How do Aspies celebrate Valentine's Day?

[daisychain]

I've been dating this lovely smart kind funny man (who I am pretty sure has Aspie qualities) since July. We spent Thanksgiving together, and a low key New Year's Eve together (had dinner locally, stayed in and watched TV). Valentine's Day is coming up, and I'm not expecting a big fancy dinner out (honestly, to me it's the WORST night to go out to a restaurant -- you get overcharged, it's crowded, and not special).

He just informed me about something going on on 02/14 -- a law school professor has an annual get together (100 people) and this time it's on 02/14.

I asked him: isn't there something else happening on 02/14?

He responded: could be

We talked; he told me he was going to this thing; I said "have fun" (somewhat sarcastically which I think was lost on him) and then he said I could join him.

It's a 2 hour drive each way. In a crappy city. I asked him if we'd stay overnight; he said he usually drives back the same night.

No mention of Valentine's Day; no talk of "in the morning we'll go someplace nice for brunch." No offer to celebrate together the day before.

I think I'll pass on the trip. I like to meet new people, but I can see myself inwardly crying, drinking too much and creating a big scene. Or fighting on the long way home.

Question is: if you are Aspie, and you're in a relationship, how do you view Valentine's Day? As one of those forced Hallmark holidays that tell you what to do (buy flowers and chocolate) but have nothing to do with your real expression of caring about someone? Part of me feels that way too.

But wouldn't you do something???

 

[King_Oni]

I'm a minimalist as I don't celebrate any holidays or aniversaries. Though I'm probably not the "average" as an aspie, since plenty will probably do at least something at such calendardates.

To me it's like any other day and making it a special day because "everyone" does it, feels forced. If I want to give my partner a gift or treat, I can do it at any day of the year. Besides; with all the treats during valentines day... those prices are crazy. I'd probably celebrate something february 15 or 16, if I would be inclined, just because plenty of stuff would be 50% off, lol. That's the practical side of me. The notion that I need to treat my partner during a specific day and those treats come at inflated prices seems ludicrous to me.

So... yeah, that's my view on valentines day.

 

[Kirsty]

Good question. I never do anything because I'm single LOL. But if I wasn't, I'd probably go out for a candle lit dinner and hold hands delicately over the table with my partner.

 

[The Penguin]

Well alone since I haven't been with anyone for years. I never been in a relationship during Valentines period.

 

[clg114]

Valentines day doesn't mean much to me, but it does to my NT wife. So I always get her flowers, candy and a nice card. If she's dieting at the time, I'll skip the candy. Sometimes we will go out to dinner. It depends on whether she wants to go or not.

 

[Tom]

I think its ok to skip the event as being too stressful, but also ok if he goes if its something important to him and the date was out of his control. wait and see what happens on the val-day thing. he might make some recognition of it. is he forgetful kind ? theoretically he should mark it in some fashion, a gift or rain check outing. asd folks are often not day recognizers (true of me) but there are some things one must do in spite of inclination, and doing something special for your partner on certain days is one of them. typing with one hand... sorry no caps...

 

[DogwoodTree]

We don't do anything for Valentine's. I lost interest in it years and years ago. At first my DH didn't believe me that he didn't have to do anything for me, but it eventually sunk in. I think he was relieved, so long as we're connecting well otherwise, which we do. We try to make special times together all year long...no need for a holiday to do that. I guess I kind of resent the holiday "trap", where it seems like one is obligated to try to meet a certain standard in expressing one's feelings for the other on that day, like a test or something. It's so much more organic and natural to ignore the "official" holiday and celebrate our relationship whenever we want.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm NT and I have an Aspie friend I met here whose bday is somewhere near the end of the year - he's a scorpio. He still won't tell me when his bday is exactly, but I sent him some funny bday texts around the time of when I thought his bday was and it didn't sound like he was too excited about it at all. There's a thread here somewhere about how Aspies really don't like celebrating their bdays and I've read how some don't celebrate Christmas so I gather the same goes for Valentines Day. Pretty much how King Oni put it - they don't like traditions cause it seems fake.

I wouldn't beat around the bush, just come out and ask him if he likes doing something special on Valentines Day. I'm actually surprised that he'd want to go to a party in the first place if he's an Aspie - sounds a little strange. If I had a "hunny" I'd like to do something special (even if its a nice candle lit dinner at home with slow dancing and a chick flick, ok, we could also watch a guy movie like "Fast and Furious" too so any guys reading this don't boo ). If it is a party he wants to go to, I would still go so you'll be with your sweetie. That's what counts, right?

