HELP My boyfriend wants to leave me

[Frixion168]

As the title states my boyfriend is on the brink of leaving me - he told me. It's not a random threat; he wants to leave me because of my inability to let go of an argument. When I get stuck on an opinion of a particular subject I will not let it go. I think this is due to my asperger's - I don't even recognize what I am doing when I get in these arguments.

Do any of you struggle with something similar? Is there a way I can better manage this behavior?

 

[Tankgirlboy77]

This sounds familiar to me, I most definitely get hung up on arguments or trains of thought. I can't really offer advice for how to save relationships, but I do know that you have to err on compromise and learn to find a way to let go of arguments. What is ultimately more important to you, the argument or your relationship? It's likely that your bf thinks you care more about winning an argument than you do about him. When I get caught up in a train of thought it is because I haven't been able to find a satisfactory answer to it and I get caught up in a kind of mania that looks to everyone else like obsession. It may look like this to him, so be prepared to see it from this point of view and let it go if necessary.

It's hard to know what to advise without knowing more specifics about what the argument is about, but I would recommend going away and being by yourself for as long as it takes to sort through it and get to the heart of the matter in your own mind first. Otherwise you're likely to go off on tangents and be led by the whim of your emotions whenever the matter randomly comes up. First you need to be really clear and rational with yourself, and write down the ins and outs of the issue as you see it. Then when you've got a bit of mental distance from the swirling madness of the argument that was going round in your mind you can start unpicking the emotional elements from it. Like asking yourself why it is so important that you communicate a particular point to your bf. If there are parts of the argument where you are just being perhaps a bit childish or overly sensitive rather than calm and reasonable then be prepared to admit this to yourself and let these things go. There will be some bits that are especially sensitive; but you should express how they make you feel, first to yourself and later to him.

A key reason for getting stuck on an argument can often be because you feel that you are having difficulty expressing yourself and/or that the other person is not understanding you or is not properly listening. That's why I think calmness, rationally thought out explanations and clarity are so important. Once you think you've got it sussed, then show him/tell him what you think about it and ask that you discuss it calmly together. He may then be able to understand your point of view and he will then be more likely to meet you half way. Then hopefully you can forgive one another and let it go together.

 

[Mia]

Have a habit of doing that as well, mainly as a result of my requiring lots of time to think things out. Not because I want to win, because I would like to know more about something and think about all the ways of approaching a subject. I remember pretty much any argument I've ever had, since I was a child. Don't understand why I recall them all, probably it has something to do with figuring out human interaction, something I've studied over my lifetime to try and understand the world and people in it.

My spouse used to say the same thing to me, "you never forget anything I've said." So that during an argument I would bring up how many times we had the same discussion in the past, what the results were and if anything had been accomplished as a result of the argument. This used to make him crazy, as he had no rebuttal to the things I mentioned. Fact is when you don't let go of an argument, it's likely because you feel wronged and misunderstood but unable to explain at the time. You bring it up again to try to get your side listened to and understood.

No one should use a particular habit or way of doing things as a threat to leave a relationship, unless the habit is dangerous to both parties. It cuts off the discussion and there is no dialogue any more. Women tend to remember far more emotional arguments than men do, who often remember the more fact filled ones. It's simply a way of blaming you for something, that might be inherent and fixed when you are misunderstood or threatened. The threat of leaving derails the discussion.

 

[Cosmophylla]

Yes, I'm very familiar with your situation. Tankgirlboy77 summarised my experience perfectly. (Thank you Tankgirlboy77 ) I still have problems with this and I agree that it is because I struggle to communicate my point of view when emotionally charged. I also have problems with over explaining everything. I need to be understood, and repeatedly feel that I'm not. So I need time, and need to revisit the issue, to process it and make sure my point of view is understood by the other party. Therefore I try to think about it in solitude so I can be honest with myself without interruption. Sometimes there is still no answer...there is one particular issue that my husband and I have been dealing with for years and I don't know why I can't just let it go... I've asked myself so many times but can't understand, but I'm pretty sure it's one of my core "beliefs"/principles that I've had since my youth and it's unlikely I'll ever be able to fully change it. I've compromised for years but it is wearing me down... Ah here I go over explaining things again!

