Having a girlfriend

[AO1501]

I've had relationships, and was married for many years, but the lesson I learned from it is that not knowing how to be independent and understanding myself properly first, was always going to make it easy to end up making a mistake with others.

So I spent some years alone, taking care of myself, learning properly about myself, my strengths and weaknesses, so that when I met my new partner, I knew she was the right person for me, because I knew myself well enough to understand what she could bring to my life, and what I wanted.

We got married last Saturday, and I know this is not a mistake.

 

[sabrdawg]

I'm 35 and have never held hands with or kissed anyone romantically, either. I'm aromantic and asexual. The idea just doesn't appeal to me.

 

[abby normal]

having the genes and expectations but with no social outlet is a tough deal.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I had a girlfriend in high school and then nothing for 6 years. Then I met and married my wife through a set of circumstances that I can only describe as miraculous - situations that provided the social interaction for me that I could not provide for myself.

We have been married for over two decades.

Everyone comments on how unalike we are. She is kind, caring, artistic, musical, and always the life of the party. I'm geeky, bookish, and boring. But we are perfect complements for each other, covering each other's deficits and enhancing each other's gifts. If I looked for someone like me or even with the same interests, I don't think our marriage would be this good.

 

[abby normal]

some people have all the luck.

 

[samthefootball]

I agree with what people say loving myself is the most important thing first and don't look so desperate

 

[Tom]

Have been married 32 years.

 

[Ivy Wells]

I had a slew of boyfriends growing up but that was because i was desperate for validation that i was a "normal girl" but when after turning 19 I met my husband who is an aspie himself i was the first girlfriend he had had in 3 years. he is 27 years old and he had always had issues connecting with girls, and when he did have relationships with a goal in mind he always wanted something out of them, until he met me apparently lol. In fact his first romantic ish words to me were "i i'm into you but it's okay if you're not into me too, i just want you as someone in my life." i though t it was incredibly endearing, especially with how nervous he was. But some other girls would have found it super off-putting, or weird. What I'm trying to say is you might not have met the right type of girl who will understand and accept and possibly even be charmed by your social issues, i sure was by my husband and still am every day.

 

[samthefootball]

awww thats lovely Ivy

 

[balsabonbon]

I've spent most of my adult life in some form or other of a negative relationship. It was only recently that I finally allowed myself to be alone, to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I got to where I was both independent and content to be alone (although still a bit lonely sometimes). I figured out what was important to me and what I would and wouldn't compromise on.

Oddly enough, once I got to where I was actually content and happy to be alone was when I made a connection with my current partner. I didn't see that coming at all! I thought I'd spend the rest of my life alone, because I just couldn't see meeting anyone who'd fit in my life and in whose life I would fit as well.

 

[LearnedCoward]

It’s more that girls on online dating sites are swamped with hundreds, if not thousands of messages from men. It’s really hard to stand out in a crowd.

Yeah, this. Especially messages from men looking for "a girlfriend" but who have no connection or attachment to the person they're messaging. If all they want is a warm body, it really shows.

My $0.02: put some thought, personality, and originality into the message, as well as your profile. This is the bare minimum for online dating. I'm not saying this will guarantee you success, but it's necessary for success and is a step in the right direction.

Also, online dating is a total crapshoot. Even if someone has the same interests as you, or some kind of common ground, you don't know who they are as a person. You don't know if your personalities are compatible even if your interests are. You don't even know if they're a decent person. Plus, all of this is even assuming people are replying to you and meeting up with you in real life. You might find success, but you will find failure. If you're the kind of person who enjoys casually dating (I hate it) you will have fun. Otherwise, be prepared for stress and difficulty.

Also, don’t expect finding someone to suddenly change your life. Heaping expectations like that on people is a good way to scare them off before you even have the chance to really get to know each other.

So much this.

I ran into this issue in my last relationship. I was at what was probably the lowest point in my life. I met someone who was really great for me, but then expected them to solve all my problems for me. It is not their position to do that, and it was massively unfair of me to expect that, even though I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I didn't love myself first either, and overall I was in no position to be dating anybody.

If I had met her or started dating her months later when I was at a better point in my life, we might be married by now. No joke, we were that good of a fit. But as they say, live and learn, crash and burn.

Don’t get too worked up over it, don’t look too hard, just work on developing and improving yourself into the person you want to be, and you will be much more of an attractive partner to someone who likes you for you.

Yes.

Of course, it's easy for me to say this as a late-30s man who's had his share of relationships, both good and bad.

I'm not sure if I agree with this because of life experience or because of comfort.

 

[LearnedCoward]

We got married last Saturday, and I know this is not a mistake.

Congrats!!!

 

[Rayner]

I've been in one relationship, with the same person since I was 16 and she was 18. We have lived together most of our relationship.

"Like a high maintenance pet, but more expensive." There is kind of a lot of truth to that LOL.

