How can I get my Aspergers son to get a job? Wits end.

[Frank Manno]

This is driving both me and my wife insane..

Firstly hi everyone.. I was hoping that someone here can offer me some help and I'm sorry for the long post..

I have 3 kids.. 16yo 25yo and 28yo.

The 25yo male has what I believe to be Aspergers syndrome. Its hard to get him properly diagnosed because he doesn't want to but that's really not the issue.. I'm pretty sure he has Aspergers.. All the signs are there and I've known him all his life.

Basically he is impossible to live with. So he had to (and was happy to) move out and start paying rent. But the problem is that he doesn't pay his own rent.. His mum pays it for him and she is not in a good way right now emotionally.. All she does is work. His mum has done everything for him since the day he was born.. I think she sensed that he was 'different' and basically did it all for him and now 25 years later, looking after him has taken it's toll on her.

Getting back to our son, he receives unemployment benefit, smoke dope all day, messes around with his car, creates music remixes on his laptop and spends hours on the net researching healthy foods to eat. He has a major interest in Nutrition. Nutrician is his specialty Aspies skill.

In regards to his dole payments, he spends all his dole money on himself and refuses to help out with the rent. Lately he has seen how stressed his mother is because of her having to pay the rent for him so he is now suggesting that he wants to move back in with us to 'help his mum'..

Rather than figure out that he should pay his own rent with his own dole money, his way of fixing this problem is to move back in with us where everything continues to be free of charge and his mum doesn't have to pay rent anymore..

I don't want him to move back in because firstly he is impossible to live with and secondly I don't want to provide free accommodation to someone who clearly refuses to work.

He gets $300 a week from the dole and the rent is $270. His mum pays for ALL his food, clothes.. She pays for everything and works very hard. (I pay all the household bills for the rest of the family)

So the $300 a week he gets is for him to just blow on whatever he feels like spending it on that week.. New wheels for his car, more dope to smoke, spray cans cause he wants to change the colour of his car etc.. just wasting his money.

Now as I said, he wants to move back in.. I need help because I don't know what to do! Do I force him to not move back in and this way he will have no choice but to look for a job? Or at least to pay his OWN rent with his own money while his mum continues to pay for all his other expenses?

We are all happy to pay his other expenses (food, clothes, phone) if we can just get him to pay his own rent..

I don't have a problem making cruel to be kind decisions but I want to make sure that I am doing the right thing..

Also - I think he has ruined his brain by all this smoking he has been doing the last few years and in all honesty I can't see any employer ever giving him work. I have to be realistic here in saying that he has become a bum as well. .. He is compassionate and is not at all violent but does have a temper at times. I feel he will end up being a burden on his siblings in the end because we can't continue to look after him and he has learnt no life skills..

So what should I do? Let him move back in and look after him until I'm old and grey and then his siblings will take over? Or force him to stay away and pay his own rent?

If he has an 'illness' that prevents him from working then as a parent shouldn't I at least provide a home for him? Here is where I'm confused.

Thanks everyone for reading this far


-Frankie

 

[Ylva]

Tell HIM that. (Your son, not the rock band.)

If he refuses to get evaluated then why call him disabled?

 

[Frank Manno]

Tell HIM that. (Your son, not the rock band.)

If he refuses to get evaluated then why call him disabled?

Hi Yiva,

I call him disabled because Ive been reading about Aspergers for years and although I'm no professional I really believe that this is what he has. He has all the traits of someone with Aspergers. I won't go into them because I'm sure everyone here knows all that..

Are you suggesting that I treat him as a person without Aspergers until when/if he gets properly diagnosed? How will a formal diagnosis change anything though?


-Frank

 

[Judge]

Are you suggesting that I treat him as a person without Aspergers until when/if he gets properly diagnosed? How will a formal diagnosis change anything though?

