Horrible, severe, life altering problem that never ends

[paloftoon]

It sounds like you aren't very good at navigating how not to be taken advantage of, and don't have a good support network either. Definitely avoid drinking parties at this point- have them only with close friends (when it's more acceptable) or for yourself or go to a bar (if it's allowed and possible) as any situation where you are intoxicated, you will automatically be at least partially at fault because you aren't supposed to have that much but everyone is still held to the same standards of being able to expect to know how to act.

Also, since you're muscular, you'd probably normally be able to physically move these people trying to get at you out of the way. So, it does appear strange from the typical bystander that you were not into it likely. I'm also guessing you're either white or a race that is the majority population in your country, because someone saying something like you are would less likely be believed because of the combination of things that make you, you.

 

[Jumpback]

It's more than just right or left - you see articles published about a mother who lets her son use the bathroom outside the store because the store did not have public restrooms - and asking for your opinions. It's all stupid stuff. Even many of the headlines starts with "Do you think" this person was justified. The world has become a juror of everything anyone does. If I want to drink a big gulp or smoke a cigarette on the side lines away from everyone it's my own business, but I'm risking headlines asking everyone if my actions were right or wrong. So with this kind of attitudes, we are all being judged in everything we do. And the majority is going to stand behind those people they happen to be fighting for at the time no matter what. And right now, LGBT is such a big battle that anything derogatory is going to get shot down. If it was a school teacher or a politician they would believe you. I'm really sorry all this bad stuff happened to you and I'm more sorry that there are so many people out there that won't validate you so you can work through it and get on with life.

It sounds like you aren't very good at navigating how not to be taken advantage of, and don't have a good support network either. Definitely avoid drinking parties at this point- have them only with close friends (when it's more acceptable) or for yourself or go to a bar (if it's allowed and possible) as any situation where you are intoxicated, you will automatically be at least partially at fault because you aren't supposed to have that much but everyone is still held to the same standards of being able to expect to know how to act.

Also, since you're muscular, you'd probably normally be able to physically move these people trying to get at you out of the way. So, it does appear strange from the typical bystander that you were not into it likely. I'm also guessing you're either white or a race that is the majority population in your country, because someone saying something like you are would less likely be believed because of the combination of things that make you, you.

It's kind of like when I was 21, people see this muscular straight white guy talking about black gay couples sexually assaulting and so on and didn't see a victim or someone with real problems. They just maybe saw like someone going on with negative ideas about minorities or something and this needs to be squashed. But I do have serious real problems involving either anxiety/adhd/OCD or high functioning autism and now bad alcoholism. Like somehow I fit the profile of a hatemonger with a story that sounds like homophobic hate, and that's how I was tried, judged and convicted, but this was just not true.

I get what you are saying about drinking around others and so on. I desperately need to just stop drinking all together

 

[Jumpback]

It's kind of like when I was 21, people see this muscular straight white guy talking about black gay couples sexually assaulting and so on and didn't see a victim or someone with real problems. They just maybe saw like someone going on with negative ideas about minorities or something and this needs to be squashed. But I do have serious real problems involving either anxiety/adhd/OCD or high functioning autism and now bad alcoholism. Like somehow I fit the profile of a hatemonger with a story that sounds like homophobic hate, and that's how I was tried, judged and convicted, but this was just not true.

I get what you are saying about drinking around others and so on. I desperately need to just stop drinking all together

I don't really know if I believe half the things I say. I just say them because that's what occurs to me at the time

If anyone is interested in the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator) I test as highly perceiving. Which kind of means that very little I say or believe is closed and not open for discussion or reinterpretation

According to the MBTI model, there are judgers and perceivers. Judgers sort of feel more comfortable making a decision and sticking with it, where perceivers have more trouble getting anything done because they waffle back and forth endlessly, but they are more flexible.

Kind of like Einstein was a perceiver, because he rethought and rethought and rethought things involving experiments in his head until he solved relativity. But if you want a bridge built, do not ask Einstein to design it, because he will endlessly redesign the bridge and never get around to actually building it

 

[Matthias]

It might be that the issue is PTSD but it isn't really from being sexually assaulted, it's from other people finding secret things in this, like I must really be upset because I have repressed homosexuality or that I might hate gays or I might have been cheating with a gay couple or that I might have things wrong with my brain.

