How do you handle humiliations?

[JDartistic]

how do you handle humiliations esp when you unintentionally hurt somebody?

I think many of us are socially challenged & I was out recently with 2 new friends I had met thru Match. We weren’t romantically involved but knew we could be good friends. I really liked them & I could tell we had a good dynamic.

But then we were all out during a Meet up event - that is, 10+ people, & someone asked me how we all met. I then said honestly that one of the women had a crush on me but I didn’t feel the same.

She then got pissed off & abruntly left. My other friend said to me that I was wrong to say that & that we were drama queens. She then basically told me I was a AH.

End result is that I tried so hard to make amends the next day. The one woman who left said I had embarrassed her & she wanted nothing to do with me. The other woman said the same thing about both of us saying we were both crazy & she didn’t want to deal with it.

So I basically lost 2 friends. This was done during a Meet Up event - which I organized - so everyone saw this exchange & now I’m seen as an AH by the peeps who were there.

How do I go on? I feel so sad that I hurt other people but also humiliated that I screwed It all up, again. Honestly, I didn’t even think what I did was so awful. To me, I just spoke a truth. Sadly, I hurt someone but that wasn’t my intention.

Now I’m just sad & feeling like a loser. That I can’t have friends cuz I’m such a AH. Worse, this is a pattern for me. Different situations but I still blunder thru them & end up feeling like crap.

How do others handle this?

 

[isthisreallife]

Normally, I replay my humiliation over and over again in my head until I want to die. In these moments I wish I have someone to tell me what I'm going to tell you; It's not your fault, we all have slip ups, and we'll continue to have slip ups, there's only so much you can control until something gives. These two friends can not say that they have never made a mistake that they wish they could take back, it's just not possible. Try to apologize and explain what happened, if they don't give you the chance or don't accept then it's their loss.

 

[Ambi]

I'm so sorry. Yes, I also relive them a lot - I never forget. It's torture. But eventually I do move on and just accept/forgive myself for it. It's so, so hard to not just automatically give the most straightforward and thorough answer - I hate being asked things for that reason. I think learning to forgive yourself, knowing that you are just wired to think/answer in a more straightforward way - it doesn't change how others feel, but I think my own reaction to myself was the most painful part of it all, so at least being able to shift that to a more positive place is still a big help.

 

[Kwickyfeet Icypaws]

I think there's no avoiding an emotional night of endless replays. After some time and one or more sleep cycles I can usually think about the incident more rationally.

I try to think of ways I can fix or make up for it, but the same inept social skill set that caused the problem also limits my ability to favorably resolve it, most times.

I also try to figure how how to minimize future occurrences. You generate a set of rules over time to address social limitations. When a whole room is listening I keep it short on details and stick to niceties - NTs *love* niceties, which I believe is a general purpose social currency.

 

[Ambi]

I think there's no avoiding an emotional night of endless replays. After some time and one or more sleep cycles I can usually think about the incident more rationally.

I try to think of ways I can fix or make up for it, but the same inept social skill set that caused the problem also limits my ability to favorably resolve it, most times.

I also try to figure how how to minimize future occurrences. You generate a set of rules over time to address social limitations. When a whole room is listening I keep it short on details and stick to niceties - NTs *love* niceties, which I believe is a general purpose social currency.

Yes.....I consider myself "successful" when I can use experiences to add to a set of rules that will help prevent future mishaps of the same kind - for me it starts feeling like limitations on myself, due to my social limitations...and that's kind of hard to accept/stick with, but it would make life more pleasant for everyone I think. It is HARD to learn to keep it short on details and stick to niceties - it is true that NTs really like this, though. It's just so hard to remember to not be very thorough about expressing all of my thoughts and opinions.........but I still want to try, because the consequences are eventually unbearable. It's always just a matter of time before I annoy or offend people enough to turn it into a major social problem for me, and I would rather not have that.

 

[the_tortoise]

You're not a loser. You just made a mistake. It's not as though you meant to hurt anyone.

You're not alone in the experience of indirectly sharing something about another person that they didn't want others to know about -- I've done the same thing, not realizing (or understanding the why/how of it, afterwards) that the other person could be embarrassed by what I said.

