from love to friendship in a day

[Annette]

Hello everyone,

I am new on this forum, and I was hoping you could help me understand the man I was dating..

I am an NT, 28 years old, and I met this man, Erick, 29 years old, on holidays in Czech Republic over winter break. Erick, is a good friend of my friend's boyfriend.

So we met, and we clicked straight ahead. We really got along, only spoke to each other, that same night he told me he loved me (I was very surprised But I thought he was a bit drunk). The next day, all his friends, family, even coworkers knew about me. He was VERY enthusiastic about me, about us. After two days, I left to Switzerland. Of course we kept in touch. He was always saying how much he loved, missed me. He had already planned for me to come to Czech Republic one month later. He told me his mother wanted to meet me etc. He sent me a relationship status on FB. I felt it was going too fast. On top of that, sometimes, he would have massive/intense freak out moments, for some issues that could be solved. He would say things such as he is a burdden for me, that he loves me so much but he would understand if I left him, that he should have never been born etc. I started taking my distance, I did not understand his behavior and it was really affecting me.

A few days ago, he had another melt down, about his dog that was sick, and he barely contacted me, and when he would speak to me, he only mentioned his dog. So eventually, I wrote to him a message telling him that I found him very dramatic about his dog, and that I could not handle his behavior anymore and that it was over. He never replied.

Today, I wrote to him to explain him everything, that I apologize for breaking up with him this way, that I did not like the fact that he would say he loved me, wanted to hug me etc, but did not show anything. Words do not mean anything, if you do not take actions. I did not write to get back together with him just to make sure we are in good terms.

So he answered to me that he apologized etc. and that he has aspergers (he never told me before), and this is why he is acting the way he is, and that he is broken and might never be able to be in a relationship. We had a long conversation sometimes he would be nice, and sometimes pretty harsh, such as when he said that he 'lost a lot whole lot of caring for me when he realized that my priorities are way different than his'. And then, we spoke a bit more and he asked me if I could forgive him for his behavior and if we could start a beautiful friendship. Obviously I said yes. And then we had a nice talk as if we had never ever dated before.

I know I took the initiative To break up and I did not expect for him to still 'love me' but I am confused about how fast, just because of ' differences of priorities' he stopped caring about me? And now, we keep in touch but what if I start developping feelings for him again? Because considering how fast he clearly has moved on, I do not think he would ever be capable of having feelings for me!

If anyone has any tips on how to handle this situation it would be great

Thank you for reading

 

[Suzanne]

Hello Annette

My advice to you is to STAY AWAY from him, for your and his sake. I am an aspie and my husband is an nt but spent most of my life, thinking I was an nt, but without thinking, because I only found out, from being on here, what an nt is lol

A relationship between an nt and an aspie, is a bad mix because even if you want to help and be there, you have your own emotional make up to deal with and rightly so, would expect your partner to show that emotion, but sadly, speaking for myself here, I find it hard to believe my husband has emotions, despite him showing them!

You see, you have already experienced the bizarre behaviour of this guy and this is not just a short term thing, but a part of him!

I get where he is coming from ie falling deep, because when I feel very passionate about something, I am just as bad!

My husband shakes his head in despair because currently I am obsessed with checking my battery on my tablet. He just does not understand why I can't let it run out and then charge it up, but it is more to do, with not understanding it very well and so, yes I keep regular checks to see where I can pinpoint any areas that will get my battery to last longer, but hubs believes I am excessive with it and shakes his head in disgust!

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="Annette,r, that same night he told me he loved me. I felt it was going too fast. On top of that, sometimes, he would have massive/intense freak out moments, for some issues that could be solved. He would say things such as he is a burdden for me, that he loves me so much but he would understand if I left him, that he should have never been born etc. I started taking my distance, I did not understand his behavior and it was really affecting me.[/QUOTE]

Hi Annette have seen this before including the dog meltdown 9 to 1 this is NOT aspergers it looks like classic borderline personality disorder. I don't know if the two are mutually exclusive but claiming aspergers when you have BPD is about like apologizing for burping at the dinner table, after leaving your fork sticking in your sister head.
I feel bad for anyone stuck with BPD but take it from someone who has been there, you had better be made of iron if you want to step in that arena, (arena as in the roman coliseum). I'm a real auti/aspie and every thing you said about him doing, made me shudder, I'm about as opposite as you can get of that.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Annette,

You did the right thing breaking up. I question why you thought you had to apologise, because I found your response not merely reasonable but appropriately distancing.

