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I may never find the one.

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Dillon Campbell, Dec 9, 2018.

  1. Dillon Campbell

    Dillon Campbell Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I’m never one to try to rush things knowing that they just come naturally ata gradual process...actually sometimes I’m impatient so I can’t say I’m perfect on that.
    What I wished what I have at this moment is a relationship since I have never dated nor had a girlfriend and I can never understand why. Yeah I had pretty bad social problems in the past making me not talk to many people which is why I never had a girlfriend but honestly this was back in high school and I didn’t care all that much. Being at almost of my 3rd year of college now and doing my thing such as getting that degree and what not i feel happy with myself but at the same time I’m not. I’ve been getting somewhat jealous lately when I see a guy holding hands with their girl around my college and even have the guy gloat about his girl. i get mentally irritated when I have someone say “ me and my girlfriend are going to the movies” or whatever it is. The thing I hate most is being a third wheel when I’m out with a friend and his girlfreind and they are all making out and stuff which actually happened last month. I never mention a word to anyone about me not having one but I would lie about and say I had a couple before but they were all flakes just to get those people to leave me alone.
    In general though, many girls never really liked me that way nor as a friend even. I would get bullied by some in middle and high school and I know no sound sensitive when I’m talking like that. Back in grade school many never like me for my appearance nor didn’t liked the way I talked. Even today I would be avoided and ignored by a girl not so much as the ridiculing. I do fortunately have some girls who friends of mine but I can tell none of them like me in that other way and haven’t been talking to me much lately even when they walk by like I really did something wrong.
    I feel like I’m doing something wrong sometimes like if I’m being too nice or if it’s the way I act. I want to know the feeling of what a relationship is actually like cause honestly it’s been making me depressed just thinking about it even though the other part of me is happy being single. I’ve been really doubting myself as in I may never get into an established relationship no matter how hard I try at this point and I sound negative but that’s the way I’ve been feeling.
     
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  2. mw2530

    mw2530 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, I feel the same as you. I am almost 31, and I can't say it gets any better. You begin to see friends dating, traveling together, getting engaged, getting married, having children. I could go on and on. I have not dated, never had sex, barely have ever even kissed a girl. It's pretty pathetic and depressing. Yet I have a masters degree and have a pretty well paying job that I'm fairly successful with. Yet I have a huge void that may never be filled. It's so pathetic that I actually get excited from texting a girl, but they usually are a bunch of flakes. I feel like I've already missed out on the best years of my life. Worst thing is that there is basically know one that I can go to and talk about it with. That would actually understand. I'd like to be more positive about it, but I don't know how to be positive when the reality is there is little hope.
     
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  3. Dillon Campbell

    Dillon Campbell Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I can’t seem to bother to text a girl since some that I know will take 6 hours to a whole next day to respond and their response to me is that they were busy when they wanted to intentionally ignore me. I feel like I am such a bother when I just want to talk and get to know someone especial a girl.
     
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  4. Graphin

    Graphin Flying mushroom V.I.P Member

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    Question is, do you actually want to hang out with people who do things like that?
     
  5. Dillon Campbell

    Dillon Campbell Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Well no and I normally don’t. I don’t want to put up with all the drama but at the same time I felt like I missed out in several opportunities in hghschool to the point I just don’t care anymore that I feel like I am not worth it.
     
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  6. George Newman

    George Newman Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi there, Dillon. I understand your frustration. I remember many years ago my dad shared with me some some advise that I have found to be very helpful to me as I navigated relationships thru the years. He told me to work harder at being the right person for someone to like than looking for the right person to like. That special person will come along. You certainly don’t want to force something. It’s a tough one the whole relationship part. Keep working on you and be on the lookout. Try hard to not be too mindful of what others seem to have or are doing. I appreciate you posting this on the forum. It’s a good post. Hang in there. I hope these words are helpful. Cheers!
     
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  7. Mycroft.Holmes

    Mycroft.Holmes Active Member

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    Hi dillon,

    personally, I dont really care about dating or relationships. I am asexual. But my brother is having the same issues as you have. He went way to far into the direction of self help wich I dont recommend. seeing as you have social issues I would try online dating. it takes away some stress. if you then deside to meet up, you can chose a place your are comfortable.

    Further than that, just try and dont focus to much on it. and keep your eyes open if you see someone you find attractive. I dont recommend trying to act like the stereotypical ''bad boy'' or act completely different than you are. It will look fake and you cant keep that kind of act up for a long time in a relationship.