Like things I said are just honest, I got harassed a lot and felt special sympathy for oppressed minorities and this gay guy wouldn't stop sexually harassing me and he eventually brought along his boyfriend and they sexually assaulted me after I had been drinking. I am not confused about what happened but other people add in all sorts of things like my repressed homosexuality or hatred of gays and cheating with gay couple and my brain being misformed

All that happened was a sexual assault.

And I still felt sympathy for the criminals because my girlfriends gay friend had serious issues. He talked about being suicidal, he clearly has some drive to convince straight men to have sex with him to feel okay about being gay. He was a basket case and I felt bad for him

But when him and his boyfriend sexually assaulted me this was just a crime, and I no longer cared about his issues and I just wanted a crime to be treated like a criminal act, but it was not. I must be cheating with gay couple or have repressed homophobia or have dangerous right wing hate or being angry might make myself a danger to myself and others and my brain might be misformed or something.

I just do not know how to make what happened to be any different. A gay couple sexually assaulted me and this was a crime, there was no secret anything, that's just all that happened. But other people get hell bent on finding out what the real, actual issue is and this messes up my head and takes away a chance for help with real issues I have

If you're telling people in real life who don't need to know that you were sexually assaulted by a black gay man then many people, especially liberals opposed to prejudice against minorities, are going to think you're racist and homophobic because I think they expect most people would keep what happened to them to themselves and only reveal it when they had a good reason to mention it (such as to the police, a therapist, or someone you want to marry). You can't change how they think so the only way to avoid their reaction is to not tell them what happened.

If you have a problem with the way a therapist or the police react, I'd look for a therapist with experience working with victims of sexual assault.

 

[Jumpback]

If you're telling people in real life who don't need to know that you were sexually assaulted by a black gay man then many people, especially liberals opposed to prejudice against minorities, are going to think you're racist and homophobic because I think they expect most people would keep what happened to them to themselves and only reveal it when they had a good reason to mention it (such as to the police, a therapist, or someone you want to marry). You can't change how they think so the only way to avoid their reaction is to not tell them what happened.

If you have a problem with the way a therapist or the police react, I'd look for a therapist with experience working with victims of sexual assault.

It's not really like I just go around telling random people, I'm not autistic like that. It's more when I was kid I just had little interest in what other kids were doing. I wouldn't talk with other kids at school at all and then I would come home and race marbles or design paper airplanes or go hunting for fossils or ride my bike or something. At family gatherings I would always hang around the dog to avoid people. And I was perfectly happy to do this.

Now something has switched and I talk way too much

Like the issue is more like people don't see that there is something seriously different about me, but there is. I even become like a nervous wreck going to take a shower. I can't organize things without becoming overwhelmed, but I get
very obsessed with looking things up and trying to figure things out, like maybe how first battery powered watches of the 1960s and then the lcd watch revolution of the 1970s drove many Swiss watch makers of business or forced consolidation in the industry


My ex-girlfriend was best man at her gay friends wedding, my sister is something of an advocate for transgenders

It’s kind of like maybe I come across as pretty normal but I am not, then I have these issues that sound unlikely or like homophobic hate, so people don’t get it. If I ever try to get past this or explain to others close to me things always seem to turn in to a hunt for what the real problem is. Like is the real problem that I have repressed homosexuality? Is the real problem that I have dangerous hate? Is the real problem that I have 5 mental disorders? And so on.

Since thing happened in college I have never been able to have a normal talk with a psychologist. Things become an argument and everyone is upset and I walk out pissed off. Like the first question is always going to be “are you gay?” Like who asks women going in for sexual assault by men “are you attracted to men?” My ex-girlfriend pointed out when I refused to see a psychologist that maybe the psychs I have seen are just trying to establish basic things such as whether I am gay or have negative ideas about gays, which was a good point, but I feel like I am not being believed or there is looking for what I have done wrong

 

[Jumpback]

It's more than just right or left - you see articles published about a mother who lets her son use the bathroom outside the store because the store did not have public restrooms - and asking for your opinions. It's all stupid stuff. Even many of the headlines starts with "Do you think" this person was justified. The world has become a juror of everything anyone does. If I want to drink a big gulp or smoke a cigarette on the side lines away from everyone it's my own business, but I'm risking headlines asking everyone if my actions were right or wrong. So with this kind of attitudes, we are all being judged in everything we do. And the majority is going to stand behind those people they happen to be fighting for at the time no matter what. And right now, LGBT is such a big battle that anything derogatory is going to get shot down. If it was a school teacher or a politician they would believe you. I'm really sorry all this bad stuff happened to you and I'm more sorry that there are so many people out there that won't validate you so you can work through it and get on with life.

