Jane Smith
Well-Known Member
Hello all,
It's been a while since I've been on here. Let me re-introduce myself. My name is Jane. I haven't been diagnosed as an Aspie, however, I do have a lot of traits. I also have PTSD.
One trait I have is that I get stimulated easily by lights, sounds, touch, and stress. If I get over stimulated I shut down. Typically, shut downs happen in my room. I have been in therapy for years, and know an escape plan when a melt down happens. Since I have PTSD I also have to deal with dissociation, too.
Last Saturday, I had my first meltdown in public, and I was devastated. Ever since then I have been depressed, and my senses are in over drive. I don't know how to calm down. I feel humiliated, embarrassed, and ashamed. I didn't know who to talk to about this. My therapist understood, and talked to me about it, but everything was too much.
I tried listening to music, taking a bath (it can cut down on stimulus), laying in bed, and going outside. Nothing helps. So, I went on here because I thought maybe you guys would understand.
What contributed to this? Well, it's a long story....
1. My college school schedule requires me to be there from 9-5. It's an all day activity, and a lot of the students at my school like to harass women.
2. My sister, who lives with me, is suicidal and talks about wanting to kill herself often. She tells me all of her problems, and when I ask her to talk to her therapist, she gets mad at me.
3. I have been trying to move out, but I am having trouble finding work.
4. And here's the doozy:
I have another Aspie in my life who I love very much. He loves me, too. We've been keeping everything on the down low, but we've been spending a lot of time together for the past year or so. Being with him is a nice break from my life. We get each other.
Both of our schedules are insane, so our hang outs are pretty silent. We both just listen to music, or do some work. if he needs to shut down, I let him, and he does the same for me. No matter how crazy things got, we would find time for each other--even if it was for an hour or so.
I am 30 and he was 40. He's a good father, and loves his kids.
John works at the company near me. We would eat lunch at a neighboring cafe. A lot of other women who worked with him had a crush on him, too. They'd see me hanging out with him, come up to me and tell me "to stop talking to him" and to "leave him alone". That I was "adding to the stress he deals with" and to "back off". I was confused by this. I didn't think I was adding to his stress. Or at least if I was, he wasn't telling me.
I talked to John about this. He got upset, and told me he liked seeing me very much. He didn't want it to stop.
I believed his word over theirs. It was great, and we didn't have any problems for a while.
Regardless, the other women started to brag. They would talk about "how much John talked to them" over me. My sister also has a huge crush on him and tells me all the time. One time she even said she wanted to sleep with him. I told her to stop, but she said I was over reacting. She then said she was going to be working on the same project as him in the future. She told me "how much fun they were going to have together".
When I confront her again, she says I am over reacting. She was just "teasing" and that I am being too sensitive.
I tried talking to John again. Now, he is visibly upset, and hurt. Not at me. Just the situation. I understand why. We cared for each other deeply, and that was kind of obvious. I felt bad that I let the girls get to my head.
I was even afraid to talk about the situation on here because my sister would use this site to find more information. She promised she wouldn't read my posts, but it was still leery.
Last Saturday, my sister asked to join John and I during one of our dates. They were started on something new at work, and they were put on the same team. For some reason I agreed. I don't know why. John and her are friends. They get along. When she asked to come with me, I thought it would be controlling to say no. In retrospect, I see how stupid this was, and that I was being manipulated. It was inappropriate for her to be there.
The hang out goes VERY POORLY, for obvious reasons. When I go to the hang out, I am a boiling point and I feel like I am going to scream. John can tell. I try to hide it because I don't want to be an inconvenience, and the situation felt insane. However, I can't hold it.
I have a complete melt down. As I do, I try and stop myself. John was sitting right there and I had never shut down like THIS in front of him before. I can't stop. The shut down is happening and I can't hit the breaks. Keep in mind that I also have PTSD. In my house hold growing up it was NOT OKAY TO HAVE THESE SORTS OF MELT DOWNS. If you did, you got punished. So, even though it's not a good idea, I try and make it stop.
John and I are both graphic designers. Sometimes he looks at my work to help me with it. I do the same for him. He points to my website name and says it out loud. My website's name is my name.