This guy doesn't just have Asperger's, if he's even telling the truth about that. Based on the story you're telling. He has a lot of issues. Don't make yourself one of them. In My Humble Opinion...it's your choice. But I think you can do better by yourself and for yourself than this guy.

 

[epath13]

Hello everyone,

I am new on this forum, and I was hoping you could help me understand the man I was dating..

I am an NT, 28 years old, and I met this man, Erick, 29 years old, on holidays in Czech Republic over winter break. Erick, is a good friend of my friend's boyfriend.

So we met, and we clicked straight ahead. We really got along, only spoke to each other, that same night he told me he loved me (I was very surprised But I thought he was a bit drunk). The next day, all his friends, family, even coworkers knew about me. He was VERY enthusiastic about me, about us. After two days, I left to Switzerland. Of course we kept in touch. He was always saying how much he loved, missed me. He had already planned for me to come to Czech Republic one month later. He told me his mother wanted to meet me etc. He sent me a relationship status on FB. I felt it was going too fast. On top of that, sometimes, he would have massive/intense freak out moments, for some issues that could be solved. He would say things such as he is a burdden for me, that he loves me so much but he would understand if I left him, that he should have never been born etc. I started taking my distance, I did not understand his behavior and it was really affecting me.

A few days ago, he had another melt down, about his dog that was sick, and he barely contacted me, and when he would speak to me, he only mentioned his dog. So eventually, I wrote to him a message telling him that I found him very dramatic about his dog, and that I could not handle his behavior anymore and that it was over. He never replied.

Today, I wrote to him to explain him everything, that I apologize for breaking up with him this way, that I did not like the fact that he would say he loved me, wanted to hug me etc, but did not show anything. Words do not mean anything, if you do not take actions. I did not write to get back together with him just to make sure we are in good terms.

So he answered to me that he apologized etc. and that he has aspergers (he never told me before), and this is why he is acting the way he is, and that he is broken and might never be able to be in a relationship. We had a long conversation sometimes he would be nice, and sometimes pretty harsh, such as when he said that he 'lost a lot whole lot of caring for me when he realized that my priorities are way different than his'. And then, we spoke a bit more and he asked me if I could forgive him for his behavior and if we could start a beautiful friendship. Obviously I said yes. And then we had a nice talk as if we had never ever dated before.

I know I took the initiative To break up and I did not expect for him to still 'love me' but I am confused about how fast, just because of ' differences of priorities' he stopped caring about me? And now, we keep in touch but what if I start developping feelings for him again? Because considering how fast he clearly has moved on, I do not think he would ever be capable of having feelings for me!

If anyone has any tips on how to handle this situation it would be great

Thank you for reading

Sounds like Asperger's or Autism to me. I'm sure some people are like that. I think he got a little overexcited. He may have been simply obsessed with you. He may call it "love", but, in my opinion, it was obsession. He may have fallen in love with you eventually but it would have to take some time. My kids and I are like that. We can get easily excited about something or someone but when the interest is gone for some reason and if it's not constantly "fueled" up it'll be gone for good. I had a few situations when I felt that I really liked somebody, then something would happen, they are out of my life and I didn't really care any more. Then they would come back and for me it would be like starting all over again, which I didn't always want to do.