Unrequited love/crushes are on my mental list of "sensitive / private things" that, if I know about other people experiencing them, I generally treat that knowledge as if it were a secret, even if I wasn't actually asked to keep it secret -- unless I have witnessed them sharing these things with pretty much anyone/everyone or have an equally good reason to be certain that they don't care who knows. (Other items on that list are anything to do with their body/health/mental health, traumatic things that have happened to them, other things to do with love/sex, sometimes sexual orientation.....I think there are more but they arent coming to mind right now without an appropriate cue/reminder.)

 

[Kwickyfeet Icypaws]

It's just so hard to remember to not be very thorough about expressing all of my thoughts and opinions...

They asked the question so they want a complete answer, right?? I can't believe how long it took me to realize a lot of questions apparently aren't questions at all. It doesn't make sense.

 

[Crossbreed]

If the only time you open your mouth is to change feet, you might be an Aspie...!

 

[Suzanne]

Often truths are better left unsaid.

I very rarely say things to offend, because I am too aware of my surroundings and cannot deal with the after affects of opening my mouth, so to speak, which is why I say: RARELY offend, because the few times I have, oh my!

Two stand out horrifically. One was over 30 year's now. My husband had a friend who was mentally unstable. Anyway, we went over to see him on one occasion and this girl was there. I think his sister ( but not sure now). She was sitting down and looked very ill and I said: You look awful, is there anything I can do for you? She interpretted it as an insult and it took years to figure out that it was me saying: you look awful. In fact, it was to say: you look really ill. What I did not know, was that she was coming down from being high on drugs. I apologised when it came to my notice that she was upset; but how she chose to be upset, was going around telling people "choice names about me" and my husband's friend, really digged this into me. She was fine, until you insulted her. I soon began to realise that it was her issue and just left it.

The other time was when I was encouraged to drink. At first I did not accept, but I suppose I began to relax ( social gathering) and so, it was a case of: what the heck and just had ONE glass of rose, but I soon became aware that I was pretty tipsy. Yep, it takes one glass to get me going and it is quite possibly, because I am not a drinker anyway.

Well, it was decided that my husband and I would make our way home ( it was a walk away), but the woman of the house wanted to show what they were selling up and so, we piled into her living room and I was endeavouring to not let the swirling room get to me. She pointed to several pieces of furniture and suddenly, clever me piped up and said: I am sure you will be so glad to get rid of those curtains ( light beige with huge brown spots all over)? She said something like: I made those! I was mortified and quickly sobered up. But again, although what I said was in bad taste, how she responded was way over. She started to hammer me. You are extremely insulting and rude and I demand you leave, before I do something I regret! I stumbled out and cried all the way home. My husband actually was very sweet and said that she was just upset that someone insulted her taste. He then said: I will go back and explain things. He explained to her that I was rather tipsy and meant no harm. She was ok with me after that, which was a relief.

I have also had many humilatiing encounters with my husband's auntie.

We went to stay with her and her husband once and in our room, there was a row of clothes. She said the following day that she put those clothes out for me to take a look and what ever I liked, I could take. I thanked her and went and looked and they were just awful; but how to rely that to a very narcissitic woman? She asked me if I had liked anything and I smiled and said that it was really kind of her, but they are not really my taste. They are lovely though and appreciate the sentiment. Wow, she started saying: how dare you say that to me. I suppose you think they are suited to older people? Actually, yes they are, I said. So, you are calling me old then? I felt as though I was in a timewarp; it was so surreal. I tried to smile and say: well no, because you are giving them away. She then said: I will not tolerate such blantent rudeness to me and walked into her bedroom and slammed the door!

My husband was useless and just said: go and apologise to her. So, with heavy heart, I knocked on the door and she said she did not wish to talk to me. But I went in and said that I really did not mean to offend her. I am grateful that she thought of me; but I did not wish to take things that someone else may like. She accepted my apology but hit back: you must learn to not insult people!

So, I now do all I can to not say the wrong thing and it is hard, because everyone is sensitive, when it comes to something that hits them personally.

The NUMEROUS times I have been insulted and yet, for some bizarre reason, I am supposed to let it go; but those who I insult can really attack.

 

[Ambi]

Often truths are better left unsaid.

I very rarely say things to offend, because I am too aware of my surroundings and cannot deal with the after affects of opening my mouth, so to speak, which is why I say: RARELY offend, because the few times I have, oh my!