-Frank

You seem to be assuming a great deal relative to ASD. If I were a parent under such circumstances, I'd want to be certain so that whatever decisions are made are done so to truly help your son rather than simply enable him.

I agree with Ylva. Get a formal diagnosis to be sure as to the next course of action.

Personally what I think is critical here is what your son thinks about himself. You'll find virtually all of us here have taken a voyage of self-discovery to earnestly determine our own neurological status. Self-awareness is the most powerful tool we have to improving our lives. A step that cannot be taken unless we individually face our own reality.

 

[Ereth]

Are you suggesting that I treat him as a person without Aspergers until when/if he gets properly diagnosed? How will a formal diagnosis change anything though?

Self-diagnosis is comforting for some, but the reality is that it does nothing practical. In order for your son to be granted access to resources meant to assist people with autism, he will need a professional confirmation of his ASD.

One more thing: if you want to help your son stop smoking dope (do you mean marijuana or something far more dangerous?), stop enabling him by funding his addiction!

You might find some help for your son's employment situation here (if you live in the U.S.):

Welcome | Asperger EmploymentAsperger Employment | promoting employment for adults with Asperger Syndrome and high functioning autism

 

[Frank Manno]

Ok makes sense.. , I'll try again to get him a proper diagnosis..

Do you think that with this diagnosis that I will get my questions answered? Questions being: Should he be responsible for paying his own rent and getting a job?
He GETS $300 a week from the Govnt. It's just almost impossible to get it from him to use to pay his rent.

I'm not sure what he thinks about himself right now. Probably doesn't think much of himself I'd say. I spoke to him about getting a diagnosis once before and that their may be some underlying cause for the way he is but he doesn't seem to care. He does understand that he is a bit 'odd' but really doesn't care at all. I think self-help is the last thing on his mind..

So long as he gets what he wants, does what he wants when he wants it, he is as happy as can be. I don't want to paint a bad picture here about my own son but other than having what I believe to be a social disability, he is also a 'bum' and I'm sorry for putting it that way but it's just how he is.. It's like he has 2 problems not one.

Anyways I'll try harder about getting professional help and see where that leads us..

 

[Frank Manno]

Ereth.. Yeah he smokes Marijuana..

His addiction is being funded by him using his govnt money to fund it himself.. While his mum pays his rent and bills.. Hence my main problem and initial question..

 

[Judge]

Do you think that with this diagnosis that I will get my questions answered? Questions being: Should he be responsible for paying his own rent and getting a job?

He's legally an adult. At some point in his life he'll have to depend on his own resources to stay alive regardless of any ethical considerations. On the other hand if government deems him to legally merit disability, he'll have more money to live on beyond unemployment compensation.

If he really does have ASD, he might also discover that depending on himself rather than others has optimal social benefits and far less stresses otherwise encountered in having to work along side or financially depend on Neurotypicals.

But one can't make such decisions if they are unaware or oblivious of their own neurological status.

 

[xXGrizeldaXx]

I would throw him out, i bet he can get a job working with cars also he's interested in health too. You have to be crule to be kind. He can't be mollycoddled forever, it will teach him to stand on his own two feet.

 

[Ylva]

Can't you force him to pay his own rent? You know, just stop paying it for him? And if he calls and says something like, "I'll pay it next month, just pleeease help me out this ONE time", you'll know he's lying (even if he believes it himself). Maybe it will get him to take things seriously.

Does he stim? Because that's a pretty standard way of dealing with stress or feelings for us, and it will be different from when NTs do it.

 

[Ereth]

Do you think that with this diagnosis that I will get my questions answered? Questions being: Should he be responsible for paying his own rent and getting a job?

These are questions that a diagnosis alone won't answer. If your son is at all open to the idea of counseling (either generally or for employment), I would urge him to consider it.

So long as he gets what he wants, does what he wants when he wants it, he is as happy as can be. I don't want to paint a bad picture here about my own son but other than having what I believe to be a social disability, he is also a 'bum' and I'm sorry for putting it that way but it's just how he is.. It's like he has 2 problems not one..

