How to approach Aspie after he retreats into shell

[Isabel]

I have been seeing a man that I believe to be on the spectrum. Everything I have read about it seems to fit him perfectly. Sadly I have only come to realize this possibility now...

After two months of dating, trying to keep up with his immense speed of moving into a serious relationship and having a fantastically great time together whenever we see each other he had suddenly built this massive wall around himself. Next time I saw him I just couldn't get through to him. I didnt understand what was happening.

Long story short. He got me to a point where I said "this just wont work". We parted ways and I haven't really hear from him since.

After thinking and thinking and trying to reconstruct how we got to this point and what had happened I came up with the following theory:

He isn't very good with keeping in contact when we don't see each other and doesn't seem to understand what a normal time frame of response is. I tried to cope with this since I understood from the beginning that he is very busy and means no harm. But I did try to speak to him about this twice or thrice and I think he at some point convinced himself that I was very upset with our situation, but that he couldn't give me more attention in between seeing each other, and therefore I was going to break it off. That would explain why he prepared himself for a breakup, building a wall around himself etc (he also brought books I had lent him to our last conversation obviously prepared for the outcome of a breakup)

Two days after our last meeting, I wrote him a very calm and gentle but very long email about what I had thought had happened ("this is my mediocre attempt to reconstruct how we got to this point that came so out of the blue for me") as well as that I had no hard feelings but that I was just sad and confused about how we got there.

He wrote back two days later that he was going to read it carefully as well as: "Do you want a reply? When do you want a reply?" I wrote "I want to see you and talk about it".

All this happened within four days more than a week ago and I am still waiting for his reply. I really really like this man. He is something special and we connect on so many levels, levels I have never connected with anyone on. If I can help it, I really want to make this work.

My question to you out there with Aspergers is what I should do now...

- Can I contact him again and ask specifically to meet and talk this weekend? He seems to do better with explicit questions and timeframes then open statements like "I want to see you and talk"
- If I can contact him, how should i do it? How can I make sure I don't make him feel cornered?
- Should i let him have more time and come back to me when he is ready?
- How much time is more time? When should I accept that he wont come back and that I have to move on?
- What might he be going through right now? He seemed extremely sad when we parted ways. I know he's a very sweet and emotional man, even if it is harder for him to show sometimes.

I am just afraid that if we dont talk soon, and I dont manage to show him that I am willing to try his way and adjust to his communication style I will have given up the chance of making this work.

Any advice is welcome!!

 

[Ylva]

In the same order:

- Specificity is good.
- Textually is pretty un-cornering.
- I don't think it works like that. Ask a direct question and you will get a direct answer. Then you will know.
- When it seems sensible to do so. Your life, your judgment.
- I tend to think of AS as social dyslexia; reading people and situations is mostly just pattern recognition to me, but I often complete the pattern wrong because what I see reminds me of (and makes me expect the same results as) the last time I saw a similar one, and I assume too many things based on frankly insufficient information to justify my assumptions. If someone clarifies the intended pattern in a respectful manner, I can alter my pattern-completion for that person. It could work in a similar way for him, but then again it might not.

 

[Judge]

I really really like this man. He is something special and we connect on so many levels, levels I have never connected with anyone on. If I can help it, I really want to make this work.

Then be patient. Demonstrate in the most profound way that you are willing to deal with this on his timeline- not yours.

 

[Spiller]

Hey, Isabel..
Be direct, don't be delicate or diplomatic - I literally don't understand that kind of talk.
Set a time if you feel he works well with that; I, personally, do.. I know where I am then.
The best things I've read in your post is that you see that he's different and care for him, that would mean a lot to me..
And time's passed and you still care; I've noticed there seems to be a time limit for most people, after a few weeks it's as if they can't go back - if I care for someone, I care for a long time, but move slowly and so miss the boat.
I hope this helps a little and I wish you good luck.. we're a tricky bunch

 

[AsheSkyler]

In my experience with snails, turtles, and other shelled things, you gotta wait for them to come out on their own.

- Can I contact him again and ask specifically to meet and talk this weekend? He seems to do better with explicit questions and timeframes then open statements like "I want to see you and talk"
Can't hurt to ask. He possibly prefers bluntness and directness.

- If I can contact him, how should i do it? How can I make sure I don't make him feel cornered?
Email might be good. I like email because I can scratch my head, fret, and stim to my heart's content while I think up an answer without distracting who I'm talking to.