This that you wrote before is really sticking with me. Kind of in more simple terms, it’s kind of like ‘opinions are like assholes, everyone has got one.’

My actual life experiences involve a minority gay couple sexually assaulting, a Hispanic roommate immigrant who feels like he was made gay by childhood rape, a different immigrant roommate who felt he developed homosexual inclinations in his 20s as a result of developing schizophrenia. Even a partially crippled guy sexually assaulting.

I couldn’t find a way to sound more offensive by just explaining my history if I tried.

I just kind of probably look like a a better than average looking white guy who is well spoken and people seem to like me, but then I mention these things and people’s heads start to spin.

It’s like I have stopped taking showers, I have lost all interest in personal hygeniene, I do not comb my hair at all, I am flirting with being homeless, I have become a bad alcoholic, maybe even all this is some bizarre cry for help to get people to actually believe me and stop with all the secret things I might be up to.

 

[Aspychata]

So what as a forum do you want us to do? At this point do you think you need meds? Have you lost interest in life? Because when you stop with showers and taking care of yourself - this is a cry for help. Or severe depression. You can go to emergency and tell them you need to be admitted for observation. These are thoughts and l am really trying to understand

 

[unperson]

I think you fit in with autistic people, so the fruitless and shocking search for a social tribe bit is probably over - a lot of us have sought fellow travellers, who doesn't?

Agree with aspychata, this personal care stuff can be depression, but also alcoholism can produce such states, ive cut down on booze a lot in the last year, mainly using good 'quitting' blogs, of which there are many with lots great tips on dealing with cravings etc. Essentially, I think you need to work on the addiction, then maybe the rest falls into line. Some people need rehab, anti depressants, sleeping pills etc, but I just did it privately, but I don't need medical rehab, some do, you need a medical opinion on that one.

 

[Jumpback]

So what as a forum do you want us to do? At this point do you think you need meds? Have you lost interest in life? Because when you stop with showers and taking care of yourself - this is a cry for help. Or severe depression. You can go to emergency and tell them you need to be admitted for observation. These are thoughts and l am really trying to understand

I can’t hospitalize myself, I tried that after sexual assault when I was in college and all that happened was searching for what the real problem was behind my homophobic hate claims or something about why I was really so upset about a gay couple sexually assaulting me. For being sexually assaulted, I got diagnosed with anxiety disorders and borderline OCD and told that, basically, my brain doesn’t work right. There was absolutely zero interest in conselling a victim or listening or interest in other things I have wrong with me

I guess I just have to let go of the past and forget and move on. And stop being a dumbass caught up in things that I cannot change. I guess that letting the past be the past and moving on and just doing something else or thinking about something else is what I need

But it’s kind of like my brain just works different or something. Like if a problem exists, I need to solve it, even if this involves becoming an expert on Ancient Greece and Rome and Hellenism and so on because ancient times were the last time that forms of homosexuality were somewhat acceptable

Like I just need to drop this and move on, but my head works against me or something

I guess what I am most searching for is some level of being believed and then just to drop this and go on with my life. But I am not sure how to do this. Like how do people here just move on and forget and accept things cannot be changed and just move on with their life?

 

[Jumpback]

I think you fit in with autistic people, so the fruitless and shocking search for a social tribe bit is probably over - a lot of us have sought fellow travellers, who doesn't?

Agree with aspychata, this personal care stuff can be depression, but also alcoholism can produce such states, ive cut down on booze a lot in the last year, mainly using good 'quitting' blogs, of which there are many with lots great tips on dealing with cravings etc. Essentially, I think you need to work on the addiction, then maybe the rest falls into line. Some people need rehab, anti depressants, sleeping pills etc, but I just did it privately, but I don't need medical rehab, some do, you need a medical opinion on that one.

