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Hello

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by dark cloud, Apr 6, 2020.

  1. dark cloud

    dark cloud New Member

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    I am new member. If my english is not that good i apologize i'ts because my national language is greek. Google translate helped me. Most of the time i feel emptiness and boredom. I don't belong anywhere. Since i was a child i believed that another children are better and superior than me. They had willpower, more social skills and were more mature. At my childhood the most of the time i was playing videogames and watching cartoons. My friends didn't like me and made fun of me. I believe i've been through lots of loneliness. As a teenager i wanted a friend to like me and take care of me. I had friends but i stayed with them because i was afraid of loneliness not because i liked them.

    Also i thought i had some kind of a problem. In my puberty i had an obsession with squidward tentacles and my classmates mocked me and my mother was angry telling me it's not normal. I didn't understand why and i didn't do any thoughts on it to understand why. I didn't have and still i have not any eye contact with anyone. I had fights with my mother for that because she thought i didn't listen to her. Also my stimming she called it i act like retard. I was annoyed but i could not understand why i do this. My mother is not bad i know she loves me but she's closed minded. As a teenager i kinda understood i am a little different. I was egocentric and childike. My peers girls were interesting about boys and were feminine, i was watching spongebob all day and i had a ponytail , glasses, i was a little fat, i was like a tomboy. I was ashamed about my body especially my breasts. School never interest me so i didn't study at all. Too bad because i didn't go to college.

    One day i went to a psychologist at my 14 years. I didn't want too but my mother insist. Because i had lots of anger and i didn't want my mother to hug me. And she told my parents that may i have asperger. Here in greece we don't know much about asperger and autism. Any psychologists i went they told me i look like an autistic but they are not sure. My mother cried telling me it's her fault or she denial. My father and my mother always acted like i was a child even now that i am 25 year old adult. But not to my sister because she seems ''normal'' or because i don't have a job and i'm not so independent like my older sister. I was not sure either about asperger. I needed a sure name for what i am so i can have the right support. But noone ever give me some sure diagnosis about anything. I tried to diagnose myself with other things like borderline disorder, avoidable disorder, social anxious, peter pan sydrome etc. But it didn't felt right. But i believe i have depression. I understand autistics people on many things especially in their social life. I have autistics traits but not all of them.

    I am little jealous other autistic people who are genius and charismatic because other people think they are special. I also jealous other autistic who have difficulties or many differences from a young age, i mean when they are little kids. I can explain. Because they can tell clearly what is happening and what they feel and they have attention and awareness by others and can have (i guess) the support they deserve and need. I never pretend to be normal and always was the person who is problematic or invisible. The only thing i know for sure is i always was social awkward but alcohol can be helpful and can't stand sudden and loud noises, they scare me and make me jump but ironically i love white noises. That's what i do most of the time, i listening white noises in my room. And i don't like to be touched. Some people told me i don't do much expressions and have monotonous voice but this is because when i was a kid and a teenager and show my feelings so much they made fun of me or telling me to stop.

    I still can't explain right what is happening inside me. I am confused. I feel like i am empty inside. I am introvert and hold it all inside and many times i can't explain who i am and what i want. But i don't want to end up alone in life but i am afraid that this is exactly is going to happen. I came here so i can read another autistics experiences and maybe i understand myself better.
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2020
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  2. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    upload_2020-4-6_11-53-2.png
     
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  3. dark cloud

    dark cloud New Member

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    Hi tree !
     
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  4. Michael Balog

    Michael Balog Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi dark cloud. Welcome to the site!
     
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  5. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi and welcome, things sound tough for you, I hope you will find it supportive and interesting here.

    :sunflower::blossom::cherryblossom::tulip::hibiscus::blossom::sunflower::cat:
     
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  6. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member

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    Kalispera

    Welcome Dark Cloud.
    Just thought I would use one of the 2 words in Greek I know to welcome you


    Please have a look at the threads we have in the Forums - lots of good info there
     
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  7. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    Hi, welcome. I also live in Greece too and yes, there is little autism awareness, the country is behind in that respect - people don't know what it is and how it can affect people. A psychiatrist I spoke to said that he didn't think that adults could be diagnosed with it, only children.
     
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  8. Nitro

    Nitro Admin/Immoral Turpitude Staff Member Admin V.I.P Member

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    Hi dark cloud :)

    welcome to af.png
     
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  9. Giraffes

    Giraffes Active Member

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    Welcome, life has been difficult my home is that finding this forum will offer you support, understanding and a place where you are accepted.
     
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  10. Giraffes

    Giraffes Active Member

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    Apology i meant to write hope not home Lol
     
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  11. dark cloud

    dark cloud New Member

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    Thank you all Michael Balog , Thinx ,
    Alexej and Progster . ! I am glad i have people here with same or similar experiences.
    Alexej if you like to know in greek the word kalispera is καλησπέρα ! .
    Progster that's why i believe i never will get an official diagnosis although i have the most ''known'' autistic trait , i don't have eye contact .
     
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  12. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    I understand this. I didn't like male involvement in high school. I was a tom boy. I drew a lot of attention because l am very feminine looking. Have problems with not wanting friends and not feeling lonely, opposite of you. People where l live are busy trying to impress me with what??? I don't want to be you, l don't want to know you- what's the big deal here?
    As you see- being on the spectrum just presents with many issues and people can't manipulate us which only adds to more frustration. I do have two people l consider very neat people in my life. Maybe you can just take it slow and find your passion in life now.
    Hey welcome to the site!!
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2020
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  13. dark cloud

    dark cloud New Member

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  14. dark cloud

    dark cloud New Member

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    Aspychata i consider you lucky. Nobody and i mean nobody was trying to impress me. Many act like i am invisible. I am not so much feminine. Your right maybe i must find my passion in life .
     
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  15. dark cloud

    dark cloud New Member

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    Hi Nitro !!!
     
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  16. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to Autism Forums!
     
  17. Wolf Prince

    Wolf Prince My future job title.

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  18. dark cloud

    dark cloud New Member

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    Hi clg114 and Wolf Prince thank you !
     
  19. Darwin

    Darwin Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Some autistic traits are not bad at all. Sometimes you just need to be proud of yourself and make use of those special traits. You can, for example, obsess about something and get much information about it and become very knowledgeable about it. Follow your passion!

    I have only been diagnosed recently, and I lived my entire childhood not knowing about autism. It’s great, though, now that you know, isn’t it?
     
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  20. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Not sure if it is great. It's more of an acceptance for me.
     
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