i am here for aspie dating help

[tumbleweed]

hi! dating aspie for 2 years. i casually asked him about someone he was following on social media; she wasn't on his friends list and didn't look like a celebrity. he filled with rage at the question and punched the wall. he yelled "dont you ever try to get inbetween us!" i found out from a mutual friend that she is an ex-girlfriend who ghosted him.

he never shows interest in me but prior to this meltdown i thought it is fine he is just aspie. it seems she is a special interest while i am in a mundane category along with his mom (who he does for sure love). he is materially generous, wants me to be with him when he goes out, mentions me in his future, but never had interest in who i am nor how i look. he searches for her on social media and still contacts her but she doesnt reply. what is going on? thank u so much!!!

 

[Forest Cat]

This is not normal behaviour. He behaves like that after you have dated him for two years? That's unusual. I don't know what you want but I would personally not put up with that, or date a guy, but he is clearly hung up on an ex in a way that is not healthy. I'm sorry you have to deal with that, it sounds bad.

 

[Dagan]

This sounds like unhealthy obsession. Maybe try talking the other gal, if you can contact her. Maybe you both then get clarity and possibly out of the way of a needed intervention.

 

[Aspychata]

Or you will piss him off forever. I don't think l would search her out. Maybe start developing a backup plan.

 

[Magna]

That kind of behavior (ie being obsessed with a certain ex that the person just can't let go of, still fantasizes about, wishes they could get back together with, etc) happens with both sexes and isn't relegated at all to men nor even further doesn't necessarily have anything to do with autism.

As an area of mild interest I watch Youtube podcasts, vids, etc about the current dating world because I find it interesting from a sociological perspective. It's a common theme with women that they can have a certain ex boyfriend or husband from their past that they pine for and just can't seem to let go of psychologically.

Point being again, it can happen to anyone male or female, NT or autistic.

If I was in your position though, I would leave the relationship. It's never good, never fulfilling and always emotionally, psychologically and physically draining to be in a relationship where you're "second fiddle". Everyone is worth more than that to settle for being considered second in a relationship to someone else.

 

[Dagan]

True, what I suggested may enrage him more. I guess, I was thinking more from the angle that if he's already angry that you would come between them, maybe you'd want to find out if "she" would ever want to come between "you two" ???

 

[Rodafina]

he filled with rage at the question and punched the wall. he yelled "dont you ever try to get inbetween us!"

This is a huge, serious concern. Please consider if this a genuinely loving relationship for you. It does not sound like a good dynamic, based on what you’ve shared.

 

[Forest Cat]

This is a huge, serious concern. Please consider if this a genuinely loving relationship for you. It does not sound like a good dynamic, based on what you’ve shared.

Yeah that relationship with the ex ended a long time ago, she ghosted him and doesn't reply when he tries to make contact and he's talking about "don't get between us"... This is a big red flag.

 

[Gerontius]

Unhealthy situation--I wouldn't give a fellow like that even the time of day. Bail while you can. This isn't "aspie" stuff; a lot of autistics as well as neurotypicals are legitimately good people and don't do stunts like that.
He is stringing you along. You deserve better than Indecisive Mamma's Boy who punches walls & breaks things. If the other girl can ghost him, you can too. It's said to be bad manners, but it's genuinely the best and safest thing here. Go for it and bail out.

 

[Luca]

Not an autism thing at all. Just very concerning obsessive behavior and sounds like he has the potential to be abusive (if he hasn't been already.)

Please let some people in your in-person life know about this unhealthy relationship and ask them if they can help. You deserve better.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Does not come across as Aspie behavior.

 

[Tom]

I think this is the point where you try to blow it out the air lock.

 

[tumbleweed]

That kind of behavior (ie being obsessed with a certain ex that the person just can't let go of, still fantasizes about, wishes they could get back together with, etc) happens with both sexes and isn't relegated at all to men nor even further doesn't necessarily have anything to do with autism.

As an area of mild interest I watch Youtube podcasts, vids, etc about the current dating world because I find it interesting from a sociological perspective. It's a common theme with women that they can have a certain ex boyfriend or husband from their past that they pine for and just can't seem to let go of psychologically.

Point being again, it can happen to anyone male or female, NT or autistic.

If I was in your position though, I would leave the relationship. It's never good, never fulfilling and always emotionally, psychologically and physically draining to be in a relationship where you're "second fiddle". Everyone is worth more than that to settle for being considered second in a relationship to someone else.