If he's never been properly taught to fend for himself, then it's no wonder he's like this. I'm not casting blame---just analyzing the situation.

I am almost your son's age and am also unemployed after graduating from college. My parents have been incredibly supportive throughout my life, and it's to their credit that they continue to let me stay with them while I look for a paying job.

But I know that if I spent my money on drugs and didn't put any effort into thinking about my future, my mother and father would probably kick me out.

 

[rollerskate]

Honestly, from what I've read, ASD is the LEAST of your issues here.

Different or no, he's gotten downright spoiled. And if you want to resolve it without just leaving him on his own out of the blue, it's going to take some iron clad boundaries and tough love.

I don't know your entire situation, but this is what I would do based on what I know. I'd let him move back home. Heck, I would welcome it, because it's less financial burden AND an opportunity to set him straight. But before he stepped foot in the house, we would go over some rules. Curfew, room & board, no drugs, he has to look for a job or go to school, etc. I would make it loud and clear that if at any point he feels he is unable to commit to these rules, he can let me know and we will go about getting an evaluation for him and get him set up with counseling and whatever else he needs. BUT the rules absolutely WILL NOT CHANGE. Failure to comply results in - yup - eviction. And I would do a real eviction, not just "get out of my house"... as well as providing real receipts for his payments on room & board, a real "lease" agreement with the rules and consequences clearly outlined, etc. This would not only buy him time to rethink in the case of an eviction, but show him I'm downright serious. Basically, I would make the experience as realistic as possible to being on one's own while maintaining the support he would NOT have while out on his own. And I don't mean support in terms of money or even leniency as much as I mean it in terms of advice and encouragement.

I think the greatest injustice done to any Aspie is being babied over their handicaps rather than being encouraged and even expected to overcome them. I don't mean to make them go away, but to learn how to adapt despite them rather than allowing them to overtake their lives.

I know people that know my son is aspie think I'm excessively hard on him at times, but as an aspie AND his mom I know EXACTLY what he is capable of, and I want to make absolutely sure that HE learns it, too, and doesn't try to use it as an excuse to keep from putting in the work it will take for him to excel in life.

 

[2aspirin]

Ok makes sense.. , I'll try again to get him a proper diagnosis..

Do you think that with this diagnosis that I will get my questions answered? Questions being: Should he be responsible for paying his own rent and getting a job?
He GETS $300 a week from the Govnt. It's just almost impossible to get it from him to use to pay his rent.

I'm not sure what he thinks about himself right now. Probably doesn't think much of himself I'd say. I spoke to him about getting a diagnosis once before and that their may be some underlying cause for the way he is but he doesn't seem to care. He does understand that he is a bit 'odd' but really doesn't care at all. I think self-help is the last thing on his mind..

So long as he gets what he wants, does what he wants when he wants it, he is as happy as can be. I don't want to paint a bad picture here about my own son but other than having what I believe to be a social disability, he is also a 'bum' and I'm sorry for putting it that way but it's just how he is.. It's like he has 2 problems not one.

Anyways I'll try harder about getting professional help and see where that leads us..

Regarding dealing with anyone who is addictively using substances or "self-medicating," I highly recommend al-anon. They are free and are international. They can help you and your wife get your bearings and figure out what boundaries to draw so you are not enabling. The philosophy of it is to take care of yourselves first. People address their own emotional well-being and spiritual health there. Your wife especially sounds like she really needs al-anon. Some people have an aversion to the 12 step program idea and of a spirituality aspect, but the 12 traditions of these programs that go along with the 12 steps are intended to keep it a fellowship and not get too organized, to prevent cult-like behavior (humans being humans) and allow people to take what they need and leave the rest.

Do you live in a populated area that might have al-anon meetings? They are often held at hospitals, clinics, churches etc.