 

[Beverly]

I do the same thing and, I will not hush until I know I have been heard and understood. I don't demand they agree with me but, they will hear me and, they will shut their own mouth and think about my words long enough to understand what I said.

I am no less a person than anyone else, I have as much right as they do to be heard and understood. No two people ever agree 100% of the time and, that's okay if they disagree as long as I know they understand my point of view.

I have found that I have to be very specific as to why I do not think they understood or heard me wit most NTs. usually they have heard and do understand but, they do not reply to each and every point of what I said, they generalize too much and, that makes me feel as if they did not hear or did not understand what I said so, to me, they may be disagreeing without having all of the information I feel they need.

Once I explain that to them, at a calm time, and explain it again after three or four arguments to remind them, we get to brief arguments, then detailed point by point discussion and, either agree, find a working compromise or, agree to disagree. Sometimes agreeing to disagree, and thus avoid the subject or situation as far as is possible is the only solution. Once in a great while, the situation or subject cannot be avoided because it is life altering for both of us and, if we can't agree or compromise then, it's time to consider breaking up. For example, I was, after a good discussion, told by my ex that either I restrict my career to songwriting only or, he wanted a divorce before I went back to touring. I'll be opening my next tour June of 2016, and in April, the press will break the story of me being single again. (Gives me time to get everything finalized and, get my head together before I have to deal with being single publicly.)

 

[On the Inside]

I strongly dislike arguing, and avoid it whenever possible. There are better ways of resolving problems.

I am an Aspie in a relationship with an NT who won't let go of an argument. We've had the same ones over and over, or I should say, she continues them. I listen and at this point try to ride them out and let them run their course, as they invariably wend their way through a selection of all the wrongs I've committed.

Mostly they are about Aspie behavior that I can't seem to change, and maybe never will be able to.

We've been together 13 years, and it has gone on since month 8. If I leave the relationship, this would be the reason why.

 

[artfull dodger]

I know exactly what you are going thru, my wife is NT and I am the Aspie. Wasnt found out till I was married for over 11 years with all the arguments and fights to go with it. She has slowly come to accept that there are things about me that she cannot change. And that hanging on to arguments only cause other issues with us. But like anything in a relationship, it takes both to make it work. If he is unwilling to change himself and accept that there are things about you that cannot be changed, then I do know it will be a rough road ahead. Mike

 

[Frixion168]

I don't have time to respond in detail quite yet as I'm at a new years party, but I wanted to thank you all for your response; you're saving my life right now as I'm less stressed, thus able to handle being in a social situation right now.

 

[Tom]

Time to begin understanding what you are doing. You can't stop someone from leaving, only inform them of your sincere desire to work on this issue/problem. Then its up to them.

 

[Suzanne]

I am the same and it has got to the point that I make the effort to pull back, since I am terrible when I get negative feedback.

Perhaps you are better for this decision of your boyfriend, because it can only get worse.

 

[Frixion168]

It gives me comfort that many of you have struggled with the same thing I am. I am going to actively take some of the advice I got to improve these issues.

Also, I've made a decision after talking with you all; I need to only focus on my own improvements - rather than solely my relationship. With or without a relationship I need to work on my issues. No one is perfect.

**UPDATE** My boyfriend last night was making flirty eyes with this girl at the party I went to last night. Literally right in front of me. Makes me think that (a) He is so done with me that he's looking for someone to replace me already OR (b) I haven't been "crazy" this whole time for finding him untrustworthy; these sorts of drama/stress really trigger my aspie syndromes..maybe?

 

[Beverly]

It gives me comfort that many of you have struggled with the same thing I am. I am going to actively take some of the advice I got to improve these issues.

