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Hits the nail on the head. Accordingly, I have a more cynical view of the advice given above re. "NTs love niceties" so just try to give out pleasantries, niceties, non-contentious platitudes and you'll come out of social encounters unscathed. Not so. You're lucky if "giving out niceties" leaves you unscathed. More usually, social life cannot be thus formularised/formulated (?) - at least not for Aspergers.
NTs can give out niceties and astonishingly people take it at face-value and lap it up uncritically; they probably describe them as a "charming" or "lovely" person. But because of Aspergers' aura of oddness and low social status, if they give out niceties, it can often be rounded on as something they're doing wrong. Basically NTs can seize upon anything Aspergers are doing in order to exercise their one-upmanship over Aspergers. Aspergers can be doing the exact same things as NTs - usually because they are striving to be inoffensive, inconspicuous, and pass as NT (normal) - and that still does not make them immune to potential social censure.
This is the same reason NTs can be rude and insulting with impunity, but if an Asperger is rude and insulting, the backlash can be vitriolic. I'm inclined to think that the backlash would be less vicious if the Asperger were rude and insulting *on purpose* - with spiteful, malevolent intent behind it. Perhaps NTs sense rather that it is *unconscious* and that is the factor which adds such venomous fury and indignation to their reaction: that the remark was given out innocently, obliviously.
I think their estimation of "not strange" is narrower than ours. While we would all agree that sociopathy is unacceptable, some things that we could call novel or unconventional would also be considered strange to them.
I have always wondered if the difference between my social "cheat sheet";or "mask" a new term to me; and sociopathy, was simply the difference in intention, as far as who is the recipient of the benefits of said calculated interaction...Who is “them???” Different countries, cultures, races, religions, all have varying differences. What exactly is “Them?” NTs are as diverse as there are stars in the sky. There is no one exact NT or type of thinking, social norm, or normalcy. It’s all relative to many variables.
I tend(possibly chauvinistically) to believe that WE are the enlightened bunch.people bully me all the time. nobody cares.
I tend(possibly chauvinistically) to believe that WE are the enlightened bunch.
There ARE people that care about other people.
I care about other people.
I care about YOU.
I care about EVERYBODY.
I care MORE about those that care about others than I do about those that don't.
THIS is the mechanism by which we change the world.
If you need to talk, I am here.
Fμ©k a bully.
Agree - one does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. I always feel Aspergers are on a fast-track to making the darkness conscious due to the frequency of the bullying, discrimination and degradation they receive. Unless they have fame, money or some specialised expertise as protective factors, their low social status attracts it. That's why it can be an important survival strategy for Aspergers to turn things around and quietly acknowledge that high social status is generally not conducive to enlightenment.I agree with all except the enlightened aspect - unless it be said that enlightenment comes not from any mental superiority but by having been on the recieving end of bullying, of discrimination, of degradation.
Thanks for the suggestion. It's helpful for diversifying my own thinking. I'd quail at going in for a 'we need to talk' encounter though, when they're only a weak social tie. I fear they'd hate me even more! Getting all intense and heavy when ideally you'd like to keep it breezy and upbeat.I would sit them down and listen. Attempt to discover what is upsetting them. Then I would proceed from there.
Thanks for the suggestion. It's helpful for diversifying my own thinking. I'd quail at going in for a 'we need to talk' encounter though, when they're only a weak social tie. I fear they'd hate me even more! Getting all intense and heavy when ideally you'd like to keep it breezy and upbeat.
Thanks - it's helpful to hear your view to check any biases and mis-attributions against.It likely doesn't need to have any sort of connotation. More a fact gathering mission, which might aid you somewhat. Something innocuous, like a coffee outside the premise. For a listen to what is troubling the person.
It may have nothing whatsoever to do with you, they may be having a rough time in their personal life. It would be good to know that, as it might aid the other person to talk and help you to resolve things. Then you could interpret what you will of it. It could also backfire as well, as the attempt might alter the status quo. And the individual become over-friendly. It's certainly a conundrum, one that you can only resolve yourself.
An uplifting article about trees and what women are doing to save them:I love this post! What a positive way to focus our efforts - and I do appreciate nature and animals naturally, and I do want to focus on my own health and living a good, peaceful life. But what I also really loved was the opening idea - that NTs seem to respect the F-Y attitude rather than all that "assertiveness" stuff they are always going on about. The fact is, I think even assertiveness is only fully accepted by those they socially respect - not everyone, there are many decent people who will not be like that. But yes, I do think that finally I have noticed it comes down to an F-Y attitude, at least a bit, to get them to lay off, respect you, respect your boundaries - it's a way to guard your boundaries. So strange. But I'm glad I'm no the only one who has observed/wondered that - I wondered if I was just being jaded, but it seems so true.
When I was a kid, I was so, so lonely.....I used to turn to trees and animals for social comfort - yes, trees. I was very aware of them as living beings and loved leaning up against them for comfort - I still am very aware of them as living creatures and find comfort in them. But all in all, maybe I do need to really start focusing on these things rather than NTs. It's hard when you feel like they are sharks that might randomly bite while you aren't looking...so I guess there's a balance required. i guess that's where that F-Y attitude, when needed, can help keep them at bay for longer periods of time. Part of what I struggle with with NTs is not having that strategic social flexibility they have - when to be nice, when to be firm, when to be indifferent, etc. - I have this one human suit that I wear, whether it is suitable for the occasion or not. I am now at a new job, and I don't want to have this problem again - I can already feel it happening - basically, now I feel like I am driving forward better, but still zig-zagging, but where before I would crash, I now manage to correct myself enough - I think my next correction is to have an F-Y attitude when people try to impose (which they have been).