Help with my Boyfriend

[scoobynatural]

I have been with my bf for almost two years (me=25, him=23). We actually met in therapy lol He was misdiagnosed and I was the one who suggested he had high functioning Aspergers and low and behold he did. We have been literally inseparable since. He sleeps over multiple times a week and jokes about how my place is his at this point. I am the person he is closest to in this world. He admits it often. We just have a comfortability he's never had with anyone, even his family. He can make eye contact with me fine, he is so affectionate with me, we even just recently worked through all our ED issues. We have been best friends, lovers, a couple, friends with benefits but always circle back to bf/gf. His family can see a huge change in him and everyone around us has said we are like magnets. Meeting each other has changed both of our lives dramatically for the best. The only issue I have is that about every 4 months or so, he either gets so depressed he pulls away OR he's happy because we're happy and he starts thinking that maybe "he could find something better". He admits we are perfect but maybe there could be a better fit. I am the only gf he's ever had so I understand the feeling, also he has major commitment issues which I understand but it still hurts. No matter what, if we "break up" or "fight", he always comes back fully within a month. We can never just be friends. He has even downloaded tinder and I have given him opportunities to go date other people or talk to them, he never has. Which leaves me confused.

I'm talking about this now because he is about to do this again, I saw something on his phone alluding to it and its coming up on 4 months since our last "break up". I, from a logical standpoint, I can see where his feelings make sense but my emotions cloud my judgement. I don't want this to happen again. I'm tired of this gentle push and pull. He has never fully left me and if he really wanted to see other people, he has had opportunity to date/talk to other girls. It just hurts because he admits how amazing we are and how I'm everything to him but then out of inexperience says he doesn't know if there is something better. I am his best friend and his girlfriend. Other than me, he doesn't talk t anyone else (only his parents out of necessity). Btw this is all his choice, not mine. He never had a lot of friends or wanted them.

Bottom line, I want to be with this man. I can see myself marrying this man. This is such a small part of our relationship, but it just hurts the most. I want to know what to do to not push him away if he leaves again and how to get him to commit fully. I know not everyone with high functioning Aspergers is the same (he was misdiagnosed for so may years most people don't even know he has it, even his parents had no idea) but any other website I feel can never give me good advice. He doesn't think like other men. He has the inability to lie, or play games or manipulate like other young men do in relationships so none of that "get your ex back stuff" would work with him. A lot of people tell me I need to let him go, so he can experience other girls and then he"ll come back realizing consciously I am the one not just subconsciously. But I'm afraid to let him go. Everyone has insecurities, I know what we have but what if he finds someone else in the end. And I love him, I don't want him with anyone else. But is this the way to get him to see for good? Sometimes, I don't totally understand how his mind works. I just don't want to do the wrong thing. please help me.

 

[Rasputin]

If he does this again, make him work to get back into your good graces. Otherwise this behavior becomes reinforced. If he fears he might lose you he might value the relationship more.

 

[Juliettaa]

Hello and welcome to the forum

Bottom line, I want to be with this man. I can see myself marrying this man. This is such a small part of our relationship, but it just hurts the most.

Really? A small part of your relationship that he thinks there's something better out there? I wouldn't define that as 'small'.

Me, I'd say 'jog on mate' and shut the door behind him. Firmly.

I don't totally understand how his mind works. I just don't want to do the wrong thing. please help me.

Of course you don't understand how his mind works. None of us know how the minds of others work.

In fact, people don't know their own minds half of the time

 

[Thinx]

I did get a feel from your post that you are thinking mainly about how to get him to change. It's the eternal issue I guess, and the simple answer is, he would have to want to. It doesn't sound like he wants to change this, it sounds like he wants to do it every 4 months or so at present. Perhaps he will get over this, or, as you say, he may not. Perhaps he'll find someone else, or think he has.

I would say, make your opinions around this clear to him, and then decide what your own limits and boundaries are, should this continue. What do you want, if he doesn’t change? It must surely be quite hard to feel the same about someone who tells you he thinks he could find someone better? Are you telling yourself he doesn't really mean it? He sounds immature, and we don't usually get over immaturity until we have lived longer and experienced more.

 

[Mia]

Let him go. Once he's gone, you might realize in the fullness of time that it was a fairytale. Many people with Asperger's mask, and become who you want them to be. It doesn't last forever and eventually they show you who they really are.

I've known people who masked for ten or fifteen years in front of their girlfriends and boyfriends, or wives and husbands. Because they felt that who they are is socially unacceptable.

We do it to fit in, to be like everyone else and we can keep it up for a really long time. We actually don't know early on who we really are, and it takes a lifetime to figure it out. You might think that it's a wonderful honeymoon, and it may last for a long time. But the person your in love with is mirroring things from you, as well as from society, the expected things, it's not who he really is.

He breaks up after four months, because he cannot keep it up for longer than that.

 

[Aspychata]

Relationships are so complex that l can't give any advice. But you are so young. Both of you have time. Think relationships become harder because eventually you just want to take care of your desktop; bills, bills, and more bills, health issues, career choices and scheduling burps. Your desktop just has his picture on it, but you need to make room for other things, such as life. I hope l didn't come across in a harsh way. We aren't blessed with word grace. Lol

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

A question: has he still got a place to live?

 

[Alexej]

Welcome @scoobynatural to the Forums

Do hang out for aa while and read some of the threads in here. A lot of good stufff.

 

[Tom]

You are probably further along in maturity then just the two years. I would toss him back in the lake and maybe check him out again in several years.

 

[Nynke]

Look I get that a lot of people say just let him go, because indeed if he keeps on portraying this behaviour that is something that is just hurting and demeaning towards you. Also, this is for sure something that people with high functioning Asperger's all do, this is something that he in particular does.

However, it also kind of sound like he doesn't really notice he is hurting you with this behaviour (like that he truly doesn't understand that he does). So if I were you, I would just straight up go with him into a conversation saying 'hey this behaviour that you are portraying every four months or so really hurts me, because it makes me feel like I am not good enough but that you just stick with me for the time being. I truly love you and want to make our relationship work for the long run, but if you keep on portraying this behaviour I don't think I can keep on going with our relationship.'

Something like that. I really hope for you that this will work out for you and that he will realize that this sort of behaviour is toxic for your relationship, as it sound like your relationship is very precious to the both of you. Good luck, and also feel free to send me a message at any point if you would feel like that would help you

 

[JesseRBassett]

I would say let him go, but always try to be civil. Keep the door open to be friends. Sometimes it is better to be friends than lovers. I am best friends with one of my ex's and she is in a much healthier relationship with a man than when she was with me. So it can work out in the end. It is up to you, but know I am praying for your situation!