Also, I've made a decision after talking with you all; I need to only focus on my own improvements - rather than solely my relationship. With or without a relationship I need to work on my issues. No one is perfect.

**UPDATE** My boyfriend last night was making flirty eyes with this girl at the party I went to last night. Literally right in front of me. Makes me think that (a) He is so done with me that he's looking for someone to replace me already OR (b) I haven't been "crazy" this whole time for finding him untrustworthy; these sorts of drama/stress really trigger my aspie syndromes..maybe?

Major red flags there and, yes, I would agree that he is done with you, and you have been right to find him untrustworthy. As difficult as it may be, were I in your place, I'd be seriously panning to let him go, or make him go as the case may be.

It took me a while to learn, and it's hard to realize but, you are right in working on you first. Become the person you want to be, the person you know you can be and, the person you like. Once you've got that, you have a better chance of finding a partner that is compatible, supportive and, fits into your life. Someone that helps you grow and, for whom you do the same.

In that process of fixing you, you'll also come to realize that while having a partner is great, you don't NEED one to feel content and complete, you become a complete person all by yourself and, that really does make so much in life so much better.

 

[Frixion168]

Major red flags there and, yes, I would agree that he is done with you, and you have been right to find him untrustworthy. As difficult as it may be, were I in your place, I'd be seriously panning to let him go, or make him go as the case may be.

It took me a while to learn, and it's hard to realize but, you are right in working on you first. Become the person you want to be, the person you know you can be and, the person you like. Once you've got that, you have a better chance of finding a partner that is compatible, supportive and, fits into your life. Someone that helps you grow and, for whom you do the same.

In that process of fixing you, you'll also come to realize that while having a partner is great, you don't NEED one to feel content and complete, you become a complete person all by yourself and, that really does make so much in life so much better.

Yeah I'm really bothered by the incident. In my mind I have these fantasies that if only I improved that I'd be worthy of his loyalty. It's been 4 years now and I still am not good enough. Moving on is so hard as our lives are so integrated with one another, and I have these stubborn feelings to make it work even though we are both unhappy. As you said I shouldn't NEED a partner.

I have seen a lot of "red flags" over the years of his disloyalty. For me I find disloyalty or traits causing distrust to be the most vile. Maybe we have been a bad match from the very beginning. Maybe it was never in my control to make this work.

 

[Beverly]

That's possible and, I know how difficult sorting two lives that have been one life for years is. I made that mistake with my first husband, shared everything, no prenuptial agreement, not even a pre separation agreement. That was a mess to sort, months with lawyers and arbitrators.

I also fell into the "If I could just be better, I'd be good enough for him." trap and, that is what that kind of thinking is, a metal trap we create for ourselves, one we can never escape from so long as we are trying to be what someone else expects us to be. The only escape is to be true to who you really are and, find someone who accepts, wants and loves you because you are you.

The same is true of ourselves, we cannot think "Oh he's okay but, he'll be perfect for me when I change this and that about him." No, he's not right then if we feel the need to change him to make him "Mr. Right." Of course any two people that are together for a while will see the flaws and shortcomings of the other and, it's good to point them out and, offer to help your partner improve but, change should not be a requirement to have a good relationship, it should be a mutual means of growing both as individuals and, as a couple, not required for either or both to even make the effort needed to build and maintain the relationship.

On a bit of a side note. I was much wiser the last time I got divorced. I had both a pre separation agreement (in case we split after living together but before getting married and, a prenuptial agreement which needed up being what needed to be enforced. Nice, quick, smooth divorce, no arguments over who got what or who would move out, we settled all of that before we even moved in together, years ago so, when we decided we could not be an "us" any longer, it was an hour with our lawyer and, waiting for the court to declare the divorce final is all.

 

[ancusmitis]

As the title states my boyfriend is on the brink of leaving me - he told me. It's not a random threat; he wants to leave me because of my inability to let go of an argument. When I get stuck on an opinion of a particular subject I will not let it go. I think this is due to my asperger's - I don't even recognize what I am doing when I get in these arguments.