As someone who is ASD, I will say, as an aside, that I learned a huge amount about how others (NTs) think from al-anon. I also learned to cope much better with my autism, sensory issues, dystonia and dealing with people, from the 12 step work. I also still see an autism specialist too. I believe he should be properly assessed. Whether he agrees to or not, al-anon can be a resource.

 

[Gomendosi]

Honestly, from what I've read, ASD is the LEAST of your issues here.

Different or no, he's gotten downright spoiled. And if you want to resolve it without just leaving him on his own out of the blue, it's going to take some iron clad boundaries and tough love.

I don't know your entire situation, but this is what I would do based on what I know. I'd let him move back home. Heck, I would welcome it, because it's less financial burden AND an opportunity to set him straight. But before he stepped foot in the house, we would go over some rules. Curfew, room & board, no drugs, he has to look for a job or go to school, etc. I would make it loud and clear that if at any point he feels he is unable to commit to these rules, he can let me know and we will go about getting an evaluation for him and get him set up with counseling and whatever else he needs. BUT the rules absolutely WILL NOT CHANGE. Failure to comply results in - yup - eviction. And I would do a real eviction, not just "get out of my house"... as well as providing real receipts for his payments on room & board, a real "lease" agreement with the rules and consequences clearly outlined, etc. This would not only buy him time to rethink in the case of an eviction, but show him I'm downright serious. Basically, I would make the experience as realistic as possible to being on one's own while maintaining the support he would NOT have while out on his own. And I don't mean support in terms of money or even leniency as much as I mean it in terms of advice and encouragement.

I think the greatest injustice done to any Aspie is being babied over their handicaps rather than being encouraged and even expected to overcome them. I don't mean to make them go away, but to learn how to adapt despite them rather than allowing them to overtake their lives.

I know people that know my son is aspie think I'm excessively hard on him at times, but as an aspie AND his mom I know EXACTLY what he is capable of, and I want to make absolutely sure that HE learns it, too, and doesn't try to use it as an excuse to keep from putting in the work it will take for him to excel in life.

This advice is golden, I had a home life much like what is suggested and it prepared me for real life, the fact is that your child is remaining a child and making childish decisions while he is being treated like one. If you continue to do everything for him, you are robbing him of the ability to make sensible choices which are the hardest ones to make.
I can only wish you the best from here on in as any decisions will be the harder due to the influence of drugs. Good luck ; ]

 

[grapesicles]

Honestly, from what I've read, ASD is the LEAST of your issues here.

Different or no, he's gotten downright spoiled. And if you want to resolve it without just leaving him on his own out of the blue, it's going to take some iron clad boundaries and tough love.

I don't know your entire situation, but this is what I would do based on what I know. I'd let him move back home. Heck, I would welcome it, because it's less financial burden AND an opportunity to set him straight. But before he stepped foot in the house, we would go over some rules. Curfew, room & board, no drugs, he has to look for a job or go to school, etc. I would make it loud and clear that if at any point he feels he is unable to commit to these rules, he can let me know and we will go about getting an evaluation for him and get him set up with counseling and whatever else he needs. BUT the rules absolutely WILL NOT CHANGE. Failure to comply results in - yup - eviction. And I would do a real eviction, not just "get out of my house"... as well as providing real receipts for his payments on room & board, a real "lease" agreement with the rules and consequences clearly outlined, etc. This would not only buy him time to rethink in the case of an eviction, but show him I'm downright serious. Basically, I would make the experience as realistic as possible to being on one's own while maintaining the support he would NOT have while out on his own. And I don't mean support in terms of money or even leniency as much as I mean it in terms of advice and encouragement.

I think the greatest injustice done to any Aspie is being babied over their handicaps rather than being encouraged and even expected to overcome them. I don't mean to make them go away, but to learn how to adapt despite them rather than allowing them to overtake their lives.

