I Remembered Why I Don’t Tell People I’m Autistic…

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

I'm coming to realize this point. I only found out about being autistic back in May. Always just thought myself a little odd for sure but not autistic. Anyways i have found that when I bring it up a lot of people fall into a mix of 1,2, and 3.

I actually had an interaction with a potential romantic interest last week where everything was going great, until she asked why, in my studying psychology, did I want to focus on autism. Well I told her it was because I recently found out I was autistic myself. Conversation ground to a halt right there and I'm sure if I'd said "because I have an autistic relative" they probably would have thought it sweet.

I've decided that those close to me I'll be open about it. No choice really as they all know now. But strangers from here on out I'm not going to bring it up unless absolutely necessary.

It's tough when it's dealing with something in your head. If you have an injury, or physical disability people get that instantly no questions asked. But mental matters seem to weird Neurotypicals out, especially the ones that have never had any mental health problems themselves. I think a lot of the reaction is they simply don't know what to do. They can help someone with a broken leg by carrying their bags. Or helping a blind person down a flight of stairs. They don't realize that the best thing they could probably do for us, or any ND, is listen to what we have to say, nonjudgmentally.

I think it is actually a good thing that she found out right off because if she dislikes autistic people, how would it have went if the relationship had developed more and then she eventually learned about your diagnosis later. I know the experience was probably painful but I think it would have been more painful if she found out later on and responded the same way.

 

[Misty Avich]

It maybe not much consolation, but I don't blame you for feeling ashamed. It's hard to not feel ashamed of your ASD in a world that scrutinizes it already.

I, and many others, tend to question our own ASD too. If we really have it.

I personally find it difficult too to justify sharing about my odd quarks. I only talk about it with my Uncle, albeit with some hesitation, because I know he is here to help.

I sort of talk about it to my two aunties because they were the first to know about it back when I was first diagnosed, apart from my mum of course but she sadly died from cancer.
My dad has always denied my label and has always loved to just see me as his loving, quirky daughter. I've never blamed him for that.

Otherwise, apart from when I'm on this forum, I just go through life pretending I don't have it, or at least pretending I don't have a diagnosis. I think it's just pride really.

I'm glad to hear that many autistics are happy with their diagnosis or just accept it as who they are and gladly tell people. I would never advise against that at all. Autism isn't for everyone to be embarrassed about. But I just am, probably because of the sort of trauma I had during childhood or maybe the fact that I'm the only one in my family with it and I sometimes get angry about it.

 

[Suzanne]

I never say that anyway, because if I did, the reaction would be disbelief and I am not able to deal with it.

I say: I have Asperger's syndrome or ASD.

 

[Tom]

I treat it as private info. Only have told family and a few trusted friends. I don't like the way people can pigeon hole you. Though I do like pigeons. They seem gentle social creatures. It occurs to me that if I was an alien looking to gather information on humans taking the form of pigeons would be a clever way to do it, and get free birdseed for their troubles.

 

[thejuice]

I sort of talk about it to my two aunties because they were the first to know about it back when I was first diagnosed, apart from my mum of course but she sadly died from cancer.
My dad has always denied my label and has always loved to just see me as his loving, quirky daughter. I've never blamed him for that.

Otherwise, apart from when I'm on this forum, I just go through life pretending I don't have it, or at least pretending I don't have a diagnosis. I think it's just pride really.

I'm glad to hear that many autistics are happy with their diagnosis or just accept it as who they are and gladly tell people. I would never advise against that at all. Autism isn't for everyone to be embarrassed about. But I just am, probably because of the sort of trauma I had during childhood or maybe the fact that I'm the only one in my family with it and I sometimes get angry about it.

Makes sense because calling someone autistic is still used as a common insult.