    Anyway, hope this or other tips will work for you!
     
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  8. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    I never cared about dating relationships either so I never even made it to first base as far as
    feeling I was missing out or there was a void.
    Even though I am asexual also, I did have a few boyfriends through life.
    It isn't what most think it is cracked up to be IMO. Disagreements, lies, breakups, heartaches.
    Like losing a good friend for me. In fact they were just that, good friends with a bit of a romantic twist.
     
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  9. Graphin

    Graphin Flying mushroom V.I.P Member

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    I'm not sure if I want a relationship of that kind, but I'm seeking for friends for sure.
     
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  10. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Have you asked many girls out?

    I dated for six years without pause, and now I've stopped for four years. Coincidentally, those four years were awesome and the six were not.
     
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  11. Mr Allen

    Mr Allen Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Me too, although to be honest, taking women out on dates can get expensive! I'm on benefits (don't start).
     
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  12. sidd851

    sidd851 If I'm not late, I'm not needed. V.I.P Member

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    I could write reams on this subject.
    Instead, I'll stick to the one, most prominent feature of my "romantic" life.

    I have felt this crushing loneliness, for most of my life. It was always apparent, that finding "my love" was a very high priority, to me.
    Confounding this problem, was that I have a very high sex drive.
    Now, if you consider it this way, I have been fortunate to have a very active sex life.
    If you consider it that way, I've been very unfortunate.

    I'm no playboy, and of only average looks, though I am muscular.
    It seems, though, that I must have some charm, or something.
    I also have to say, here, that I'm also kind of timid.
    But in social situations, there has never been a shortage of those that... desire(d) my attention.

    This, combined with the loneliness, has made me vulnerable to any female that apparently wanted my continued affections.

    As a result, what I thought was the "right" thing to do was to allow a relationship to develop, and not rebuke the desires of another who thought that I might be "the one". Unless some red flag was waving madly, who was I to dash the hopes of some other lonely person seeking love?
    If indeed, I was "the one" for her, wouldn't it also be a good relationship for me?

    I seem to have been overly optimistic in that belief. Probably a little too tolerant, or accepting, as well.

    As a result, I have ended up in relationships where eventually, I had to break it off--- it was apparent that we weren't compatible.

    In still others, the attraction waned, and we simply parted ways.

    And in a couple, the relationships that progressed farther, well, those were the ones that deceived me to achieve some end other than being my partner.
    I was naive. Oh Boy, was I naive.
    In more ways than one.

    After we were together past the point of no return(which happened rather quickly), I found that they were not who they said they were. That I had been deceived.

    In my two long term relationships, both admitted to stopping birth control, and deliberately getting pregnant. Both admitted to wanting "smart little babies, a loving father for them, and someone that made lots of money". A husband was the inconsequential part.
    No matter. It was too late.

    I don't regret either of my children.
    I do regret that the baser motives of their mothers' deprived them of a loving home, with two loving parents.

    I bear some fault in this, not because I didn't work as hard and as self-sacrificingly as possible to give them that home, after the fact, but that I didn't take the time to let time expose these women as the opportunistic, insensitive and unconcerned, what,
    gold-diggers that they were.

    Without loving me, they could bring a child into the world so that they could get.
    Get money, status, freedom, future forgiveness.

    They guaged me, correctly, and used me, and used our children.

    Let this serve as a lesson, and a warning.
    You will find that someone.
    Don't be so hasty to make it happen.

    sidd
     
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  13. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    First off, you're only 22, calm down. It is waaaaay too early to start talking about 'never'. That sort of thinking will make you come across as desperate which is very unattractive. You may well benefit from actually making a decision to not date for a while, until you learn to be happy and live a fulfilling life as a single man, before then trying the dating game again as a more secure and content person.

    How much effort have you actually been putting into dating? Are you on internet dating sites? How many women have you asked out?

    Stop that "am I being too nice" thinking right now. You cannot "be too nice" to find a date. "Nice guys finish last" is a BS idea perpetuated by entitled idiots who think that "being nice" entitles them to women's attention. Let's make this clear, "being nice" is the baseline requirement for being a decent human being. Being polite, respectful, honest, having integrity, these are all baseline requirements. If women dated every man who meets these requirements they would have their diary filled from dawn to dusk. You do need to be nice to find a relationship, the nicer the better, but you also need to be interesting, funny, intelligent, something extra in order to be an attractive prospect.

