Help me make a decision

[lostinlife]

I am fed up of losing in life. PTSD is making it worse. I have nothing to hold on to. Autism destroyed my life before it even began.

I want a big compensation for what I have taken in life. I want to become a powerful billionaire and hurt all the people that have hurt me in my life. Is this possible despite my autism? If yes, I will keep living. Or else I am going to kill myself. This is my final decision. Death is better than the constant misery I am in.

I don't care how much hard work I have to put in. Even if it means sleeping 4 hours a day instead of 7 or taking more crap from people and putting my life in line, I will still do it because that is how much success means to me.

If you need info to help me make a decision, currently I am a 22 year old nobody, with no job/money and social skills. I am pretty sure I am close to the lowest part of the spectrum. I have no money making skills either.

 

[Mary Anne]

I can understand that you are feeling extremely depressed. You are feeling angry in that you want to hurt everyone who has ever hurt you. These are realistic honest human feelings. What is not realistic is to believe you will suddenly become a billionaire. Is is realistic to give yourself only 2 ultimatums - suicide or become an instant billionaire? I would say before you seriously make plans to commit suicide please think about my following questions.

Are you getting any sort of support right now? How is your family support? Are you able to live somewhere that is safe and secure, or are you out living in the streets homeless?

Are you able to get disability benefits? That would give you a steady base of money in which to survive in, though it’s not always a realistic amount, it is something.

Do you have a therapist? Any sort of counseling in which is a place where you could safely vent your feelings?

Know that you came to a forum where a lot of people here have endured horrendous traumas, poverty, disability, and more. Many have come through it through hard work and stamina. I am one of them.

I grew up in an extremely abusive household. I once tried to commit suicide at age 17. I failed, but have the scars to constantly remind me. Much of my life I felt extreme rage at so many people who harmed me.

At age 22 you can still find ways to gain employment skills despite any disabilities you might have. It is not easy, no doubt, but you can go to school, learn skills, and at the very least volunteer.

I hope you will hang in there. Others will post and give you support on this forum. There have been times in my life when I thought to resort to suicide again. I always thought, give me just one more day, or one more week. By doing this I was able to prove to myself that it was worth it to live. It IS worth it. Give yourself a chance to find out. Living just to get back at people who hurt you, is not truly living life.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

If you need info to help me make a decision, currently I am a 22 year old nobody, with no job/money and social skills

When I was 22. I knew nothing. I also had strong feelings regarding living or not.

I decided that if I lived I could do whatever I wanted to do.

I'll kill myself when I'm about 80. That seems sensible to me. Are you in?

I don't care how much hard work I have to put in. Even if it means sleeping 4 hours a day instead of 7 or taking more

Sleeping is one of the best bits, why not up it to 8 or 9 hours see how you feel?

Let's break down this billionaire thing.

Put me down for $200,000

What small things will be easy to change in your life?

1. Sleep for 9 hours
2.........

Lots on here have had PTSD, I think.

 

[Mary Anne]

When I was 22. I knew nothing. I also had strong feelings regarding living or not.

I decided that if I lived I could do whatever I wanted to do.

I'll kill myself when I'm about 80. That seems sensible to me. Are you in?
Lots on here have had PTSD, I think.

Agreed! When I failed at my suicide attempt at age 17, I told myself I would wait until age 20. When age 20 came, I was still miserable but not that miserable, so I would give it until age 25. Then it jumped to age 30. Then age 40. Then I stopped thinking about it because 25+ years of therapy to manage PTSD, and all my other severe issues, along with medications for anxiety and depression helped me. I stopped drinking and drugging. It worked and now I am age 61! I might commit suicide IF I wind up having to go into a nursing home feeble and old...but that won’t be until I am 80 or 90!!!

 

[Iamnotarabot]

Had this thought process myself when I was younger.

Story short it doesnt mean anything to do that, but I understand, all the negative emotions you are feeling right know are dominating you and your thoughts, I still have them but somehow i managed to put them behind , not in front of everything.

This is not a competition , I dont know what you have been throught.
But for know you are hesitating between 2 things related to the same idea, destruction.

Destroying yourself or destroying your surrounding.