Thanks. Bad habits I have are not for fun, they are deal with things like anxiety and indecision and the past. Like if I binge watch movies back to back to back, it will not even occur to me to drink or smoke unless I start going through withdrawal. I’ll try quitting blogs.

The social tribe thing is probably a very big deal for me, I just am weird and have a weird, socially unacceptable problem and it completely isolates me. Especially because I probably come across as a pretty normal, reasonably good looking white guy, so no one grasps that there might be a problem

But I am not normal. Like one day I remembered my grandfather talking about the Japanese battleship “Yamamoto”, so I watch videos on this and research, then maybe I start going into how the Japanese Russian war of 1904-05 and especially Jewish oppression resulted in the modernization of the Japanese Navy, such as in the “Pales of Settlement” and the Pogroms of the Russian Tsars and all about endless things and endless things and endless things to get back to why the Yamamoto existed. Nobody else does these things. I do not have a history degree, I am not Jewish, it is not helpful for me to have obsessive interests like this. But I just do these weird things anyway

 

[Aspychata]

Think it sounds like you enjoy history. I don't think that's weird. Being on the spectrum means we have obsessive interests. So we will go there because we like gathering data, lots of data.

You obviously felt you weren't treated correctly when you went in for assault. You still can be evaluated for other issues. It's not to late for that. If you read some of the prior posts, you will find people who remind you of yourself here.

 

[Jumpback]

Think it sounds like you enjoy history. I don't think that's weird. Being on the spectrum means we have obsessive interests. So we will go there because we like gathering data, lots of data.

You obviously felt you weren't treated correctly when you went in for assault. You still can be evaluated for other issues. It's not to late for that. If you read some of the prior posts, you will find people who remind you of yourself here.

See, but I actually have had trouble getting past other people being upset with me. I tried for about 3 years to get psych nurse to just allow me to try ADHD medication, but they would not, because the opinion of gay advocate counselor and psychs at my university was the real problem was my anxiety and my brain being malformed and so on. Psychs build on what previous psychs have decided, and the consensus when I was in college was that I was actually so upset about a gay couple sexually assaulting me because I have various disorders and my brain doesn’t work right and maybe I am just upset due to my repressed homosexuality or something

 

[Jumpback]

Think it sounds like you enjoy history. I don't think that's weird. Being on the spectrum means we have obsessive interests. So we will go there because we like gathering data, lots of data.

You obviously felt you weren't treated correctly when you went in for assault. You still can be evaluated for other issues. It's not to late for that. If you read some of the prior posts, you will find people who remind you of yourself here.

Yeah, I definitely have obsessive interests and I saw someone talking about Hitler being killed in another thread and this guy is over my head talking about people around Hitler at the time and his dogs name and so on. So I can kind of see a similarity In obsessive interests that aren’t really related to tasks at hand and focus on things that might better an individuals predicament in life and so on.

 

[Jumpback]

Think it sounds like you enjoy history. I don't think that's weird. Being on the spectrum means we have obsessive interests. So we will go there because we like gathering data, lots of data.

You obviously felt you weren't treated correctly when you went in for assault. You still can be evaluated for other issues. It's not to late for that. If you read some of the prior posts, you will find people who remind you of yourself here.

My experiences and frustrations are just hopeless. I am just going to sound like a deranged hate monger, or, at best, someone who has lots of very, very unlikely sounding excuses for why they aren’t behaving better.

I just have to sort of block out one subject and forget about the past and move on.

I’m just not really clear about how to do this

 

[Jumpback]

I can’t hospitalize myself, I tried that after sexual assault when I was in college and all that happened was searching for what the real problem was behind my homophobic hate claims or something about why I was really so upset about a gay couple sexually assaulting me. For being sexually assaulted, I got diagnosed with anxiety disorders and borderline OCD and told that, basically, my brain doesn’t work right. There was absolutely zero interest in conselling a victim or listening or interest in other things I have wrong with me

I guess I just have to let go of the past and forget and move on. And stop being a dumbass caught up in things that I cannot change. I guess that letting the past be the past and moving on and just doing something else or thinking about something else is what I need

But it’s kind of like my brain just works different or something. Like if a problem exists, I need to solve it, even if this involves becoming an expert on Ancient Greece and Rome and Hellenism and so on because ancient times were the last time that forms of homosexuality were somewhat acceptable

Like I just need to drop this and move on, but my head works against me or something

I guess what I am most searching for is some level of being believed and then just to drop this and go on with my life. But I am not sure how to do this. Like how do people here just move on and forget and accept things cannot be changed and just move on with their life?

