Experiences with people pleasing

[Kayla55]

Ye, when I was younger I did people pleaser thing...
I changed my masking style many years ago (since we must go out)
I do groom and keep up my appearance for neatness sake. I found going out regularly and keeping up with trends helped me to somewhat maintain appearances and knowing appropriate things to say, keeping conversation light hearted, following social norm.
And this is also tip not just socialising but dating....
First I'd just go out small time, make soft nice conversation, and ace my presentation for work colleagues as well, this worked. Otherwise just friendly side of news, events happening and more out, better converse.

Once I felt content and secure in my standing I would slowly introduce an opinion, very careful to dress it up and blend it in as normal not to stand out like a saw thumb. I became more content to order coffee and sit alone with a magazine, I didn't feel so isolated or worried about my friendship circle, I found sometimes someone may even strike a conversation.
Becoming rude or assertive is tricky but if you can work yourself to a mellow place where you don't need to please everyone, you can take a step back, even have no agreement but a friendly demeanor.

 

[pastelanxiety]

I relate so much about the part of not knowing myself. I don't know what I like, what I want and what I aspire to.

I'm at a point where I don't feel like doing anything, I start something for a few minutes and then stop, then repeat.

Sorry for hijacking the thread

This resonates strongly with me; I only really know the masked version of myself, who others expect me to be, which is kind of scary

 

[Kayla55]

The importance of spoil yourself time....

If it's pay day or have some pocket money buy a fancy spray bottle for cleaning and wiping counters. Buy a nice plant for counter
Try blow the shopping account, seriously I had so much credit I hardly used. So one day I bought expensive smart talkies, and few nice tops and it was nice. It cheered me up and no, it's not all time but it's got to also be about you feel good, people notice you not a doormat, you busy with own hobbies.
Stop. Don't return the call. Pitch up comfortably late (even if I've being agonising over have to go for 2 hours and have nothing to wear) walk straight past, if say something go oh, hi, my word I didn't see you, I've just being so busy.

This one was the best, I left house in a mess and did what I felt like for morning.
Because you worth it!!!

 

[Kayla55]

Success can really escalate.....

Ye, so next thing I'm at gym and I'm having the time of my life and WoW this hot guy came to talk to me.
Turns out he has this sales event tonight and wOw he wants me to come along.

So having being out more I'm talking less about work and boring topics and out of no where it seems as though I suddenly know how to say interesting things, even advise people without getting too technical.
Next thing I know we sipping cocktails at some chill out ambient bar and I'm a nervous wreck seeing dance floor, but it was ok cause he didn't want to dance and we were going to beach tomorrow.

Do you see where I'm going with this......
And look back at this as best years of my life!!!

 

[Gerontius]

This resonates strongly with me; I only really know the masked version of myself, who others expect me to be, which is kind of scary

That is very painful. I have had to try to figure out who I am too, and when I told my mom and dad they didn't believe that I didn't know who I was. You phrase it very well here though.

 

[pastelanxiety]

That is very painful. I have had to try to figure out who I am too, and when I told my mom and dad they didn't believe that I didn't know who I was. You phrase it very well here though.

That sounds really tough. I was recently diagnosed and I'm currently dealing with the "you're acting different" and "why are you suddenly acting more autistic?" from my mum which is difficult because I already don't know who I am whilst attempting to unmask

 

[Kayla55]

Any time that I read the words 'people-pleasing' I automatically replace it with 'parent-pleasing.' I don't know what your situation is/was, but as I a child I was expected to always please my parents--essentially, to perform in a way which would result in peace and zero conflict/agitation/nagging/temper/etc. This carried over into retail, where I'd subject myself to neglect of myself in the hopes of causing no conflict with others or the small praise, which I wouldn't believe anyways.

Setting and maintaining boundaries has been super difficult for me. It's terrifying to stand up to your parents and say 'no' to anything because it was always ground into me as a child that I basically had no autonomy.


Since giving up on caring what others think of me, I feel freer. I'm in zero contact with my parents, who always cared only for what I was doing and not how.

There's also taking care of me....
If you ever depressed over stuff this really comes into effect. I think it's combination of asd and not having had someone who attended to your needs, regularly. Becoming too independent and avoiding discussing how I feel, misinterpreting and feeling more isolated.
I mentioned this shopping spree but there is a lot more too it.
Having a child is where you realise importance of buying my plant and looking after myself and it, every day. When I water the plants I remember to water myself. I'm glad I never had kids young for this reason, my life experience was slow in that others did this naturally and it took me so much longer.
Wiping the counter, if there were bread crumbs on clean counter after making a sandwich I would dust it off with my bare hands and this is why I bought spray bottle, it's what teach your kids about dignity. We also battled financially for some time and when the clouds lifted I threw a few parties. My aspie son was positively responsive, of course I'd bought delicious food and we bought fun things for house. When he was younger he never ask for anything special on his birthday and this changed to wanting a game, it's important. So he was watching and staring at me in kitchen with glass of wine and said 'we having a party'

 

[autism-and-autotune]

