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Hi

ErinH

ErinH

Active Member
Hi,

I'm new on here. I haven't been diagnosed with Asperger's yet, but I (and many people around me) feel that I do have this.

Has anybody else had a lot of problems with friendships? I have never been able to keep close friends, and have frequently had meltdowns leading to the friend just not wanting to speak to me anymore. The most recent one was a friend of about seven years. We were best friends and were always there for each other. I thought I had finally found someone to be my friend, and we had never had an argument or anything. But I have always found life overwhelming, and made some pretty radical life decisions in the past couple of years, including briefly moving to Germany then moving back in an emotional emergency situation (with my fiancé). I asked my friend if me and him could move back in with her and she said no. I just had a meltdown.

My family have never been there for me and I could never rely on them. My mum has always been very upset and angry at my always depending on people throughout my life and never being able to take charge of my own life because of the constant meltdowns (which we now realise was because I have been living with Asperger's the whole time), so when it came to my fiancé and I being homeless back in Britain, she wouldn't put us up in her spare room as she felt this would be "enabling" me because I need to learn how to be independent. So when my best friend said no as well I was at rock bottom. I was suicidal. I did have a meltdown and accused her of not caring or acting like a best friend. Since then she no longer wants to be my friend. It was our first argument of sorts, and she just gave up on us. I thought we would work out the friendship eventually but she wasn't interested and said things can never be the same. This was almost two years ago. I still feel triggered by it.

My fiancé is a rock to me, he is the only person who I can rely on in my life. I don't know how to stop feeling the pain of the loss of the friendship. And it's not just her, I have had other friends at university who now no longer speak to me, I don't even know what happened. I have to unfollow them all on Facebook as the mere sight of them on my feed triggers me into a meltdown.

Sorry for the negativity. I just don't know how to keep friends being the way I am. I feel lonely sometimes. Sometimes all I want is to be alone, though. But like I said, my fiancé is a rock, I would almost certainly not be here if it weren't for him. I have gained a lot of control of my life now, but it has still been very overwhelming, and my fiancé depended on me for a long time for everything, it was too much for me. He has a job now though.
 
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hello welcome shalom im from England also aspie i waited nearly 46 years for an answer to what the nerves meant and why people disliked me and the endless autism traits its very common by the way you are now a member of the outcast tribe
 
Welcome to AC, Erin. I'm really sorry your friend did that to you, I would never get over it if I had that happen to me. I had trouble making friendships my entire life and only in recent years did I manage to make some friends who are nice to me and never make me feel bad about myself. I would go into full-blown depression if any of them ever cut me off, and I hate what your friend did to you. If one of my friends kept going into meltdowns I would BE THERE for them not matter goddam what!!!! You're better off without her. I'm really happy you got your fiance by your side. I've never even gone on a date before, so you're waaaaaay ahead of me! I'll be turning 30 this year, so that's a very long time to live without dating.

I tend to go into meltdowns too, but at home in front of my parents. I feel down a lot and I worry all the time; the undue stress can really get to me and the slightest thing can trigger them, something as simple as a criticism. Whenever I'm not experiencing bad moods or meltdowns, I can be on the other polar extreme - acting all hyper-happy, talking a lot about my interests (very narrow-mindedly) and otherwise just yell out random words; I'm basically a toddler in a man's body. Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually bipolar as well. I do know I have Asperger's though, my psychologist confirmed it. I'm just happy that my parent still love me after I lash out (verbally) during all these meltdowns; it's just horrible, I really don't deserve their love.

My issues with making and keeping friends arise from my near total lack of social skills, and the fact that many people find me super odd. For some time there I actually preferred to be lonely, and I only had one childhood friend who was socially awkward as well, and hated everything around him as well. The ones I made in recent years are not bothered by the fact that I'm weird (a couple of them do want me to not constantly binge-text them though and I believe I toned down on that a notch). They're all NT, and yet I somehow managed to actually find people who are nice to me. So far, they're still there - and thus far I never had a meltdown in front of them (but it has been less than 2 years).

As for people I work with, it seems like I gradually sucked the fun out of the relationships they've had with me. Happened with one or two of them; towards the end I did not feel any of that friendly warmth. Still, they treat me in a civil manner and never undermine me; I do tend to drive them crazy a lot though, same with my parents - especially with my parents. I'm also happy to have their love and support, but it's a wonder how that still comes to pass because I can be horrible to them whenever I have a meltdown. How do I deal with meltdowns? I take a herb called Valerian, it calms the nerves. Whenever I take it I have to go into my room (sometimes I still slam the door) and let it take effect; it's good to just not talk to anybody during the meltdown and I just feel soooooooooooo bad for taking it all out on my parents, without even being aware of it.

Your fiance really does sound like a rare jewel on this slum of a planet. He's your one and only true friend, and even ONE true friend makes all the difference in the world. Please forget about that "friend" you talked about and all those others from the university. How would THEY feel if someone were to just cut them off like that HUH?? I had so many potential friends in college and I lost them because of the way behaved, being perceived by them as "annoying". I never wanted to hurt anybody, were they right to just run away and not be around me? There's just this one guy I text with from college, can't believe he actually thought I was cool. Always treasure your fiance, love him always and forever and always do great things for him. Having people appreciate us for who we are NO MATTER WHAT is KEY. It makes all the difference in the WORLD.

And no need to apologize, we're all here for support so feel free to pour your heart out on here. AC over here is the best forum on the planet, hands down - and I really glad you joined. I should have joined sooner instead of sweeping all my struggles under the rug. As for any other potential friends - don't try too hard to look for them, but always be on the lookout and observe how they treat you should you encounter some. I found mine right around the corner - one started out as a coworker (he was laid off soon unfortunately), and he's more than just civil to me; he idolizes me (I love that, feels so great to be loved) and the other is someone who works at a nearby restaurant; the third is her husband. Other coworkers really do care about me but I can tell that they get annoyed. They do want me to do better in life though.

As for being alone, sometimes I want to be left alone at my computer, and at other times I cling to my current friends like a moth to a flame (even more) because finding them was just a miracle unlike many others. I can never let go of them, but I do constantly worry about them leaving me; it's a paranoia, because I too had trouble making friends being what I am. Still, I've improved a little since college and I will still be around these people; it's been more than a year and nothing's changed for the worse yet, so I'll remain mostly optimistic. I just hope that if I ever have a meltdown in front of them (they know I have Asperger's), that they won't assume that I'm a psycho. That's never happen yet, all of my meltdowns have happened at home (and a few at work). I don't want anybody to think that I'm a psycho, because deep down inside I know that I'm NOT a psycho. I'm an Aspie.
 
That doesn't sound negative at all, self analysis can be a very positive thing. As you said, you are starting to gain control over your life and that always starts with an understanding of yourself.

Yes, I have had problems with friendships. All of them, all friendships and all problems! From the outset I have difficulty making friends, when I do make a friend I am too "full on" too soon and that freaks people out. If the relationship does move into friendship I struggle to maintain it. If the relationship does become close, I misinterpret it, thinking we are closer friends than we are. And then finally, if there is any glimmer of closeness, I run for the hills.

Out of interest, with your friendship problems, do you find that you that during the friendship you start to rely on the friend and are willing to tolerate a lot of criticism from them? Do you rely on them for decisions or reassurance?
 
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