How to Avoid Being Triggered

[Gerald Wilgus]

I am starting to prepare myself for a trip to Thailand next week and can use some strategies. While I am going for the cultural experience, I recognize that Bangkok is ground zero for sex tourism, which I detest. Those reading some of my posts may understand that I was a failure at securing Mazlow's first level, physiological needs, which includes sex, at a time when I was developing my identity. So, more often than not, when confronted with women's open sexuality I tend to think about the years I felt ignored and neglected. Painful. I remain very observant, so expect to see things that will dredge up negative thoughts about myself.

How do I steel myself to avoid being triggered? Are there any messages I can practice to keep myself on an even keel? I could use suggestions.
kob khun krab.

 

[Suzette]

With all love @Gerald Wilgus, why do you choose to continue to associate your teen self identity with YOU today? This question isn't meant to be confrontational. Rather I pose it as a question for you to ponder.

Yes, I understand there is trauma there. But your question implies that 69 ?year old you, operates through the thoughts and feelings you felt as a teen and much younger man. Does viewing your experiences now, though your trauma, help you in some way?

This trauma is a sort of identity that you have chosen. Please don't misunderstand. I don't mean that you intentionally choose this. I simply mean that, over your life time, you have developed many thoughts and feelings over many subjects. So you know that you have focused, mostly, on what was interestin, exciting, or simply beautiful and chose to think those thoughts instead of 1,000 others.

In preparing for Thailand, what thoughts are you thinking now? Do those thoughts serve your goal of having a happy trip?

Consider that in framing the premise for your question you have, unintentionally perhaps, alluded that all Thai women are potential sex workers. Does that thought ring true? Will you spend much time in the company of sex workers? I pose these questions to help you see that you are unintentionaly feeding your trauma with false ideas.

So can you start thinking about the millions of Thai women who aren't sex workers? If you can imagine your trip less addled with sex workers you will have much less triggering to prepare for.

 

[Judge]

I am starting to prepare myself for a trip to Thailand next week and can use some strategies. While I am going for the cultural experience, I recognize that Bangkok is ground zero for sex tourism, which I detest. Those reading some of my posts may understand that I was a failure at securing Mazlow's first level, physiological needs, which includes sex, at a time when I was developing my identity. So, more often than not, when confronted with women's sexuality I tend to think about the years I felt ignored and neglected. Painful. I remain very observant, so expect to see things that will dredge up negative thoughts about myself.

How do I steel myself to avoid being triggered? Are there any messages I can practice to keep myself on an even keel? I could use suggestions.
kob khun krab.

Seriously? Don't go to Bangkok- or any other urban venue in Southeast Asia. Stick to outside the cities to discover the real people and culture. Otherwise you already know what you will encounter in large cities and their nightlife that so heavily panders to westerners with cash. Bangkok, Phnom Penh, Saigon, Angeles City, etc..

All you need to if you haven't already is to look at any number of YouTube presentations of these places. Content creators focused mostly on the nightlife of getting drunk and laid as opposed to culture, history or the people. Shocking, particularly in socialist countries you'd think would eschew anything relative of western, capitalist culture you could find on 42nd Street NYC.

Though the best advice under the circumstances you have put forth seems obvious. Choose another venue far removed from that part of the world.

 

[Gerontius]

Shocking, particularly in socialist countries you'd think would eschew anything relative of western, capitalist culture.

Communists/socialists have genitals and stomachs too. Drunkenness is a human vice, not a capitalist specific...a capitalist might be whooping it up at "Salt bae's" expensive place and posting a picture of the receipt on Instagram, while a socialist might be getting plastered at a poetry reading on some booze.

Personally though? All that stuff aside, I would refuse to be seen as a white man in Thailand's city centers. I'd prefer to go spend time with Thais in the boondocks.

 

[Judge]

Communists/socialists have genitals and stomachs too. Drunkenness is a human vice, not a capitalist specific...a capitalist might be whooping it up at "Salt bae's" expensive place and posting a picture of the receipt on Instagram, while a socialist might be getting plastered at a poetry reading on some booze.

Personally though? All that stuff aside, I would refuse to be seen as a white man in Thailand's city centers. I'd prefer to go spend time with Thais in the boondocks.

It's not just about pandering to baser instincts. That happens everywhere. It's a bit more blatant than that. Seeing so many signs in one language- not Thai, not Vietnamese, not even Cambodian. All in English. Making it abundantly clear who they are targeting for "tourism". And on a very predatory level.

In their eyes westerners are simply "marks". Good reason to stay out of urban areas altogether, and get in touch with a real culture and people. Otherwise I'd think the OP's triggers will be inevitable.

 

[Suzette]

In their eyes westerners are simply "marks"

I did business with Thais from Bangkok, they would be offended.

One way to not be a target is to be more reserved in your behavior. Be direct in your dealings. Do not make small talk. Don't be rude but don't be sucked in to instant friendship or commraderie.

 

[Judge]

I did business with Thais from Bangkok, they would be offended.

No doubt, for a majority of locals who do not partake in tourism or entertainment. Though it seems the best course of action to simply avoid such urban venues geographically speaking, and not to be out late at night as well.

