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Featured How do I go about my breakup with my aspie girlfriend? I regret our decision.

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Artchaser, Sep 28, 2020.

  1. Artchaser

    Artchaser MakeItStop

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    A little backstory on my ex.

    Before me she had been in two relationships. One guy had severe ADHD and one of them manipulated her sexually and mentally in her own words. I was her third boyfriend and she got diagnosed the year we met. She told me several times she had never felt so safe and understood then when she was with me. We had the same energy level compared to the ADHD guy. And I wasn't as needy and clingy as the manipulative guy. We both fit like a hand in a glove.

    A little backstory on our relationship.

    We dated for 1.5 years. Our needs are almost exactly the same. We both don't really crave eachothers company for more than a few days and then we go back to our ''normal'' life. When we were together we both liked doing our own thing while watching netflix shows. She would also knit while I was playing video games. We both don't really like to talk and prefer being alone. Both introverted. Everything was going really well.

    Now here's the issue. We broke up because she thought the only thing I wanted in the relationship was sex. She said she felt pressured to sleep with me in the end. It was great in the begining, but I understand that sex fades over the course of a relationship. I'm not sure why she felt this way, I never got to explain to her before we broke up that it is not the only reason we are together and that I enjoy so much more than sex. And now I fear I've lost my chance. I tried typing to her a week after the breakup explaining. She wanted to meet and talk at first but then she changed her mind a few days later and said we both had different needs and we both have to move on and do what's best for us both. I don't want to push her any further but I feel like we could talk it out since I know she loved me and I never got to explain to her that It's not the end of the world for me if we don't have sex all the time. The breakup was mutual at first but now it feels like she's the one who broke up with me, even though she loved me more than anything and we really had no issues whatsoever except she felt pressured by the sex. I'm thinking it has something to do with her past abusive boyfriend.

    anyways... what do I do? Do I type her again? Do I wait? I feel like she made the wrong decision based on her past relationships and missunderstandings in our relationship but I'm afraid if I type to her and try to explain I'll push her away even more. Plus I'm probably already out of her daily routine and she has probably forgotten about our relationship altogether. Do I wait a few more weeks or months?


    Thanks.
     
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  2. menander

    menander Well-Known Member

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    Usually in these circumstances where someone is clear and says they are not interested, I say they were very clear and they are not interested. In this case, though, it does seem you need closure.

    If she has autism, she will understand. I would just type her a non-pushy note and say you really, really miss her and did love her. Ask her point-blank: Is there any hope that we could ever get back together. I need closure and will move on, but I do miss you and want to make sure I am not giving up too soon.

    Make it clear YOU will move on so she can't come around after some bad relationship. That you will NOT be her fallback guy, but if she wants one more shot, you are willing.

    THEN---if she says NO, then you absolutely must move on.

    Let us know how it goes. You sound like a really nice person who really loved her and was not just for sex. So best to ya!!

    PS- FYI sex does not fade. Ask people in their 80s who have been in love for 50 years. :)
     
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  3. Artchaser

    Artchaser MakeItStop

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    I wrote her how I felt and got shot down :(

    She told me she felt sure about her decision and that we were too different in the end. Oh well.. atleast I know and can move on.
     
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  4. menander

    menander Well-Known Member

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    Ohhhh----that is sad for you right now, but you will find someone who WILL love you. Don't be discouraged.
     
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  5. Magna

    Magna Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Good luck in your future relationships. Menander gave you good advice and now you can move on even if it's painful at the moment.
     
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  6. Bolletje

    Bolletje Overly complicated potato V.I.P Member

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    I'm sorry you're going through a breakup, that always sucks. But I'd leave her alone for now. If she wants to reopen the lines of communication over time, she'll let you know. But for now, attempting to contact her again while she has clearly stated she has no desire for contact at the moment will only decrease the chances of ever talking to her again. So let it go, for your own sanity.
     
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  7. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You did and are doing the right thing. I know it's heartbreaking and sorry you're having to deal with that. But you'll feel better before long and move on. Don't let it interfere with your future relationships.
     
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  8. Artchaser

    Artchaser MakeItStop

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    I took menanders advice and wrote to her a second time exactly how I felt just to get closure. Do you think It was a bad idea? I already wrote her a week before but I wanted to explain exactly what I felt and get a closure.
     
  9. onlything

    onlything Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It wasn't - you simply got both a clarification and a closure. Now you're sure that you can only grieve and then move on instead of wondering 'what if'. However, writing to her again or keeping on hoping afterwards would indeed be a bad idea. You know what's going on. Now, you can only move on, for your own sake. From her side, this issue is closed.
     
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  10. Artchaser

    Artchaser MakeItStop

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    This is all just so weird. Weeks earlier she told me she loved me more than anything and that she liked that we were different because it felt like it was real love. Then she breaks up with me a few weeks later because we are too different.. I just don’t get it.. but I guess I have to move on
     
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  11. onlything

    onlything Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It does sound weird. Frankly, the only person that could fully understand her motivation is she herself. Maybe she got overwhelmed, maybe it was too much, maybe she realised you are, indeed, too different or maybe she was looking for an excuse - only she could now. I'm sorry for your loss... Try not to think about it too much. There is still much in life before you. For now, give yourself time to feel hurt and sad - nothing wrong in it - and, when you feel ready, move on.
     
  12. Stardust Parade

    Stardust Parade Well-Known Member

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    Tell her, not US.
     
  13. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    In relationships, what people say has to be taken with a grain of salt the size of a watermellon. It is often casual without real meaning or feelings-protecting mumbo jumbo. It is their actions that tell the real story.
     
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  14. Artchaser

    Artchaser MakeItStop

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    Hey again, just wanted to ask if I should wish her happy birthday, it’s coming up and not sure if I should do It or leave her alone.
     
  15. Bolletje

    Bolletje Overly complicated potato V.I.P Member

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    I think you should leave her alone for now.
     
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  16. Kit

    Kit Well-Known Member

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    Can't you just send her a email or a message somewhere online or even text her and explain?

    If you don't hear back, move on. I really don't know why you want to say this in person when you can just explain it in text. We have that technology now.
     
  17. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It's okay to write something for closure. You can leave the door open and you can say no additional contact means you won't ask. No playing the blame game. You can blame yourself if you wish.
    You were with her 1.5 years, so that is significant. Since you already wrote something for closure, you stop even if you missed something before.

    Also, it sounds like you didn't lose your chance. Maybe she saw a quirk she didn't or no longer liked and/or she could've let her past haunt her. So, instead of saying something she may or may not be sure of, she just used the sex thing as an excuse for why she really broke up.

    I hope you find something else that works out better. It's hard. I know the feeling and am still searching myself.