Finding a place in this world is what we have to do, but if we are dominated by anger and bitterness, what will you do? going somewhere you dont realy want to go , destroying yourself indirectly in the process and for the wring reasons.

You say that many poeple hurt you, but i am sure that there is at least one person in the unniverse that cares about you and will feel desperate if you act like you say, dont put that person throught hell.

 

[Streetwise]

I am fed up of losing in life. PTSD is making it worse. I have nothing to hold on to. Autism destroyed my life before it even began.

I want a big compensation for what I have taken in life. I want to become a powerful billionaire and hurt all the people that have hurt me in my life. Is this possible despite my autism? If yes, I will keep living. Or else I am going to kill myself. This is my final decision. Death is better than the constant misery I am in.

I don't care how much hard work I have to put in. Even if it means sleeping 4 hours a day instead of 7 or taking more crap from people and putting my life in line, I will still do it because that is how much success means to me.

If you need info to help me make a decision, currently I am a 22 year old nobody, with no job/money and social skills. I am pretty sure I am close to the lowest part of the spectrum. I have no money making skills either.

is there any way you could study law? and become either a solicitor or an attorney !!!!!my mother became a solicitor specifically to avenge her grievance against the welfare system in our country!!! and it pleased her when it worked !!!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

You say that many poeple hurted you, but i am sure that there is at least one person in the unniverse that cares about you and will feel desperate if you act like you say, dont put that person throught hell.

I wonder if that very thought is a single step towards becoming a better person.

It's a balance of doing it versus care and consideration andanot wanting to hurt others.
Enduring pain so they don't have to.

 

[lostinlife]

I can understand that you are feeling extremely depressed. You are feeling angry in that you want to hurt everyone who has ever hurt you. These are realistic honest human feelings. What is not realistic is to believe you will suddenly become a billionaire. Is is realistic to give yourself only 2 ultimatums - suicide or become an instant billionaire?

I am dumb but not dumb enough to think that I will become an instant billionaire. I am just saying if it's possible with my limited intelligence and social abilities, given enough time like 30-40 years? I am not knowledgeable enough to understand the money system so I asked for help from you smart people.

I am aware that it's childish thinking, but that's all I got.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I am dumb but not dumb enough to think that I will become an instant billionaire. I am just saying if it's possible with my limited intelligence and social abilities, given enough time like 30-40 years? I am not knowledgeable enough to understand the money system so I asked for help from you smart people.

I am aware that it's childish thinking, but that's all I got.

Millionaire is do-able. Comfortable life.

Spend less than you earn.
Avoid depreciating assets

 

[kay]

Who knows what might happen in 20-30 years, give it the full time. Might not become a billionaire but might do well enough. Just try starting with a $100 goal and go on from there. You are only 22, which may seem old to you at the moment, but it's not. I know someone who started out in their early twenties on probation who now can earn $100,000= a year. I know someone else who started out a bike mechanic who now earns a similar salary without college. Depressing myself here a bit because I am still stuck. But you have resources I never had at your age, like this forum. Start learning your strengths and work with what you got. And give yourself until you are very old to give up.

 

[Mary Anne]

I am dumb but not dumb enough to think that I will become an instant billionaire. I am just saying if it's possible with my limited intelligence and social abilities, given enough time like 30-40 years? I am not knowledgeable enough to understand the money system so I asked for help from you smart people.

I am aware that it's childish thinking, but that's all I got.

Why do you think you have “Limited intelligence?” You write very well here. I do not believe it! Everyone on this thread has “Limited social abilities” in one form to another - some have very severe to non existent social abilities. You have found a whole new welcoming, and accepting family here that have gone through a lot of the same things.

Some here do not speak at all, and use a special keyboard to communicate. Some have daily melt downs. Some cannot function in normal society. Many are legally classified as disabled and live on limited means. Some are recovering from physical and emotional abuse. Others have multiple diagnosis besides autism. Some are super sensitive , and show their emotions. Others admit they have a lack of empathy. Some are going to school. Some are teenagers, while others are quite old. We all can learn more about ourselves, and how to cope in this world by engaging in these forums. I hope you will stay and get to feeling a little more positive about your life.

