. So I texted Mark to ask him because he was in charge. Mark told me he appreciates me asking, but the answer is No, because there would be better communities for me to be invested in with my season of life. A few weeks later, Mark and I did a service project together along with others from our church. It was fun, as he and I really go to know each other, and we bonded pretty well. He even gave me a ride home. Mark was going away for about 2 months to lead a 6 week missions trip overseas, but we talked about potentially meeting up when he got back.

As weeks went by, I'd see Tessa, Lauren, Kate, and Madison at church on a weekly basis, and once asked Tessa if I could sit with her and them in church. She was like "Of course, you are ALWAYS WELCOME." Tessa and I would often talk after church and just have fun getting to know each other better, and we talked about she, me, and Barbara doing something together the three of us just to hangout and have some fun. It was a little difficult due to busy schedules, but we finally found a date where the three of us could hangout and spend time together. The day before the three of us hung out, there was a ministry event going on being lead by Barbara and Tessa for the new college students. I asked if I could come to that, and Tessa said she'll see. Again, I kind of thought maybe I could find a way in because Sydney and Mark were out of town. Barbara got back to me and told me No because it was originally planned for the students, but they'd be happy to hangout with me another time. So the three of us hung out for a few hours over a meal, ice cream, and taking a walk, and we had so much fun. I told Tessa that even though we haven't known each other that long, that she already feels like a best friend, considering the love and care she has had for me and the vulnerable conversations we have shared with each other about our lives.

During that time, I was just talking again about how bummed I was about not being able to join the community, and Barbara jokingly was like "Go to School". I started to think of a really cool idea, of maybe going into the University as a non-degree seeking major to take 1-2 classes for the purpose of me being a college student so I can join the community. I texted this idea to Barbara and she seemed a little ticked off, and was like: "NO Not like that. Only do school if you feel called to. NOT only to get involved in the community." I also was talking about this idea to Kate, and she told me that there are a lot of other great communities that I can join. I think Kate was starting to feel a little uncomfortable with my obsession with the community. A few days later, Tessa and I talked on the phone, and I really needed her to hear me out about my disappointment and hurt about the community. She understood and was very sympathetic, and told me that she thinks I'll find a good community if I am really intentional in looking, etc. I told her that, I wanted the community so bad because I wanted to be close with Tessa, Lauren, Madison, and Kate. I then proposed the idea of taking a college class so I could be a college student to Tessa, and she was like: "OK, I need you to really think and pray about this now, because I am starting to get really concerned with your attachment to the community. I think this is unhealthy, and it's really not what you are expecting it to be." I promised Tessa that I would really think and pray about it. I also told Tessa that I know she's busy, but let's not wait too long to get together again, and she said sure.

A few days later, Barbara and I did a hike together with many other people, and then Barbara and I had a very rough conversation about the community, etc. She was starting to get really frustrated that I was expecting to be able to be involved in the community and was hoping for a change in answer from Sydney and Mark. We had a huge argument and it was ugly. Honestly, I was about to tell her that I will find my own community, but I still wanted to be friends with those people that I liked. She told me that thats great, but if I am expecting to hangout with them regularly on like a weekly basis, I should drop that expectation. We continued this conversation over text, and it seemed that Barbara understood why I wanted it so bad, but it's not a good fit and I needed to look for community elsewhere.

Tessa and I texted a bit more about meeting up, and I wanted to share something else going on with my job, etc. She reminded me that because she is super busy we won't be able to meet up for a while, and I understood and said sure. However, I texted her a bit more about random things. I wonder if she was maybe trying to subtly tell me that I was texting her a little too much? I wasn't blowing up her phone or anything and not double texting, but did text like 1-3 times a week. Is that a lot for new friends?

 

[MOPS]

A week later, Mark comes back from overseas, and I ask him and Sydney to meet up. He told me that they do not have the time these days, and to be 100% honest, that'll never happen. I talked with Mark on the phone for an hour, and he told me that he comes back and hears from 4 people: Barbara, Tessa, Madison, and Kate that I am making them very uncomfortable. I was so shocked as they seemed to all enjoy spending time with me and seeing them at church. I asked him how, and Mark told me that mainly just being overbearing, and wanting too much from them when they're busy, and then trying to get involved in the community, after he already told me multiple times that its not a good fit for me. Mark was really nice, and understanding, but he was frustrated that I didn't seem to want to accept his answer when he told me it wasn't feasible and I kind of went behind is back about wanting to join the community. He also told me that if he was me, he would give it a rest and not pursue friendship with any of those people anymore. I asked him for more details, and he said he really doesn't know and generally they never asked him to say anything to me, but he wanted to step in and let me know because, he saw that there was a problem and likely conflict between me and those 4 friends, and he was worried that it could escalate and get a lot worse if I continued what I was doing. He didn't even know everything going on, but he said mostly just being overbearing from what he heard. He told me that they didn't handle it well if I didn't know and that he would ask all those 4 people to tell me bluntly what they want and set clear boundaries.