Thank you! The people on this forum are wonderful and have sincere and thoughtful feedback. there's gaslighting when someone freaks out because they have to make it like their nutso behavior didn't happen, so this forum and your reply helps me feel validated. It is hard to meet people these days and I don't want to face moving out but my mind won't accept being second fiddle plus what a freak to freak out like that. the rage was autistic style, came on and off like a light and he is aspie.

 

[tumbleweed]

He's a freaking abusive psycho. Get out now. Go live with your parents if need be.


Aspies are not like that. That's a

Not an autism thing at all. Just very concerning obsessive behavior and sounds like he has the potential to be abusive (if he hasn't been already.)

Please let some people in your in-person life know about this unhealthy relationship and ask them if they can help. You deserve better.

Or you will piss him off forever. I don't think l would search her out. Maybe start developing a backup plan.

i did ask him later after he was out of rage if we could have a 3 way call and he started crying

 

[tumbleweed]

True, what I suggested may enrage him more. I guess, I was thinking more from the angle that if he's already angry that you would come between them, maybe you'd want to find out if "she" would ever want to come between "you two" ???

thank you! i thought about this, like if she ever even contacted him would i be dumped? even having those thoughts i guess makes it obvious i should leave him. but it is hard meeting new people and i like sharing living space with him. i just cant accept the romantic relationship part, it seems fake

 

[tumbleweed]

I am starting to think you are trolling

i can't tell what comment would make u think i am trolling? u must have misunderstood me. whatever, i am grateful for the feedback the forum has given me

 

[Aspychata]

We do attract trolls. I am glad you didn't internalize this.

 

[Human Avatar]

Aggression in autism can involve severe tantrums, anger, hostility, sudden-onset violent outbursts including self-harm and rage 'episodes'. Up to 20% of individuals with autism exhibit such violent behaviors.


Emotion dysregulation -may be present in people with psychiatric disorders such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, autism spectrum disorders, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and fetal alcohol spectrum disorders.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

To me, there are too many assumtioms from very little data.

hi! dating aspie for 2 years. i casually asked him about someone he was following on social media; she wasn't on his friends list and didn't look like a celebrity. he filled with rage at the question and punched the wall. he yelled "dont you ever try to get inbetween us!" i found out from a mutual friend that she is an ex-girlfriend who ghosted him.

Does he know that she ghosted him?
Is there a reason why she ghosted him?
Did he hurt her and he regrets it?
Does she hurt him and he hates her?
Does he consider her his friend and he is not aware of the current situation?
Does he still loves her?
Is that mutual friend right?
Why did he became so angry? He may have thought you was spying him? Did you touch a trauma?

he never shows interest in me

How do you know?
What metrics do you use to know if an aspie male show interests in you?
Doesnt he cumpliment your new haitcut?

but prior to this meltdown i thought it is fine he is just aspie.

"He is just aspie" sounds lovely.

it seems she is a special interest while i am in a mundane category along with his mom (who he does for sure love).

So he loves his mom for sure.
You are in the same category.
And he does not love you for sure.
But he loves someone other person "because he follow her on social media"...

So if he started to go out with his ex-girlfriend but just followed you on social media, Would you feel more loved then?

he is materially generous

But you said he doesnt care of you...

, wants me to be with him when he goes out,

Why does he do that if he clearly doesnt love you?

mentions me in his future

What crazy guy... considering mundane girl in his future...

but never had interest in who i am nor how i look.

Maybe you are "just not aspie"
Just Aspie people are good not having interest in how people we love look. I dont pay much attention to how my wife looks. As I love her, her look is not that important to me.

he searches for her on social media and still contacts her but she doesnt reply. what is going on?

I dont know. There is one person who know. I would ask him and I would ask her.

thank u so much!!!

To me there are a lot of supositions and very little info here. Seems like two red flags.

One red flag is his behavour. Can be regret, trauma, love,... I would clarify.

The other red flag is your own behavour towards him. Why are you so insecure? Why it seems that you actually dont care for him? Why have you been in a relation for 2 years if you truly believe he is just sharing material things?

Its all quite strange to me.

 

[Rodafina]

@Atrapa Almas,
Important points, good to remember. We have extremely limited data here. It’s difficult to understand the situation without knowing much more about it.