I think that I sound bizarre, weird, strange, obsessive and am not sure of anything I say going on about this subject. But it is this subject, it is not some thing with my parents or people I have known and so on, my head just isn’t right due to gays behaving badly and this sounding offensive or unlikely to other people.

It’s like I just have no perspective due to this. Like I do not know what I am screwing up and what external consequences are screwing up. Almost like, say, Michael Jackson was so rich and famous that he could not trust anyone, so no one was there to tell him that deciding to bleach his skin white and sharing his bed with boys was weird and to stop doing these things.

Like, I can not trust anyone, since everyone incorrectly seems to decide that I am filled with hate or I am being offensive for no reason and am up to secret things and so on, so my perspective about how I fit with the external world is completely screwed up and I have lost perspective on what I am screwing up and what is under my control and so on.

 

[Jumpback]

I think that I sound bizarre, weird, strange, obsessive and am not sure of anything I say going on about this subject. But it is this subject, it is not some thing with my parents or people I have known and so on, my head just isn’t right due to gays behaving badly and this sounding offensive to other people.

It’s like I just have no perspective due to this. Like I do not know what I am screwing up and what external consequences are screwing up. Almost like, say, Michael Jackson deciding to bleach his skin white and maybe having interest in boys. Like someone needed to tell Jackson, that bleaching his skin was weird and sharing his bed was weird and to stop doing these things.

Like, I can not trust anyone, since everyone incorrectly seems to decide that I am filled with hate am being offensive for no reason and am up to secret things and so on, so my perspective about how I fit with the external world is completely screwed up

Like, say if you drop a carton of eggs getting out of your car, you know that you dropped a carton of eggs. Or if some dumbass knocks a carton of eggs out of your hands getting out of your car, you know that someone else caused all these eggs to break

But I do not know what is what, because this subject is so politically sensitive that everything gets warped into very complicated explanations that even just confuse reality

 

[Matthias]

It's not really like I just go around telling random people, I'm not autistic like that. It's more when I was kid I just had little interest in what other kids were doing. I wouldn't talk with other kids at school at all and then I would come home and race marbles or design paper airplanes or go hunting for fossils or ride my bike or something. At family gatherings I would always hang around the dog to avoid people. And I was perfectly happy to do this.

Now something has switched and I talk way too much

Like the issue is more like people don't see that there is something seriously different about me, but there is. I even become like a nervous wreck going to take a shower. I can't organize things without becoming overwhelmed, but I get
very obsessed with looking things up and trying to figure things out, like maybe how first battery powered watches of the 1960s and then the lcd watch revolution of the 1970s drove many Swiss watch makers of business or forced consolidation in the industry

I think there is a good chance you're autistic. You can take a screening test online called the AQ test for free. There are a few others. Many people diagnose themselves. I found Youtube videos that really helped me with autism (understanding people better), depression, and anxiety which should help you even if you're not autistic.

Almost all psychs researchers are liberal. Most working psychs are liberal See here
Is Social Psychology Biased Against Republicans?

https://www.newyorker.com/science/maria-konnikova/social-psychology-biased-republicans

That may be true but how is it relevant to your situation? Have you tried finding a therapist with experience treating those who were sexually assaulted? If you can't find one, you could always not mention your assault and see therapists for your other problems like depression and anxiety and use a self-help book to deal with the trauma you experienced.

My ex-girlfriend was best man at her gay friends wedding, my sister is something of an advocate for transgenders

It’s kind of like maybe I come across as pretty normal but I am not, then I have these issues that sound unlikely or like homophobic hate, so people don’t get it. If I ever try to get past this or explain to others close to me things always seem to turn in to a hunt for what the real problem is. Like is the real problem that I have repressed homosexuality? Is the real problem that I have dangerous hate? Is the real problem that I have 5 mental disorders? And so on.