You have 2 options, in my opinion: move on or keep going, maybe he'll decide he loves you again. You might find the priorities thing strange, but personal interests and priorities may play very important role for people on the spectrum, sometimes they seem to be more important than emotions. Maybe... and then again, opinion being brutally honest with him would help...like, about your feelings, for instance.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="epath13,[/QUOTE] Love you epath13: but the only thing I ever had on a first date was my foot out the door this guy is very aggresive all over the place on emotions 0 to 60 in a heart beat, heaven to h..ll in a flash. I apologize if I was too blunt but looks like emotional boundary issues to me. I've seen it before love you, hate you, love you again, smiling, crying, smiling, again. Wiplash big time.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I'll be honest that doesn't sound like aspergers. Perhaps he actually does have it, idk, but it sounds like at the very least he has something else. Its too extreme, too sudden of extremes. It sounds like he has something comorbid with aspergers. Borderline or bipolar maybe? I'm not sure. But if he is exhibiting such extreme moods, perhaps its wise to stay away from him.

 

[royinpink]

I don't think we can diagnose him here... BPD or Asperger's or depression and anxiety or some combination of the above? Who knows. I agree that you can see aspie traits in it (even if some are more commonly seen in females on the spectrum?) the becoming obsessed with love interests, extreme attachment to his dog, meltdowns, ability to be 'all or nothing' and totally 'switch off' his emotions, and the importance he places on 'principles' over 'personality'. But whether or not he is being honest is not for us to say.

To address the original poster, while he may be able to switch seemingly effortlessly to friendship, it will probably not be as easy for you. You need to be clear about your emotional boundaries in order to protect yourself. If you are confident that you will not become attached or take his behavior personally, then maybe you could adjust to being a friend--and support figure, as he clearly has some self-esteem (if not depression) issues to work through. But that is a hard position for anyone to be in, whether you are supporting an aspie or an NT, and it's not a great way to begin a friendship. You may come to resent him before long. Perhaps encourage him to seek help elsewhere? I'm not trying to say this is an impossible friendship or that you should abandon someone in need, but there are a lot of red flags here.

ETA: Where this is dangerous, I think, is if someone without Asperger's were trying to 'use' the disorder to gain sympathy from you and get you closer to him. For this reason alone, I think it would be better if he could get support from someone who has known him longer, not you.

 

[epath13]

[QUOTE="epath13,

Love you epath13: but the only thing I ever had on a first date was my foot out the door this guy is very aggresive all over the place on emotions 0 to 60 in a heart beat, heaven to h..ll in a flash. I apologize if I was too blunt but looks like emotional boundary issues to me. I've seen it before love you, hate you, love you again, smiling, crying, smiling, again. Wiplash big time.[/QUOTE]
He doesn't seem aggressive to me, just confused I've dealt with a lot of drama queens and kings in my life. Now I have one of my favorite ones in my life - one of my kids. Both of my kids can be quite dramatic but the eldest one is especially. Sometimes it annoys me, but most of the time I think it's kind of... adorable even though I know he'll have to learn how to cut down on drama if he wants to have healthy relationships one day. I have been extremely emotionally confused when I was younger, and even now it gets confusing sometimes. I unintentionally hurt some people because of that. It never came from anger, it came from frustration and misunderstanding. In the end, our original poster knows the guy the best and she'll have to decide what she wants to do about him. and you are fine, don't worry about it. You are one of the most polite posters on this forum

 

[royinpink]

He doesn't seem aggressive to me, just confused I've dealt with a lot of drama queens and kings in my life. Now I have one of my favorite ones in my life - one of my kids. Both of my kids can be quite dramatic but the eldest one is especially. Sometimes it annoys me, but most of the time I think it's kind of... adorable even though I know he'll have to learn how to cut down on drama if he wants to have healthy relationships one day. I have been extremely emotionally confused when I was younger, and even now it gets confusing sometimes. I unintentionally hurt some people because of that. It never came from anger, it came from frustration and misunderstanding. In the end, our original poster knows the guy the best and she'll have to decide what she wants to do about him. and you are fine, don't worry about it. You are one of the most polite posters on this forum

Yeah, I have to agree--both my father (undiagnosed AS) and I can be quite dramatic. Before, I didn't realize the effect it had on other people at all, even while I hated my dad for getting carried away in his own emotions (which, to my mind, were obviously selfish and misguided). For me, I do think it stems from other issues mixed with the AS (lack of) coping mechanisms and has a lot to do with fear of rejection or abandonment (although I don't think I distinguish rejection from failure from failed expectations). I related to what Rudy Simone wrote:

"While some Aspergirls are not very romantic, others are extra-so, and an unrequited love, failed hopes and expectations, a bad date, these are all things that can bring on a mega-meltdown. The kind that have us taking to our bed like a jilted Victorian bride, incapable of speech or smiling; drowning in puddles of tears, unable to think straight, or even breathe properly. We can't even read or watch a film in such a state, the usual sanctuaries for minor meltdowns or minor depressions. When such a meltdown sets in, the world is a black and evil place." [Aspergirls p170]

It is not unknown for me to obsess over a love interest, either. But it's been awhile.