Oh, it just came to me about how I've also read in Aspie books that you might have to tell them to get you certain specific things on special days - like a card or chocolates. Evidently they must not make note of these days as special I guess. I don't celebrate my bday much anymore, but if I had a Hunny and was married, I would for sure want to celebrate our anniversary and Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years (at midnight with a smooch).

 

[Grumpy Cat]

.. those prices are crazy. I'd probably celebrate something february 15 or 16,

You do have a point- I think the chocolates go half price the day after so that means my Hunny could get me double the chocolate! Sweet!

 

[daisychain]

Thanks everyone. This is all very helpful. Really good point about seeing traditions as fake, King Oni. I remember he didn't seem to want me to do anything for his birthday.

I think he really wants to go to this thing. And I kind of really don't. I just know myself -- while I agree Valentine's day gets thought of as a "test" for your relationship, which I don't agree with, I am also going to be bummed I spent 4 hours in the car on Valentine's Day to be with 100 people I've never met.

I'll be seeing him this weekend. He said we can talk about it (plans for that day). I think I'd rather plan something else the weekend before or after if I want to get my Valentine fix.

Thanks again

 

[Judge]

I don't. Probably because my occasional urge for chocolate isn't dependent upon social conventions like holidays.

 

[TragicKingdom]

Honestly, I do not recognize most American holidays nor do I recognize birthdays for myself or others.

In regards to holidays, I do have sentimental feelings for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas; I enjoy some of the things related to these holidays from a distance, usually.

In regards to Valentine's day, it is my favorite holiday even if I am single (As I am now): I like the associated combination of colors involved (Pink, red, white) and the sentiment, BUT, I do not feel as if I must celebrate this on one particular day as dictated by my society; If I am in a relationship and in love, everyday is Valentine's day for me.

A short story about Valentine's day from my life (This occurred approximately 15 years ago): I met this young lady who was 9 years younger than me (I was 27). She had a boyfriend, but I still fell in love with her. We became friends for a few months and on Valentine's day of that year I asked her if her boyfriend had given her anything for Valentine's day; She said "No". That made me feel very sad for her. That night I went home and made her a home-made Valentine's day card and sent it to her in the mail to her house.

A day or two went by and I saw her again at the coffee house we would both frequent. We were sitting at a large table drinking beer with a group of mutual friends. She was sitting directly across from me. She rubbed my leg under the table with her leg, leaned in towards me and quietly whispered to me: "I broke up with him". I was shocked in the best of ways! Within a week or less we were an exclusive couple. I was so madly in love with this sweet girl and was so happy I took the chance and sent her the Valentine's card (This is something I would never normally do, make the first move with a woman).

 

[DogwoodTree]

You do have a point- I think the chocolates go half price the day after so that means my Hunny could get me double the chocolate! Sweet!

Just gotta say, my DH is amazing about keeping me stocked with chocolate all year long. He's allergic to it, but he makes sure I have a pile of good stuff to pick at when I'm working (I try not to overdo it, of course).

It seems like, removing the expectation of a particular performance on a particular day helped to open us both up to finding ways to reach out to the other all year long. We have a weekly coffee date, at the minimum, and we're both always looking for ways to encourage the other. He even gets me flowers a couple of times a year "just because"...and "just because" flowers are the absolute best! No demands, no expectations, just a really neat surprise! That's one of the few surprises I actually like...

 

[Ste11aeres]

I've been dating this lovely smart kind funny man (who I am pretty sure has Aspie qualities) since July. We spent Thanksgiving together, and a low key New Year's Eve together (had dinner locally, stayed in and watched TV). Valentine's Day is coming up, and I'm not expecting a big fancy dinner out (honestly, to me it's the WORST night to go out to a restaurant -- you get overcharged, it's crowded, and not special).

He just informed me about something going on on 02/14 -- a law school professor has an annual get together (100 people) and this time it's on 02/14.

I asked him: isn't there something else happening on 02/14?

He responded: could be

We talked; he told me he was going to this thing; I said "have fun" (somewhat sarcastically which I think was lost on him) and then he said I could join him.

It's a 2 hour drive each way. In a crappy city. I asked him if we'd stay overnight; he said he usually drives back the same night.