All those 4 people basically told me that they were becoming increasingly uncomfortable with my persistence in wanting to join the community and my unhealthy attachment to them. I think they kind of felt that them interacting with me and being friends, was causing an unhealthy attachment on my side, making me want to push to be part of their community, and rely on them as primary friends, rather than finding my own community. Therefore they all said that they'd be happy to say Hello to me at church, but don't want contact from me beyond that or for me to sit with them in church anymore.

Tessa also mentioned that she was uncomfortable with my persistence in joining the community and a deepening friendship with her one on one. I was so shocked because she seemed to really enjoy me, and told me to keep her updated on my life and what I decide. She also told me that I am always safe to be very personal and vulnerable with her prior to that. Did she maybe think I liked her romantically? Or maybe just kept on wanting a deeper friendship than she could give or have the time capacity for?

All of this shocked me. I understand that there were problems that had to be worked out, but I didn't think it would be hard to have a conversation and just reinforce clear boundaries. Not to mention, they only texted me because Mark told them to. Mark told me that he was sorry for all this, and that he doesn't think it was handled well. He also wants me to have relationships with them, but he gets the vibe that I have just made them too uncomfortable, and he is really worried about the situation escalating any further. Therefore, he wanted me to give it space and give it a huge rest. I asked Mark about having a conversation with them, and he said if they offer that, that would be awesome, but he doesn't want me trying to push that on them because he's afraid it would escalate things more, so I promised him not to. I think Mark is trying to be protective of me and the situation, and the girls, and is just worried about me making them more uncomfortable. He also told me before he told them to text me that he is 90% sure they want me to not contact them anymore.

Now Mark and I are still very friendly with each other and have even had great conversations in church since then, but I feel like I've lost a friendship with the other 4 people: Tessa, Kate, Madison, and Barbara.

Any idea what I did wrong exactly? I understand maybe there were concerns, but enough to ruin a whole friendship though? Why not just have a conversation about boundaries? I really need perspectives, because this whole thing shocked me.

Also do you think there's any chance, I could patch this up in a year or so? I plan to move out of town and relocate again soon, but maybe this could be patched up at a later time after a lot of space? If I do try, I'll definitely go through Mark first because of what I promised him.

This is just extremely heartbreaking and I'm trying to figure out what went wrong here.

P.S. On another note, I do think at church, I did kind of latch onto Tessa, Kate, and Madison. I'd always want to have conversations with them, and be in the same group they were every single week at church. I wouldn't slash constantly be talking to them, but be in the same group talking they were in always. Also, I think they might've subtly told me that they want to talk to others now or someone else after that time, and maybe I didn't always pick up on those hints. I will admit, I asked to do a lot with them and would often ask to join in on things they talked about doing / hangouts. Maybe is this a lot for new friends that are just getting to know each other? I also did tell Tessa multiple times about my desire to get close to her and the others, after she warned me about her availability. I was trying to find ways to make things work, but maybe I was trying too hard / over pursuing? Still I am puzzled as to why that would ruin a whole friendship though without trying a conversation about boundaries first.

 

[Hypnalis]

I didn't read all the text, but it's clear you're missing important social signals.
The "disengagement" signals you mention cannot be the first ones from each person/situation. i.e. you missed earlier, more polite signals.

So this is almost certainly an issue of not respecting boundaries. In general there's no way back from that.

I doubt it will ever be possible to identify specific underlying causes. If you're unsure of the cause/effect chains, it's because you didn't understand what happened at some important level. And you can't share what you don't know.

 

[All-Rounder]

"He also told me before he told them to text me that he is 90% sure they want me to not contact them anymore." - Say WHAT?! And you still trust this control freak?

Your friends love you but he is forcing them to renounce you against their better judgement and he's admitted to it. He's also brainwashing them into thinking you're unhealthy and it's for the best.

He is using people's honest faith to separate them from the outside world. And they will never know or accept this.

 

[MOPS]

I didn't read all the text, but it's clear you're missing clear social signals.
The "disengagement" signals you mention cannot be the first ones from each person/situation. i.e. you missed earlier, more polite signals.

So this is almost certainly an issue of not respecting boundaries. In general there's no way back from that.

I doubt it will ever be possible to identify specific underlying causes. If you're unsure of the cause/effect chains, it's because you didn't understand what happened at some important level. And you can't share what you don't know.

Can you please elaborate? I pretty much remember everything that happened. Like where am I missing signals? Which part are you referring to? I might be able to figure it out if you can elaborate more. Be more specific please.

