dark cloud
Well-Known Member
I am new member. If my english is not that good i apologize i'ts because my national language is greek. Google translate helped me. Most of the time i feel emptiness and boredom. I don't belong anywhere. Since i was a child i believed that another children are better and superior than me. They had willpower, more social skills and were more mature. At my childhood the most of the time i was playing videogames and watching cartoons. My friends didn't like me and made fun of me. I believe i've been through lots of loneliness. As a teenager i wanted a friend to like me and take care of me. I had friends but i stayed with them because i was afraid of loneliness not because i liked them.
Also i thought i had some kind of a problem. In my puberty i had an obsession with squidward tentacles and my classmates mocked me and my mother was angry telling me it's not normal. I didn't understand why and i didn't do any thoughts on it to understand why. I didn't have and still i have not any eye contact with anyone. I had fights with my mother for that because she thought i didn't listen to her. Also my stimming she called it i act like retard. I was annoyed but i could not understand why i do this. My mother is not bad i know she loves me but she's closed minded. As a teenager i kinda understood i am a little different. I was egocentric and childike. My peers girls were interesting about boys and were feminine, i was watching spongebob all day and i had a ponytail , glasses, i was a little fat, i was like a tomboy. I was ashamed about my body especially my breasts. School never interest me so i didn't study at all. Too bad because i didn't go to college.
One day i went to a psychologist at my 14 years. I didn't want too but my mother insist. Because i had lots of anger and i didn't want my mother to hug me. And she told my parents that may i have asperger. Here in greece we don't know much about asperger and autism. Any psychologists i went they told me i look like an autistic but they are not sure. My mother cried telling me it's her fault or she denial. My father and my mother always acted like i was a child even now that i am 25 year old adult. But not to my sister because she seems ''normal'' or because i don't have a job and i'm not so independent like my older sister. I was not sure either about asperger. I needed a sure name for what i am so i can have the right support. But noone ever give me some sure diagnosis about anything. I tried to diagnose myself with other things like borderline disorder, avoidable disorder, social anxious, peter pan sydrome etc. But it didn't felt right. But i believe i have depression. I understand autistics people on many things especially in their social life. I have autistics traits but not all of them.
I am little jealous other autistic people who are genius and charismatic because other people think they are special. I also jealous other autistic who have difficulties or many differences from a young age, i mean when they are little kids. I can explain. Because they can tell clearly what is happening and what they feel and they have attention and awareness by others and can have (i guess) the support they deserve and need. I never pretend to be normal and always was the person who is problematic or invisible. The only thing i know for sure is i always was social awkward but alcohol can be helpful and can't stand sudden and loud noises, they scare me and make me jump but ironically i love white noises. That's what i do most of the time, i listening white noises in my room. And i don't like to be touched. Some people told me i don't do much expressions and have monotonous voice but this is because when i was a kid and a teenager and show my feelings so much they made fun of me or telling me to stop.
I still can't explain right what is happening inside me. I am confused. I feel like i am empty inside. I am introvert and hold it all inside and many times i can't explain who i am and what i want. But i don't want to end up alone in life but i am afraid that this is exactly is going to happen. I came here so i can read another autistics experiences and maybe i understand myself better.
Also i thought i had some kind of a problem. In my puberty i had an obsession with squidward tentacles and my classmates mocked me and my mother was angry telling me it's not normal. I didn't understand why and i didn't do any thoughts on it to understand why. I didn't have and still i have not any eye contact with anyone. I had fights with my mother for that because she thought i didn't listen to her. Also my stimming she called it i act like retard. I was annoyed but i could not understand why i do this. My mother is not bad i know she loves me but she's closed minded. As a teenager i kinda understood i am a little different. I was egocentric and childike. My peers girls were interesting about boys and were feminine, i was watching spongebob all day and i had a ponytail , glasses, i was a little fat, i was like a tomboy. I was ashamed about my body especially my breasts. School never interest me so i didn't study at all. Too bad because i didn't go to college.
One day i went to a psychologist at my 14 years. I didn't want too but my mother insist. Because i had lots of anger and i didn't want my mother to hug me. And she told my parents that may i have asperger. Here in greece we don't know much about asperger and autism. Any psychologists i went they told me i look like an autistic but they are not sure. My mother cried telling me it's her fault or she denial. My father and my mother always acted like i was a child even now that i am 25 year old adult. But not to my sister because she seems ''normal'' or because i don't have a job and i'm not so independent like my older sister. I was not sure either about asperger. I needed a sure name for what i am so i can have the right support. But noone ever give me some sure diagnosis about anything. I tried to diagnose myself with other things like borderline disorder, avoidable disorder, social anxious, peter pan sydrome etc. But it didn't felt right. But i believe i have depression. I understand autistics people on many things especially in their social life. I have autistics traits but not all of them.
I am little jealous other autistic people who are genius and charismatic because other people think they are special. I also jealous other autistic who have difficulties or many differences from a young age, i mean when they are little kids. I can explain. Because they can tell clearly what is happening and what they feel and they have attention and awareness by others and can have (i guess) the support they deserve and need. I never pretend to be normal and always was the person who is problematic or invisible. The only thing i know for sure is i always was social awkward but alcohol can be helpful and can't stand sudden and loud noises, they scare me and make me jump but ironically i love white noises. That's what i do most of the time, i listening white noises in my room. And i don't like to be touched. Some people told me i don't do much expressions and have monotonous voice but this is because when i was a kid and a teenager and show my feelings so much they made fun of me or telling me to stop.
I still can't explain right what is happening inside me. I am confused. I feel like i am empty inside. I am introvert and hold it all inside and many times i can't explain who i am and what i want. But i don't want to end up alone in life but i am afraid that this is exactly is going to happen. I came here so i can read another autistics experiences and maybe i understand myself better.
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