I Am Not Understood...

[Mis-fit]

I am not understood now, and have NEVER been understood by anyone other than me on the deepest level.

I am just wondering how many people with Autism/Asperger's have the same problem...

I finally came to a solution, which I will share later, but I want to know how many of you know you are not understood by anyone else on the deepest level...

 

[Richelle-H]

Perception of self is a funny thing. I answered "Not Really" because I have never let anyone know me on any level other than superficial. I perceive what goes on in my head as unsuitable for everyone (some of it I avoid myself). It is all part of keeping myself safe from unwanted intrusions and the disapproving looks of others.

Having said all that, I wonder if NTs might answer the same. I think that as a species, the human animal keeps some intimate details of what goes on in their head from others, even those who claim to have no secrets. Everyone has secrets that they guard under the perception that someone might form a negative opinion of them if they only knew.

NO - to personal honesty on every aspect of who I perceive myself to be, but I also can't help talking about myself, at length, on a somewhat superficial level. I do not think anyone could know me from the filtered and jealously guarded information that I leak, at least not at the deepest levels.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I'm not sure, there is a like callus that develops after a lifetime of being outside looking in. I just stopped caring a while ago. It's kinda liberating in a way. I still care about people and want the best for them, but I dont worry too much anymore about what others think. I used to be more concerned about that. Now I only worry about actions to impair or impede me and valid threats of violence. Since I train to fight everyday of my life, I feel pretty safe in general. I'm not violent at all. Never been in in a fight since 1989.

One great question is how well do you know yourself? Artistic expression of some type was a game changer for me, i like to draw and paint and sing and other stuff too. Crafts and all of that.

Then the "I" in eye has a variable identity matrix that has value according to a different standard. I am an Artist, that's what it says on my taxes. Artists are eccentric and moody anyways, so it's a good fit for me.

 

[Myrtonos]

I am often not understood. I really need to ask long and complex questions and most often, others don't respond, respond only to part of the question or else their response is too general. I have been told this is because they have trouble grasping long and complex questions.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I'm curious, so do you know why you need to ask lengthy and complicated questions? I do that too sometimes, but then other times I cant speak well aloud

 

[Myrtonos]

I'm stuck with your question, but I have discussed this with @Progster before.

 

[Misery]

Understood? Definitely not.

I'm well aware that I'm a confusing ball of weirdness to pretty much everyone around me.

 

[Thinx]

I'm not sure that it's possible for anyone to be fully understood. NT or ND. Is that why you haven't included an option to say Yes? But I would suggest that it's possible to be somewhat understood, or understood fairly fully in relation to some areas. Those options probably need to be on your quiz or it's a bit pointless asking.

I certainly would choose those options, I often have felt somewhat understood, or understood fairly fully in certain ways or by certain individuals.

I also think that whether I can feel understood is somewhat dependent on aspects of myself, my history and my own internal state and my self awareness, my confidence, self esteem, how I have been treated in life by others, how supportive my upbringing was, and other factors such as wealth, and resources available to me, the ability of anyone around me to offer support, love or even attention, etc.

Difficulties and differences in our communication can often get in the way for neurodiverse people I think, and lead to misunderstanding and feeling rejected or misunderstood.

 

[SusanLR]

There are several levels of being misunderstood for me.
The literal level because they don't seem to understand how I think, why I don't see things as they do,
or they don't understand my responses and can be insulting with replies such as, "I don't understand
a word your saying." To things like, " That doesn't even make any sense. If you can't be clearer,
then don't even talk."
To which I can be very sarcastic in replies such as, " Why don't you understand a word I say?
Do I speak in garbled-y- gook?" Or, " I explain things very well. Probably too well. But, I can oblige you
and not say a word!"

The second level of not understanding is no one can know what it's like to be me.
They would have to know all my thoughts and life history. Then add on top of that the fact
I don't want to share a lot of things and keep things to myself.
So, no, no one can really understand me on a deep level.

 

[Suzanne]

I have found one person who does understand me at my deepest level and that does feel pretty great, because she has never said anything that hurts me, even if she corrects my thinking process.

Took many year's to find such a person and just sad she is in her 70's now.

