Usually I come on here to post or read threads when I'm struggling in my relationship with my (undiagnosed) ASD boyfriend. I guess reading and writing helps me see things from a more objective and broader perspective.
I'm here to vent frustration because people on here "get it" but also to ask for help coming up with a solution. My real life friends mean well, but they can't really get what my relationship challenges are. It's something you have to experience truly understand.
So, I'm coming down from a seemingly harmless comment my bf made which resulted in me feeling hurt, crying, shutting down, obsessing, doing hours of thought experiments to look for a solution, and ultimately wanting to slam my head against the wall until I finally just decided "screw it" and let it go.
After torturing myself I finally realized that: 1) my own internal reality plays a part in this, and 2) this whole reaction on my part doesn't get me the results I want, and I'm never going to get what I want in the way I want it. I have figured out substitutes in some instances.
While I know our languages are different and I really try to approach these challenges from a matter-of-fact standpoint, I inevitably return to my NT impulses. I just can't help it in the moment.
All of this started with his comment "are you gonna go get cleaned up?" Sounds harmless enough to someone who doesn't know the context, right? I had been working all day on our porch in the humid 90 degree Florida weather. I was in the middle of preparing dinner, but had a break.
No surprise that Rich is not expressive. He's not generous with compliments and doesn't understand the importance of them; or he understands and just isn't capable of pulling it off.
I just turned 49 and feel old. Even though I've lost weight, I feel fat, gross, old and ugly. I can assure you no one who knows me would say this is true. It's just how I've been feeling. I also have a history with depression. That doesn't help.
So, I was in the middle of cooking him a nice, healthy dinner that took a lot effort.
What I looked like: hair in a bun (he's told me on multiple occasions he likes my hair down so I feel he thinks I look ugly with it up), wearing unfeminine shorts, unshaven legs, needed a shower, no make up, hair needs a touch up dye job- roots showing (you get the not-so-pretty picture).
We were chatting about cosmetic surgery. I feel like I need a face lift and breast reduction, but won't undergo elective surgery for vanity's sake and also because the procedures disgust me. His contribution to conversation was, "Plastic surgery is no different from any surgery. You should do it if you want to."
How I heard it: "You really need to get both surgeries because I'm not attracted to you and you're gross."
Then I walk over to the couch to take a cooking break and he says "you gonna go clean up?" By that time, I felt so bad about myself that I interpreted his comment as Rich finding me unattractive and disgusting, so I felt devastated. Also, I was in the middle of making a nice dinner and felt unappreciated. Like all you can do is focus on my appearance?
If I look at it through literal lenses, I actually was gross in the moment; but he didn't say I was gross and he didn't mean that I'm an overall gross person; and this is where the biggest challenge comes in. I misread his tone because of how I felt about myself and because I have a hard time in general reading his cues (he doesn't give many).
I know it's taken me a while to get to the point but it's only after writing this all that I've figured out what I want to know and what feedback I'd like from someone whose brain thinks like his.
I want to be able to explain something to him and have him understand. I'm not looking to change his behavior. I know his strengths and limitations when it comes to communicating, but I want to be able to explain this dynamic/process that happens between us occasionally and for him to intellectually understand it.
All NT women, by nature, desire reassurance - like compliments or being told we are desirable, for example. I've accepted that I have ASK for them and I will get them. I have to come out and say "do you think I'm pretty?", then Rich will look at me like I'm insane and say "you're beautiful!", as if how do you not already know that?
I want Rich to know, that when this dynamic comes up between us (my misinterpreting what he meant), that it's not unique to us. I don't want him to think I'm just crazy (because I know he does). This dynamic occurs as a natural result of two people with differing wiring trying to maintain a relationship. It's a natural byproduct and it's going to happen occasionally.
You see, unlike most people on this blog who have done some reading and soul searching, Rich lacks curiosity about dealing with NT's so his knowledge is limited. I feel like if he understood, when this happens again, we can just define it as such.
He agrees with me that there are NT/ASD differences and he sometimes finds them amusing. We laugh about it sometimes but that's where his interest and curiosity stops. Still, it's important to me to get some basic points across and I can't figure out how to explain them. This is one of them.