 

[Suzanne]

No, is the answer; that has to be your choice alone.

However, I am 48 and although I am married, I do not drive; I do not have a job. I have ptsd too and get extremely anxious when even a tiny bit of my day is changed. Have chronic social phobia and as soon as I see one person outside, I hide away. I hate answering the phone.

Having 13 euros in my purse, I feel rich. I have no recognised skills. When asked what did you do today? I usually say: only ask when you are ready for bed, for my life is so full, that it will send you to sleep!

However, I am learning that ironically, the social phobia etc, could be to my benefit, judging by all the diseases that are flying around, from being a jet setter.

There are people in my life who has caused ptsd and it has got to the point, that even if I see they have tried to contact me, I go into a ptsd meltdown, so it is not to be spoken of.

I am told: the best revenge is to become successful. The trouble is, when those who caused all the hell are very successful in life and you are unable to due to all the issues you have; pretty hard to achieve.

My husband is a great gardener, but a low earner and although I have much potential as a high earner; I am scared to try anything and so, we are stuck being on the low income, but strangely enough, I actually rather enjoy negiotiating our bank balance as I am the book keeper.

 

[lostinlife]

Why do you think you have “Limited intelligence?” You write very well here. I do not believe it!

Yes, my writing can seem ok but the same can be said about everyone. There is nothing exceptional about me. If I was intelligent then I would be able to start a business or get a well paying job by now and get the hell away from my parents. My dad is only making the situation worse as he is always rude and abusive towards me.

Almost everyone I have met in real life has expressed in some way that I am really dumb or retarded. So there has to be some truth to it. In my opinion calling someone retarded is the worst insult ever. I know I am an idiot but hearing it from others still hurts like hell.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

. If I was intelligent then I would be able to start a business or get a well paying job by now and get the hell away from my parents. My dad is only making the situation worse as he is always rude and abusive towards me.

Maybe you cant start this life style, because this is not what you truly want to do inside you, you get that feeling inside you that you want to be better than people who are rude to you all the time, but , is revenge a life long purpose in life? Realy? Will that make you feel complete once it is eventually done?

There is a difference between being intelligent , and being able to express it, and being able to canalyze it, one common thing in asperger is that people tends to think sometime too fast to stay focus on the same subject for a long period of time for instance ( i dont know if its commorbid or directly asd related but we tallked about it with my therapist, we reached the point where she read me like an open book while i didnt tell here some stuff I experience.)

I Studied Law, because I wanted to be successfull, I wanted to have a well paid job and recognition...
It took me 7 years to get a 3 years degree ( I wont talk here about all the shitstorm in my head that was going on during this period).

The last year I managed to do a semester work in 1 week, and I got to tell you that I was motivated by the worst intents, just like you say in this topic, wrong road bro, do not take it.

I was Lying to myself, The 10 YO me never wanted to play this game, Never wanted to be part of that, I never felt good in this social group. I actually want to care about people.


You are not a mean person, you are not a retard, you dont have to feel bad about who you are , start thinking about the positive things you want to do in your life, not against others, not for recognition, for yourself.

This sounds terribly cliché but this is god damn true, I know that you dont have the mindset to think about that at the moment, but write it somewhere on your desk and think about it from times to times, it will come eventually.

Also try to think about what you coud do today to make your life better tomorrow.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

If I was intelligent then I would be able to start a business or get a well paying job by now and get the hell away from my parents home

These have little to do with intelligence

More dedication, application.

Social skills are often the problem.

You have to break the big ideas down into little ones.

1. Sleep for 9 hours
2. Get up at 7am

What time do you get up in the morning?


Make a list of everything you do

What can you change easily?

 

[lostinlife]

Maybe you cant start this life style, because this is not what you truly want to do inside you, you get that feeling inside you that you want to be better than people who are rude to you all the time, but , is revenge a life long purpose in life? Realy? Will that make you feel complete once it is eventually done?

I can't believe that's the actual case. I want a lifestyle like that more than anything. I might be wrong but I think my problem is that I am not receiving enough assistance from others. That's what's keeping me behind. In my opinion, no one can be successful by themselves. There's always some behind them. In my life, I never had such a person, No one showed me any kindness, no one bothered to listen to my problems. I was always pushed aside, even by my own parents.

