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I may never find the one.

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Dillon Campbell, Dec 9, 2018.

  1. Mattymatt

    Mattymatt Imperfectly Perfect

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    So true. If you spend your life looking for perfection, you'll be lonely.
     
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  2. SunnyDay16

    SunnyDay16 Well-Known Member

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    Nothing in life is guaranteed. Even with knowing that, it can be very frustrating and disheartening when you see other people in loving relationships and you can't seem to obtain one.

    If you're not conventionally attractive or have Asperger's, then that makes dating harder. Even if people don't want to admit it, it does make your dating pool smaller.

    I hope that you will eventually find someone. You're still only 22! It's OK to feel lonely and frustrated about it. We're humans and we naturally want to find someone to share our lives with.
     
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  3. Theta.G

    Theta.G Well-Known Member

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    If the grass seems greener on the otherside... it's astro-turf!! (fake) :joycat:
     
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  4. Mattymatt

    Mattymatt Imperfectly Perfect

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    Life does make one guarantee and it is that life will be a struggle. Some times will be easier than others but it will always present challenges.
     
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  5. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Also, don't think there's something wrong with you just because you haven't dated.

    My favorite person--and if you don't know a lot about BPD, that means WAY more than it sounds--is also 22, and he's conventionally attractive, socially competent, adorable, intelligent, incredibly kind, talented, and on and on, and he's never dated!

    I have other friends who are also attractive, kind, and awesome, all about your age, and they've never dated.

    I also have friends who are awkward, not quite as nice, a bit less attractive, one is autistic, but, using apps and websites, dated a lot, usually not great experiences.

    So just the fact of whether or not someone has dated doesn't mean a whole lot.
     
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  6. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Its very common for people on the spectrum to be in the slower relationship lane. To have to wait is realistic, but to think it will never happen likely untrue. Keep working on yourself as a person and making a career.
     
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  7. Mr Allen

    Mr Allen Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    The last time I saw my ex from school, she pretended not to know me :(
     
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  8. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT, INFJ V.I.P Member

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    It is distressing to hear how many of you guys out there feel misused or taken advantage of by women but I can somewhat relate in that I have always tried to be a giving person who pays her own way and have never had much interest from guys so am sort of your female counterpart? Some above said it best: focus on being the guy women would want to be with instead of finding the right one, and also that intimacy involves the willingness to take risks. But you can use some judgment when it comes to when and with whom to take the risks- know the person well first before you allow them to make you vulnerable. If you don't expect perfection right off the bat and are willing to work on the relationship (good communication is most essential), your chances will be reasonable in finding a satisfying relationship. I have always felt forming a solid friendship first is wise also.
     
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  9. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    I couldn't agree more Lucy. The most satisfying romantic relationships in life are those with your best friend :)
     
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  10. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT, INFJ V.I.P Member

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    For sure that's true. Glad you have found yours!!!
     
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  11. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yeah. It all may depend on how one is "looking".

    For me, the social institution of dating was NEVER a viable option. Instead, I made friends. Though never with any promise that a friendship could evolve into something more. Yet in some instances, that's exactly what happened.
     
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  12. Mattymatt

    Mattymatt Imperfectly Perfect

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    @Dillon Campbell This isn't in any way intended to take away from your posting but I thought about the challenges of dating while killing time watching this show on PlutoTV called My Crazy Ex. While watching it, I honestly no longer feel so bad about being single. People can be certifiably crazy! It all harkens back to the grass always looks greener on the other side. Don't feel bad. Your time will come. When I was your age, I felt like I would never have a relationship and I would be doomed to being single. I was also terribly overweight and did not look so good. You've got looks on your side that I never had at 22. Just be patient and trust in yourself.
     
  13. Moomin

    Moomin “My servants never die!”

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    I’m in two minds myself about this particular conundrum. I’m finding myself to be feeling jealous when my sibling goes on dates, and think why not me. I feel this when I see people, attractive and non attractive equally people, who are involved, I’ve got school classmates who are in long term relationships, some are even married with children already and I do feel a struggle with envy. And yet, I’m also quite happy with just being by myself. I’ve only ever had one that I can officially count as a relationship, and that did not go well at all. It ended up being abusive and as much as I pine for a better sense of a “real “ relationship, I also know that I’m not too eager to make an effort. I recently got back into contact with a school friend, and he’s laying down the flirtation pretty heavily, so that even I can’t be oblivious and sure it’s nice but that’s about it. I’m trying to focus and figure out me. I think there’s too much pressure on someone to be in a relationship. You don’t want to rush into one,like I did, just to mimic what everyone else considers the way to go.
     