Diminishing the exposure to such activities may be enough to avoid such triggers.

 

[Aspychata]

Triggers. Maybe the question is triggers. I am surprised how we can just trigger. From what l understand our gray matter has mapped a straight line to the trigger according to a psychiatrist who treats veterans. So short of a lobotomy, you just got to manage this and catch the trip down that short circuit in your brain. Reward yourself for catching it and it will become easier. So you lived your life under a grand delusion, but forgive yourself. Please.

Hope this wasn't offensive. We tend to be very direct at this forum.

 

[Judge]

I would not go to Bangkok, it's so big and loud. A friend of mine went to a lovely little fishing village instead, he was supposed to be there for three weeks, that's 9 years ago and he is still there. That's how nice it was. Funny thing is that he is 6`8" and weighs 300 pounds. The local people were not used to Norwegians of his stature, they were very interested in him when he arrived there. He had some funny stories.

I'd like to visit a place much further to the south, like Phukett and the Kra Peninsula. I find the geography alone interesting in such places. However those same locales still pander to those same nightlife venues as well. Likely not much different than other venues like Cancun, Mexico.

 

[Judge]

Triggers. Maybe the question is triggers. I am surprised how we can just trigger. From what l understand our gray matter has mapped a straight line to the trigger according to a psychiatrist who treats veterans. So short of a lobotomy, you just got to manage this and catch the trip down that short circuit in your brain. Reward yourself for catching it and it will become easier. So you lived your life under a grand delusion, but forgive yourself. Please.

Hope this wasn't offensive. We tend to be very direct at this forum.

True. Triggers can be quite complicated in themselves. Where there may or may not be a simple or rational way to deal with them. Something I must deal with as well...

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I am starting to prepare myself for a trip to Thailand next week and can use some strategies. While I am going for the cultural experience, I recognize that Bangkok is ground zero for sex tourism, which I detest. Those reading some of my posts may understand that I was a failure at securing Mazlow's first level, physiological needs, which includes sex, at a time when I was developing my identity. So, more often than not, when confronted with women's sexuality I tend to think about the years I felt ignored and neglected. Painful. I remain very observant, so expect to see things that will dredge up negative thoughts about myself.

How do I steel myself to avoid being triggered? Are there any messages I can practice to keep myself on an even keel? I could use suggestions.
kob khun krab.

Hello @Gerald Wilgus , if possible go with local friends that may take care of you and keep those triggers away. You may not need to explain all the matter to them, just that you want to stay away of that. They will know how to deal with that.

If local friends is not an option, you may contract a local guide and explain clearly that you dont want to even being close to those things.

Another option is going with girls and avoid grouping just with men. People who do this kind of sexual offers are smart and wont target family groups. So having girls and wifes arround would work as a shield.

I have been living in Mexico for more than 10 years, here there is a lot of that too, also drugs and other things. I have never been offered any of them. If you dont look for those thing you will probably not even notice. Sellers know their clients.

Best of luck, I wish you a nice trip.

 

[LadyS]

I went to Thailand a few years back. What's on your agenda? I only spent a day layover in Bangkok as I also try to avoid large urban areas when possible due to my social anxiety. I really did want to visit the water markets while there but it just happened that the King died earlier on during our trip so much of the city center was closed due to the funeral procession. So we just stayed in the mall areas where it was pretty safe. I didn't encounter the stereotypical sex tourism you hear about, even during my planning. I believe it's only really located in certain areas of the city much like any large sprawling urban area. But I could be wrong. It was interesting though seeing everyone in the city wearing black in mourning for their king.

I spent the majority of time in Chiang Mai and Phuket. My husband and I loved Chiang Mai as the city center remains very much less urbanized and has more of a local flavor. We got to visit their famous street night markets and temples. All wonderful experiences. The food is AMAZING!!! We also visited their famous Elephant Sanctuary and got to feed and bathe the rescues (*no riding!!*) as well as whitewater raft.

Phuket is more touristy due to all the famous movies that were shot there and seeing the sights weren't as pleasant because of the crowds which I'm told due to Covid have thankfully slowed down. The beaches are lovely though and did some kayak island hopping which was a great unforgettable experience.

Not sure what your restraints are on your trip but hopefully you do get a chance to venture outside and see the true culture of Thailand!

You can also try asking locals on where to go and which specific areas to avoid. Trip Advisor and Frommer's are also helpful.

(Did I mention their food is AMAZING?!)

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thank you all. I think that sticking with my intention of cultural exploration will let me avoid those things I would dislike. One of the things I want to do is understand the national epic, the Ramakien. I hope to see some of the murals from it in the temple of the Emerald Buddah. I will enjoy getting to Ayutthaya, especially to finally see some Kmer architecture at Wat Chaiwatthanaram. I have 2 days of cooking school lined up and plan for a Sak Yant tattoo along with visiting markets and the POW museum in Kanchanaburi. I love the night markets and have experienced them in Malaysia and Indonesia. I did not want to schlep all of my scuba gear this time. I will be meeting a nurse I met on a COVID discussion group for professionals where I helped her with a Gantt chart to plan out a large scale vaccination program at the University. Plus, because I like fine arts there are galleries in Bangkok where I could see what is the avant garde of current Thai art. With all of this, I should be able to stick to the good parts of the culture, especially as I am staying at a nice place by the Chao Phraya River in more of a normal neighborhood.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

With all love @Gerald Wilgus, why do you choose to continue to associate your teen self identity with YOU today? This question isn't meant to be confrontational. Rather I pose it as a question for you to ponder.