Two stand out horrifically. One was over 30 year's now. My husband had a friend who was mentally unstable. Anyway, we went over to see him on one occasion and this girl was there. I think his sister ( but not sure now). She was sitting down and looked very ill and I said: You look awful, is there anything I can do for you? She interpretted it as an insult and it took years to figure out that it was me saying: you look awful. In fact, it was to say: you look really ill. What I did not know, was that she was coming down from being high on drugs. I apologised when it came to my notice that she was upset; but how she chose to be upset, was going around telling people "choice names about me" and my husband's friend, really digged this into me. She was fine, until you insulted her. I soon began to realise that it was her issue and just left it.

The other time was when I was encouraged to drink. At first I did not accept, but I suppose I began to relax ( social gathering) and so, it was a case of: what the heck and just had ONE glass of rose, but I soon became aware that I was pretty tipsy. Yep, it takes one glass to get me going and it is quite possibly, because I am not a drinker anyway.

Well, it was decided that my husband and I would make our way home ( it was a walk away), but the woman of the house wanted to show what they were selling up and so, we piled into her living room and I was endeavouring to not let the swirling room get to me. She pointed to several pieces of furniture and suddenly, clever me piped up and said: I am sure you will be so glad to get rid of those curtains ( light beige with huge brown spots all over)? She said something like: I made those! I was mortified and quickly sobered up. But again, although what I said was in bad taste, how she responded was way over. She started to hammer me. You are extremely insulting and rude and I demand you leave, before I do something I regret! I stumbled out and cried all the way home. My husband actually was very sweet and said that she was just upset that someone insulted her taste. He then said: I will go back and explain things. He explained to her that I was rather tipsy and meant no harm. She was ok with me after that, which was a relief.

I have also had many humilatiing encounters with my husband's auntie.

We went to stay with her and her husband once and in our room, there was a row of clothes. She said the following day that she put those clothes out for me to take a look and what ever I liked, I could take. I thanked her and went and looked and they were just awful; but how to rely that to a very narcissitic woman? She asked me if I had liked anything and I smiled and said that it was really kind of her, but they are not really my taste. They are lovely though and appreciate the sentiment. Wow, she started saying: how dare you say that to me. I suppose you think they are suited to older people? Actually, yes they are, I said. So, you are calling me old then? I felt as though I was in a timewarp; it was so surreal. I tried to smile and say: well no, because you are giving them away. She then said: I will not tolerate such blantent rudeness to me and walked into her bedroom and slammed the door!

My husband was useless and just said: go and apologise to her. So, with heavy heart, I knocked on the door and she said she did not wish to talk to me. But I went in and said that I really did not mean to offend her. I am grateful that she thought of me; but I did not wish to take things that someone else may like. She accepted my apology but hit back: you must learn to not insult people!

So, I now do all I can to not say the wrong thing and it is hard, because everyone is sensitive, when it comes to something that hits them personally.

The NUMEROUS times I have been insulted and yet, for some bizarre reason, I am supposed to let it go; but those who I insult can really attack.

This post really makes me think: yes, why is it that WE are expected to let go so many insults, but others are justified? And in that same line of thought - what makes them think they can react to our slip ups in such an awful way? One option is that we slip up far more than we realize, and people are letting it go, until a few people go overboard in their response. The other option though - and I usually am quite aware of little faux pas going on, I'm just bad sometimes when I forget or I'm too involved in actually expressing myself - is that people sense where others are on the social ladder - whom can they step on? Whom can they get away with lashing out at? Whom can they kick to make themselves feel better? And I think that's often going to be Aspies, as we are often socially far down on the ladder of the social tribe, since we can't or won't play the games necessary to ingratiate ourselves with other people.

 

[Streetwise]

how do you handle humiliations esp when you unintentionally hurt somebody?

I think many of us are socially challenged & I was out recently with 2 new friends I had met thru Match. We weren’t romantically involved but knew we could be good friends. I really liked them & I could tell we had a good dynamic.

But then we were all out during a Meet up event - that is, 10+ people, & someone asked me how we all met. I then said honestly that one of the women had a crush on me but I didn’t feel the same.

She then got pissed off & abruntly left. My other friend said to me that I was wrong to say that & that we were drama queens. She then basically told me I was a AH.

End result is that I tried so hard to make amends the next day. The one woman who left said I had embarrassed her & she wanted nothing to do with me. The other woman said the same thing about both of us saying we were both crazy & she didn’t want to deal with it.

So I basically lost 2 friends. This was done during a Meet Up event - which I organized - so everyone saw this exchange & now I’m seen as an AH by the peeps who were there.