QUOTE="Gritches, post: 524999, member: 15436"]I was 19 or 20 before I had my first girlfiend (that was a typo, but it's so fitting that I'm leaving it).

In my experience, a girlfriend is like a high-maintenance pet, but more expensive. Then again, I've never really liked any of my girlfriends; I was with them for all the wrong reasons because I was a profoundly selfish person.[/QUOTE]

 

[Dwoops]

I’m 19 and a junior in college, I’m in the same boat as many here, never have had a girlfriend, never kissed someone or held hands, etc.
I am glad this thread started as I was actually thinking of starting something similar. I’ll just put it here.
Whenever I meet someone that I might want to get to know better I always try to become their friend(always meaning like 1 time, being now). Now that we are friends I have a better feeling for who they are as a person and what they are like. I’m now ready to maybe ask them out or something but I am hesitant. I’m worried that if they do not feel the same way it could affect our friendship negatively, and I don’t want to ruin the friendship no matter what happens. I will not have a problem if they reject me, but I understand that they might view it as awkward. It seems like a weird conundrum to me as anyone who I would potentially ask out I would want as a friend because they would be a nice person. Hence I don’t want to ruin one of my few friendships and don’t know what to do.
I guess if anyone can offer advice it’d be useful or maybe go into a bit of detail on your experiences.
And as a side note, I really wish there was a resource to learn all of this social stuff. I have no clue what is appropriate or how to even get started with asking someone out. Do you just ask boldly? Do you imply it? Do you just ask to do activities without mentioning anything directly?
Thanks in advance for any replies to my question(s).

 

[DCA]

And as a side note, I really wish there was a resource to learn all of this social stuff. I have no clue what is appropriate or how to even get started with asking someone out. Do you just ask boldly? Do you imply it? Do you just ask to do activities without mentioning anything directly?

I wish there was one too, especially when I was younger. Like a book called "Dating for Aspies." My friends or family would give me advise, like just go up to talk to her, etc. Haha, nope. I wouldn't know what to say or do then. I really needed someone to script for me a way to talk to girls or women, but no one was ever able to do that for me. So all of my dates came from on-line, which is easier for me somehow. I couldn't just walk up to someone in a public place and ask someone out. Heck, I couldn't even be in a mixed group of friends & interact at a sufficient level or even know if a female was interested in me to begin with...

 

[Trailblazer24]

And as a side note, I really wish there was a resource to learn all of this social stuff. I have no clue what is appropriate or how to even get started with asking someone out. Do you just ask boldly? Do you imply it? Do you just ask to do activities without mentioning anything directly?
Thanks in advance for any replies to my question(s).

One resource that might be helpful is succeedsocially.com. There are articles that cover basic and advanced conversation techniques that I've applied to social situations with some success. While I haven't used it for asking someone out (yet), I think the advice here could certainly help with that.

 

[Tesseract]

How many people on here are married or have a girlfriend. I am 25 and I have never had a girlfriend, I haven't even had my first kiss or held a girls hand

I'm still single too. After a while - like 30 years - you get used to it. In fact, it gets to the point that if a girl doesn't reject you then you automatically assume there must be something seriously wrong with her.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

How many people on here are married or have a girlfriend. I am 25 and I have never had a girlfriend, I haven't even had my first kiss or held a girls hand

i already kissed somebody.we almost kissed at the mall.months after,she dumped me,and 5 months after we got back together,she dumps me again.since then i didn't want anyone's help with finding me another girlfriend,until a female friend relentlessly pressured me into going out with someone who i never wanted to go out with ,because she didn't want me,or any of her other friends ending up like her:hurting.she knew i didn't want this,and she does it regardless.and the girl who i was pressured to go out with,she loved me until she used me to make one of her ex-boyfriends jealous.and the ex-boyfriend begged me not to go out with her,and i didn't want to.that girl almost put a hole in my 5 or 6 year bromance (a close,but non-sexual relationship,between two men) & since then i've avoided her left & right,like a ninja

striking her

(avoiding her,whenever i see her),then ends up pressuring me to be opened up to by her whenever she saw me.

 

[Fade2black]

During my teens and early 20's I had no gf. When I was 23 I found a girl who let me have sex with her, so i married her. Big mistake.... Several wives later and into my 40's, I stopped feeling nervous around women and developed a system of dating which would basically allow me to be with a woman long enough to have sex a few times and then the women would realize I had no social skills and they'd cusss me out and leave. Into my early 50's I finally found a woman who has the easygoing demeanor with a soft personality who accepts my shortcomings and sees the real me. We are married now and this is the only close relationship that I have with another person. Long story short, don't give up.

 

[Fade2black]

I'm still single too. After a while - like 30 years - you get used to it. In fact, it gets to the point that if a girl doesn't reject you then you automatically assume there must be something seriously wrong with her.

This made me smile only because I know exactly what you're talking about.