Instead of saying my name, though, he says my sister's.
I lose it and now I am exploding outwards. My body goes on autopilot. I am not controlling anything I am doing anymore. I am furious.
"My name is Jane. Don't worry, though! Katy's right over there. Go talk to her"
This made no sense. Obviously he knew my name. We had been seeing each for a year. But by that point I was so confused I truly believed he forgot my name for a second. He can see that I am angry and tries to get my attention.
"Jane, I said J T. I did not say Katy"
Jane is my first name and T was my middle initial. So, i could see the confusion. However, it didn't matter anymore. I was gone. He starts to speak to me in a specific tone and says "Jane" "Jane" "Jane?" over and over to bring me back.
I turn away from him and move to another table. It felt childish, and I could see he was trying to help. But, I just needed to decompress. John keeps asking me questions, and finally gets me back into the conversation.
I try my best to become a part of it, but it doesn't really work. We both left in a strange mood. He was concerned, hurt, and confused. I was angry. I could tell by the look in his eyes he honestly didn't mean to say Katy's name.
Katy seemed oblivious to the whole thing. She couldn't figure out why "John was so upset". I explained to her it probably had to deal with my attitude. She said that "she highly doubted it" and added "If I can't tell when you're angry, then he sure as hell can't!"
John and our dates have been exactly the same for the past year. They're always quiet, calm, and collected. We're typically in peace with each other. Once Katy showed up, that changed. I was no longer sitting next to him and was not responding in the way I normally would.
Humiliated, I sent John an e-mail apologizing for the way I acted. Then I became severely depressed. I am so over stimulated I can't bring myself to answer messages, e-mails or phone calls unless it's school/work related.
I know I need to talk to John and tell him the whole story, but I just can't find the strength. I tried to find a way to calm down but I can't. I am too upset. Too much is going on. I thought maybe if I wrote my story on here it would help.
When you feel over stimulated like this, what do you do? Do you have certain coping mechanisms?
Even if you don't know how to help, thank you for at least hearing the story. Being able to write it all down makes me feel a lot better.
It's been a while since I've been on here. Let me re-introduce myself. My name is Jane. I haven't been diagnosed as an Aspie, however, I do have a lot of traits. I also have PTSD.
One trait I have is that I get stimulated easily by lights, sounds, touch, and stress. If I get over stimulated I shut down. Typically, shut downs happen in my room. I have been in therapy for years, and know an escape plan when a melt down happens. Since I have PTSD I also have to deal with dissociation, too.
Last Saturday, I had my first meltdown in public, and I was devastated. Ever since then I have been depressed, and my senses are in over drive. I don't know how to calm down. I feel humiliated, embarrassed, and ashamed. I didn't know who to talk to about this. My therapist understood, and talked to me about it, but everything was too much.
I tried listening to music, taking a bath (it can cut down on stimulus), laying in bed, and going outside. Nothing helps. So, I went on here because I thought maybe you guys would understand.
What contributed to this? Well, it's a long story....
1. My college school schedule requires me to be there from 9-5. It's an all day activity, and a lot of the students at my school like to harass women.
2. My sister, who lives with me, is suicidal and talks about wanting to kill herself often. She tells me all of her problems, and when I ask her to talk to her therapist, she gets mad at me.
3. I have been trying to move out, but I am having trouble finding work.
4. And here's the doozy:
I have another Aspie in my life who I love very much. He loves me, too. We've been keeping everything on the down low, but we've been spending a lot of time together for the past year or so. Being with him is a nice break from my life. We get each other.
Both of our schedules are insane, so our hang outs are pretty silent. We both just listen to music, or do some work. if he needs to shut down, I let him, and he does the same for me. No matter how crazy things got, we would find time for each other--even if it was for an hour or so.
I am 30 and he was 40. He's a good father, and loves his kids.
John works at the company near me. We would eat lunch at a neighboring cafe. A lot of other women who worked with him had a crush on him, too. They'd see me hanging out with him, come up to me and tell me "to stop talking to him" and to "leave him alone". That I was "adding to the stress he deals with" and to "back off". I was confused by this. I didn't think I was adding to his stress. Or at least if I was, he wasn't telling me.
