How do people find people? Advice please.

[Fridgemagnetman]

I wouldn't do the shirt. That sounds hilarious but as she is working in a shop it could just be nice customer service. I would just ask her if she'd like to go out sometime!

Are you serious?
The T-shirt is reusable

You could walk down any street flashing it, who knows what might happen?

 

[tree]

If a person wearing a t-shirt with a "Let's do coffee" type message
on it approached me, I think I'd react the same way that I do to
Christmas letters.

That while this might seem an amusing way of communicating,
to the person in the shirt/writing the letter, it's too artificial for me.
This is to say, the effect upon me would not be a positive one.

 

[WeirdoGuy]

Any updates?? I'm curious.

 

[Dan Dan]

Any updates?? I'm curious.

No. I went in today after work but she wasn't there. I assumed she was in the back or on a break or something. So i purposely forgot cat food so i had an excuse to go back later then i realised that she's only ever seen me in my dusty work uniform so went home took a shower, and changed into my nice clothes and went back but i still couldn't see her. I think she either finished or was in the back still. This was about 35 minutes ago. Im going to do the same thing this Thursday. Im going to go in and make sure she's there then forget something and go back later when its quiet!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

No. I went in today after work but she wasn't there. I assumed she was in the back or on a break or something. So i purposely forgot cat food so i had an excuse to go back later then i realised that she's only ever seen me in my dusty work uniform so went home took a shower, and changed into my nice clothes and went back but i still couldn't see her. I think she either finished or was in the back still. This was about 35 minutes ago. Im going to do the same thing this Thursday. Im going to go in and make sure she's there then forget something and go back later when its quiet!

Ok. I'll forgive you. No T-shirt.

But you'll do it

 

[Dorkasour]

AH! I am rooting for you!!! You have way more guts than me!

 

[Dan Dan]

AH! I am rooting for you!!! You have way more guts than me!

Believe me im terrified.

 

[tlc]

I'd just ask her to coffee like others say or maybe lunch. When you get to talking, maybe you'll like her more, but maybe she will say some things and you realize you're not very compatible. Could go either way.

I've not had much courage to just go up and talk to people without the ice being broken to begin with. In school I just went along with a few people who already liked me. In 1997 I got my first computer and been internet dating ever since.

Best of luck! You got more guts than me too.

 

[WeirdoGuy]

Since you believe she might be on the spectrum, I would advise against asking her for coffee. If she is not a coffee drinker, she might say that and yet still be interested in you. Simply ask if she would like to go out with you sometime. It leaves it open so that no literal interpretations can get in the way.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

walk in with a guitar.. and sing a Susan boyle song...
Wearing a bow tie..

 

[WeirdoGuy]

walk in with a guitar.. and sing a Susan boyle song...
Wearing a bow tie..

Bow ties are cool!

 

[Dan Dan]

I saw her last night i was a man with a plan. And also a clever backup plan. BOTH failed!

Butterflies kicked in when i saw her and got worse as i approached. I bought a box of those laundry tablets as my forgot item, which i dropped on the floor at the counter. I looked up just in time to see her try and hide a giggle. Anyway i heard the door open and another customer came in and a man stood behind me in the queue. That was something that i hadn't anticipated, an audience. I became so focused on the man behind me i just fell to pieces. If someone had seen my performance last night they would know how hopeless i am. Nervous stuttering and nonsense and i didn't even look at her. I couldn't find my voice. My head was in bits.

It was time to get out, abort mission. But not before plan B. My backup plan was to leave my little note book i use for work on the counter which looks like a wallet and has my name and contact details in it in case i ever loose it. I'd hoped she would find it and call me. I left it just out of her sight. I turned around and started to walk away when the man who was behind me shouted "i think you've left your wallet pall". Plan B had totally backfired. I turned around and retrieved my notebook/wallet, said thank you in a sarcastic tone and left.

I dont get angry often but that man really pissed me off last night. I sat in my van for a long time waiting for my heart beat to calm down. Thinking how much I must have made fool of myself and what a walking disaster i am. To be totally honest, even if the man hadn't come in and stood behind me im not sure i would've found the courage. That was much harder than I thought it would be. Im not going to go in for a while.

 

[Dorkasour]

You are so cool!!!! I envy your courage to really try! How awesome!!!!

 

[WeirdoGuy]

OK. This all sounds normal and familiar. There were many times in the past where I felt that a girl liked me, and yet I had no courage to say anything. One of the main things that helped me was an acceptance of my own awkwardness. When you dropped the box of laundry tablets on the floor (something that most of us are likely to do, especially since Asperger's is often paired with proprioception deficiencies), you have to learn to own it. Giggle with her, verbally acknowledge your clumsiness, and laugh about it ( a bit of a self-deprecating sense of humor is required).