No mention of Valentine's Day; no talk of "in the morning we'll go someplace nice for brunch." No offer to celebrate together the day before.

I think I'll pass on the trip. I like to meet new people, but I can see myself inwardly crying, drinking too much and creating a big scene. Or fighting on the long way home.

Question is: if you are Aspie, and you're in a relationship, how do you view Valentine's Day? As one of those forced Hallmark holidays that tell you what to do (buy flowers and chocolate) but have nothing to do with your real expression of caring about someone? Part of me feels that way too.

But wouldn't you do something???

If you want him to do something for valentines day, please explicitly ask him to do so, and tell him exactly what it is you would like him to do.
The average Aspie guy will be happy to do something on Valentines day for the woman he cares about IF he knows she wants him to do so, and he very likely will only know she wants him to do so if she has explicitly told him. Stop relying on subtle hints.

(yes, the above is a generalization, but a frequently accurate one).

However, considering he has that thing going on...
If I were you, I would celebrate it the day after. It's the meaning of Valentines day that counts, not the actual date on the calendar.
IMO, not a great idea of that professor's to hold a party or whatever on Valentines day.

 

[zurb]

I barely remember my own birthday, let alone anyone else's. So why should I remember some arbitrary date made up by the marketers?
To me, valentines day fits in with thanksgiving and halloween. Why do we have to celebrate american holidays?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Honestly, I do not recognize most American holidays nor do I recognize birthdays for myself or others.

In regards to holidays, I do have sentimental feelings for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas; I enjoy some of the things related to these holidays from a distance, usually.

In regards to Valentine's day, it is my favorite holiday even if I am single (As I am now): I like the associated combination of colors involved (Pink, red white) and the sentiment, BUT, I do not feel as if I must celebrate this on one particular day as dictated by my society; If I am in a relationship and in love, everyday is Valentine's day for me.

A short story about Valentine's day from my life (This occurred approximately 15 years ago): I met this young lady who was 9 years younger than me (I was 27). She had a boyfriend, but I still fell in love with her. We became friends for a few months and on Valentine's day of that year I asked her if her boyfriend had given her anything for Valentine's day; She said "No". That made me feel very sad for her. That night I went home and made her a home-made Valentine's day card and sent it to her in the mail to her house.

A day or two went by and I saw her again at the coffee house we would both frequent. We were sitting at a large table drinking beer with a group of mutual friends. She was sitting directly across from me. She rubbed my leg under the table with her leg, leaned in towards me and quietly whispered to me: "I broke up with him". I was shocked in the best of ways! Within a week or less we were an exclusive couple. I was so madly in love with this sweet girl and was so happy I took the chance and sent her the Valentine's card (This is something I would never normally do, make the first move with a woman).

OMG! You did it and it worked! I've said several times in my posts how Aspies who have a hard time asking someone out to do it with a letter as that is how I have gotten all of my dates when I asked a guy out. I'm telling all of you that the letter is one of the best ways to get a date! Just try it and see!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Valentines day doesn't mean much to me, but it does to my NT wife. So I always get her flowers, candy and a nice card. If she's dieting at the time, I'll skip the candy. Sometimes we will go out to dinner. It depends on whether she wants to go or not.

Like I've said at least a million times - you're a keeper Mr. Clg114.

Question. Did your wife train you or did you just know to get her those things on VD?

 

[wyverary]

I buy fancy chocolate and give it to my parents, and they do the same for me. That's about it. Not having a significant other makes things so much simpler!

 

[clg114]

Like I've said at least a million times - you're a keeper Mr. Clg114.

Question. Did your wife train you or did you just know to get her those things on VD?

It is really very simple, I treat her like I love her and she does the same for me. After that, our differents seem unimportant.

 

[Lukas]

I'm a minimalist as I don't celebrate any holidays or aniversaries. Though I'm probably not the "average" as an aspie, since plenty will probably do at least something at such calendardates.

To me it's like any other day and making it a special day because "everyone" does it, feels forced. If I want to give my partner a gift or treat, I can do it at any day of the year. Besides; with all the treats during valentines day... those prices are crazy. I'd probably celebrate something february 15 or 16, if I would be inclined, just because plenty of stuff would be 50% off, lol. That's the practical side of me. The notion that I need to treat my partner during a specific day and those treats come at inflated prices seems ludicrous to me.

So... yeah, that's my view on valentines day.

I'm totally here as well...