I mean, I've literally thought of creating a flowchart which I still might do. Just haven't figured out how to do that. My brain doesn't work that way!
I'm here to vent frustration because people on here "get it" but also to ask for help coming up with a solution. My real life friends mean well, but they can't really get what my relationship challenges are. It's something you have to experience truly understand.
So, I'm coming down from a seemingly harmless comment my bf made which resulted in me feeling hurt, crying, shutting down, obsessing, doing hours of thought experiments to look for a solution, and ultimately wanting to slam my head against the wall until I finally just decided "screw it" and let it go.
After torturing myself I finally realized that: 1) my own internal reality plays a part in this, and 2) this whole reaction on my part doesn't get me the results I want, and I'm never going to get what I want in the way I want it. I have figured out substitutes in some instances.
While I know our languages are different and I really try to approach these challenges from a matter-of-fact standpoint, I inevitably return to my NT impulses. I just can't help it in the moment.
All of this started with his comment "are you gonna go get cleaned up?" Sounds harmless enough to someone who doesn't know the context, right? I had been working all day on our porch in the humid 90 degree Florida weather. I was in the middle of preparing dinner, but had a break.
No surprise that Rich is not expressive. He's not generous with compliments and doesn't understand the importance of them; or he understands and just isn't capable of pulling it off.
I just turned 49 and feel old. Even though I've lost weight, I feel fat, gross, old and ugly. I can assure you no one who knows me would say this is true. It's just how I've been feeling. I also have a history with depression. That doesn't help.
So, I was in the middle of cooking him a nice, healthy dinner that took a lot effort.
What I looked like: hair in a bun (he's told me on multiple occasions he likes my hair down so I feel he thinks I look ugly with it up), wearing unfeminine shorts, unshaven legs, needed a shower, no make up, hair needs a touch up dye job- roots showing (you get the not-so-pretty picture).
We were chatting about cosmetic surgery. I feel like I need a face lift and breast reduction, but won't undergo elective surgery for vanity's sake and also because the procedures disgust me. His contribution to conversation was, "Plastic surgery is no different from any surgery. You should do it if you want to."
How I heard it: "You really need to get both surgeries because I'm not attracted to you and you're gross."
Then I walk over to the couch to take a cooking break and he says "you gonna go clean up?" By that time, I felt so bad about myself that I interpreted his comment as Rich finding me unattractive and disgusting, so I felt devastated. Also, I was in the middle of making a nice dinner and felt unappreciated. Like all you can do is focus on my appearance?
If I look at it through literal lenses, I actually was gross in the moment; but he didn't say I was gross and he didn't mean that I'm an overall gross person; and this is where the biggest challenge comes in. I misread his tone because of how I felt about myself and because I have a hard time in general reading his cues (he doesn't give many).
I know it's taken me a while to get to the point but it's only after writing this all that I've figured out what I want to know and what feedback I'd like from someone whose brain thinks like his.
I want to be able to explain something to him and have him understand. I'm not looking to change his behavior. I know his strengths and limitations when it comes to communicating, but I want to be able to explain this dynamic/process that happens between us occasionally and for him to intellectually understand it.
All NT women, by nature, desire reassurance - like compliments or being told we are desirable, for example. I've accepted that I have ASK for them and I will get them. I have to come out and say "do you think I'm pretty?", then Rich will look at me like I'm insane and say "you're beautiful!", as if how do you not already know that?
I want Rich to know, that when this dynamic comes up between us (my misinterpreting what he meant), that it's not unique to us. I don't want him to think I'm just crazy (because I know he does). This dynamic occurs as a natural result of two people with differing wiring trying to maintain a relationship. It's a natural byproduct and it's going to happen occasionally.
You see, unlike most people on this blog who have done some reading and soul searching, Rich lacks curiosity about dealing with NT's so his knowledge is limited. I feel like if he understood, when this happens again, we can just define it as such.
He agrees with me that there are NT/ASD differences and he sometimes finds them amusing. We laugh about it sometimes but that's where his interest and curiosity stops. Still, it's important to me to get some basic points across and I can't figure out how to explain them. This is one of them.
I mean, I've literally thought of creating a flowchart which I still might do. Just haven't figured out how to do that. My brain doesn't work that way!