 

[James K Trefethen]

A lot of NT women have problems with the men they love having Aspergers. My ex said she felt like she was all alone. If you know what you are getting into, however, you are miles ahead of the woman who isn't aware of the limitations of men with autism.

That said, loving a person with autism isn't the same as a relationship with a normal person.

Not that we are all cold and callous. We really aren't- but to others it can feel like we are. I would not discourage someone from looking for love; we all deserve love. You only live once, though, and a lot of different people are out there.

If someone says they have autism and are using it to explain a strained relationship- warning bells should be going off. A few good men (for relationships) might be among the those with autism- but you are more likely to find such things as emotional support from someone more normal.

Part of us people with autism being the best we can is knowing our limitations. Nobody is going to change us- and faking it does not always work.

So tread carefully if you are still interested in the relationship. Maybe, however, looking around might be better.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="epath13, and you are fine, don't worry about it. You are one of the most polite posters on this forum [/QUOTE]

Ah! you are too kind empath 13 I'm not sure I deserve it I write comic book style a little over the top it's kind of my thing. My first post may have been a little over the top. I really do think he looks BPD I'm recovering from one so maybe I'm seeing wolves in the bushes. I'm H/F auspie so maybe I'm different i've had maybe 2 meltdowns in my whole life, and I never ever came on that strong that quick with a girl. He said he loved her and put her on facebook as his girlfriend and told everyone he could button hole she was his girl all in the first night. I've read quite a few aspie post here and we all seem to take 2 months to decide if we like a girl muchless ask her out. And most of us seem to come to the first date with the running shoes on, our spookablity is legendary. I don't know is royinpink saying there is another class of aspies different from me? I am confused

 

[Maelstrom]

Yeah, I have to agree--both my father (undiagnosed AS) and I can be quite dramatic. Before, I didn't realize the effect it had on other people at all, even while I hated my dad for getting carried away in his own emotions (which, to my mind, were obviously selfish and misguided). For me, I do think it stems from other issues mixed with the AS (lack of) coping mechanisms and has a lot to do with fear of rejection or abandonment (although I don't think I distinguish rejection from failure from failed expectations). I related to what Rudy Simone wrote:

"While some Aspergirls are not very romantic, others are extra-so, and an unrequited love, failed hopes and expectations, a bad date, these are all things that can bring on a mega-meltdown. The kind that have us taking to our bed like a jilted Victorian bride, incapable of speech or smiling; drowning in puddles of tears, unable to think straight, or even breathe properly. We can't even read or watch a film in such a state, the usual sanctuaries for minor meltdowns or minor depressions. When such a meltdown sets in, the world is a black and evil place." [Aspergirls p170]

It is not unknown for me to obsess over a love interest, either. But it's been awhile.

Hi royinpink I love your Icon is that Borg? Perhaps you are right and I am over reading I have never met a aggressive aspie. Part of me wants to say that would be a miss diagnossis, but I'm no expert on such things. I still have the claw marks on me from a full blown BPD, narcisist, sociopath, so I'm maybe not the most impartial person on the subject presently. I see no harm in her showing a fair amount of caution, the situation looks pretty unstable at best. But I will differ to you and empath13 if you really think I'm wrong I don't know as much as you girls on this aspie stuff.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="James K Trefethen, If someone says they have autism and are using it to explain a strained relationship- warning bells should be going off.
So tread carefully if you are still interested in the relationship. Maybe, however, looking around might be better.[/QUOTE]

Hi I agree with you James on this one I was worried her boyfriend was using the aspie thing to cover for a far more sever disorder, perhaps I am wrong but, I still think she should talk with some of his friends and family and find out the real deal, before diving any deaper.

