How do you make friends?

[vergil96]

How do you make friends if large social situations and new environments are overbearing? It’s the easiest to meet people in a large groups and observe them before approaching. But new places are, at least for me, somewhat of a shock and I can‘t feel relaxed plus there is a large chance that if there are many people, something will happen that will set me off, just too many factors to take into account to avoid all the possible things that can e.g. provoke a panic attack.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Search for stragglers. Avoid the center mass and find other people near the periphery who also seem lost. That's your best bet at making a good friend at an event like the one you describe. Take frequent "bathroom breaks" if you need to. Leave early if things aren't working out and you are getting overwhelmed.

 

[Darkkin]

Get adopted by extroverts who appreciated dented, nerdy humour, puns, and sarcasm. Seriously, this is how I ended up with friends. I didn't do anything, I was in the vicinity, and like an abandoned kitten, I got toted along on activities and got to know people.

I've had the same core group of friends for going on fifteen years. Reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at a stock car race isn't seen as weird by my friends.

 

[Rodafina]

Talk to people here.

You can play forum games, start private messages, or find kindred spirits in the threads. We are a large group and it’s good practice to hone in on a few real friends.

In real life I would suggest more structured activities than unstructured group gatherings. You could try to take a class, join a club, or volunteer somewhere.

 

[George Newman]

Given the wonderful gift I have been given in my autistic personality traits, I have found making and managing deep and strong friendships to be quit difficult no matter the social situations be it overbearing or sensibly manageable.

I admit that what I am about to say is more manageable due to my self-understanding and comfort therein due to my later age and my developing self confidence and internal peace thru trial and error.

These days, I accept the controllable fact that I focus on strong acquaintances and insulate my self with strong internal fortitude. I can be a good friend by developing myself in a manner that I could be seen / understood as a good friend. I focus on my ability to be a friend at what ever level possible.

I recognize that I own my personality and if I am not accepted as friend material it does not change who I am. I’ve many characteristics to challenge myself without feeling less because others do not see me as a friend long term. I can only manage myself.

Maybe what I have shared here is a piece of the conversation on this topic but I accept that it may not contain the magic that if applied, deep friendships develop at will.

Thank you for this post. It is relevant and applicable to each of us here. Continue to pursue the topic. I look forward to reflect on other members sharing their experiences and applications.

Thoughts on this?

 

[Shamar]

How do you make friends if large social situations and new environments are overbearing? It’s the easiest to meet people in a large groups and observe them before approaching. But new places are, at least for me, somewhat of a shock and I can‘t feel relaxed plus there is a large chance that if there are many people, something will happen that will set me off, just too many factors to take into account to avoid all the possible things that can e.g. provoke a panic attack.

I can't make friends, I have no friends, I have no social life. I barely function in crowds, much less interact. In smaller groups I am quickly identified as weird, creepy, odd, strange, not quite all there and shunted aside. I have written here many times about my inability to walk up to a person and introduce myself socially.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

How do you make friends if large social situations and new environments are overbearing? It’s the easiest to meet people in a large groups and observe them before approaching. But new places are, at least for me, somewhat of a shock and I can‘t feel relaxed plus there is a large chance that if there are many people, something will happen that will set me off, just too many factors to take into account to avoid all the possible things that can e.g. provoke a panic attack.

I don't often make friends; I am adopted by extroverts. Granted, I haven't really had a work friend in about three years.

 

[vergil96]

Search for stragglers. Avoid the center mass and find other people near the periphery who also seem lost. That's your best bet at making a good friend at an event like the one you describe. Take frequent "bathroom breaks" if you need to. Leave early if things aren't working out and you are getting overwhelmed.

I never really thought about it.

Talk to people here.

You can play forum games, start private messages, or find kindred spirits in the threads. We are a large group and it’s good practice to hone in on a few real friends.

In real life I would suggest more structured activities than unstructured group gatherings. You could try to take a class, join a club, or volunteer somewhere.

I go to all sorts of “extracurricular” groups and don’t seem to make friends there. I could still try volunteering. I have had the most luck with fellow geeks and gamers.
Nice, so you’ve got a friendly community here

Given the wonderful gift I have been given in my autistic personality traits, I have found making and managing deep and strong friendships to be quit difficult no matter the social situations be it overbearing or sensibly manageable.

I admit that what I am about to say is more manageable due to my self-understanding and comfort therein due to my later age and my developing self confidence and internal peace thru trial and error.

These days, I accept the controllable fact that I focus on strong acquaintances and insulate my self with strong internal fortitude. I can be a good friend by developing myself in a manner that I could be seen / understood as a good friend. I focus on my ability to be a friend at what ever level possible.

I recognize that I own my personality and if I am not accepted as friend material it does not change who I am. I’ve many characteristics to challenge myself without feeling less because others do not see me as a friend long term. I can only manage myself.

Maybe what I have shared here is a piece of the conversation on this topic but I accept that it may not contain the magic that if applied, deep friendships develop at will.

Thank you for this post. It is relevant and applicable to each of us here. Continue to pursue the topic. I look forward to reflect on other members sharing their experiences and applications.

Thoughts on this?