I know people that know my son is aspie think I'm excessively hard on him at times, but as an aspie AND his mom I know EXACTLY what he is capable of, and I want to make absolutely sure that HE learns it, too, and doesn't try to use it as an excuse to keep from putting in the work it will take for him to excel in life.

Great advice here. I also think that some absolute, clear & written rules would help to give him some structure. As someone who is officially diagnosed with AS and is also unemployed after graduating, any kind of structure really helps in knowing what is expected of you.

 

[Randomperson]

Nothing about aspergers prevents you from finding a job you can do. Some things are more difficult, others are easier.

In my humble opinion Frank, you son is a spoiled brat. You and your wife were the polar opposite of my abusive and unloving harsh parents that beat me regularly, I could not wait to escape them. Both examples lead to a damaged child. In your sons case, he does not understand how money actually works, or adult responsibility. He is a 25 year old child.

You have several options: You and your wife can actually have the money talk with him, about how it needs to be earned, and then spent responsibly.

You can just cut him off, at which point its sink or swim, but if he really needs that money talk he might financially drown.

If his dope smoking is not legal, you can turn him in and let the local authority educate him on responsibility.

You can also start with the first example and escalate it as needed to get him on the right path.

 

[Frank Manno]

Interesting responses from you all.. Very helpful so far thank you..

I think someone asked if he stims.. when he gets very angry he starts to bang his head against the wall severely.. Thats about all I can think of that he does..

I'd like to see him at least TRY to get a job but he is so socially 'unwell' that I don't like his chances.. I really don't know who would hire him.. As I said in my previous post, I think that his marijuana smoking since his mid teens has affected his brain because he really is weird.

The other night he came over for a few things as he does. When he needs anything like food/beverage/etc he comes over and gets what he wants form the Pantry.. (everything is free in his world) anyways so his brother was waiting up for him to finish and I said to his brother 'You can go to bed I'll let Michael out'. Meaning that I will see Michael to the exit and lock the house up'..

So as Michael was hunting through the pantry, under his breath repeated what I said in a condescending way.. He said quietly 'let Michael out' as if mocking me.. An hour later I get an abusive text message from my son 'ur so f***ng rude'.. I'm like WHAT? I didn't even respond..I was actually quite shocked.. That was 4 days ago and he still hasn't spoken/apologised to me.

He obviously interpreted what I said incorrectly.. Thats Aspergers.. But how about the rude response? Whats that all about?

I think I'm going to try a bit of a mix of trying harder to get him diagnosed so that he can at leafs have access to help and in the meantime I might cut him off financially and see where that leads us..

-Frank

 

[JamesBond]

This is driving both me and my wife insane..

Firstly hi everyone.. I was hoping that someone here can offer me some help and I'm sorry for the long post..

I have 3 kids.. 16yo 25yo and 28yo.

The 25yo male has what I believe to be Aspergers syndrome. Its hard to get him properly diagnosed because he doesn't want to but that's really not the issue.. I'm pretty sure he has Aspergers.. All the signs are there and I've known him all his life.

Basically he is impossible to live with. So he had to (and was happy to) move out and start paying rent. But the problem is that he doesn't pay his own rent.. His mum pays it for him and she is not in a good way right now emotionally.. All she does is work. His mum has done everything for him since the day he was born.. I think she sensed that he was 'different' and basically did it all for him and now 25 years later, looking after him has taken it's toll on her.

Getting back to our son, he receives unemployment benefit, smoke dope all day, messes around with his car, creates music remixes on his laptop and spends hours on the net researching healthy foods to eat. He has a major interest in Nutrition. Nutrician is his specialty Aspies skill.

In regards to his dole payments, he spends all his dole money on himself and refuses to help out with the rent. Lately he has seen how stressed his mother is because of her having to pay the rent for him so he is now suggesting that he wants to move back in with us to 'help his mum'..

