How do people find people? Advice please.

[Dan Dan]

Ok so all my life ive been hopeless with female interaction of any kind. If i see a girl im attracted to i avoid them and if im in a situation where i have to talk, well lets just say i crumble on the spot. I dont know where to put my eyes, i just kind of look every where other than the actual girl. At the ceiling, at the floor, behind her..... wherever. And my speech turns into a jumbled up mess of stuttering and mumbling and nonsense. On a couple of occasions i developed a tick in the form of head shaking. Total meltdown!

For around 6 months now there's been this girl who works in my local shop. She works evening's Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. Its fair to say that she is definitely my type. She's pretty, blonde, glasses and she's really quiet and shy and extremely polite. I dont know why but my autistic senses tell me she could be a fellow aspie. Maybe that's the reason I can actually converse with her. I feel an energy when i talk to her and my heart beats like a drum to the point where I can hear it in my head. Although ive still not made direct eye contact i did once take a sneak peek when she looked down to see what colour they are. They're blue.

She always smiles at me whenever I approach her and always initiates a conversation with me. Yesterday i injured my finger at work and used duct tape to dress it. She got me a first aid box and gave me a plaster. Asked me if i was clumsy and giggled when i said yes. I know that's not unusual, its normal human behaviour. But ive noticed that she only does it with me. And like i said i feel an energy between us. With other customers she is very quiet and doesn't really bother talking to them. Maybe im misreading signals again. Maybe im just living in a dreamworld where i see what i want to see. Or maybe not. I just don't know.

So my problem is how would i ask her out? Ive never really asked a girl out before. Exept once in school and she said no and laughed really loud that everyone else heard and laughed at me. I cant think of anything more difficult for me than to ask someone out. I would rather cut out my own tongue. Even thinking about it makes me shudder. Something that comes so naturally to most people, but for me is unnatural. Im always asking myself "how do people find people"? That part of my brain doesn't exist.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

[Streetwise]

I like you!would you like to do something with me ?NTs say would you like to go for coffee ?

 

[Suzanne]

Hi Dan Dan

I think it is safe to say that she likes you, otherwise, she would not pay special attention what is to say that you are living in a dream world? Your aspie sense is picking up on vibes that she is not quite an nt and in truth, the way you described her personality, she is not the type to shout a loud and humilate you if she only sees you as a friend.

So, ask her, as Streetwise suggests if she would like to go for a coffee or what ever else her preverance is? Say that you like her very much and feel there is a lot in common and even be bold and say: I have aspergers and it is very hard for me to do this; help me out lol

 

[Juliettaa]

Your past experience of a silly schoolgirl laughing at you will not be the outcome this time. It sounds as if she really likes you, so as the others have suggested, ask her if she wants to go for coffee.

Don't overthink it any longer! Good luck.

 

[Kirsty]

I like you!would you like to do something with me ?NTs say would you like to go for coffee ?

I know. This is kind of annoying.

 

[Kirsty]

You could write her a note. Put it in an envelope and leave it where she can see it.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Was also going to suggest a note you could hand her (if you're too nervous to say it) asking if she'd like to have coffee or an ice cream on her day off? You could enclose your email and just say "you can let me know if you want by email. " That takes the pressure off both of you but it sure sounds like she's interested in you! Good luck, let us know how it goes.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Buy a t -shirt with

'How about coffee? Written on it.

Wear a sports jacket over it, then do a big reveal (of the T-shirt!)

At the appropriate moment.

1. Humor
2. Objective accomplished without asking directly, you will probably need to ask her to read the shirt and say something like what do you think or she may catch on immediately.
3. Points for an interesting approach.

The first idea is free

 

[LucyPurrs]

Buy a t -shirt with

'How about coffee? Written on it.

Wear a sports jacket over it, then do a big reveal (of the T-shirt!)

At the appropriate moment.

1. Humor
2. Objective accomplished without asking directly, you will probably need to ask her to read the shirt and say something like what do you think or she may catch on immediately.
3. Points for an interesting approach.

The first idea is free

You win the cake for clever

 

[WeirdoGuy]

I would say that you have to ask her out in person. The first few times you do this, you will be extremely nervous, you may stutter, you may pause unexpectedly to gather your thoughts, and plenty of other awkward things. But I know from experience that this needs to happen eventually. Unless this person agrees to date you AND is with you forever, there will be other situations where you would have to have the courage to ask right away or the moment is forever lost. Ask her plainly if she would like to go out sometime. As scary as this can be, if you manage to overcome your fears, uncomfortable feelings of awkwardness, et cetera, then you will be less nervous if you ever have to do it again. Also, it sounds like in this case, she is going to say "Yes" which makes it better.

 

[Dan Dan]

I have a severe lack of confidence. Like for me confidence is non existent. I think i could probably summon up the courage to ask her but the hardest thing would be dealing with the rejection. Having no self confidence has already put the answer "no" in my head. Ive already been somewhat rejected this year and it hurt.

Sometimes i just need to grow a pair and do things that scare me. Been looking online at an article on female body language and signals that indicates attraction. But as i said i suspect she could be autistic so perhaps her body language and signals are different from those of an NT. Would it be inappropriate to ask if she is autistic? Also took an online "does she like me" test which said yes but i dont think that was entirely accurate. I'll do it when the time is right and its not to busy. Closing time perhaps. I dont know what words will fall out of my mouth. Im known for saying the most stupid things at the wrong time.

 

[Streetwise]

I have a severe lack of confidence. Like for me confidence is non existent. I think i could probably summon up the courage to ask her but the hardest thing would be dealing with the rejection. Having no self confidence has already put the answer "no" in my head. Ive already been somewhat rejected this year and it hurt.