 

[royinpink]

Hi royinpink I love your Icon is that Borg? Perhaps you are right and I am over reading I have never met a aggressive aspie. Part of me wants to say that would be a miss diagnossis, but I'm no expert on such things. I still have the claw marks on me from a full blown BPD, narcisist, sociopath, so I'm maybe not the most impartial person on the subject presently. I see no harm in her showing a fair amount of caution, the situation looks pretty unstable at best. But I will differ to you and empath13 if you really think I'm wrong I don't know as much as you girls on this aspie stuff.

Aw, I'm glad you like it! But sadly I'm not sure where it comes from. I must admit, I used to be active on Livejournal and got it from jillicons. I'd put an embarrassed emoticon here if I could figure out which, if any, signify embarrassment.

By aggressive, you mean aggressive in his pursuit of someone, not physically aggressive, right? I think that you can get overly dependent people whether they are AS or NT, and in AS that tends to couple with obsessive behavior and not knowing when they are crossing boundaries. I believe I remember Tony Attwood mentioning some aspies being accused of stalking or even receiving a restraining order in the Complete Guide to Asperger's (just checked--yes, on page 337). I think the love obsessions in general are more common in girls than boys, though (maybe the social conditioning telling us that we 'need' someone to be complete? I dunno).

More Aspergirls (quoting one of her sources/interviewees): "I've never had any success with men I'm very attracted to, never! I end up seen as a stalker. I've learned you don't call a guy 12 times a night to see if he's home and talk to him every night, but I still don't seem to know what's appropriate. (Elfinia)" (p79) and Rudy herself, "After chasing him obsessively for months, he finally rebuked me in an angry, almost frightened voice, 'You're not a girl. I don't know what you are.' That was the first time that I realized that something about me could scare people, but I still couldn't fathom what I'd done wrong." (p80) Are all the other ladies here at Aspies Central just...better at being normal? Any fellow obsessives? I'm sure there must be...

Anyway, I don't mean all that to detract from your experience. It's often hard to distinguish someone who crosses social boundaries because they don't know any better from someone who has their own selfish motives for doing so, especially from a second-hand account on the Internet (not to mention comorbid conditions). I'm glad you made it out of a bad situation in one piece (despite the claw marks)!

 

[Annette]

Hi everyone!

I wanted to thank you all for answering my post, sharing your opinions and advising me It really helped, and indeed clarified the situation in my eyes.

I have decided to stay away from this man, I think it is the wise thing to do. I also do not know whether he has Asperger, or he is hiding something else, and I dont know.. I find it odd he only told me about being an Aspie, only because I had called him out on his behavior.

Anyways, we will see eachother in a few months for our common friends' wedding, I hope everything will go well!

Thank you again for your messages

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="royinpink, By aggressive, you mean aggressive in his pursuit of someone. I'm glad you made it out of a bad situation in one piece (despite the claw marks)![/QUOTE]

Yes royinpink I was referring how fast he escilated the love and commitment thing and that combined with the massive sudden mood swings made me think maybe a deficit on emotional boundaries. But you may be right it could have been puppy love + a change meltdown. On the stalking thing no I don't confuse girl crushes or a girl spooking me with stalking, I feel bad and blame my self not the girl when I get spooked. I don't think there is anything wrong with liking someone who doesn't like you or trying to win them over. But there are lines that shouldn't be crossed, when they start using trickery trying to bend your mind with deceptive games and using your family for years to get to you it's, different. On the BPD my ex-es step Mom was the real deal. She treated me like I was the messiah one minuet and turned on me like Vladimier Dracku the impailler the next. I found out later it was about keeping my ex-es baby,(not mine), in her house, but I had no clue at the time, every time I talked about me and my ex finding a place to live when we got married the gates of H..ll would open under my feet. Anyways enough of that, I've moved on. It is nice to meet you royinpink I was in Hong Kong once as a little boy, ate a tasty fried banana there and watched the Junks sailing in the harbor.