Rather than figure out that he should pay his own rent with his own dole money, his way of fixing this problem is to move back in with us where everything continues to be free of charge and his mum doesn't have to pay rent anymore..

I don't want him to move back in because firstly he is impossible to live with and secondly I don't want to provide free accommodation to someone who clearly refuses to work.

He gets $300 a week from the dole and the rent is $270. His mum pays for ALL his food, clothes.. She pays for everything and works very hard. (I pay all the household bills for the rest of the family)

So the $300 a week he gets is for him to just blow on whatever he feels like spending it on that week.. New wheels for his car, more dope to smoke, spray cans cause he wants to change the colour of his car etc.. just wasting his money.

Now as I said, he wants to move back in.. I need help because I don't know what to do! Do I force him to not move back in and this way he will have no choice but to look for a job? Or at least to pay his OWN rent with his own money while his mum continues to pay for all his other expenses?

We are all happy to pay his other expenses (food, clothes, phone) if we can just get him to pay his own rent..

I don't have a problem making cruel to be kind decisions but I want to make sure that I am doing the right thing..

Also - I think he has ruined his brain by all this smoking he has been doing the last few years and in all honesty I can't see any employer ever giving him work. I have to be realistic here in saying that he has become a bum as well. .. He is compassionate and is not at all violent but does have a temper at times. I feel he will end up being a burden on his siblings in the end because we can't continue to look after him and he has learnt no life skills..

So what should I do? Let him move back in and look after him until I'm old and grey and then his siblings will take over? Or force him to stay away and pay his own rent?

If he has an 'illness' that prevents him from working then as a parent shouldn't I at least provide a home for him? Here is where I'm confused.

Thanks everyone for reading this far


-Frankie

Tell him if he moves back in he must set up an automated payment to his mother for at least $150 per week board to cover water electricity, use of household etc. that way you get half his mo eh I stead of him wasting it. Then cut off paying for anything other than food.
My son who is turning 25 battled to try and work one day a week casual but with other health complications couldn't cope.. We paid for everything for him to age 23 when he finally got disability support. Mind you he was diagnosed with Aspergers 10 yrs ago. I had hoped things would mprove as he became an adult but that was a dream. He of his own accord set an auto payment to me as board to do with as I wished. Put towards electricity, or whatever I needed. He knew we could no longer support him.

You can't continue supporting your son either as an adult. Your wife will just work herself into a grave and get no thanks.

You wife needs to stop being a push over. I know she would feel responsible for him not fitting into the norm, but she won't always be there to prop him up so she needs to allow him the opportunity tofind out for himself how hard it is to pay his way.

My son doesn't have much of a life, no car, no friends, just his own interests and life will never improve for him so I have been made his Carer!

Good luck

 

[Ereth]

He obviously interpreted what I said incorrectly.. That's Asperger's. But how about the rude response? What's that all about?

It sounds to me like your son just lashed out after getting upset and still isn't over it. That doesn't mean what he said is acceptable, of course, but I can understand the outburst. I've done similar things when angry, unfortunately. I always apologize later, though, because I feel bad about it.

 

[Jambo_nick]

This is driving both me and my wife insane..

Firstly hi everyone.. I was hoping that someone here can offer me some help and I'm sorry for the long post..

I have 3 kids.. 16yo 25yo and 28yo.

The 25yo male has what I believe to be Aspergers syndrome. Its hard to get him properly diagnosed because he doesn't want to but that's really not the issue.. I'm pretty sure he has Aspergers.. All the signs are there and I've known him all his life.

Basically he is impossible to live with. So he had to (and was happy to) move out and start paying rent. But the problem is that he doesn't pay his own rent.. His mum pays it for him and she is not in a good way right now emotionally.. All she does is work. His mum has done everything for him since the day he was born.. I think she sensed that he was 'different' and basically did it all for him and now 25 years later, looking after him has taken it's toll on her.