Do any of you struggle with something similar? Is there a way I can better manage this behavior?

If you want to learn how to let go of arguments because it would make you a better person, then I would say do work on it. You'll get better with practice.

However, if it's to please this person who is holding the relationship hostage if you don't and you still don't have a sense of trust after this long, then maybe it's not worth it. Threatening to end a relationship if somebody doesn't change something about themselves is a lousy move. I think it's even considered emotional abuse. And as you say, it's been four years and you're not secure in his loyalty, so maybe you do need to call it quits afterall. You deserve someone who treats you better than that.

 

[Terencby]

I've been married 25 years. Arguments. Tricky.

From what I can understand, not letting go of arguments is an Aspie characteristic. I'm not sure why, but the answer probably lies somewhere between perseveration - you get bogged down in going over and over the same thing - and the communication issues that come with being on the spectrum, in particular, a sense that the other person is "just not getting it". Either they're not getting it because something about the way you're communicating isn't working, not getting it because it's a product of Aspie logic and is difficult to grasp for an NT, or in fact they are getting it, but you're not picking that up. But in all of these cases, you keep running with it, like a dog with a bone.

I've learnt though, that you just have to stop if the other person indicates that it's time to stop. No matter how difficult that is. A sympathetic and aware partner can help in being able to work through it and manage it. But, of course, you need a sympathetic and aware partner. You also need to be in a place yourself where having the relationship work is more important than getting your point across in an argument.

 

[N64boy96]

In terms of my aspergers I never knew I had it till 18 but at 14, first relationship, I had that kind of problem but I had no one to go for advice because well other than my parents, a whole different story, my family was dysfunctional and I was in foster care but I watched BMW a lot and even tho Cory and Topanga aren't real that's where I got most of my relationship advice give or take. Compromise and relationships are a partnership are what I took from the show. So even when it clearly wasn't my fault or something I swallowed my pride and said sorry because I didn't like fighting because I was afraid to turn into the rest of my family. The up side to remembering everything is that when my girlfriend talks to me she could give a pop quiz and I'd ace the thing because I'm actually paying attention do I'm kind of ahead in terms of Boyfriend Evolution.

 

[Nisk]

It's been awhile since I've been on here. Oddly this topic was partly what brought me to this forums. My ex found out when I did a few years ago that I had aspergers, she blamed almost all of our relationship issues on my inability to think like a normal person, I couldn't argue properly because I had aspergers, I couldn't communicate properly because of aspergers and so many other things. After 13 years everything came crashing down. I felt I was to blame for everything at first and decided to really work on "fixing" myself. Through this process I realized I was never solely to blame and neither was a diagnosis. I found traits in myself that had become defence mechanism from being in a failing relationship and weren't part of who I was 13 years prior. I also found parts of myself that needed to be seriously worked on and repaired. 6 months after splitting up and I don't feel as much like a new man as I feel like the man I was before getting into a horrible relationship. I have a girlfriend who accepts me for who I am, who doesn't try to correct me or change me. I've taken what I've learned about myself to help me understand where my part in the failing relationship was so I won't repeat the same mistakes and after everything was said and done I realized the worst thing I did was staying with someone out of loyalty, fear and comfort not love.

 

[Frixion168]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I've kind of disappeared for a few days from these forums. All the socializing during the holidays made me exhausted, so I needed a few days to recover. I would love to respond to each one of you in detail because you were incredibly helpful, but I'm not sure I have the energy in me to tackle it all atm.

Update: My boyfriend and I have had a detailed conversation. We both decided to actively work on changing certain behavior. We both realize that there are fundamental issues with our personalities clashing, but as illogical as it is we are going to try and make it work. Saying this though I am still mainly going to focus on my self so I am more independent, and with higher self asteam.

 

[Tom]

Making an effort to work things out isn't bad. Just be watchful that it is sincere on his part and not a way of mollifying you while he secretly intends to do things the same as always. If it doesn't work out, make the break as quick and surgical as possible and don't look back.