 

[royinpink]

Yeah, I actually think he could be totally honest, we just have no way of knowing. He seems very ashamed and all doom-and-gloom about having Asperger's which could be a reason he didn't tell her earlier.

On the stalking thing no I don't confuse girl crushes or a girl spooking me with stalking, I feel bad and blame my self not the girl when I get spooked. I don't think there is anything wrong with liking someone who doesn't like you or trying to win them over. But there are lines that shouldn't be crossed, when they start using trickery trying to bend your mind with deceptive games and using your family for years to get to you it's, different.

Sorry, I didn't mean to say anything about how you interpret girls' crushes/obsessions. Just observing that yes, there are aspies who obsess about people as much as things, and yes these obsessions sometimes get them in trouble. (ETA: Oh, I see where my post was confusing now. Switched back and forth from talking about what you said about your past to the difficulty of trying to figure out the OP's situation there at the end...bad tendency of mine, not always being clear what I'm talking about/signalling topic changes)

Yeah, that is definitely a line that should not be crossed! But I think most people get freaked out a good deal earlier. Like the calling 12 times in one night thing. It's creepy to most people. But the obsessive aspie might just be anxious and not realize they need to respect the other person's boundaries and let them call back when they wish. So they keep calling, not realizing that to most people this signifies more than that they want to talk to them. You seem to be quite tolerant of eccentric behavior.

As for deceptive games, that's where I know I'm weak in character judgment and why I cautioned the OP...I'm just not a good enough judge of non-autistic people to know if this is the kind of trick they might play. If the guy is genuinely aspie, it makes perfect sense to me, but if not...I literally have no idea what would be going on in that case.

Nice to meet you too! It's really a shame you had to deal with all that. You seem like a very kind person.

Cool about coming to HK! I seem to remember you mentioning something about HK elsewhere, too...thought maybe you were still here. Pity.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="Annette, I have decided to stay away from this man, I think it is the wise thing to do. I also do not know whether he has Asperger, or he is hiding something else, and I dont know.. I find it odd he only told me about being an Aspie, only because I had called him out on his behavior.
Anyways, we will see eachother in a few months for our common friends' wedding, I hope everything will go well![/QUOTE]

Hi Annette some of the other poster here think I may have lumped 3 sepperate events/issues together to get BPD. I don't want to cause any harm here, why don't you look up some videos of BPD on youtube so you know what to look for. Then make up a small list of questions on his mental stability + history etcetera... and take it with you to the wedding. You have a prime opertunity at the wedding to find out from his family and friends what he's really like...and then you can decide what to do and feel you did the right thing.

On the dog thing us aspies are lonely often and bond extra tight with our pets. You may have been a little in the red on the empathy thing on that front. I felt like I was going to die when I lost my first cat Pookie to feline lukiemia. Best wishes Mael

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="royinpink, Sorry, I didn't mean to say anything about how you interpret girls' crushes/obsessions.
So they keep calling, not realizing that to most people this signifies more than that they want to talk to them. You seem to be quite tolerant of eccentric behavior.

Cool about coming to HK! I seem to remember you mentioning something about HK elsewhere, too...thought maybe you were still here. Pity. [/QUOTE]

I agree with you royinpink and I just sent Annette a little battle plan to sort things at the wedding. On the stalking thing I just didn't want you to think I was being unfair and seeing imaginary wolves in the bushes. It does happen, I've seen my ex and her family stick horns on some people I thought were awfully nice. I don't believe in that sort of thing, and try to own, my own problems in life. I do feel if I want people to cut me slack on the being auspie thing, that I'm obliged to try to meet them halfway on their stuff too. I could explain my heroic efforts with the ex and how my mind neerly melted trying to please them, but I'm trying not to think on them any more. I understand what you mean with how hard it is in dating, to balance the knowing when to move forward, or back, dating is a subtle dance.

Sorry to disapoint you on not being in Hong kong, I am still on the singles market ha ha! I had one aspie girl I was chatting with as friends but she has sort of disapeared. Anyways it's not everyday a sweet, auspie, savant, forever young, P.K. comes on the market. how are romance things on your end?