Getting back to our son, he receives unemployment benefit, smoke dope all day, messes around with his car, creates music remixes on his laptop and spends hours on the net researching healthy foods to eat. He has a major interest in Nutrition. Nutrician is his specialty Aspies skill.

In regards to his dole payments, he spends all his dole money on himself and refuses to help out with the rent. Lately he has seen how stressed his mother is because of her having to pay the rent for him so he is now suggesting that he wants to move back in with us to 'help his mum'..

Rather than figure out that he should pay his own rent with his own dole money, his way of fixing this problem is to move back in with us where everything continues to be free of charge and his mum doesn't have to pay rent anymore..

I don't want him to move back in because firstly he is impossible to live with and secondly I don't want to provide free accommodation to someone who clearly refuses to work.

He gets $300 a week from the dole and the rent is $270. His mum pays for ALL his food, clothes.. She pays for everything and works very hard. (I pay all the household bills for the rest of the family)

So the $300 a week he gets is for him to just blow on whatever he feels like spending it on that week.. New wheels for his car, more dope to smoke, spray cans cause he wants to change the colour of his car etc.. just wasting his money.

Now as I said, he wants to move back in.. I need help because I don't know what to do! Do I force him to not move back in and this way he will have no choice but to look for a job? Or at least to pay his OWN rent with his own money while his mum continues to pay for all his other expenses?

We are all happy to pay his other expenses (food, clothes, phone) if we can just get him to pay his own rent..

I don't have a problem making cruel to be kind decisions but I want to make sure that I am doing the right thing..

Also - I think he has ruined his brain by all this smoking he has been doing the last few years and in all honesty I can't see any employer ever giving him work. I have to be realistic here in saying that he has become a bum as well. .. He is compassionate and is not at all violent but does have a temper at times. I feel he will end up being a burden on his siblings in the end because we can't continue to look after him and he has learnt no life skills..

So what should I do? Let him move back in and look after him until I'm old and grey and then his siblings will take over? Or force him to stay away and pay his own rent?

If he has an 'illness' that prevents him from working then as a parent shouldn't I at least provide a home for him? Here is where I'm confused.

Thanks everyone for reading this far


-Frankie

Hi Frank,

I am aspergers myself and in my late 20s. A lot of what you said here rings with me. When I left school my mum immediately gave me the ultimatum, I either pay her digs for my keep or she would arrange to find me a place of my own (my mum and dad adopted a very strict approach with me). My point here is he doesn't have much responsibility and this is one thing people with aspergers can find scary as responsibility brings pressure of not failing which can result in us avoiding it. The best thing to do is to give him small responsibilities such as teaching him to do his own laundry for example and not giving in when he initially refuses. I'm a firm believer of teaching him the responsibility to help him become independent. I always said to myself that it would be very easy to live with my mum and have her care for me but what would I do when she isn't here anymore? Also, when adopting the hard ass approach there will be times when your aspie child has tantrums and meltdowns which may break your heart. I know I've hurt my mum by what I've said but she persevered and now I have my own place which I look after really well, I keep on top of bills fine and I also work 2 jobs both in customer service! Your son might have Aspergers but he is probably ore than capable of doing things for himself, just needs some self belief. Set him 'challenges' (emphasis on this word) such as ask him to create a CV and if it's done right first time you could reward him as an example or if you are all going out shopping, give him the opportunity of telling you what he thinks the household needs, this way you teach him to think for himself while having you there as a safety net. The bottom line is don't give up as if/when he succeeds, the sense of pride he'll have in himself and the pride you and the family will have in him will be more than worth it. This is also a domino effect as the better he does the more his confidence will grow! One trait I've noticed in myself, may or may not be related to AS is I expect high standards from myself but expect to do it with minimal work then get upset and stressed when it doesn't work out perfectly. My way around this was to grind into myself to do the work required and if the results not perfect but still good I now see this as a positive outcome. I hope this helps you somewhat Frank.

Yours,

Nick.