Yes, I understand there is trauma there. But your question implies that 69 ?year old you, operates through the thoughts and feelings you felt as a teen and much younger man. Does viewing your experiences now, though your trauma, help you in some way?

This trauma is a sort of identity that you have chosen. Please don't misunderstand. I don't mean that you intentionally choose this. I simply mean that, over your life time, you have developed many thoughts and feelings over many subjects. So you know that you have focused, mostly, on what was interestin, exciting, or simply beautiful and chose to think those thoughts instead of 1,000 others.

In preparing for Thailand, what thoughts are you thinking now? Do those thoughts serve your goal of having a happy trip?

Consider that in framing the premise for your question you have, unintentionally perhaps, alluded that all Thai women are potential sex workers. Does that thought ring true? Will you spend much time in the company of sex workers? I pose these questions to help you see that you are unintentionaly feeding your trauma with false ideas.

So can you start thinking about the millions of Thai women who aren't sex workers? If you can imagine your trip less addled with sex workers you will have much less triggering to prepare for.

Thank you. You are exceptionally kind and understanding. Having done recent work to process and extinguish some past trauma, I am worried about regressing. You are right that I may be feeding my anxiety with false ideas. If I concentrate on what is good about the culture and people I should have a fulfilling trip. And what a history. From the nation flying apart after the Burmese invasions, being put back together by a Chinese General who later went mad, leading to Rama l and a resurgence of the arts.

 

[Kalinychta]

So, more often than not, when confronted with women's open sexuality I tend to think about the years I felt ignored and neglected. Painful. I remain very observant, so expect to see things that will dredge up negative thoughts about myself.

Well, I’d say you have something in common with the women being sex trafficked there. Men pay for access to their bodies, but as human beings those women are ignored and neglected, just as you were. But for them it’s much worse.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Well, I’d say you have something in common with the women being sex trafficked there. Men pay for access to their bodies, but as human beings those women are ignored and neglected, just as you were. But for them it’s much worse.

Which is why it upsets me when I hear of women feeling used by men. I grew to hate those guys even though a long time ago I was envious of them and their access to sexual partners that I failed at.

 

[Suzette]

I grew to hate those guys even though a long time ago I was envious of them and their access to sexual partners that I failed at.

Lets try rewriting that thought so it is still true for you, but feels better.

How about "I used to envy men who seemed to have easy access to sexual partners. But now I realize that sometimes they got their way through manipulation. I feel really good about myself because I don't manipulate women for sex. I respect them too much for that."

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Lets try rewriting that thought so it is still true for you, but feels better.

How about "I used to envy men who seemed to have easy access to sexual partners. But now I realize that sometimes they got their way through manipulation. I feel really good about myself because I don't manipulate women for sex. I respect them too much for that."

That works. The message I told myself at the time, though, was that women didn't like me because I was not much of a man. Now I must recognize that my energies were going into being successful in the work I loved, and that, combined with the respect I have for women, made me a valuable partner for my spouse who was lucky enough to recognize that in me.

 

[Matthias]

How do I steel myself to avoid being triggered? Are there any messages I can practice to keep myself on an even keel? I could use suggestions.

There are 2 steps to eliminate triggers:

1. Change how you think about the situation
2. Exposure therapy

Once you've changed your beliefs and thinking so you no longer feel triggered thinking about it, the next step is to expose yourself to the situation. You could start by watching videos where the behavior you mentioned occurs. The intensity of your emotional reaction should gradually decrease each time you watch those videos. Once you no longer react emotionally to videos of it, your reaction in real life should decrease. It will be worse the first time you're around it in Thailand but your reaction should keep decreasing as you continue to be exposed to it.

 

[Suzette]

That works. The message I told myself at the time, though, was that women didn't like me because I was not much of a man. Now I must recognize that my energies were going into being successful in the work I loved, and that, combined with the respect I have for women, made me a valuable partner for my spouse who was lucky enough to recognize that in me.

I am no expert but I have found great relief of my own trauma by rewritting the thoughts and messages I was giving myself. Exactly as we have done here. Doing so allowed me to emphasize very real aspects of life at the time the trauma occurred and effectively remember past events differently. Which lessoned the feeling of trauma in my present.

I think you you realize how valuable this is. Our traumas are real pain. But this pain still exists in the mind even if our physical reaction makes it feel more visceral. Softening how you view yourself and your past can allow us to view our triggers with less emotion, even as we are triggered. Its like watering down a drink and sipping slowly. Everything is still there. You are not attempting to deny your experiences of how you felt but finding a way to shift your perspective.