- Should i let him have more time and come back to me when he is ready?
You could always ask. If he's a blunt Aspie, he probably won't mind the question.

- How much time is more time? When should I accept that he wont come back and that I have to move on?
I personally have a very slow concept of time, so a year could possibly pass and he still think he could come back.

- What might he be going through right now? He seemed extremely sad when we parted ways. I know he's a very sweet and emotional man, even if it is harder for him to show sometimes.
A rough guess... Probably feeling like he did something to botch the entire thing, probably catastrophizing

 

[Saskia Priya]

Isabel, we're in the same boat! ...only in my case I (accidentally) rejected him before we could get to the dating stage, and then...well, I'm going to have to post my own post. But I know exactly where you're coming from - I wish you luck, and though I know it's not good to get one's hopes up, I think you have a pretty good chance - after all, you both obviously care about each other. (And you've been calm and forthright. Unlike me - I'm the queen of delicately beating around the bush and passive aggressively expecting him to "get" it *sigh*)

Spiller, your post makes me very happy. I'm the same about time limits...I'm NT female but I don't know, I just go on caring forever. It's so refreshing to hear from a male point of view about caring for a long time. That's not to say that the AS man I have feelings for is likely to still care in any way about me, but it's nice to see that at least some men don't "jump ship" emotionally often. The reason I messed up my own life (and his, to some extent) is that I leapt to the conclusion that he didn't care any more, even though in hindsight I think he probably did.

All the best, Isabel. He's lucky to have you.

 

[Kari Suttle]

- What might he be going through right now? He seemed extremely sad when we parted ways. I know he's a very sweet and emotional man, even if it is harder for him to show sometimes.

I don't know about him specifically, as i don't know him you do, so i will just talk about how my somewhat similar situation with my former best friend went. I don't even remember what started it, we were always great friends, shared everything with each other, yet suddenly it went cold. As an aspie i'm good at taking a misunderstanding, misreading things and making the worst possible assumptions, totally catastrophisizing it in my head really. I'll withdraw out of the blue and stay that way for ages, completely miserable but just as convinced people are better of if i keep my distance. With my friend i think it would have helped if she had kept in contact rather than simply letting me avoid her. By letting me avoid her i had way to much time to convince myself she wanted nothing to do with me, rather than having the opportunity for her to explain herself.

- Can I contact him again and ask specifically to meet and talk this weekend? He seems to do better with explicit questions and timeframes then open statements like "I want to see you and talk"

Yes you can. Specificity is always best.

- If I can contact him, how should i do it? How can I make sure I don't make him feel cornered?

This really depends on him. With my old friend we preferred email most of the time and face to face on the rare occasions it was possible. With me I find that there’s just another element of face to face and phone conversations that breeds anxiety. With email I can sit let it process and formulate my reply as I please but with face to face and phone conversations there’s an immediacy to it that I just don’t like. With your boyfriend perhaps email might be best to start with since you already emailed him, and go from there. Like I said it depends on him. I can spout off my preferences to my heart’s desire but I don’t know your boyfriend’s.

- Should i let him have more time and come back to me when he is ready?


- How much time is more time? When should I accept that he wont come back and that I have to move on?

Time is a good thing, as is not rushing him…but at the same time there is a such thing as too much time. I think at some point one might assume they've been given up on. But that might just be something i do a little too easily. Asking doesn't hurt. Give him some time to process everything but ask him about it eventually. At least with me, and this might just be cause I’m a girl, communication signals continued interest. Dropping it for too long, to me, would pinpoint a lack of it.

 

[Isabel]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I feel much better after reading them!

If I wrote "Can we give it another try?" would he understand? On the one hand its direct, on the other "try" can mean different things. I am starting to over-think this, right? Setting a time frame makes me feel really weird. As a NT I imagine being completely weirded out if it says PS: Could you try to get back to me within the next week?

 

[Suzanne]

Hi Isabel

What a lovely lady you sound No wonder he likes you

I think you have done rather nicely with your theories, because yes, it certainly does appear that he was preparing himself for a break up ( something I would do).

You need to contact him again and tell him that you want to see him and when and a specific time. If he is anything like me, I need statements. Also that you like him and want to spend time with him. If he is indeed an aspie, he may think in absolutes; it is very hard for me if someone is not clear in what they want; but being married to an nt, means I have learned a lot of nt ways.