 

[MOPS]

"He also told me before he told them to text me that he is 90% sure they want me to not contact them anymore." - Say WHAT?! And you still trust this control freak?

Your friends love you but he is forcing them to renounce you against their better judgement and he's admitted to it. He's also brainwashing them into thinking you're unhealthy and it's for the best.

He is using people's honest faith to separate them from the outside world. And they will never know or accept this.

OMG, seriously?

 

[All-Rounder]

OMG, seriously?

Well, there is no reason to destroy healthy faith based friendships. You haven't attacked anyone or done anything your friends have disliked. They actually liked you.

But since your friends lied to you, now you are unable to know what comes from them and what comes from Mr Mark. That is betrayal and I feel for your confusion. Your friends shouldn't do that.

 

[All-Rounder]

I don't know what you could possibly do at this point to save this situation and your precious friendships, because they are loyal to the strict rules imposed by Mark against their will and don't seem to be used to question intent and accuracy of situations and seem emotionally engaged to the community and don't want to lose it. Is it worth losing a friend over it? I don't know, sometimes answers are not clear to people.

Also females are more likely to be followers rather than rebel, to avoid conflict. Maybe the more socially awkward one you talked about will, I don't know, hard guess.

 

[Hypnalis]

Can you please elaborate? I pretty much remember everything that happened. Like where am I missing signals? Which part are you referring to? I might be able to figure it out if you can elaborate more. Be more specific please.

You remember what you understood at the time. You can't remember the signals you missed. You can't contextualize the signals you misinterpreted.

BTW - the way I read it, the timeline doesn't support All-Rounder's interpretation.
I haven't deleted my post, but this might be the last one I make in this thread.

I suggest you reconsider your objectives.

This suggests you already had a reasonably accurate overview of what happened:

Any idea what I did wrong exactly? I understand maybe there were concerns, but enough to ruin a whole friendship though? Why not just have a conversation about boundaries? I really need perspectives, because this whole thing shocked me.

But "Why not just have a conversation about boundaries?" suggests you're not on the path to addressing the causes.

If you believe you're inadvertently violating boundaries, the natural path is:
* Learn how to recognize important social signals
* Learn how you manage the nature and level of your engagement with people in response to your understanding of their social signals.

Of course these are linked to some of the main defining symptoms of HFA - it wouldn't be easy to improve in those areas.
But the alternative is a future that looks like the past.

 

[All-Rounder]

I would not want to be part of a controlling community who has no issues ending friendships for no good reason, so now, your priority I think is saving your friendships.

Unless for some reason they actually didn't want to contact you anymore, and he made them come clean about it by making them text that he is sure about it. Very odd man that writes odd messages thru others.

 

[MOPS]

I don't know what you could possibly do at this point to save this situation and your precious friendships, because they are loyal to the strict rules imposed by Mark against their will and don't seem to be used to question intent and accuracy of situations and seem emotionally engaged to the community and don't want to lose it. Is it worth losing a friend over it? I don't know, sometimes answers are not clear to people.

Also females are more likely to be followers rather than rebel, to avoid conflict. Maybe the more socially awkward one you talked about will, I don't know, hard guess.

Well to be honest, if what you are saying is true, I could probably talk to higher authorities in the organization, tell them what happened, and ask them to do an investigation on Mark and the specific branch and interview all those people for their side of the story. If they conclude that what you said is in fact true, this could likely be grounds for termination. I know the organization well, and there are strict policies about integrity and honesty.

However, I’m more likely inclined to believe that Barbara brainwashed a lot of the younger females and told them that I was unhealthy, etc. Barbara and I did have a very rough and uncomfortable conversation at least for me before I spoke with Mark, and I do think that Barbara was at least pretty uncomfortable. That being said, I wonder if Barbara felt that way because of what Mark said earlier, and she was just following through with what she was told.

This is making me really inclined to bring this to the attention of different high up people I know the the broad spectrum of the whole organization! I do have the connections as I’m pursuing things with a different branch. They might at least be able to approach these people and ask for their sides of the story. Maybe they’ll be honest with higher up people in the organization.

 

[MOPS]

Unless for some reason they actually didn't want to contact you anymore, and he made them come clean about it by making them text that he is sure about it. Very odd man that writes odd messages thru others.

Well if this is the truth, then Mark did the right thing by making them come clean about it.

 

[Bolletje]

That was a lot of story with a lot of names, so I hope I understood right.

What I think happened is:
They told you you can’t be part of this specific community, because it’s for students.

You interpreted this as “we would also like you to be part of this community, but there is this one obstacle” and set out to remove that obstacle, find a loophole so to speak.