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  14. Otenba

    Otenba Maverick

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    When you feel like this, it is important to remember that you may be going too fast for them for the stage you are at with them in the developing relationship. Being too enthusiastic can scare people off, even more so if they've got something they're struggling with that you don't know about (and they may not want to worry you with it!). If someone goes quiet on me, I usually assume that something in their life came up and they've been busy - and that's okay. It's not a personal insult. I want to trust them that they'll come see me again when they're ready. I can still message to say hi (since doing so shows that I'm thinking of them), but no point pushing for info on why they're not engaging me because if they already feel bad, forcing them to look at why they've not kept contact can make them feel worse. Remember no one is entitled to your time and you're not entitled to theirs - I guess I see it as a form of gift giving. A partner isn't guaranteed to be long term, so appreciate what opportunities you're presented with, including the ones you set up yourself by telling someone you like them, and things will work out if both parties work together. Relationships are about being vulnerable to each other (and so developing trust) and meeting a compromise so both parties are happy to be together. There are people out there who love people like us, just gotta find them!
     
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  15. HidinginPlainSight

    HidinginPlainSight Well-Known Member

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    Nobody ever finds "the one". Everyone, if being honest, will look back and understand that despite the company they kept they were alone the whole way. Not always lonely, but essentially and finally, alone. This is what makes self respect so important and I can't see how someone can respect themselves when they have to look for their happiness in the hearts and minds of others.
     
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  16. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    I assure you it's more than possible to have self respect and share your life with another. One has to learn to put the needs of one's partner ahead of one's own occasionally, but then they will do the same for you if you have a good relationship. One can be happy in oneself but also enjoy a different and potentially richer and more rewarding happiness with the right person in one's life.
    There is no "The One" out of the millions of possibilities until you meet them, and then only time will tell whether that bond will last through thick & thin.
    "Being honest", for the last 13 years of my own life I have not been by any means alone. Time and again it has been proven to me that my wife is there for me to back me up, to console me and to pick up the slack when I've needed support and I have done the same for her. The challenges we've faced together have been many and varied and we have gained strength and support from each other throughout. I am both myself with my self respect and dignity intact, but I am also part of a gestalt that is far stronger and more joyous than either of us could be on our own.
    Will it last? No-one can say for certain but I have no reason to believe it won't. If it should end I would still consider myself lucky to have shared so much of my life with someone who truly demonstrated their kindness and their love for me.
    It's easy to be cynical and close yourself off under a mask of fortitude and self respect, but it's much harder to trust. When trust becomes implicit and requires no effort or doubt, that is when you have found your "The One".
    If someone is truly happy alone then no-one has the right to criticise, but the right to criticise others for their life choices or desires is equally not granted.
     
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  17. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    The grass looks greener on the other side. These people that are making you feel jealous are not as happy as they appear. You're smart in waiting. While you may be mature enough to handle a relationship, the other person may not be and maturity is definitely a big factor in success. You learn to accept that the other person is not going to be your 'soulmate' and you learn to accept differences in likes, dislikes, wants, needs, thinking, etc. Sometimes it's hard to deal with all these differences, and as an autist, some of these differences can be detrimental - simple things that shouldn't matter - like taste in music. What they like may be torture to you. It takes a lot of hard work to make a relationship and keep it going (especially to keep it going) and both parties have to be on board and THAT is what's hard to find. So, don't be jealous what other people have - I'm certain there are plenty of people out there wishing they could be as content as you seem to be with yourself.
     
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  18. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Don't know who said it - "Find that person who loves you for no reason and shower that person with reason." I like that.
     
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  19. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    “To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness.”

    ― Robert Brault

    Apparently he's an author. Lovely quote :)
     
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  20. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Well-Known Member

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    Fairy tales don't exist... it's why they are fairy tales. Every modern woman is like an overweight Cinderella looking for a handsome prince to pay off her debt, and every modern guy is like an ugly frog that thinks he'll turn into a handsome prince if only some hot princess would kiss him.

    If you are a hot junkie, you can get girls. If you are a rich crusty old dude, you can get girls. But if you are a "Meh" looking guy with a "nice" job, your purpose is to be a sperm donor or perhaps a "Debt Jesus Christ" that can forgive all of her "sins".

    So I suggest you wake up before that happens. You can wallow in pity about the "Chances" you missed in high school... or you can see what you got in return. It isn't the 1900's anymore so marrying your high school sweetheart and "Till death do you part" is off the table, but now we have the internet, cheap international flights and a whole planet to explore. Hey you're 22, maybe Mars is also possible by the time you hit 60. You got 10 years on me... I might be dead by the time the real interesting stuff is possible.

    Girls are icky anyway. Herpes is annoying. Whenever something is annoying I go like "Hey... this is pretty annoying... you know what would make this worse? An itchy crotch".
     
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