Since thing happened in college I have never been able to have a normal talk with a psychologist. Things become an argument and everyone is upset and I walk out pissed off. Like the first question is always going to be “are you gay?” Like who asks women going in for sexual assault by men “are you attracted to men?” My ex-girlfriend pointed out when I refused to see a psychologist that maybe the psychs I have seen are just trying to establish basic things such as whether I am gay or have negative ideas about gays, which was a good point, but I feel like I am not being believed or there is looking for what I have done wrong

I believe you and I think most people, if not everyone, on this forum believes you too. It's normal for people who had something traumatic happen to them to try to minimize it and convince themselves it wasn't as big of a deal as it was to avoid being overwhelmed by it. Other people can misinterpret that and wonder if you might be gay. You can't change how people think or react. The PTSD workbook I recommended helped me and I think it would be very helpful for you. You can get self-help books for trauma, depression, anxiety and any other problems you have at the library for free. The #1 book for depression, "feeling good" by Dr. Burns only costs $8 brand new so you can buy several books for not much money if your local library isn't open.

My actual life experiences involve a minority gay couple sexually assaulting, a Hispanic roommate immigrant who feels like he was made gay by childhood rape, a different immigrant roommate who felt he developed homosexual inclinations in his 20s as a result of developing schizophrenia. Even a partially crippled guy sexually assaulting.

I couldn’t find a way to sound more offensive by just explaining my history if I tried.

How is their race, ethnicity, and immigration status relevant? Is being sexually assaulted by a black gay man worse than being sexually assaulted by a white straight man? Why does it matter if your roommate was a Hispanic immigrant or a white US-born citizen? If you just said a man sexually assaulted you and a roommate felt a childhood rape made him gay then people might not think you're racist or homophobic.

Why do you need to explain to anyone what your roommates believed about what they thought made them gay? Unless you're worried your assault is making you gay, I don't see why you need to explain your roommates beliefs to anyone.

I don't think you're gay, homophobic, or racist. I think your problems with gays and your need to tell people is a symptom of the trauma you experienced.

It’s like I have stopped taking showers, I have lost all interest in personal hygeniene, I do not comb my hair at all, I am flirting with being homeless, I have become a bad alcoholic, maybe even all this is some bizarre cry for help to get people to actually believe me and stop with all the secret things I might be up to.

Those are symptoms of depression. The "feeling good" book I recommended by Dr. Burns should help. If you were better before you were assaulted and worse now, there is a good chance the trauma you experienced is involved so I'd definitely get a self-help book to help deal with it.

Your problems are complicated but treatable. It's great that you're asking for help here but there really isn't anything any of us can do to help you. You really need therapy either with a therapist or using self-help books on your own. If you can't find a therapist you trust, I'd go with self-help books. These books can teach you the same things you'd learn from a therapist and will probably be much more helpful given the problems you've had with therapists. I'd start watching the Youtube videos I mentioned and get the "feeling good" book for depression and another book for PTSD such as the PTSD workbook I mentioned. I'd focus on those two problems first since the trauma may be causing your other problems and you don't want to end up harming yourself if you become too depressed. Once you've dealt with those two problems, you can get more books for anxiety and any other problems you have.

 

[Jumpback]

I think there is a good chance you're autistic. You can take a screening test online called the AQ test for free. There are a few others. Many people diagnose themselves. I found Youtube videos that really helped me with autism (understanding people better), depression, and anxiety which should help you even if you're not autistic.

I wanted to respond to you point by point, but I do not know how to use the forum system

I took the AQ test and scored a 32 which is Aspergers (which apparently doesn't exist any more in the newest DSM). Changing one answer and I get a 33 which is autistic. I suspect that if I would have taken the test when I was about 14, I might have scored like a 37 or something, putting me well into straight autism.

But I still don't identify with maybe some parts of what high functioning autism is supposed to be like, and maybe even am almost backwards in some ways. Like autistics are supposed to see the trees but not the forest, but I almost see the forest without seeing the trees.

Like I redid my ex-girlfriends, who has an MBA, resume for her by reasoning out what people might be looking for and adding in everything remotely technical and so on. This wasn't hard for me, but it's just weird that I fit some parts of autism so completely, but then maybe not others

But I have read that famous people like David Byrne (singer of the "Talking Heads" )and Dan Akroyd and Darryl Hannah have this or have been diagnosed and it doesn't seem like actors and comedians and singers fit exactly either