    Sorry for the mini-rant, I'm on another forum which frequently has Nice Guys whinging about why women won't date them when they're so nice and respectful and instead choose to date people who actually offer more than just being baseline decent human being. It's become a pet peeve. To be clear OP I'm not saying I think you are one of these entitled idiots, I just wanted to thoroughly stamp out that myth before it took hold.
     
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  14. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    George made a good point above that to attract a mate you have to work at being attractive yourself, but not in the way people usually seem to think. Superficial things such as being handsome/pretty, slim/buff or having money & possessions may get you over some of the initial hurdles but they don't often lead to the most solid of relationships. You only have to look at the chequered love lives of famous actors, musicians and models to see that looks and wealth only get you so far. There are some that find love but there are far more keeping the tabloids in stories.

    I'm just an average looking guy as many people here know, but I've rarely been single. I did go for a couple of years in between partners in my twenties after a particularly traumatic relationship ended and again for a year or two in my thirties, but on the whole it's not been too hard to hook up. I'm glad I did because I learned from my many mistakes and now can truly appreciate what a catch I have in my wife.

    If there's anything I can offer in the way of observations from my past - it's that you don't get anywhere without risk. You have to put yourself out there and be prepared to make mistakes, get hurt and occasionally look like an idiot - even to yourself. There is no magic bullet that finds a stable partner. It's like the old adage about wealth; "You have to speculate to accumulate"
    The most fruitful relationships in my own life have been with women who share similar interests and sense of humour. There's nothing like the rush of oxytocin from laughing together :) I also learned early on that being a listener and demonstrating how caring you are (which you certainly seem to be Dillon) will take you a long way. Nobody likes someone who goes on about themselves and their own interests without listening, which is unfortunate for Aspies because we are prone to do that a lot! Finding someone with similar or complimentary interests makes it easier because they will not be bored by you going on about what stimulates you.

    You still have to make an effort to be likeable though. Sometimes we have to mask our Aspie traits a little at first, even if we are dating someone else on the spectrum. Only two women in my life have ever known about my AS and my wife is the only one who knew from the start. I never even told my first wife. As far as my exes were concerned I just had a distinctive personality but it wasn't necessary to give it a name.

    My wife isn't as keen on Sci-Fi or technology as I am, but we share the same political views, religious views, interest in social history, tastes in food and as I said earlier, sense of humour. I wouldn't have found her (in my mid 30s) if I hadn't learned from all the false steps I took in the past or not been prepared to risk rejection and ridicule. When I met her I made a point of finding out what she liked in subtle ways, so when I took her for a meal I knew Mexican would go down well, and that she'd like a cider when we went to the pub. Little shows of attentiveness went a long way to warming her to me.

    You seem like such a lovely guy Dillon and I hope you know how much respect I and many others have for you. You deserve to find a woman who will appreciate you and I want you to have that in your life. The only way to find her though is keep taking those risks and learning from the mistakes that will result. One day you will meet someone, either by intention or mistake, who will click, and you won't know it until you feel the need to say those three, legendary little words ;)
     
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  15. TheFreeCat

    TheFreeCat Active Member

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    Most relationships end. Or at least half. And those may be second relationships. Who do you know that found The One and never wavered? There may be a few.

    Half of marriages end in divorces. But that does not even mention how many of the half that stay together are not happy, are doing it for the kids, the health insurance, the house, etc?

    Sure, you will FInd The One. Then you'll lost The One. Then you'll find Another One. Then lose that one. And maybe in a few years, you may find A One that you can live with and love and it MIGHT work out. And then one of you will get sick and watch the other die.

    Life is a hard row not matter how you start to dig it. In the end, you are the one planted in that row.
     
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  16. Mary Terry

    Mary Terry Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Dillon, you said you have some girls who are friends of yours but do not appear to be sexually attracted to you. Can you talk to one of them about your not having met anyone yet who might like to go on some dates? Just tell them that you've been so busy with school that you haven't had time to meet many girls and ask if they know someone who might like to go out with you for a movie, lunch or dinner, or just a cup of coffee or a beer somewhere, just for companionship with no strings attached. One of your female friends might even surprise you by saying they would like to go out with you on a friendship basis. Romance needs to start with friendship.

