I feel like I lost my bearings

[garnetflower13]

Recently, I caught my husband in a lie. The thing that was lied about seems small, yet it has caused me to feel that all the rules have changed, and I am having to re assess our relationship. When I demanded to know why he'd lied to me, he said that he had feared my judgement. I also felt hurt, shut out and deemed not good enough to be confided in.

Maybe it would help to say what the lie was about. About a year ago, his doctor put him on an ADD medication. He quit taking it (don't remember why) and as far as I knew, he hadn't been taking any lately. I was getting laundry ready to wash and went through his pockets and found pills. Earlier we had been discussing that very medication because of something I had read on line. So after finding the pills, I asked him if by any chance he was still taking this medication. He looked me right in the eye and said No. Now confused, I asked what the pills were that I had found in his pocket? He looked uncomfortable and had to admit that he had lied to me. He said the reason he had kept it from me was because he had found the pills (somebody had dropped them) and decided to start taking them, and he thought I would think less of him. This made no sense to me. He was telling me the truth about finding them, but I still didn't understand why he had felt the need to hide anything from me. I feel that I will always wonder if he is telling me the truth now!

 

[Cali Cat]

Maybe he just wanted to keep it to himself until he came to terms with it himself. I do that ... a lot. I just don't want to let anyone know what's going on with me until I've wrapped my own mind around it. You say he found the pills somewhere, so he probably hasn't been taking them that long. It's perfectly reasonable to assume he feels like less of a person for taking them, perhaps even ashamed, and imagines you and others would think less of him too. Maybe he just wanted to try them out again. Maybe he noticed a difference and realized he needed them. Maybe that didn't set too well with him. There's a lot of reasons that could spark what could be seen as a "little white lie" to buy him some time to process the situation.

I'd suggest sitting down and talking with him about it. Tell him how it makes you feel and the damage done to your level of trust when he lies about minor things.

 

[garnetflower13]

We did actually sit down and talk about it. I don't know how much good it did, though...He tends to keep things to himself, and I feel shut out. Not sure how this will end up.

 

[Cali Cat]

He tends to keep things to himself, and I feel shut out.

If that is just how he is, you may have to adjust your reaction to his behavior. You have no control over his behavior, but you do have control over your reaction to it. You're feeling hurt right now, but give it some time to consider the good points in the relationship and see how you feel a bit later.

 

[Ylva]

He's still lying. No one would just take pills they found lying about.

 

[Moomingirl]

Some people do feel that if they need to take medication, there is 'something wrong with them'. I can see why your husband would not want to admit he is taking pills again, if it makes him feel like he needs medical help. Some guys really don't like to admit that they are not 'perfect'.

Also, can I ask how you would normally react to him if he does something you are unhappy about? I know that sometimes my husband is hesitant to tell me things he thinks I won't like. He once described it as me 'going nuclear on him'. It's when my reaction sometimes kicks in before my brain does. Now he makes sure I am not hungry, I'm relaxed, and maybe have a glass of wine before he tells me bad news.

If you react like that with your husband when you are upset, then his instinct might be to tell a lie to avoid you having a meltdown. I think you need to talk to him about how much it upsets you when he lied to you, and how it affects your feeling of trust in him. If he doesn't like talking about it, would it work better if you wrote it down, and he wrote his response back to you?

 

[Kari Suttle]

There's a huge stigma around taking medication, even moreso for guys i would imagine. Society in general expects adults to have it all together, and again moreso for men. It makes no sense to me but that's just how it is. Knowing this its hard to confess something that will make people think less of you even if they're close. My bestie was ashamed that she has to take meds even though we (at that point) were very close and shared everything with each other. Despite all that, she tried to hide it the first time she had to take them in front of me. Everyone else judged her for it so she was automatically afraid that i would think less of her too even though i would never do that. I would imagine that for an aspie, who as an aspie gets judged a lot all the time all their life just by being an aspie...admitting something like taking meds is hard.

 

[garnetflower13]

He's still lying. No one would just take pills they found lying about.

I need to clarify that he knew what the pills were because they have a distinctive color and shape. He even looked them up to make sure before he took them.

Some people do feel that if they need to take medication, there is 'something wrong with them'. I can see why your husband would not want to admit he is taking pills again, if it makes him feel like he needs medical help. Some guys really don't like to admit that they are not 'perfect'.

This is true. We had a similar discussion about another prescription that he was concealing from me; again, I knew that he had to take it sometimes, but I couldn't understand why he felt that he had to hide it from me. We are supposed to be friends as well as man and wife!

Also, can I ask how you would normally react to him if he does something you are unhappy about? I know that sometimes my husband is hesitant to tell me things he thinks I won't like. He once described it as me 'going nuclear on him'. It's when my reaction sometimes kicks in before my brain does. Now he makes sure I am not hungry, I'm relaxed, and maybe have a glass of wine before he tells me bad news.