Personally, I can maintain a friendship once it’s there, but struggle to get them started. Recently, I seem to have a few friends and a few of them have Asperger’s syndrome, so maybe there is some common style of interaction. I find aspes to be really chill to be around I don’t have to overthink what I’m doing or saying around them, I know they won’t take it personally if I say something stupid or behave in some manner and it won’t have anything to do with them or making a certain impression. I express feelings obviously, but they seem to be very often misunderstood as having to do with something else than they really are about. For example, I might make a sad face not because I‘m upset by what someone said, but because I have a headache or some smell is nauseating. Or I might smile to myself because I thought about something funny, not because I’m making fun of someone, and people also misread when I get angry that it has something to do with self-importance or attention seeking, in reality I get angry, because I’m overwhelmed by some experience and someone is trying to gaslight me, and gaslighting makes me angry. I don't think I misread other people as much as they misread me, but it’s tiring to have to put in all the work and actively think what someone else could possibly have had in mind when it doesn’t just appear to me based on my own experiences. I’m often told that I’m not trying to open up, I’m not giving people a chance, etc. I’m trying, I’m doing my best. I don’t have negative beliefs about others. It has nothing to do with trying, I just can’t bear certain things, they blow my mind or at least severely distract me. (I thought it was adhd…)

 

[Luca]

Being a very social person myself, I too am often “adopted” by extroverts, but I really only get along with other weird/quirky off-the-beaten-path types.
But I do recognize that I am way more extroverted and gregarious than a lot of other autistic people and have more of a need for socializing regularly. Which can also be a problem since it makes me quite prone to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

I have a huge group of more “surface level” irl friends (who are mostly *not* autistic, as far as I can tell, and mostly younger than me [early 20s]) and those friendships kind of come and go. I tend to meet people like this at social gatherings, organized activities, and through other friends or their siblings or partners. These friendships are pretty superficial and not always that satisfying (because I don’t think they actually care too deeply about me) but they are people to hang out with sometimes, and I am an extrovert and have a need for group socializing and occasionally going “out.” I wish these friendships were more fulfilling because I end up putting in way more than I get back.

I have had the same small group of very close irl friends for quite a long time, some for 5+ and some even for 10+ years, and these friendships go a lot deeper and are more reciprocal. I do feel deeply cared about by these friends. I met most of them at organized, interest-related events (like dog shows we were competing in, at dog training classes, or at college organizations like the LGBTQ+ alliance, or an activity group like an artists group or a club sports team.) I have no remaining college friends that I met in a classroom setting or anything because our interests and lifestyles were way too different, so the friendships didn’t stand the test of time.

I have one friend who I have known since we were six years old and in a foster program.

My girlfriend was actually my neighbor, and she was the one who made the first move, after I was totally oblivious to her being super interested in me for months lol

I have had the most luck with lasting friendships when I’ve met people with the same interests/special interests.

But nowadays, the majority of my closest friends are people I’ve met on this forum, some of whom I have met in person, or talk to daily outside of here. If you stick around here I am certain you will make real friends

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I agree that you might meet some great people on this site. My best friends have all been people I met by chance, without expectations.

It might be fun to go up to strangers and say, "I'd like to submit a friend request," though.

 

[tazz]

take a class, join a club, or volunteer somewhere.

All of my close friends have come from this route (or from work which is also a shared interest). I don't like just talking with people about everyday life, and I'm not very good at it. But when I meet up with a friend that has a shared interest, it's a good balance - we catch up a little about each other's families etc, but then spend most of our time talking about the shared interest. And then sometimes we also arrange to attend related events, exhibitions, or whatever together as well.

As a bonus, it also makes it easier to figure out what present to give them for their birthday

 

[Storm Hess]

I never really felt that I needed friends. I had very few friends growing up, but truthfully never felt the need to have them. I don't mind being on my own...I prefer it. Too much drama and emotional energy involved that I don't care to spend. Relationships are a tightrope for me...seems I lose my balance and fall off.

Reciprocity has always been difficult.

 

[Vindiesel]

Why does one need friends? not sarcasm I genuinely want to know. (coming from someone that hasnt had a friend in 2 decades and only has had intimate partners as a source of camaraderie)

Trying not to redirect the conversation and or give some tips but would be biased to obtaining an intimate relationship.

 

[VictorR]

I’ve yet to make any (lasting) friends from school or social activities – all of my close local friends I’ve met through work, where I’m often open to and happy to help others out, and this lead to some colleagues and mentees becoming work friends, some of which developed into close friends whom I see and talk to outside of work.

In the online world, I’ve gotten to know people in the past through special interest groups, including meeting some in person, but they were probably more like close acquaintances in that I knew and interacted with them in the context of the shared interest, and didn’t really know them on a personal level.

However, since coming here, for the first time, I’ve found a community where I can truly be myself. I’ve made several close friends whom I probably mutually know as well if not even more so than my local friends, and I’m hoping that I’ll at some point be able to meet all of them in person so that they too become “real life” friends, even if only fleetingly.

 

[NDR2]

I agree that you might meet some great people on this site. My best friends have all been people I met by chance, without expectations.

