Frank Manno
Active Member
This is driving both me and my wife insane..
Firstly hi everyone.. I was hoping that someone here can offer me some help and I'm sorry for the long post..
I have 3 kids.. 16yo 25yo and 28yo.
The 25yo male has what I believe to be Aspergers syndrome. Its hard to get him properly diagnosed because he doesn't want to but that's really not the issue.. I'm pretty sure he has Aspergers.. All the signs are there and I've known him all his life.
Basically he is impossible to live with. So he had to (and was happy to) move out and start paying rent. But the problem is that he doesn't pay his own rent.. His mum pays it for him and she is not in a good way right now emotionally.. All she does is work. His mum has done everything for him since the day he was born.. I think she sensed that he was 'different' and basically did it all for him and now 25 years later, looking after him has taken it's toll on her.
Getting back to our son, he receives unemployment benefit, smoke dope all day, messes around with his car, creates music remixes on his laptop and spends hours on the net researching healthy foods to eat. He has a major interest in Nutrition. Nutrician is his specialty Aspies skill.
In regards to his dole payments, he spends all his dole money on himself and refuses to help out with the rent. Lately he has seen how stressed his mother is because of her having to pay the rent for him so he is now suggesting that he wants to move back in with us to 'help his mum'..
Rather than figure out that he should pay his own rent with his own dole money, his way of fixing this problem is to move back in with us where everything continues to be free of charge and his mum doesn't have to pay rent anymore..
I don't want him to move back in because firstly he is impossible to live with and secondly I don't want to provide free accommodation to someone who clearly refuses to work.
He gets $300 a week from the dole and the rent is $270. His mum pays for ALL his food, clothes.. She pays for everything and works very hard. (I pay all the household bills for the rest of the family)
So the $300 a week he gets is for him to just blow on whatever he feels like spending it on that week.. New wheels for his car, more dope to smoke, spray cans cause he wants to change the colour of his car etc.. just wasting his money.
Now as I said, he wants to move back in.. I need help because I don't know what to do! Do I force him to not move back in and this way he will have no choice but to look for a job? Or at least to pay his OWN rent with his own money while his mum continues to pay for all his other expenses?
We are all happy to pay his other expenses (food, clothes, phone) if we can just get him to pay his own rent..
I don't have a problem making cruel to be kind decisions but I want to make sure that I am doing the right thing..
Also - I think he has ruined his brain by all this smoking he has been doing the last few years and in all honesty I can't see any employer ever giving him work. I have to be realistic here in saying that he has become a bum as well. .. He is compassionate and is not at all violent but does have a temper at times. I feel he will end up being a burden on his siblings in the end because we can't continue to look after him and he has learnt no life skills..
So what should I do? Let him move back in and look after him until I'm old and grey and then his siblings will take over? Or force him to stay away and pay his own rent?
If he has an 'illness' that prevents him from working then as a parent shouldn't I at least provide a home for him? Here is where I'm confused.
Thanks everyone for reading this far
-Frankie
Firstly hi everyone.. I was hoping that someone here can offer me some help and I'm sorry for the long post..
I have 3 kids.. 16yo 25yo and 28yo.
The 25yo male has what I believe to be Aspergers syndrome. Its hard to get him properly diagnosed because he doesn't want to but that's really not the issue.. I'm pretty sure he has Aspergers.. All the signs are there and I've known him all his life.
Basically he is impossible to live with. So he had to (and was happy to) move out and start paying rent. But the problem is that he doesn't pay his own rent.. His mum pays it for him and she is not in a good way right now emotionally.. All she does is work. His mum has done everything for him since the day he was born.. I think she sensed that he was 'different' and basically did it all for him and now 25 years later, looking after him has taken it's toll on her.
Getting back to our son, he receives unemployment benefit, smoke dope all day, messes around with his car, creates music remixes on his laptop and spends hours on the net researching healthy foods to eat. He has a major interest in Nutrition. Nutrician is his specialty Aspies skill.
In regards to his dole payments, he spends all his dole money on himself and refuses to help out with the rent. Lately he has seen how stressed his mother is because of her having to pay the rent for him so he is now suggesting that he wants to move back in with us to 'help his mum'..
Rather than figure out that he should pay his own rent with his own dole money, his way of fixing this problem is to move back in with us where everything continues to be free of charge and his mum doesn't have to pay rent anymore..
I don't want him to move back in because firstly he is impossible to live with and secondly I don't want to provide free accommodation to someone who clearly refuses to work.
He gets $300 a week from the dole and the rent is $270. His mum pays for ALL his food, clothes.. She pays for everything and works very hard. (I pay all the household bills for the rest of the family)
So the $300 a week he gets is for him to just blow on whatever he feels like spending it on that week.. New wheels for his car, more dope to smoke, spray cans cause he wants to change the colour of his car etc.. just wasting his money.
Now as I said, he wants to move back in.. I need help because I don't know what to do! Do I force him to not move back in and this way he will have no choice but to look for a job? Or at least to pay his OWN rent with his own money while his mum continues to pay for all his other expenses?
We are all happy to pay his other expenses (food, clothes, phone) if we can just get him to pay his own rent..
I don't have a problem making cruel to be kind decisions but I want to make sure that I am doing the right thing..
Also - I think he has ruined his brain by all this smoking he has been doing the last few years and in all honesty I can't see any employer ever giving him work. I have to be realistic here in saying that he has become a bum as well. .. He is compassionate and is not at all violent but does have a temper at times. I feel he will end up being a burden on his siblings in the end because we can't continue to look after him and he has learnt no life skills..
So what should I do? Let him move back in and look after him until I'm old and grey and then his siblings will take over? Or force him to stay away and pay his own rent?
If he has an 'illness' that prevents him from working then as a parent shouldn't I at least provide a home for him? Here is where I'm confused.
Thanks everyone for reading this far
-Frankie
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