 

[Misty Avich]

Another reason why I don't like telling people is because the social rules are different when you're an Aspie. It's why I often got the blame at school whenever other girls were mean to me or didn't want to be my friend any more. When I told a teacher (who knew I had AS) they just assumed it was me causing the trouble because I was the one with the social deficit. Or you get an empathy lecture rabbiting on about people's feelings and other crap that you already know about - even though you're trying to survive in a world where you've often had to deal with people not considering your feelings at all and saying or doing stuff to you that you would never dream of treating others like. Some Aspies are bullied by their own family members. And yet somehow it's the Aspie's fault.

I have found that life is SO much better when nobody knows your diagnosis. It's a breath of fresh air really. After years of having the label following me around (school, college, unemployment courses, my previous job) it just feels like I'm finally in control of who knows and who doesn't and it's wonderful. I feel free. I feel like one of the NTs. It's great.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

If I don't tell people they may or may not guess accurately, however I don't think very many mistake me as neurotypical for very long at all.

 

[thejuice]

Another reason why I don't like telling people is because the social rules are different when you're an Aspie. It's why I often got the blame at school whenever other girls were mean to me or didn't want to be my friend any more. When I told a teacher (who knew I had AS) they just assumed it was me causing the trouble because I was the one with the social deficit. Or you get an empathy lecture rabbiting on about people's feelings and other crap that you already know about - even though you're trying to survive in a world where you've often had to deal with people not considering your feelings at all and saying or doing stuff to you that you would never dream of treating others like. Some Aspies are bullied by their own family members. And yet somehow it's the Aspie's fault.

I have found that life is SO much better when nobody knows your diagnosis. It's a breath of fresh air really. After years of having the label following me around (school, college, unemployment courses, my previous job) it just feels like I'm finally in control of who knows and who doesn't and it's wonderful. I feel free. I feel like one of the NTs. It's great.

When I told my family about autism, everything became about the autism, which took a little away from my feeling of individuality. You do feel infantilised sometimes.

 

[Misty Avich]

When I told my family about autism, everything became about the autism, which took a little away from my feeling of individuality. You do feel infantilised sometimes.

That's what happened when I was first diagnosed at 8. It's why I feel so traumatised about it. Sorry if 'traumatised' is not the right word, but it's something like that anyway.

 

[Ghostinthemachine]

I never tell anyone other than my partner amd my daughter (whom is also asd) .the world particularly workplaces can be very unforgiving places and you immediately get pigeonholed with a stereotype so it'd just not worth it.its sad I can't be myself but I've got this far without telling so maybe it's not a bad thing

 

[Misty Avich]

The thing is, not telling people doesn't mean I have to constantly mask. I don't mask all that much. I can be dumb and goofy and it never screams out autism (not saying autism means dumb or goofy but they are quirks of mine as an individual).

 

[thejuice]

The thing is, not telling people doesn't mean I have to constantly mask. I don't mask all that much. I can be dumb and goofy and it never screams out autism (not saying autism means dumb or goofy but they are quirks of mine as an individual).

I think in the UK there is a tradition of eccentricity, so I say go with it!

 

[Misty Avich]

I think in the UK there is a tradition of eccentricity, so I say go with it!

Especially for females, we seem to get away with being shy, timid, goofy, dumb or eccentric. I have all those traits, which I agree is a bit of a mixed bag but that's how I am...introverted yet extroverted.

I think if you show no stereotypical autism behaviours then people won't suspect you're autistic. For example if you don't flap your hands or rock or talk in a monotone voice or lack eye contact or avoid socialising with your co-workers or talk about one subject or know a lot of facts and things, then no matter how socially awkward or eccentric you are people won't suspect autism. They might suspect other things but not autism.

Because, let's face it, rocking and/or hand-flapping does appear to be a common stim in the autism community, not saying every autistic person does it of course but it still is common. I've had meltdowns at work but it's always been due to anxiety and panic that's not sensory-related. And my behaviour during a meltdown isn't typical of autism but more like a nervous type of NT in distress. So I can't really hide my anxiety or ADHD but I can hide the AS without actually trying. My AS is just atypical or complex.

