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Feelings for work colleague

S

Sasha20

Active Member
Hi , i have developed feeling for a work colleague who i have work with for over 5 years , i am also his boss . I have known him for a long time . I am not sure how he feels about me . He seems quite nervous when i talk to him sometimes but that maYbe because we look at each other . Should i keep my feeling to myself ? Would it be unfair to put him in that position if i asked him how he felt ?I do get feeling that he likes me sometimes but it maybe because i try to understand him and give him a chance.he isnt the easiest to deAl with a times but i feel he is very misunderstood and thats why he withdraws from people
 
First, what are your companies policies surrounding supervisors dating their subordinates? This relationship can be a lot more complex than simply whether this person has feelings for you.
 
I'm unclear about workplace social dynamics, but I'm wondering if it's appropriate to express romantic feelings between boss and employee? Not making any judgments about feelings, but I am unclear on the social (legal?) rules.

If it were me--and in some cases I have gotten what I have perceived as unexpected attention from college professors when I was a student--having romantic feelings spoken would throw me into a spiral of confusion. I already struggle with how to behave, so when an interpersonal dynamic becomes unexpectedly intimate, I am very anxious and don't know how to behave.

And if it were me in this specific instance, I would most likely find the exchange so awkward and unsettling that I would look for another job. Not because I didn't like the person, but because it would seem confusing and unethical to me. Again, not making judgments about feelings.

I hope this helps, I know I am not in your situation.
 
Its a small business not a big corporation and we have known each other for a long time inside work and amoung friends . We work well together but i really dont want to make life difficult for him or more difficult than i already see it is . Its just hard to hve feelings for someone you work closely with but i dont want to act selfishly . I know he likes his job and it services his needs well and i am glad to be able to facilitate that . I dont think at this stage he would look for A job elsewhere , we r both in late 30s
 
Its hard/impossible to say what is going on in his mind. Maybe just see it as a friendship, but if he expresses a desire for more, asks you out etc, well then you know.
 
Agreed. In larger organizations there are sometimes even written rules, for example:
Warehouse guy + call centre girl = kosher
Warehouse guy + warehouse team leader or manager = not kosher
I've also seem family members be split into different departments so you can't work together with a relative.

In smaller organizations, it may not be as much formal rules, in which case even if there is nothing explicit, something you may wish to consider, if you choose to pursue a relationship, is the impact it would have on team dynamics, in regards to your working relationship with each other, your teammates, and those on other teams.

Something else I'd like to add is that some of us aren't good at reading hints, and so a challenge will also be how you might be able to drop a hint without it being passed over, but not be explicit to the point where he may be uncomfortable and make your work relationship difficult.
 
I'm leaning towards it being a small organization doesn't necessarily make it better. Large organizations may have more rules and are more formal but can often easily survive firing a few people if things get out of hand. Smaller organizations will be more likely to fall apart completely if boss/employee pairs get into a relationship and then break up. Everybody would end up with an opinion and taking sides if there was a messy break up and the chances that everybody could still work together as a team afterwards might not be good.
 
Hints definitely pass me by. Unless by a hint you mean sky writing accompanied by a 24 gun salute ? Even then the writing would have to have my name on it.

Probably you would have to be prepared to leave your job were he to be interested in a relationship with you. I wonder also if you may have some Aspie in you too? It presents differently in women.
 
The effect on the team if things
didnt work out would be detremental alright. We only have 10 employees and most have been working with the company for a long time . He isnt diagnosed either but im very sure he is on the spectrum as i know alot of people on the spectrum and he ticks loads of boxes . Ultimately i need to be sensible about this and fair to him and if he feels awkward at time because he is confused by our dynamic i need to stamp this out . I reallly like him but i want to be someone who can support him as he struggles alot with relationship snd social interactions . I dont want to further alienate him because of something I think I would like to happen between us .
 
@ stardust parade Do u mind me asking what happened ? I think i will juat need to ride out these feelings and say nothing . I have build up a good level of trust with him which i know he finds hard so i dont want to abuse that . We both would have alot to lose
 
Welcome to the forums!

Regarding your situation, I think you just have to accept that this potential romance is not meant to be. Boss-employee relationships are never appropriate, particularly when the boss initiates it. The power dynamic causes too many problems. Getting consent from someone you have power over is difficult, if not impossible, so there's no way you can handle asking him out/dropping hints that wouldn't put extra pressure on him because you're his boss.
 
He has told a mutual friend that he is strongly considering a new job and asked the friend not to tell me . It is for more money , we have worked together for years and have a good work relationship and any time he wants more money he has come to me , his work conditions are tailored to suit he needs as much as possible and i have tried hard to ensure this , i wonder why it is different this time ... feel disappointed and very confused by this . Any possible insight welcome ?
 
Sasha20 said:
He has told a mutual friend that he is strongly considering a new job and asked the friend not to tell me . It is for more money , we have worked together for years and have a good work relationship and any time he wants more money he has come to me , his work conditions are tailored to suit he needs as much as possible and i have tried hard to ensure this , i wonder why it is different this time ... feel disappointed and very confused by this . Any possible insight welcome ?
Click to expand...

I suggest leaving this issue alone. May be tough, but since you asked for insight...

Employees are not required to notify their bosses when they seek employment elsewhere. If he is looking for another position, let him do so. And if he accepts a position at another job and he's on his way out, then it might be the right time to get some clarity as to why he's leaving. But since you know that he's looking and he wanted it kept quiet, any inquiries at the present time are easily seen as a breach of trust and can only damage your relationship.

In the meantime, do whatever work you need to do inwardly to address your confusion and disappointment. Your feelings are real, even if they may not be able to be resolved by your employee at this time.
 
Maybe he realizes if something is to come of this, he needs to work elsewhere. Or he has picked up the vibes and is trying to gracefully exit. What is sad is that you didn't mention if he was a great employee. It seems this is about you and not what is good for the company.
 
This is a very tough situation. In any case there is risk.
if you don't do nothing, you may be preventing him from knowing the way is open, you are interested, he can transgress this norm of dating the boss;
but you could also be exposing yourself to someone who is not interested in crossing that line, someone who loves you as a friend, and will feel pretty awkward afterwards;
but you could do nothing and not put yourself in such horrible situation;
but you would be missing the chance of having him wanting you back if you didn't tell him.
So, it is a game of chances and we are not good at reading these kind of odds, specially when our desire blinds us or makes us bias.
You should wait for very explicit signs. He should take all risks himself. It would be elegant and more comfortable for you.
You can inadvertently let your handkerchief to fall, but it is the man who will pick it up from the floor and give it back to you as a sign he is following all your moves.
 
Aspychata said:
Maybe he realizes if something is to come of this, he needs to work elsewhere. Or he has picked up the vibes and is trying to gracefully exit. What is sad is that you didn't mention if he was a great employee. It seems this is about you and not what is good for the company.
Click to expand...

He is a great employee but conditions need to be right for him too
 
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