 

[Hypnalis]

I'm very confident (99%) that in general NT's don't perfectly understand themselves, and don't by choice share all of what they do understand about themselves with others.
There's a possible exception to "don't share" - life partners and very close friends - but I'm 100% confident that doesn't happen in every case: i.e. not all partners, and not all close friends.

Just a little background. I'm good at "reading" NT's behavior and motivations - and because it's an analytical process rather than instinctive, I can analyze what I know better than most NT's can.
(On reflection, that sentence may sound quite strange in this particular forum, but it's 100% true

Some comments:

• Emotions aren't intrinsically rational - NT's are better at recognizing them in others, but not that good at understanding the real causes (i.e. the "deepest level") of their (or other NT's) emotions.
• NT's "signal" their emotional state and motivations (to the limited extent they understand them) all the time, because while they can read each other, it's an imperfect art for them
• NT's can't read ND's as well as they can read each other. Not surprising if you think about it, but it causes a lot of communication problems, because ND's are generally bad at openly signaling emotions. The net effect can make NT's feel a bit uncomfortable.

 

[Crossbreed]

(You have pretty limited choices on your poll...)

The woman who first suspected that I was on the spectrum and all those involved with giftedness testing were all very understanding & insightful.

 

[Mis-fit]

Wow you all, I feel much better. I will try to explain a little history behind why I posted this poll and question. Sorry, I did leave the "yes" option out, but only for the reason that it didn't occur to me to put it in. lol.

I have never, ever, on the "deepest" level, nor even on a rather superficial level felt understood. It has been like a plague in my life, not being understood. The problems it has caused me are: I never felt grounded, like I am home. I always feel like a "Misfit" thus my name. I have tried, tried and tried some more to be understood, I have shared everything about me, all the good and all the bad, explained myself till the cows came home, only to be misunderstood. I care on a super deep level about others, but it seems that I only recently found one person who cares as much as I do to understand the implications of caring this much about other people, not that there aren't others who care as much as I do, I have only found one who does. I feel isolated, alone - bewildered sometimes. I have no one to ask for advice on some of the problems I have because no one understands what my problem is, and even if they do, they know they don't have the answer : ( I don't feel connected to society, or any single person. I don't have any best friends, but do have one good friend and a few superficial friends. I don't feel "Connected" to anyone. And most of the time I feel a sadness on a deep level longing to feel a connection, or be at least understood.

I'm not talking about withholding some information, though I guess if one did withhold information from others they would not feel connected. I have shared everything that ever happened to me, and I still don't feel connected because I get such answers as "No, that is not typical." or "Why would you do or say that?", or "I have never heard of that" type answers. Its not like anyone has ever said "Oh yeah, I have felt that way too. I do that all the time. or Boy can I relate". I just never get them.

The only solution I have found, in therapy, is to Love, Accept, Appreciate, Nurture, and "CARE" for my self! Since I have learned to do this, I do feel much much better and over half of those problems have gone away for me. I still do not feel connected to someone, or as if I had a best friend. But the pain of not being understood is gone, pretty much. It still exists on a slight level, but I have accepted, for the most part, and I might get better at acceptance, that I will not be understood because I am a complex person. And, I feel if someone did understand me, they would accept me.

I could go into detail about why and how I am complex, but this being an autism forum, I think everyone can relate on that one : )

My point is, I have learned to accept that I cannot be understood by others for various reasons, but mostly because I am complicated. My mind does not work the way NT's minds do, so basically trying to get them to understand me is like an orange trying to get an apple to understand what it is like to be an orange. It won't happen. I am hoping other people here in this forum can understand, understand the bulk of me, even if they can't understand me completely. Maybe they can even understand some of them more intricate parts. But if no one can understand me, maybe they can understand what it is like not being understood by anyone, and I could feel at least better knowing I'm not the only one who is not understood... If that makes sense : )

Thank you all for replying. I will try to get to everyone's reply in time. But that is why I posted this poll.

Bob

 

[Loren]

Genuine acceptance has been a game-changer for me, as well. Glad to hear you've healed so much. I, too, understand the effects of not being understood by many, if not most people I've crossed paths with throughout my life, and understand, deeply, what you have expressed, above.