 

[Cutesie]

I had a hard time with having a label when I was a kid.

It's different for each person, but I'm convinced that a label would have been more beneficial than harmful as a kid. Knowing what was wrong with me would have been better than just knowing that I was messed-up. It wasn't just then; I'm still undiagnosed and changing that is a current goal, if only to give some clarity.

 

[thejuice]

Especially for females, we seem to get away with being shy, timid, goofy, dumb or eccentric. I have all those traits, which I agree is a bit of a mixed bag but that's how I am...introverted yet extroverted.

I think if you show no stereotypical autism behaviours then people won't suspect you're autistic. For example if you don't flap your hands or rock or talk in a monotone voice or lack eye contact or avoid socialising with your co-workers or talk about one subject or know a lot of facts and things, then no matter how socially awkward or eccentric you are people won't suspect autism. They might suspect other things but not autism.

Because, let's face it, rocking and/or hand-flapping does appear to be a common stim in the autism community, not saying every autistic person does it of course but it still is common. I've had meltdowns at work but it's always been due to anxiety and panic that's not sensory-related. And my behaviour during a meltdown isn't typical of autism but more like a nervous type of NT in distress. So I can't really hide my anxiety or ADHD but I can hide the AS without actually trying. My AS is just atypical or complex.

I find my anxiety related issues and sensory issues quite seperate. Am i right in understanding you dont have sensory issues? Do you think you could be hyposensitive? Or just normal. Youre emotionally sensitive though arent you.

 

[Cutesie]

This is the same kind of reception people with Cerebral Palsy get, although they are as mentally functional as anyone else.

Reading this, I thought "Cerebral Palsy is associated in my mind with lower intelligence. Am I just uneducated?" Looking it up, I find that 30%-50% of people with CP also have an intellectual disability.

 

[Jonn]

I think if you show no stereotypical autism behaviours then people won't suspect you're autistic.

You are not obviously autistic to me.

 

[Misty Avich]

This is why I believe in having the labels across the spectrum and why they can be helpful. There are some of us with less obvious autism that is not just made less obvious by continuous masking, it's just these people have very mild traits of autism that can suck in some contexts but overall we are able to take part in NT society without much difference. So we're kind of like "half-autistic, half-NT" and we're not always sure where we fit. A bit like teenagers being half adult and half child so they're not always sure which group they belong in.

It's just being scrutinized and diagnosed at 8 makes me feel more autistic than I really am.

 

[FayetheADHDsquirrel]

The psychiatrist had told me that she thought the diagnosis for me would be ADHD with autistic features but when the paperwork came back, it had ADHD and ASD both listed and she said that the ASD was probably level 1 but that she could not tell. I think ongoing emotional trauma makes it hard to tell exactly how autistic I am or not. As for the ADHD, she let me know within a few minutes of meeting me that she thought I might have ADHD. I think basically that I have enough autism that it effects how my ADHD presents. Many ADHD people I know are basically workaholics that shift from task to task. My ADHD mixes with autistic features that make me a bit wacky and extroverted in my presentation to others about my autistic special interests and the autism I think makes my hyperactive ADHD present more like an ADHD child that can not sit still and loves to jump, climb, ect.

 

[Judge]

My personal uptake:

"The numbers". That we amount to such a small segment of society that in most cases NTs won't give the possibility of autism a thought, because they likely don't know squat about it, let alone someone in their social orbit who might be autistic. (With of course the exception of those who are aware of autistic people particularly within their own families.)

We talk about our relatively rare neurological profile all the time here. But for the vast majority of society, it's not even an issue. Unless of course one is prone to some kind of visual "tell", but even then most people probably wouldn't think of autism first.

Before stumbling onto my own autism, it was just a word to me. Not something I gave any thought to, particularly given that at the time I had no knowledge of this condition and thus never considered it relative to anyone around me.

To this day no one has ever mentioned to me personally or anyone else I know that I might be autistic. And like so many others, I have learned to keep it on a "need-to-know" basis only.