"I could tell that you have Asperger's."

[4gottenLoreKali]

I cherish each and every one of my friends, and am thankful that I am able to interact with them productively. On two separate occasions, talking with two different friends (both of whom, as far as I can tell are neurotypicals) we were discussing something serious (my social awkwardness in particular, and how to get by in social situations) I casually admitted that I have Asperger's syndrome,and prefaced it with the disclaimer that "I hope you don't judge me for this, but..."

With both of them, I got the same response, which was something to the effect of "I could tell", or "I gathered that by now". (Don't worry, I still talk to these friends on a regular basis and my relationships with them haven't been damaged in the slightest by this little 'revelation', as far as I can tell.)

Looking back, I'm not exactly sure what to make of this. It is a classic aspie characteristic that the meanings of words fly over our heads sometimes, and I know I that I take it a step further and have a tendency to 'read between the lines' and agonize over what was implied.

My first thought that popped up in my head was that I was surprised they know what AS is, but then again I feel that psychological conditions are gaining more mainstream awareness - for better or for worse. I have a couple of possible interpretations of this response:

First of all, am I really that much of a social gadfly that my behaviors and speech would suggest that I have Asperger's? Is it really that obvious? I mean, I'll admit that one of my pitfalls is that I'm a little myopic; I can't always see outside myself. I have to sometimes keep myself in check to ensure that I can at least barely blend in with the crowd, for example, checking how I walk, that I'm not moving around too much in place, that I'm not making weird vocalizations. This thought process had me feeling a little self-conscious and embarrassed.

Another is that they realize that I'm not consistent with the norm, and maybe they think that's fine. Maybe they have at least a somewhat educated view on Asperger's and are aware, and know the signs of an aspie when they see one. Either way, I value that they didn't abandon me outright. Everything's good between them and myself; they're amazing friends and we see eye-to-eye on so much. I just could value some input on the matter. Maybe a neurotypical voice could contribute his or her piece on the matter.

Thanks!

 

[Suzanne]

Even though I am rather a lot older than you, I could be reading about me! You have managed to put into words, how I have felt all my life ie about checking myself when out in the public eye! It even goes as far as making sure I don't shout or that I am careful to not be rude in other ways; every thing has to be deliberate with me. The times I have forgotten, I get: shhh and you are too loud etc etc which I really cannot deal with.

YES, that happens to me too; it is sometime AFTER that what people say come to my mind and I do a heck of a lot of deep thinking and it drives me crazy.

Isn't it just so frustrating that in one hand, we want to be accepted and not struggle with trying to fit in and when we are, we think: am I that bad that it is noticeable? For me, however, not so bad in this area as I know I am different to others, so it does come to no surprise if someone was to say they know I have aspergers.

What you have to think though, is that you are terribly blessed to have not one friend, but TWO and neurotypicals at that. They obviously like you for YOU and you should embrace that!

Oh and although I am tons better now; I hated it when someone would just come out of the blue and ask me a question! I felt so out of control that I would fluster madly!

Wow the joys of being different eh?

 

[JuniperBug]

Wow, I got responses like "I can't tell" "It's not obvious" and "Are you sure? You don't seem autistic" which have their own set of negative connotations.

But you've really opened my eyes to the other side and what it might feel like to be told "Oh, yes, I could tell". I can see how that would be very confusing and upsetting for you. If it were me I'd want to know "How? When? What specific incidents gave me away and how should I have done them?"

I think that your NT friends were just trying to be supportive. Maybe they meant "I've already accepted your quirkiness and I still like you. Therefore, your diagnosis does not change how I feel about you."

 

[garnetflower13]

I can't help but feel envious that your neurotypical friends accepted you just like that. I have lost friends who kept insisting that I must be mistaken, or just kept doubting me. It can be viewed as awesomely validating to have that acceptance from them. But I am the same as what you have described about endlessly analyzing the whole conversation and worrying about it. I think the fact that you have the acceptance is the great thing.

 

[HappyHermit]

I cherish each and every one of my friends, and am thankful that I am able to interact with them productively. ... I casually admitted that I have Asperger's syndrome,and prefaced it with the disclaimer that "I hope you don't judge me for this, but..."

With both of them, I got the same response, which was something to the effect of "I could tell", or "I gathered that by now".
...

First of all, am I really that much of a social gadfly that my behaviors and speech would suggest that I have Asperger's? Is it really that obvious?.
...

I'm afraid I'm a non-neurotypical voice, but it stands out to me that these are your friends. They're likely to know you better, be it from more frequent or more authentic personal interaction, than a coworker or acquaintance. If you're more yourself with them than with others, your 'Aspieness' may simply be more apparent to them as a result.

My SO wasn't the least bit surprised by the time I told them. They already knew I was different - as it turns out for a good bit of time before I mentioned the diagnosis. No surprise at all, even though they weren't nominally familiar with HFA before then.

The one coworker I told (with good results, but only after a long, long time of knowing them semi-privately) also told me they couldn't tell. Because I'm a lot more guarded at work and work-related functions and pretend a lot (a necessary evil, up to a point).

I'm not NT at work - I am the same person I am at home, but with my guard up.

How obvious it is will likely depend on how close you are with someone, how much time you spend with them and in what type of context and how guarded you are / how hard you pretend. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion at all that you are a 'social gadfly' because your friends can tell you're an Aspie. They have to know you pretty well to be your friends in the first place! And evidently, they're still there, so how much of a social gadfly could you possibly be?

 

[AsheSkyler]

Well, better that they guess you're on the spectrum than some of the alternatives. I'm often asked if I'm on crack and my nickname is usually "Psycho".

My experience with "I can tell" and similar phrases are usually positive, because they didn't mind your oddities before you came out, so they're not gonna mind your oddities after you come out.

 

[watersprite]

NotImportant that's a rather enviable situation, I mean in a good way. I'm glad you posted this. I don't have friends, but does suddenly make me wonder what people who know me, (acquaintances) think of me.

 

[Joel I]

That sounds so much like a number of my friends when I was diagnosed. However quite a lot of people knew nothing about it and even a few saying that can't be right I'm too normal. My mother was the hardest to convince and she and the rest of my family think Aspergers is just an excuse for not fitting in.