I am fortunate in that, I had a couple experiences with two friends from my past, who understood me on a deep level, and vise verse. We've all gone in different directions in our lives, and are rarely in touch at this juncture, but, I have those memories to look back on, of which I cherish. I'm thinking that the possibility may exist for you to happen upon others you might connect with/ who would deeply/ profoundly understand you. I know it hasn't happened, as of yet, but, perhaps it will in time. In the meantime, glad you have found acceptance of what is/ has been, and that you feel so much better!

 

[Aspychata]

It's a surprise grab bag for me. My mom never got me. Then more things happened and l will never be understood.

Most of my new acquaintances upon meeting me, truly don't know me. Because my experiences have bordered on truly asinine to the truly unbelievable, so at that point, you just give up. People are quick to pigeonhole me and at this point, l don't stop them, because it would take a century for them to get me. Maybe that's where old souls and the meaning comes in. Perhaps some of us have walked the path many times before and these are just more experiences transposed on top of older ones. But l digress. If it helps you - being understood, then perhaps in some small way you feel more accepted?

 

[Aspychata]

My special interest has been understanding people. Not in a nefarious context, just a fascination with human behavior. Anyways, l hope you find both understanding and acceptance here.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Never been understood. Not by family, not by my wife, not by my co-workers.

It can be any one or combination of things:
1. My concerns are often minimized,...keep in mind, I am not an emotional person, so it's not that I am coming off with some sort of "drama".
2. Others don't seem to have the knowledge to grasp the importance.
3. Others don't see the the details of, or how things work,...they are more concerned about that it appears to be working,...but not recognizing that it is not working correctly and the consequences of it.
4. Others appear to live in the "now" and are not thinking ahead.

I am on my own path. I am doing pretty well. I am still frustrated that, as compared to most folks, I apparently see things quite differently on many levels. It can be quite frustrating that so many cannot see beyond what is immediately in front of them.

 

[Streetwise]

I am not understood now, and have NEVER been understood by anyone other than me on the deepest level.

I am just wondering how many people with Autism/Asperger's have the same problem...

I finally came to a solution, which I will share later, but I want to know how many of you know you are not understood by anyone else on the deepest level...

the rule seems to be everybody can be offensive but if I try to defend myself I will be punished

 

[unperson]

There used to be an old saying 'no-one really knows anyone - they just think they do'.

I'd be surprised if NTs want or expect to be really known, after all, you can never really trust anyone. This may be an autistic fantasy, the belief that you can or should be really known.

 

[Mis-fit]

Genuine acceptance has been a game-changer for me, as well. Glad to hear you've healed so much. I, too, understand the effects of not being understood by many, if not most people I've crossed paths with throughout my life, and understand, deeply, what you have expressed, above.

I am fortunate in that, I had a couple experiences with two friends from my past, who understood me on a deep level, and vise verse. We've all gone in different directions in our lives, and are rarely in touch at this juncture, but, I have those memories to look back on, of which I cherish. I'm thinking that the possibility may exist for you to happen upon others you might connect with/ who would deeply/ profoundly understand you. I know it hasn't happened, as of yet, but, perhaps it will in time. In the meantime, glad you have found acceptance of what is/ has been, and that you feel so much better!

Your post touched me so. It brought tears to my eyes. I'm not crying, just watered up really good : ) It seems that you actually do understand where I'm coming from with this. Not that other's don't. And certainly not that their pain of not being understood is not important. We all have suffered from this apparently, even a lot of NT's suffer from feeling or being isolated as a human being.

I do believe you understand where I am coming from. You hit the nail on the head as they say. Bingo!

I so hope that my future opens up for me and brings more people into my life like you. I don't know what you have, see, perceive, how or what you believe, what your made of, but I can honestly say for the first time in my life... I relate, on a deep level.

My self acceptance, self care, and self love has rescued me from so much pain. I really do think the problem might be in my inability to communicate to others what exactly I am made of. I know what I want to say, what I am made of and how I feel, I am just at a loss to explain or express it, which then how can anyone understand me... But you heard me... Thank you!