It might be fun to go up to strangers and say, "I'd like to submit a friend request," though.

I think it would be nice to be able to meet some of the people on the forum in person. The thing is that we’re all probably from different parts of the world, and we may not be near to one another.

On the other hand, one of the things that makes me feel comfortable posting here is that I can be anonymous.

 

[vergil96]

But I do recognize that I am way more extroverted and gregarious than a lot of other autistic people and have more of a need for socializing regularly.

Same.

I have a huge group of more “surface level” irl friends (who are mostly *not* autistic, as far as I can tell, and mostly younger than me [early 20s]) and those friendships kind of come and go. I tend to meet people like this at social gatherings, organized activities, and through other friends or their siblings or partners. These friendships are pretty superficial and not always that satisfying (because I don’t think they actually care too deeply about me) but they are people to hang out with sometimes, and I am an extrovert and have a need for group socializing and occasionally going “out.” I wish these friendships were more fulfilling because I end up putting in way more than I get back.

Yes, similar here, although I struggle with not having close friendships - people with whom I could actually meet and share my feelings, worries etc. I generally do not vent often enough and it's bad for my mental health.

I have had the same small group of very close irl friends for quite a long time, some for 5+ and some even for 10+ years, and these friendships go a lot deeper and are more reciprocal. I do feel deeply cared about by these friends.

I wish I did. I'm 27. I didn't get on well with people in high school, I was a "tag along". The other friend group to which I belonged fell apart to a degree and our paths went in opposite directions as well, because they became politically conservative and religious, and weren't really understanding of other perspectives in that, I didn't feel seen, and I'm the total opposite, I mean, I don't care about religion one way or another, but I'm a trans person and I'm bisexual, and I'm 100% against any dogmas, mental health stigma present in Church, not respecting women's rights etc. Then I got on with lots of people during university (computer science degree), but these connections were passing, lots of people seem to get overwhelmed and interact only with people present only in their day-to-day reality. Then it got worse, because all my friends at university dropped out and then covid came. I tried to socialize with people through interests, but nothing came out of it. Including the LGBT community, I'm still trying, because I need emotional support, but ugh...

or at college organizations like the LGBTQ+ alliance

Hello fellow LGBT person! There are no LGBT alliances in my country, unfortunately, I wish there were. I'm trying to take part in local LGBT social opportunities, but like I said, it's tough.

Of course I have other interests as well, but there never seems to be enough continuity and connection to get to know someone enough to hang out together later. Perhaps this isn't an aspie thing, but I don't know if I should be approaching people or not. On one hand, maybe I should, but I don't want to approach them if they don't want to be approached, someone told me I come across as desperate if I try to approach people, but maybe this person was the problem, I kind of am desperate at this point, but so what? Don't I have the right to? But I also find it exhausting to write messages and to process the answer and wonder what exactly it meant, I mean, from an interpersonal viewpoint, if they like me or not, should I write again later or not etc. Maybe I'm overthinking. Maybe I come across as desperate, but it's a viscous cycle, if I come across this way, nobody will want to trust me or something? But I kind of am starved at this point. But maybe I just am nervous because the whole situations aren't exactly for me in terms of, like, the amount of smells, noises etc. and maybe this is why I come across as not confident enough and all kinds of things, in the light of my recent discovery, I have to say I'm less nervous while shopping if I play some music in my earbuds. I didn't really notice that before, but I feel nervous in public spaces like that. It's not that anything specifically sets me off, hence it was hard to identify, but I feel on guard. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever to me and I don't know where the solution lies.

 

[vergil96]

Why does one need friends? not sarcasm I genuinely want to know. (coming from someone that hasnt had a friend in 2 decades and only has had intimate partners as a source of camaraderie)

Trying not to redirect the conversation and or give some tips but would be biased to obtaining an intimate relationship.

In order to vent feelings and see them in a perspective later, as well as to see different viewpoints and to learn something new. I find it fascinatin if someone shares a bit of their world.

No worries, been there, done that, lol. I also reached this conclusion at some point that friends aren't needed. But it gets lonely - at least it did for me, probably it doesn't work like that for everyone.

 

[vergil96]

I think it would be nice to be able to meet some of the people on the forum in person. The thing is that we’re all probably from different parts of the world, and we may not be near to one another.

On the other hand, one of the things that makes me feel comfortable posting here is that I can be anonymous.

yes, we're probably all over the world, especially those from non English speaking countries like me. But I have my own supply of aspies at university, haha. I've met a few in other places too.

 

[Sasha22]

Could also help to find groups that are interested in the same thing as you. In the past, I tried volunteering and various activities, but if it's a generic interest, usually I make acquaintances, not friends. But then in groups that are more targeted around interests that are truly mine, I surprisingly find friends. I guess it's because then, there's at least one thing we both really love, and I've found that it can indicate that we're alike enough to connect.
And of course, that requires showing up

 

[Jonn]

Given the wonderful gift I have been given in my autistic personality traits,

Yes, we were inordinately blessed for some reason.

If you want to make friends, be respectful, attentive, honest, supportive...
Focus on their needs...
Once a friendship has been established, there is a damned good chance they will stab you in the back.

Talking from personal experience here.