How do I go on? I feel so sad that I hurt other people but also humiliated that I screwed It all up, again. Honestly, I didn’t even think what I did was so awful. To me, I just spoke a truth. Sadly, I hurt someone but that wasn’t my intention.

Now I’m just sad & feeling like a loser. That I can’t have friends cuz I’m such a AH. Worse, this is a pattern for me. Different situations but I still blunder thru them & end up feeling like crap.

How do others handle this?

Do they know you are autistic ?and If they do know explain to them in a very plain way about your ability to communicate , The people I talk to know I am autistic!apart from that I keep it to avoiding personal feelings topic !so I just say are you alright and then generally stay quiet.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

The NUMEROUS times I have been insulted and yet, for some bizarre reason, I am supposed to let it go; but those who I insult can really attack

Bingo.

 

[Mr Allen]

I just go on a long swear word filled rant on my Blog (to which there's a link in my signature).

 

[Tom]

Sounds like you need a filter installed. Think about the other person before you say something serious concerning them. As a basic rule, don't say negative things.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Often truths are better left unsaid.

I very rarely say things to offend, because I am too aware of my surroundings and cannot deal with the after affects of opening my mouth, so to speak, which is why I say: RARELY offend, because the few times I have, oh my!

Two stand out horrifically. One was over 30 year's now. My husband had a friend who was mentally unstable. Anyway, we went over to see him on one occasion and this girl was there. I think his sister ( but not sure now). She was sitting down and looked very ill and I said: You look awful, is there anything I can do for you? She interpretted it as an insult and it took years to figure out that it was me saying: you look awful. In fact, it was to say: you look really ill. What I did not know, was that she was coming down from being high on drugs. I apologised when it came to my notice that she was upset; but how she chose to be upset, was going around telling people "choice names about me" and my husband's friend, really digged this into me. She was fine, until you insulted her. I soon began to realise that it was her issue and just left it.

The other time was when I was encouraged to drink. At first I did not accept, but I suppose I began to relax ( social gathering) and so, it was a case of: what the heck and just had ONE glass of rose, but I soon became aware that I was pretty tipsy. Yep, it takes one glass to get me going and it is quite possibly, because I am not a drinker anyway.

Well, it was decided that my husband and I would make our way home ( it was a walk away), but the woman of the house wanted to show what they were selling up and so, we piled into her living room and I was endeavouring to not let the swirling room get to me. She pointed to several pieces of furniture and suddenly, clever me piped up and said: I am sure you will be so glad to get rid of those curtains ( light beige with huge brown spots all over)? She said something like: I made those! I was mortified and quickly sobered up. But again, although what I said was in bad taste, how she responded was way over. She started to hammer me. You are extremely insulting and rude and I demand you leave, before I do something I regret! I stumbled out and cried all the way home. My husband actually was very sweet and said that she was just upset that someone insulted her taste. He then said: I will go back and explain things. He explained to her that I was rather tipsy and meant no harm. She was ok with me after that, which was a relief.

I have also had many humilatiing encounters with my husband's auntie.

We went to stay with her and her husband once and in our room, there was a row of clothes. She said the following day that she put those clothes out for me to take a look and what ever I liked, I could take. I thanked her and went and looked and they were just awful; but how to rely that to a very narcissitic woman? She asked me if I had liked anything and I smiled and said that it was really kind of her, but they are not really my taste. They are lovely though and appreciate the sentiment. Wow, she started saying: how dare you say that to me. I suppose you think they are suited to older people? Actually, yes they are, I said. So, you are calling me old then? I felt as though I was in a timewarp; it was so surreal. I tried to smile and say: well no, because you are giving them away. She then said: I will not tolerate such blantent rudeness to me and walked into her bedroom and slammed the door!

My husband was useless and just said: go and apologise to her. So, with heavy heart, I knocked on the door and she said she did not wish to talk to me. But I went in and said that I really did not mean to offend her. I am grateful that she thought of me; but I did not wish to take things that someone else may like. She accepted my apology but hit back: you must learn to not insult people!

So, I now do all I can to not say the wrong thing and it is hard, because everyone is sensitive, when it comes to something that hits them personally.

The NUMEROUS times I have been insulted and yet, for some bizarre reason, I am supposed to let it go; but those who I insult can really attack.

Actually Suzanne, I thought your response to the aunt was both tactful and appropriate. I think it was her that had a problem there not you.

 

[Riley]

Badly.

