How can I properly distance myself from a friend I work with?

[Utini]

I see her for 8 hours a day 3 days a week and that's enough for me.

She's becoming too clingy, it's making me anxious. She has also started saying "I love you" to me and it makes me uncomfortable and I don't say it back. It's getting to the point where she wants to hang out and I really don't like having anybody over at my apartment. I have mildly voiced this to her but it doesn't register completely. I wish we didn't get along so well at work.

She is also starting to annoy me, trying to show me all of these youtube videos that I have already seen, showing me games I have already played and disliked. I get irritated and it's starting to get hard to hide it. She said to me yesterday "We should have a game day and spend the whole day together!" That line has been echoing in my head ever since and I am getting so anxious thinking about it.

Problem is she thinks I am a special person and she can only really be herself around me and only I can understand her. I have had this before, it's nothing special and I wish she could find somebody else. How do I escape this without hurting her terribly or make work awkward?

 

[Crossbreed]

Is she a nurse-type, too? If she is, you could tell her that you are autistic and that this resent increase in attention is making you uncomfortable.

 

[Lady Penelope]

I'd recommend you write down the ideal relationship you want with this co-worker. Set your boundaries and if you don't feel you can be direct with her about them, perhaps you could try to enforce your boundaries without being openly hostile.
Honesty is usually the best policy but diplomacy and tact cannot be overlooked, especially when dealing with someone you care about and also work with.
It actually sounds like she might be on the spectrum. Have you spoken to her about ASD?

 

[Utini]

I'd recommend you write down the ideal relationship you want with this co-worker. Set your boundaries and if you don't feel you can be direct with her about them, perhaps you could try to enforce your boundaries without being openly hostile.
Honesty is usually the best policy but diplomacy and tact cannot be overlooked, especially when dealing with someone you care about and also work with.
It actually sounds like she might be on the spectrum. Have you spoken to her about ASD?

She knows that I have ASD and knows a bit about it. I really don't think she is on the spectrum at all, just has had a tough life. She likes to talk to people and does a lot of small talk with strangers.

I feel she would understand but be hurt by it at the same time. She knows that I don't have people over but she has brought it up numerous times that she wants to. She often texts me as well. I feel bad to not reply.

 

[Utini]

She seems to think that I don't have it as bad as others because I have learned to hide it in a way.

 

[Lady Penelope]

She knows that I have ASD and knows a bit about it. I really don't think she is on the spectrum at all, just has had a tough life. She likes to talk to people and does a lot of small talk with strangers.

I feel she would understand but be hurt by it at the same time. She knows that I don't have people over but she has brought it up numerous times that she wants to. She often texts me as well. I feel bad to not reply.

The compulsion to reply stems from feeling insecure. It is very common for ASD. We are so practised at trying to fit in we lose our sense of self and have loose or no boundaries. You are under no obligation to respond to anyone's text. If and when you respond is entirely your decision. Some may say you are rude. They do not know your situation therefore their opinion is invalid. We have a tendency to take everyone's opinion over our own and it is often detrimental to our health. I think the hardest part of being ASD is setting personal boundaries and acknowledging that what we want and feel is as important as everyone else. You know what I've observed? NTs only do what they feel comfortable with and have no internal struggle voicing their concerns or objecting to something. ASD have been conditioned to think first feel second. We have been conditioned to question our feelings. We have been conditioned to put ourselves second... or last. We feel like we don't belong so we try to assimilate but instead of being ourselves we try to fly under the radar and not draw attention to ourselves. Fitting in does not mean fading away. Fitting in means finding our people where we can be free to be our true selves. We seem to think being non confrontational or keeping our controversial opinions quiet makes us fit in. It doesn't. It just makes us invisible. We are all worthy of being heard. We matter. What you want matters. Doing what brings you joy matters. Telling someone they make you feel uncomfortable is their issue not yours.

 

[Nervous Rex]

The compulsion to reply stems from feeling insecure. It is very common for ASD. We are so practised at trying to fit in we lose our sense of self and have loose or no boundaries.

That (and everything else you wrote) is deeply insightful.

 

[Bella Pines]

Bad advice alert... I use avoidance.

I've been through this so many times and tried so many things. Unfortunately the one thing that doesn't seem to work is honesty. I once explained to a needy friend that it was just too much for me and I didn't want to spend time with her. I was nice, polite, honest. She then went off on one and made it her personal mission to turn everyone against me, turning an unwanted friendship into outright group bullying.

I've successfully dropped friends by allowing them to drift away. I start by making plausible excuses as to why I can't attend a gathering, then I just don't reply, then when they hunt me down I go back to plausible excuses and often fake illness. Eventually they stop trying.

I have an issue at the moment where a friend that I need to drop has moved her daughter to my son's school. Her daughter is sporty and popular whilst my son is reserved. I'm pretty sure that if it goes wrong he will get bullied. So I'm going to stagger our meetings, make them farther apart, then continue making polite excuses. And when it comes to the inevitable confrontation "don't you like me anymore!" I'll be apologetic and make up some gross contagious illness. Rabies anyone?

 

[Lady Penelope]

That (and everything else you wrote) is deeply insightful.

Thank you for saying that.

 

[Homebrand]

Well the fact you say that you have "mildly" addressed this, probably hasn't been direct enough.
I think the best way to deal with problems between people is open and honest communication. You may need to be really direct and even try to specify some of the things(but not every single pet peeve) that are bothering you, while still treating her with respect.

Maybe say something like. I do really enjoy working with you but tbh I'm kinda feeling a bit overwhelmed with having so much contact every day. I'm just someone who really needs space at times and I need to make sure I able to have enough alone time each week so I don't start to get snappy at other.
I don't at all want to sound rude it just some thing in particular are annoying me and I want to be open with you because otherwise If I don't say anything I might just lose my s*** suddenly and I don't want to do that to you. Thing like......
Ect. ect.

 

[Babez]

I have been experiencing a similar reaction to someone at work that I no longer wish to have as a friend. I have been open in letting him know that I need space and enjoy my "self" time alone, reading or watching a movie but every time I explain this to him he says "yes, I understand" and continues to ask for more time with me. Why doesn't he just "get it" that I like him but on my terms?