I talked to John about this. He got upset, and told me he liked seeing me very much. He didn't want it to stop.
I believed his word over theirs. It was great, and we didn't have any problems for a while.
Regardless, the other women started to brag. They would talk about "how much John talked to them" over me. My sister also has a huge crush on him and tells me all the time. One time she even said she wanted to sleep with him. I told her to stop, but she said I was over reacting. She then said she was going to be working on the same project as him in the future. She told me "how much fun they were going to have together".
When I confront her again, she says I am over reacting. She was just "teasing" and that I am being too sensitive.
I tried talking to John again. Now, he is visibly upset, and hurt. Not at me. Just the situation. I understand why. We cared for each other deeply, and that was kind of obvious. I felt bad that I let the girls get to my head.
I was even afraid to talk about the situation on here because my sister would use this site to find more information. She promised she wouldn't read my posts, but it was still leery.
Last Saturday, my sister asked to join John and I during one of our dates. They were started on something new at work, and they were put on the same team. For some reason I agreed. I don't know why. John and her are friends. They get along. When she asked to come with me, I thought it would be controlling to say no. In retrospect, I see how stupid this was, and that I was being manipulated. It was inappropriate for her to be there.
The hang out goes VERY POORLY, for obvious reasons. When I go to the hang out, I am a boiling point and I feel like I am going to scream. John can tell. I try to hide it because I don't want to be an inconvenience, and the situation felt insane. However, I can't hold it.
I have a complete melt down. As I do, I try and stop myself. John was sitting right there and I had never shut down like THIS in front of him before. I can't stop. The shut down is happening and I can't hit the breaks. Keep in mind that I also have PTSD. In my house hold growing up it was NOT OKAY TO HAVE THESE SORTS OF MELT DOWNS. If you did, you got punished. So, even though it's not a good idea, I try and make it stop.
John and I are both graphic designers. Sometimes he looks at my work to help me with it. I do the same for him. He points to my website name and says it out loud. My website's name is my name.
Instead of saying my name, though, he says my sister's.
I lose it and now I am exploding outwards. My body goes on autopilot. I am not controlling anything I am doing anymore. I am furious.
"My name is Jane. Don't worry, though! Katy's right over there. Go talk to her"
This made no sense. Obviously he knew my name. We had been seeing each for a year. But by that point I was so confused I truly believed he forgot my name for a second. He can see that I am angry and tries to get my attention.
"Jane, I said J T. I did not say Katy"
Jane is my first name and T was my middle initial. So, i could see the confusion. However, it didn't matter anymore. I was gone. He starts to speak to me in a specific tone and says "Jane" "Jane" "Jane?" over and over to bring me back.
I turn away from him and move to another table. It felt childish, and I could see he was trying to help. But, I just needed to decompress. John keeps asking me questions, and finally gets me back into the conversation.
I try my best to become a part of it, but it doesn't really work. We both left in a strange mood. He was concerned, hurt, and confused. I was angry. I could tell by the look in his eyes he honestly didn't mean to say Katy's name.
Katy seemed oblivious to the whole thing. She couldn't figure out why "John was so upset". I explained to her it probably had to deal with my attitude. She said that "she highly doubted it" and added "If I can't tell when you're angry, then he sure as hell can't!"
John and our dates have been exactly the same for the past year. They're always quiet, calm, and collected. We're typically in peace with each other. Once Katy showed up, that changed. I was no longer sitting next to him and was not responding in the way I normally would.
Humiliated, I sent John an e-mail apologizing for the way I acted. Then I became severely depressed. I am so over stimulated I can't bring myself to answer messages, e-mails or phone calls unless it's school/work related.
I know I need to talk to John and tell him the whole story, but I just can't find the strength. I tried to find a way to calm down but I can't. I am too upset. Too much is going on. I thought maybe if I wrote my story on here it would help.
When you feel over stimulated like this, what do you do? Do you have certain coping mechanisms?
Even if you don't know how to help, thank you for at least hearing the story. Being able to write it all down makes me feel a lot better.