If someone took good care of me and took the time to teach me some life skills then I feel my life would be in a much better position by now.

I Studied Law, because I wanted to be successfull, I wanted to have a well paid job and recognition...
It took me 7 years to get a 3 years degree ( I wont talk here about all the shitstorm in my head that was going on during this period).

So you took 7 years to complete that degree. I know the pain too, I am pursuing a 4 year engineering degree myself and it will take me about 5 years. Sucks to see everyone else progressing and see yourself stuck because of a harder life.

 

[lostinlife]

These have little to do with intelligence

More dedication, application.

Social skills are often the problem.

You have to break the big ideas down into little ones.

1. Sleep for 9 hours
2. Get up at 7am

What time do you get up in the morning?


Make a list of everything you do

What can you change easily?

Currently I fall asleep around 1 am and wake up at 7 am. I have tried sleeping for 9 or 10 hours but when I wake up, I feel like crap.

There isn't much that I can change easily. I spend most of my time in front of my laptop because I have no other choice. The only place I go outside my home is my university. That's it. That all I do in a day. Sometimes I try to read motivational books, but they are for NT people. What works for them doesn't for me.

I tried to read the famous How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie and it didn't do me much help. It's for people who already possess some amount of social skills but don't see how to improve them. I need something a lot more basic. Something that explains all the stuff has to do with communication and social skills. I don't know if such a book exists.

I get that you want me to change my habits. But those aren't in my control. If I could go outside, do stuff or make friends I would have already done that. My social skills are limiting me in that area.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

Well being so behind in term of study , and socially ( always been single, and other stuff, 26 still living with my parents etc.) was part of the reason why I started looking for a diagnosis, i realized I couldnt go on with life without any idea of what I am.

You can't believe this is your case, ofc everyone is different and you have the right to wish for a job granting you a wealthy lifestyle no problem. This is about you , you need your answers, what I wanted to say is that you need to listen to yourself deeper, even if it hurst and doesnt bring the answer you wanted to find, they are part of you and if you refuse them you will make bad decisions your entiere life.

Ofc get the help to finish the degree you started you are close to getting it , and I think a degree in science in general is more suited for an aspi right? You can do something that matchs your tastes more easely right?

In hightschool I was in the science section , i mean my first general degree is science related but my last year was so bad( socially and all the rest ) that it made me quit science in general. No regret thought because I felt unable to do that anyway at that time.

We have made choices that will have lasting consequences in our life for years, that is the way it is.

I think I have a few supportive friends and parents that care about me , they are always with a good intention even if they are often rude to me, so I have more luck than you.

BUT, when it comes to the real deal, the internal struggle that you and I are facing, we are alone realy.
We are too old to be supported by our parents the way we want.
And anyway, mine are completely rejecting my diagnosis , they are supportive but they dont understand it hurts me to not be able to talk about who i am , this is a taboo because it reflects their own flaws, and my relationship with my mother is getting a bit toxic at the moment. ( I think they both have mental issues, father asd for sure my mother i dont realy know ).

So when it comes to the real things, we are alone, the only thing we can have is professionnal helps and maybe some friends or around the place your study you can have some help on how to work , but i guess you have a good method because you just needed one more year and its quite common.

One other thing is that we may not take the help people want to give us, we may not even see it.

 

[ECM2018]

Do you have hobbies? What are you "passionate" about? Is there anything you can occupy your mind with that is not painful?

 

[lostinlife]

And anyway, mine are completely rejecting my diagnosis , they are supportive but they dont understand it hurts me to not be able to talk about who i am , this is a taboo because it reflects their own flaws, and my relationship with my mother is getting a bit toxic at the moment. ( I think they both have mental issues, father asd for sure my mother i dont realy know ).

I sympathize with you. My parents have mental issues too (specially my father) and it is hard living with them. They don't see their mistakes and always point out mine. My mother's a bit forgiving but sometimes she sucks too.

You are still living with your parents? Do you feel that you will be able to move out in the future?