 

[Suzanne]

As an aspie i'm good at taking a misunderstanding, misreading things and making the worst possible assumptions, totally catastrophisizing it in my head really. I'll withdraw out of the blue and stay that way for ages, completely miserable but just as convinced people are better of if i keep my distance.

Oh how this is me!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Spiller]

I thought I'd flubbed it a little while back by text with a friend.. being a bit too forward. She text back 'Can we meet for coffee' and I felt such a sense of relief! We arranged a day and time and have met up several times since..
Just tell him you'd like to meet up and talk about the two of you and see what he says, e-mail or text is good.. and yes, you seem to be driving yourself crazy there..

 

[Isabel]

I just formulated the following message:

"Marcus, if in any way you can, I would like to try again. I think we had something very good even special going for us. It would be a shame if we just threw that away.

Can we meet this weekend?"

What do you think?

 

[Spiller]

I just formulated the following message:

"Marcus, if in any way you can, I would like to try again. I think we had something very good even special going for us. It would be a shame if we just threw that away.

Can we meet this weekend?"

What do you think?

Sounds brilliant Isabel, even I couldn't misunderstand that! Go for it

 

[Isabel]

Thank you so much for helping me through this. Its hard for me because I am normally very good at empathizing with people around me and understanding how they might feel and what I can do to make it better. Not being able to do that is new to me and very scary. It also feels rewarding though. And who knows, maybe Marcus and I still have another adventure in front of us...

 

[Isabel]

He wrote back...

"The earliest that I can physically meet with you is the second week of March. But I'm going to finally send a reply to your letter tonight."

Wow. I'm so much calmer now than after I sent my message. So relieved he wrote back. Second week of march is a long way away but I know this time is extremely busy for him (he has his own startup). And if he didn't want to see me at all, he wouldn't have written this.

I am also really curious what he will write me tonight. And r e a l l y scared.

 

[Ylva]

This would be a good time to stop sharing your personal correspondence publicly.

 

[Isabel]

Ylva. I am not sure why you wrote that. Is it because you think these things are private and shouldn't be shared on a public forum except when you are looking for help?

On privacy, no one knows who I or Marcus really are (his name for example is not Marcus) - I feel our privacy is quite secure here. On the note of looking for help, I have been so warmly welcomed here and it felt so great being understood and receiving great advice. I posted his response because I wondered how people on this forum would understand his message - maybe I should have made that clearer? For me, his message is very blunt and if I didn't think he was on the spectrum I would even classify it as insensitive. But looking at it from an Asperger lens (something I am still struggling with) it might be a very positive message. What do you think? If you had written this what would you be meaning to say?

On another note, when I visit forums or try to give others advice or just sympathy for what they do, I often wonder what happened after, how the story went on. That is another reason why I posted his reply and my reaction/feelings about it.

 

[Ylva]

If you had written this what would you be meaning to say?

Exactly what it says.

 

[MicroWeiss]

Isabel,
I don't really see a problem with talking about it on a forum. If something goes wrong and you end up needing support, it is good to know that there's someone out there who can sympathize. If things go well, I think you'll eventually stop needing support, and this discussion thread will end on a pleasant note.

I think you're doing the best you can and hope it is enough, but if he ends up shutting you out again then you can just feel free to move on.

It's hard to gauge what another person is thinking. It would help to know what Marcus wants, it's kind of strange that you said he was pressuring you into a fast serious relationship. Maybe it highlighted some incompatibilities that normally might have worked out at a slower pace and with small compromises. Maybe Marcus was just in a good place a while back, and tried to make everything work at once, but his good mood wore off and it might be a while before he's feeling up to a relationship again.

 

[Judge]

Second week of march is a long way away but I know this time is extremely busy for him (he has his own startup).

Too bad you didn't mention this at the beginning. Yes, he may well be an Aspie. And yes, there is a learning curve involved that makes or breaks relationships between them and NTs.

However IMO what you really need to understand are the resources required to run and perpetuate most any startup business. Particularly at the outset, when EVERYTHING is critical. IMO you need to accommodate his being self-employed first. Then consider his possible neurological differences and most importantly, in that order.

I'm self-employed. I have a very definite point of view...but then for us it's not just a job, but survival itself. Something you don't want to emotionally "compete" with- ever.