What they may have meant was “you’re too old for this community, find something age appropriate”.
And what I think they also meant to say was “we can’t be your only friends, you need to find your own people”

Your continued efforts to find a way in there may have felt to them like you were disrespecting boundaries on purpose.

You saw a soft no, they meant a hard no, and they may feel like you’re being too intense and you’re trying to insert yourself into their lives.

What I would do in your case is just let all parties know you never intended to make anyone uncomfortable. Apologize for any misunderstanding and let them know you’d still like to be friends in the future, if they would like that. Let them know the ball is in their court. And then leave them be.

 

[Crossbreed]

@MOPS,
which country are you in?

 

[Tom]

 

[All-Rounder]

Well if this is the truth, then Mark did the right thing by making them come clean about it.

In any case, it's their responsibility to clarify what happened and leave Mark out of it in the future as Mark is not a mailman and he has no business in your relationships except for leading the group. You are supposed to be managing your friendships on your own.

And they should also take responsibility for sending messages from others that are confusing and sending mixed signals.

 

[MNAus]

That was a LOT of text. So first off this seems like a fairly formal community of communities with quite strong ties.

I hope you don't mind me being blunt. It strikes me that you had a goal in mind and basically kept pursuing that even in the face of some fairly polite responses telling you that wasn't something people desired. I understand the appeal of this community, but essentially you went from friendly enthusiasm to suggesting taking an entire college degree to be near "Tessa". That's not really reasonable, and I would imagine they read that as perhaps inappropriate?

I think some of the confusion might have come from them being pleasant and polite whilst telling you that you shouldn't consider them a possibility for future close friendship. I would guess that is part of the culture of your religion, as is the idea of friendship groups being tightly knit into the people you work with. But the messages were actually fairly clear.

Sydney told me this: "I really love your heart, but if I am being super honest, we are not really looking for anymore volunteers. We are taking on a few intern staff, alumni volunteers, and Mark and I really do not have the time capacity to supervise or take on anymore staff or volunteers for the upcoming school year. However, we would love to hand you off to a local church and other ministries where you could serve and be involved in."

Was a very polite but very unambiguous reply. I can understand you might be disappointed, but essentially everything from this point on was an attempt to change that.

She told me that her ministry isn't the best fit for me because it's focused on college undergrads, and I graduated and am starting a new career. She was so sweet and told me that the truth is my phase of life doesn't align and it's ok.

And with this one I think you should have moved on.

I'm absolutely not judging you at all, because I've done similar on many occasions, but I would advise you to take this as a learning experience. You didn't take "no" for an answer and applied the tools you have at hand to change what you got. I did this a few times at work, when politics and social interactions saw me disadvantaged and powerless, and ended up out of a job. I think it's OK to ask "you sure I can't join?" but you should have said "OK, I'm disappointed but I understand; hopefully we'll still bump into each other sometimes" long before it got to the stage it did.

Sorry mate

 

[Rodafina]

Any idea what I did wrong exactly? I understand maybe there were concerns, but enough to ruin a whole friendship though? Why not just have a conversation about boundaries? I really need perspectives, because this whole thing shocked me.

Based on what you described, it sounds like you actually do understand some of the things that went wrong. You said yourself, you latched on too tightly, and too quickly to a group that you were not invited to. Even though they were being nice, it was made clear to you that your situation did not make you an appropriate person to be part of this group. You are not a student, and this was a student community.

Although you wrote quite a lot, we still only have your side of the story here, so it would be very difficult, and even inappropriate to place blame on any of the people in your story. They may have experienced things differently from you and your interpretation of things could be different from theirs.

It sounds like you continue to seek clear communication and that is good. Unfortunately, the boundaries that were finally made clear to you are not to your liking. This makes sense, and I can see how that would be hurtful as you wanted to be part of this community so badly. But, at this point, I think space is a good idea. Sometimes we want to fix things so desperately by getting closer when really, we need to step away.

I don’t see that you’ve done anything egregious in what you’ve described, but at least, at this point, you have been given some clear boundaries, and Mark is still willing to engage and interact with you. He may be a beneficial person to stay in touch with, as it sounds like he may be able to help you make sense of the situation and understand the social dynamics at play here.

If the people you wanted to be friends with were stringing you along and feigning kindness when they were wishing for boundaries, how on earth, could you know that? It sounds like they deferred to kindness instead of honesty, and that would have been very difficult for me. The kindest thing that could have done is to be very clear with you from the start when things started getting uncomfortable. I feel for you that you had to deal with this surprising turn of events. I have felt that too.

 

[Hypnalis]

I don’t see that you’ve done anything egregious in what you’ve described,

I talked with Mark on the phone for an hour, and he told me that he comes back and hears from 4 people: Barbara, Tessa, Madison, and Kate that I am making them very uncomfortable.

They felt they had to wait for a male they could trust to intercede on their behalf.