    You definitely are not "too nice" to attract a decent girl. There's no such thing as "too nice" when it comes to romantic relationships. Someone will like you because you ARE nice, smart, ambitious, and sensitive to other's needs.

    I've never used a dating website but know you should beware of the kind of women you might encounter on those sites. There are predatory - and crazy - men and women on dating sites so please be careful if you go that route. After my brother died, his wife, who is HFA, joined some dating websites, went on dates with internet strangers, and eventually had to change her phone number, email address, cancel her dating website memberships and invest in burglar bars and a home security system due to trolls, creeps, sexual perverts and men who just wanted her money to live off her whom she met on the internet.

    From your photo and the things you post here, I can tell that you're a handsome, smart young man, and I promise you that there is a woman out there who will love you. Be patient and selective about who you approach and you will find someone who is right for you. It may not be tomorrow or even next year, but it will happen for you in due course.
     
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  17. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    All relationships end in one way or another, but they can also bring great joy in between. From my own tale told above, I've obviously had my own fair share of failures, but that's the point.
    The old "high-school sweethearts" that live happily ever after thing is remarkably rare which is likely why it's the stuff of movies.

    Apart from girlfriends who lasted weeks or months, the one night stands and girls I saw for a couple of dates that went no further, I had several long term relationships of a couple of years or more and a divorce before I'd learned enough to deserve my wife. One way or another, all those past failures were part of the journey to who I am now, and I've been happy with the right woman for 13 years now.

    Now this next bit may sound weird coming from a guy who is never backward in coming forward about how lucky he feels to have found the woman he loves, or how happy he is to have found her.
    There are millions of women in the world I could have been just as happy with. There - I've said it! Statistically it has to be true. No matter how much we love each other, or how protective we are over what we have, the chances of us having met the only person we could be this happy with out of 7 Billion possibilities alive on the planet today are.... about one in 3.5 Billion I guess. Those are loooooong odds! Even when you factor in how many gay people , asexual people and people with mixed gender identity are out there - You're still talking billions to one. The chances of that one person living within reasonable distance of me and being single at the same time are so low, I have to acknowledge that there are millions of others I could have found happiness with. That's not to say my wife is any less special to me, it's just simple, statistical fact.

    Okay so it took me twenty years of dating & relationships to find her (on a dating site actually - but that's another story) but I know that should I lose her, if I wanted to the odds are in my favour that I could find another partner I could be happy with. Why? Because I'm not the naive sixteen year old, or twenty year old or thirty year old that I once was. All those mistakes that I learned from over the years mean I would find it easier to meet someone than before, I would know sooner whether we had what it takes as a couple, I know better how to hit it off with a woman than I did before. The path is smoother now than it was when I was younger. If, God forbid, I messed this one up I would learn from that too.

    Nobody could have ever taught me what that 20 years instilled into me. Only living through it all brought me to where I am now. Take the risks, absorb the knocks, learn from the mistakes and live your life to the full :)
     
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  18. Dillon Campbell

    Dillon Campbell Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I’m referring to everyone here but I actually need to apologize just for over reacting and being so hard on myself. I usually do not care whether I’m in a relationship or not in fact I happy with the way I am, but I’ve just been developing this jealous streak since I’m seeing people get together so frequently around my college campus. Yes I do have female friends but I wouldn’t literally ask them out cause you don’t know what’s going on in their life. I have tried to ask girls out but most of the time I get rejected so I haven’t bothered with it after my senior year of high school. I just have little hint of me that’s gets all frustrated as to why I wasted some of my life not putting myself out there. Like someone said I’m still young and 22 so there is plenty of time for something like this to happen all it takes it patience and the right moment.
     
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  19. Theta.G

    Theta.G Well-Known Member

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    Well... The world is filled with rotten women.However!
    By joining a christian group and making connections you already increased your chances of meeting a decent one by a lot.
    "The one" is a fairy tale. Doesn't exist. Good enough is real.
    You can take good enough and grow together to become the ones. Helping each other grow through the relationship.
     
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  20. Mattymatt

    Mattymatt Imperfectly Perfect

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    Dating is difficult for people that are not on the spectrum, so it is appreciably even more difficult for us. I am 41 and only really had 2 relationships that could count. Each time I find myself bemoaning the fact that I am single, I hear about the people that are in relationships that are perfectly miserable. There is a good saying: "If the grass is looking greener on the other side it is because it needs and requires more maintenance."
     
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