 

[Suzanne]

Actually Suzanne, I thought your response to the aunt was both tactful and appropriate. I think it was her that had a problem there not you.

Totally agree and why when ever she skypes my husband, he is gracious enough to make sure I am no where in sight. He knows how I feel and although he would like it the opposite way, he knows he is not going to get it.

Sadly, though, her husband is an intelligent man and I have had fantastic chats with him, but obviously no go.

 

[Roy pryer]

how do you handle humiliations esp when you unintentionally hurt somebody?

I think many of us are socially challenged & I was out recently with 2 new friends I had met thru Match. We weren’t romantically involved but knew we could be good friends. I really liked them & I could tell we had a good dynamic.

But then we were all out during a Meet up event - that is, 10+ people, & someone asked me how we all met. I then said honestly that one of the women had a crush on me but I didn’t feel the same.

She then got pissed off & abruntly left. My other friend said to me that I was wrong to say that & that we were drama queens. She then basically told me I was a AH.

End result is that I tried so hard to make amends the next day. The one woman who left said I had embarrassed her & she wanted nothing to do with me. The other woman said the same thing about both of us saying we were both crazy & she didn’t want to deal with it.

So I basically lost 2 friends. This was done during a Meet Up event - which I organized - so everyone saw this exchange & now I’m seen as an AH by the peeps who were there.

How do I go on? I feel so sad that I hurt other people but also humiliated that I screwed It all up, again. Honestly, I didn’t even think what I did was so awful. To me, I just spoke a truth. Sadly, I hurt someone but that wasn’t my intention.

Now I’m just sad & feeling like a loser. That I can’t have friends cuz I’m such a AH. Worse, this is a pattern for me. Different situations but I still blunder thru them & end up feeling like crap.

How do others handle this?

I dont get humiliated. ...i let people take it or leave it.

 

[Judge]

But then we were all out during a Meet up event - that is, 10+ people, & someone asked me how we all met. I then said honestly that one of the women had a crush on me but I didn’t feel the same.

You attempt to learn from your mistake. Despite any sense of goodwill on your part, you NEVER try to build a friendship on a foundation of your own unrequited emotions towards another person.

Consider this. What I call a "dirt-common social dynamic". Where one's lover dumps them, but then insists on "being friends". Easy for them to say and abide by. It's a social dynamic that ultimately leaves the rejected person at a distinct disadvantage and in a perpetual state of vulnerability. While you think of them as just a friend- a buddy, they may still be pining to win you over, or win you back. Making for what amounts to a dysfunctional and lopsided friendship. One likely doomed from the outset, IMO.

As painful as the remorse may be for you, think of this in a positive light. A clear-cut lesson over a common social dynamic despite which few people see coming, and one most definitely to avoid.

Losing friends is a painful ordeal in itself- no question. But we must still be vigilant about the friends we choose.

 

[DuckRabbit]

people sense where others are on the social ladder - whom can they step on? Whom can they get away with lashing out at? Whom can they kick to make themselves feel better? And I think that's often going to be Aspies, as we are often socially far down on the ladder of the social tribe, since we can't or won't play the games necessary to ingratiate ourselves with other people.

Hits the nail on the head. Accordingly, I have a more cynical view of the advice given above re. "NTs love niceties" so just try to give out pleasantries, niceties, non-contentious platitudes and you'll come out of social encounters unscathed. Not so. You're lucky if "giving out niceties" leaves you unscathed. More usually, social life cannot be thus formularised/formulated (?) - at least not for Aspergers.

NTs can give out niceties and astonishingly people take it at face-value and lap it up uncritically; they probably describe them as a "charming" or "lovely" person. But because of Aspergers' aura of oddness and low social status, if they give out niceties, it can often be rounded on as something they're doing wrong. Basically NTs can seize upon anything Aspergers are doing in order to exercise their one-upmanship over Aspergers. Aspergers can be doing the exact same things as NTs - usually because they are striving to be inoffensive, inconspicuous, and pass as NT (normal) - and that still does not make them immune to potential social censure.

This is the same reason NTs can be rude and insulting with impunity, but if an Asperger is rude and insulting, the backlash can be vitriolic. I'm inclined to think that the backlash would be less vicious if the Asperger were rude and insulting *on purpose* - with spiteful, malevolent intent behind it. Perhaps NTs sense rather that it is *unconscious* and that is the factor which adds such venomous fury and indignation to their reaction: that the remark was given out innocently, obliviously.