There's also taking care of me....
If you ever depressed over stuff this really comes into effect. I think it's combination of asd and not having had someone who attended to your needs, regularly. Becoming too independent and avoiding discussing how I feel, misinterpreting and feeling more isolated.
I mentioned this shopping spree but there is a lot more too it.
Having a child is where you realise importance of buying my plant and looking after myself and it, every day. When I water the plants I remember to water myself. I'm glad I never had kids young for this reason, my life experience was slow in that others did this naturally and it took me so much longer.
Wiping the counter, if there were bread crumbs on clean counter after making a sandwich I would dust it off with my bare hands and this is why I bought spray bottle, it's what teach your kids about dignity. We also battled financially for some time and when the clouds lifted I threw a few parties. My aspie son was positively responsive, of course I'd bought delicious food and we bought fun things for house. When he was younger he never ask for anything special on his birthday and this changed to wanting a game, it's important. So he was watching and staring at me in kitchen with glass of wine and said 'we having a party'

That's a really interesting way of looking at things! I appreciate you for writing all of this to me.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

This resonates strongly with me; I only really know the masked version of myself, who others expect me to be, which is kind of scary

Yikes. I too was in your shoes years ago; I felt like my family expected this talkative, witty version of me at family events and was shocked when I finally developed my own personality and had internal issues like depression and autism and wasn't a pure reflection of my parents' wishes.

 

[Kayla55]

Asking advice
I'd avoided my dad and lots people for years. I'd built myself a new life where I'd met people who gave me a chance and were actually the ones there for me when I needed it. They were Spanish or African, the people who helped me get jobs, picked me up when I was down and not fitting.in. I suppose I got tired of battling alone and thinking family was good for my kids I made more contact. But now this guy likes me who doesn't even know who I am, what my interests are or even actually care for me, now my dad is pressuring me and saying it's for the best. The group did welcome me in and met others on spectrum who I liked and took pointers from. But this guy is pressuring ND being spiteful that I'm not interested, too point where I feel whole bond was broken with a disrespect towards me. It's creating negativity in me and I'm lashing out and feeling like I'm going back to the life I left because these people will never change and I will never have my actual needs met, then I start to even think that I should try go to Alaska and dump this whole ties thing. And not share my ideas and passions on discovering native Indians and deep feeling sharing that no one gives me a place in this world to be independent, that I have the right to define myself and my life.
I just know he won't stop until I react badly and I've being trying to avoid another fight but I couldn't just move kids out of school,

 

[paloftoon]

In order to maximize enjoying our life, sometimes we have to create our own spaces. We can't expect people to invite us. We can try to invite others and join meetups on our own.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Asking advice
I'd avoided my dad and lots people for years. I'd built myself a new life where I'd met people who gave me a chance and were actually the ones there for me when I needed it. They were Spanish or African, the people who helped me get jobs, picked me up when I was down and not fitting.in. I suppose I got tired of battling alone and thinking family was good for my kids I made more contact. But now this guy likes me who doesn't even know who I am, what my interests are or even actually care for me, now my dad is pressuring me and saying it's for the best. The group did welcome me in and met others on spectrum who I liked and took pointers from. But this guy is pressuring ND being spiteful that I'm not interested, too point where I feel whole bond was broken with a disrespect towards me. It's creating negativity in me and I'm lashing out and feeling like I'm going back to the life I left because these people will never change and I will never have my actual needs met, then I start to even think that I should try go to Alaska and dump this whole ties thing. And not share my ideas and passions on discovering native Indians and deep feeling sharing that no one gives me a place in this world to be independent, that I have the right to define myself and my life.
I just know he won't stop until I react badly and I've being trying to avoid another fight but I couldn't just move kids out of school,

People can suck. I've thought about moving to remote places, too, just for peace. These days I just shelter in place. Avoid people I don't like, as you say.

 

[Kayla55]

People can suck. I've thought about moving to remote places, too, just for peace. These days I just shelter in place. Avoid people I don't like, as you say.

It really sucks...you lucky u choose who you want to go out with, I'm a very emotionally quiet n ultra sensitive person and I don't perform and get horny over cars and money and shallow sex and I find it unattractive in women who responsive to this.
I have a right to be under-sexed if that's what it is. Some of us are born this way!!

Listened to how Elon musk is firing twitter staff, and I was just like um, I've lost few jobs in life n I know it sucks. But my opinion on whole social media differs from taking sides, it's my quiet opinion that if big business could censor internet as with TV, they would. Just consider search results based on traffic and likes and ratings, but what if that's not basis of what I'm searching is purely factual in relevance or date...I'm trying find old article say from 5 yrs ago then results may be on page 15-26 on Google. I suppose its whether you big on social media or not, and I'm not a Facebook person.
NT people want system to work way they want and for others to fit in. I have open minded like French friend in CPT and they reckon plenty of work and last time despite best intentions fail to understand I could never waiter while I find something better!!! The British are highly strung on conservative and whole idea of women having ideas outside of her shadow under a man is never going to happen, but logically it's correct to say women are not bar maids to protect them.
We are not built for this world!!
I'm considering working to train mid-wives in Africa to improve birthing rate and for once my Mom has stopped telling me how dangerous it is. (But I'm not sure what sons will say) but there are various IT contracts paying in dollars and I'm not the average person so my travels and what I do is a different story.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

It sounds like a lot of people have tried to hold you back. That can be intensely frustrating.

 

[Aspychata]

I people pleased because l lived in a combustible childhood/house, and he that should be obeyed may go off on a yelling tangent. However, it's not to difficult for me as l am pretty easygoing in general. Now l do have boundaries, and do state the truth if l feel pushed around. But l have had many jobs dealing with public, so people pleasing helped me deliver excellent customer service when the world valued such a skill. Lol

 

[Kayla55]

People pleasing.....no way out