Sometimes i just need to grow a pair and do things that scare me. Been looking online at an article on female body language and signals that indicates attraction. But as i said i suspect she could be autistic so perhaps her body language and signals are different from those of an NT. Would it be inappropriate to ask if she is autistic? Also took an online "does she like me" test which said yes but i dont think that was entirely accurate. I'll do it when the time is right and its not to busy. Closing time perhaps. I dont know what words will fall out of my mouth. Im known for saying the most stupid things at the wrong time.

I repeat !Say I like you !would you like to go for coffee?while you are doing this breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I dont know what words will fall out of my mouth. Im known for saying the most stupid things at the wrong time

Spresdshirt.com $10. Because she's worth it.
No words needed

5 years later .. she tells friends how you met... well he came in with this t shirt..

But.regardless, step up and good luck.

 

[LucyPurrs]

I second Fridgemagnetman's idea, funny , novel and creative. She'll appreciate it! And you don't have to worry about getting tongue tied. But for heaven's sake, don't ask her if she's on the spectrum before you even get her to go out for coffee or whatever- that might really put her off, or worse make her feel insulted because she doesn't know you are on the spectrum so she won't know how you feel about that.

 

[Kirsty]

I'll do it when the time is right and its not to busy. Closing time perhaps. I dont know what words will fall out of my mouth. Im known for saying the most stupid things at the wrong time.

I was just thinking this as well as you’ll be feeling all nervous or whatever and it’s the perfect time when closing to get away once it’s given to her.

 

[Dan Dan]

But for heaven's sake, don't ask her if she's on the spectrum before you even get her to go out for coffee or whatever- that might really put her off, or worse make her feel insulted because she doesn't know you are on the spectrum so she won't know how you feel about that.

Yeah i thought that might be a bad idea. Like i said i always say stupid things.

 

[Gritches]

Would it be inappropriate to ask if she is autistic?

Very. Whether she is or not. Just...no.

Otherwise it sounds like you have it in with this girl. She doesn't sound like the type who would say no and laugh in your face like that girl back in school. Just doesn't sound the type who would be willing to hurt you in any way even if her answer was no, which I doubt. Honestly, it sounds like you're in like tonic and gin, she might even be waiting for you to ask her out.

"Just be yourself". I used to hate that phrase. Who the hell else am I supposed to be? But what it means is don't try so hard. If you sit and over-plan how to ask her out, you're just going to make yourself more nervous, you'll seem less sincere and more rigid, and worst of all you'll seem desperate because I know that feeling: where everything in your being in depending on her saying "yes". You will never get anywhere if you stink of desperation.

So, what to do? Others have suggested a note asking her out. This is a good idea. I've been trying for the last half hour, but I can't explain why it's a good idea without insulting you and/or sounding like a total dick. Just trust me, a handwritten note is the way to go for you in this situation.

 

[OlLiE]

stop looking, stop trying to have a relationship, try to be her friend, and organise something that you both enjoy, the harder you push the less it works

 

[WeirdoGuy]

I have a severe lack of confidence. Like for me confidence is non existent. I think i could probably summon up the courage to ask her but the hardest thing would be dealing with the rejection. Having no self confidence has already put the answer "no" in my head. Ive already been somewhat rejected this year and it hurt.

Sometimes i just need to grow a pair and do things that scare me. Been looking online at an article on female body language and signals that indicates attraction. But as i said i suspect she could be autistic so perhaps her body language and signals are different from those of an NT. Would it be inappropriate to ask if she is autistic? Also took an online "does she like me" test which said yes but i dont think that was entirely accurate. I'll do it when the time is right and its not to busy. Closing time perhaps. I dont know what words will fall out of my mouth. Im known for saying the most stupid things at the wrong time.

I understand your fears. You're taking on-line tests, looking up signals, and asking on this forum. All of these things are basically to receive a confirmation that she will say "Yes" when you ask. While it does seem that the chances of a "Yes" are very good in this case, no amount of web searches, tests, and studying body language will get rid of the fear. The fear of asking will always be there, even when you know for sure that the answer is "Yes." This is a major point in your life where you can somehow summon the courage to overcome that fear, or have a number of other situations like this with other girls happen in your life without taking action. It is really hard, really scary, and almost seems impossible. But it can be done if you work yourself up to do it.

As far as asking her if she is autistic, I can tell you that the answer is a VERY FIRM "NO!!!" I am now 41, and from my teenage years to the present day, I have constantly had to learn things that are not appropriate to say or ask. There are still occasions where I say or ask inappropriate things, but I do it less often now. I didn't know I had Asperger's until I was 32. However, my friends apparently always knew. When I told them and they all said things like "Yeah, I know" or "We established that years ago", I asked why they never told me. They said they thought I would be offended. My takeaway from this is that neurotypicals consider it offensive to ask someone if they are on the autistic spectrum or to tell someone that they suspect they are on the spectrum. So asking her would be a gamble. If she is autistic, she would tell you when you asked or say she doesn't know if she was never diagnosed. If she is NOT austistic, she will be extremely offended. Don't take that chance! Do NOT ask.

Simply work up the courage, and ask her if she would like to go out some time. If and when she says yes (and I believe she will) set up a date and time. I have been on A LOT of dates through the years, and have sort of figured out which types of dates are most successful. After she says yes, if you need advice on what to do on your date, I can tell you some dates that worked for me. And don't worry about saying the wrong thing. Just ask if she would like to go out some time. It leaves it open, and avoids the awkwardness of actually saying "I like you."

 

[Dorkasour]

I wouldn't do the shirt. That sounds hilarious but as she is working in a shop it could just be nice customer service. I would just ask her if she'd like to go out sometime!