You couldn't pull it off the first time you tried. It doesn't mean you can't try again. The main thing that I've learned: it WILL NOT play out like whatever scenario you thought of in your head. We tend to overthink things, and unfortunately this prevents us from taking action. You can imagine the scenario where you ask her out, but you cannot commit to it. The actual scenario will not take place and you will not be able to move forward if you get stuck on the thought "This isn't what I imagined."

You say that you both have conversations. Forget the plans, forget conveniently forgetting something to go buy again, and forget trying to place the ball in her court by leaving your contact information. The next time you two are conversing, take note that you are having a conversation. Work up some courage, and during the conversation simply ask "Would you like to go out with me sometime?" Trust me! It is something that must be done so that it can be done again in the future.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

am. To be totally honest, even if the man hadn't come in and stood behind me im not sure i would've found the courage. That was much harder than I thought it would be. Im not going to go in for a while.

I think what you did was brilliant.
The guy ,forget him.
You're being a little hard on yourself
It's okay to go in as normal.

Write it down maybe.
Girls can also know how hard it is.
(Don't even think it)
Say you know I get really nervous hand her a note. You made a great plan imo, make another.
Dan Dan you're the man man

 

[Dan Dan]

You are so cool!!!! I envy your courage to really try! How awesome!!!!

Ive never been called cool before ever. Especially for something so tragic. But thanks!

OK. This all sounds normal and familiar. There were many times in the past where I felt that a girl liked me, and yet I had no courage to say anything. One of the main things that helped me was an acceptance of my own awkwardness. When you dropped the box of laundry tablets on the floor (something that most of us are likely to do, especially since Asperger's is often paired with proprioception deficiencies), you have to learn to own it. Giggle with her, verbally acknowledge your clumsiness, and laugh about it ( a bit of a self-deprecating sense of humor is required).

You couldn't pull it off the first time you tried. It doesn't mean you can't try again. The main thing that I've learned: it WILL NOT play out like whatever scenario you thought of in your head. We tend to overthink things, and unfortunately this prevents us from taking action. You can imagine the scenario where you ask her out, but you cannot commit to it. The actual scenario will not take place and you will not be able to move forward if you get stuck on the thought "This isn't what I imagined."

You say that you both have conversations. Forget the plans, forget conveniently forgetting something to go buy again, and forget trying to place the ball in her court by leaving your contact information. The next time you two are conversing, take note that you are having a conversation. Work up some courage, and during the conversation simply ask "Would you like to go out with me sometime?" Trust me! It is something that must be done so that it can be done again in the future.

Ive found that whenever I plan things out they rarely turn out the way i expected. But sometimes they do. When i was walking in i felt like i was about to walk on stage. I felt pressured and like i was forced into it. I need to wait for the perfect moment and do it naturally. If i can get out of the mindset that im going to ask and just talk to her as normal i think maybe the words might fall from my mouth without me thinking about it.

 

[Dan Dan]

I think what you did was brilliant.
The guy ,forget him.
You're being a little hard on yourself
It's okay to go in as normal.

Write it down maybe.
Girls can also know how hard it is.
(Don't even think it)
Say you know I get really nervous hand her a note. You made a great plan imo, make another.
Dan Dan you're the man man

Im not sure if i come across as just nervous. I dont really have the words to describe how i behaved. This was the first time she's seen me malfunction. Before now I'd always been able to talk to her as normal. So im going to stay away for a little while and hopefully she will forget about it. I wish someone from here could have seen me. It was bad. I keep re-living it in my head.
Apriciate the support!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Im not sure if i come across as just nervous. I dont really have the words to describe how i behaved. This was the first time she's seen me malfunction. Before now I'd always been able to talk to her as normal. So im going to stay away for a little while and hopefully she will forget about it. I wish someone from here could have seen me. It was bad. I keep re-living it in my head.
Apriciate the support!

Well, you could consider going back.
Girls tend to know more about this stuff,
If she saw your nerves she may have guessed.
You go back and try she may do the rest of the job.
But whatever you decide is best.
But consider it.

 

[AO1501]

The direct approach in trying to find an opportunity to ask her face to face is the right one, but if I may suggest a different plan B, just in case plan A fails next time?

Get a small piece of card - business card size, and on one side, neatly write: Would you like to go for a coffee with me sometime? If so, write when on the reverse and give the card back.

If you need plan B, then even if you're interrupted by another customer, all you have to do is hang around until you get your answer.

 

[WeirdoGuy]

I need to wait for the perfect moment and do it naturally.

The point I was trying to make with the scenario in your head is that the "perfect moment" never comes in real life. Too many opportunities have passed me by while I was waiting for the right situation or the perfect moment. You can do this!! But you can't think that there will be some moment where it will all fall into place. Don't avoid her, or worry about how it went last time. You can own it. You can tell her "The last time I saw you I was really nervous." Then you could let her know that you were nervous because you wanted to ask her out on a date. If she giggled when she asked if you were clumsy, she probably finds your nervousness and quirkiness endearing. Be who you are, accept who you are, but add a little courage. Trust me, it gets easier once you can manage asking the first time.