You have a point. I cried for an hour. I guess being an Aspie means that all the rules got changed around and I felt lost because now I will always question what he tells me. I just cannot tell when people are lying to me and it is a real handicap.

If you react like that with your husband when you are upset, then his instinct might be to tell a lie to avoid you having a meltdown. I think you need to talk to him about how much it upsets you when he lied to you, and how it affects your feeling of trust in him. If he doesn't like talking about it, would it work better if you wrote it down, and he wrote his response back to you?

We did talk, and I simply explained that I wouldn't judge him and that if he had an adverse effect to the medication how would I know what was going on? Also I explained how being lied to made me feel. That it wasn't what he'd lied about but the fact that he did it so easily.

 

[Randomperson]

Seems like a stupid thing to lie about, but then I never understood why people want to lie all the time to begin with, I find it far easier to just not lie in the first place. No remembering the lies, no compounding of lies, no getting caught in a lie, life is so much simpler lived honestly.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I think he's just a very private person, and as said, medication does come with an unwanted stigma. Perhaps you two could compromise? He can say that a subject is something he does not wish to discuss yet has under control and you could let it be? Works for me right now anyway, I've come to accept there are some things my husband is uncomfortable discussing and I don't press it. So long as it's nothing major like meth or gambling (not that he has the slightest inclination for either) than it doesn't warrant my knowing, however much it irritates me when it's something upsetting him but he clams up. Besides, there are a lot of secret places in myself I keep from him too, so it evens out.

 

[garnetflower13]

Seems like a stupid thing to lie about, but then I never understood why people want to lie all the time to begin with, I find it far easier to just not lie in the first place. No remembering the lies, no compounding of lies, no getting caught in a lie, life is so much simpler lived honestly.

I agree with this. I have never felt comfortable lying about things because then I will have to remember what I lied about, and I rarely can.

 

[garnetflower13]

I think he's just a very private person, and as said, medication does come with an unwanted stigma.

But here's the thing that puzzles me. I was with my husband when the doctor prescribed this medication and he didn't seem embarrassed or uncomfortable with me knowing about it. Yet he finds some of the same medication that someone lost, and suddenly he has to hide that he is taking it? That is what has me confused. And that he thought I would judge him is even more ridiculous. If he had found some pot and was smoking it, I would have been surprised and maybe judgmental because I know pot disagrees with him.

Perhaps you two could compromise? He can say that a subject is something he does not wish to discuss yet has under control and you could let it be?Works for me right now anyway, I've come to accept there are some things my husband is uncomfortable discussing and I don't press it.

That sounds reasonable, and I am glad that it works for you. I might suggest this to him.

So long as it's nothing major like meth or gambling (not that he has the slightest inclination for either) than it doesn't warrant my knowing, however much it irritates me when it's something upsetting him but he clams up. Besides, there are a lot of secret places in myself I keep from him too, so it evens out.

I think it is the clamming up that gets to me. I told him that I hate being shut out as if I weren't worthy of being confided in. In the five years we have been together, I have had to tell him things that I felt very embarrassed about, but if I had not, it would have had negative consequences in our relationship. So we are both very private people and I just don't like to feel this uneven exchange of confidences between us.

 

[AsheSkyler]

But here's the thing that puzzles me. I was with my husband when the doctor prescribed this medication and he didn't seem embarrassed or uncomfortable with me knowing about it. Yet he finds some of the same medication that someone lost, and suddenly he has to hide that he is taking it? That is what has me confused. And that he thought I would judge him is even more ridiculous. If he had found some pot and was smoking it, I would have been surprised and maybe judgmental because I know pot disagrees with him.

That is confusing... If it is simply needed medication and not some kind of addiction or other nefarious thing, could he quite possibly be projecting? Like, he's starting to feel bad for needing it by knows he does, so his way of making himself feel better is by thinking you don't like it? I dunno, I'm confused now too.

I think it is the clamming up that gets to me. I told him that I hate being shut out as if I weren't worthy of being confided in. In the five years we have been together, I have had to tell him things that I felt very embarrassed about, but if I had not, it would have had negative consequences in our relationship. So we are both very private people and I just don't like to feel this uneven exchange of confidences between us.

I know exactly what you mean. Some days I feel like I'm the one doing all the exposing and he's hiding deeper in his shell. Lately I've tried bribery/blackmail. "If you tell me what I want to know then I will tell you what you want to know. Else, outta my kitchen!" Granted we're usually in the living room. But still. Outta my kitchen. Hasn't really worked yet, but at least it spells it out in a way he understands and stops bugging me for info on something I don't want to talk about.

 

[garnetflower13]

Well, we had a long talk. And I basically said that one of the reasons this bothered me so much, was that I felt excluded and not good enough to share things with. And I pointed out that it made me feel lonelier than when I had actually been single! A lot was said, but I think I got through.