Hi there!
My dad is a 65 year old father of 3 adult children (me being one of them).
All my life my fathers personality has been very painful to me. As ive gotten older, my parents divorced and now it's even harder to be around him for me.
I also feel extreme guilt of my feelings toward my dad bc I know he means well... and I feel awful that he aggravates me so much.
I started realizing lately that a lot of his personality traits sound like someone with aspergers or high functioning autism.
I was hoping I could write some of his personality traits on here and see if anyone would have some insights for me.
My dad has always been very quiet and reserved..... almost never smiles or laughs... if he does laugh, it's not something that most people would find funny. He is very monotone. Has no friends, like none..... but is pained by this and has the awareness that people don't "like being around him". Which makes me so sad.
He is very smart. Our conversations feel one sided.... he will ramble on and on about some random topic and not notice or care that no one is listening anymore. He is sensitive, crys easily. Always wants to be around people, but then when he is.... he barely speaks, or sometimes will start reading a book or something in corner.
He doesn't seem like understand social cues or norms.
If you look at him, he always looks sad, unsatified.... usually very negative ..... and although he can get teary eye easily...... he also shows very little change in mood.
Like for example..... I literally don't think i have EVER seen him excited, or looking happy..... EVER.
For some reason as his child... this has made me feel incredibly hurt... bc it's like nothing is good enough for him... bc I try and try to do things to make him happy or surprise him .... and he never responds the way that seems necessary.
For some reason ... the older I get, the more painful it is.
Do these things I describe sound like autism. And if so.... is there any help you can suggest to me.... even just so I can have a better relationship with my dad.
Thanks so much.
Hello Gully. I'm no doctor but I do share many of your father's traits and my psychologist highly suspects that I have Asperger's - not officially diagnosed, he said I'd need a specialist for that. In the meantime, this doc is starting to help me manage this condition so that I can live better among the neurotypicals; I'm not sure I have any real advice yet, I'm only starting to find out what exactly it is that I need to be doing to improve myself. For starters, my doc advised me that I text my (very few) friends less than every single day, perhaps every 2 days or so but not precisely every 2 days. He also suggested that I don't make plans to hang out every single weekend, maybe every 2 weekends at the most. I've been acting very needy and possessive when it comes to these friends and I don't want to lose them because of my behavior. It's a miracle I even managed to make friends in the first place.
I always mean well and I aggravate a lot of people...so much. In my case it's the reverse, I'm the one who drives my dad crazy all the time. Without meaning to. And not just him. I myself am NOT a dad. I've never dated in my entire life and am to this day an almost 30-year old virgin. Let's give it a decade and I'll be a movie title. I'm typing this and it's already Father's Day, so happy Father's Day to your dad!
I've been shy and reserved for a long time, and for some reason something changed when I was getting closer to my mid-20's and I became the complete opposite. I'm never able to find any sort of middle ground. I became just all over-the-top, tried way too hard to be friends with everyone and ended up more alone than ever. I laugh at the unlikeliest of things much of the time. For some reason people on bicycles used to make me laugh; so did school ceiling intercoms and x-ray machines.
I'm either monotone or just too hyper. Again, never a middle ground. I've barely had any friends in my entire life, and based on my first paragraph here I managed to make a few (just over the past couple of years). I've just been envying the people around me of how they have so many friends and how they just all naturally get along with each other. In college, I wanted that. I failed at it miserably. Some of them even took advantage of my quirks. The fact that people didn't want to be around me pained me very much and I constantly blamed myself. I develop this immense self-hatred as a result and to this day I still exhibit it. I exhibit it even if I make someone slightly frustrated with me because I'm tired of pushing people away.
I'm smart, but I have almost no common sense. I'm just book-smart, that's all. I write software for a living and I've been an A student for most of my academic life. I was very eccentric and learned slowly but I did not need special ed.
I ramble about things all the time when I speak to someone. Like I might ramble about a game I play to people even if they don't play it. I used to completely miss signs of boredom, but I've become a smidge better at it; I can recognize when to stop rambling like when the NT responds with "hmmmm" or "OK". I'm very sensitive, I go into total panic mode even if someone slightly raises their voice at me; I constantly am paranoid that people might be mad at me, my self-esteem is that low. I used to be a crier; I cried in front of my gym coaches because no one would ever pass me the ball (we HAD to take gym; I don't play sports). Now, however, it seems like I'm not very good at crying. I haven't cried in a long time, I tend to scream instead.
During my shy phase I was embarrassed to be a lone wolf so I wanted to sit with various people at lunch, but it ended up just being forced; I didn't have much to talk with them about so I was this "extra" that they mostly just ignored. After my shy phase was over closer to my mid-20's I wanted to be around people in a different way because I wanted to have as many friends as NT's usually do. I'd buzz around my classmates constantly, all the time. However I wouldn't remain quiet; I'd do the aforementioned rambling and I'd always get into their personal space, assuming that we're in a study group. This was mostly in college. I've made too many social mistakes in college to count and ended up being even more alone than I ever have been and these are things I very much regret doing to this very moment.
I stink at social norms, but I've been understanding body language better lately - and that's after having been around a group of NT coworkers who just magically have it all. I've been observing them and the boss, and I've gradually become familiar with some facial expressions (the "annoyed grimace" mostly comes to mind...)
I am extremely negative. I'm the king of pessimists, and I whine/complain all the time - but after observing people experience actual serious problems like being sick with cancer, I start to feel ashamed of my constant complaining - just feel like curling up in a corner somewhere from all the shame. Yet at some point later the whining/complaining starts all over again.
As for changes in mood...to be honest, I'm not even sure if I'm bipolar. Often times I'm hyper-happy and can't stop rambling about things or just making random sounds, yelling out random words. Yet at other times I just constantly worry about everything, continuously cycling over these worries, whining/complaining as I've mentioned before - and on occasion I just snap and throw the worst types of tantrums. All in all I'm pretty much incapable of being serious outside of work and act like a 5-year-old inside a man's body. But I really do get concerned about possibly being bipolar due to these polar opposite moods I'm capable of being in. People often tell me that I act as if nothing is good enough for me and my responses are often quite unorthodox. People always reassure me about my anxieties but I just don't listen and I keep on worrying. Only now am I starting to actually cope with these anxieties in a systematic way. For more information on the anxiety coping, see
Managing Anxieties - the FLOAT Method
To sum up, I have most of the traits you've described your father having. I've known I was different pretty much my entire life but I kept thinking that I'd grow out of it, I've even gone through some stages of denial. Only now at nearly 30 years of age am I finally starting to see a psychologist. I just want to stop struggling, I want to be able to mix well with society. I've already made a few friends and have made a few improvements I've talked about in previous paragraphs. The doc said that this will take time. Here's all the advice I can give thus far - keep on loving and supporting your father, just like my father (and mother) keep on loving and supporting me. They know in their heart of hearts that I'm a good man and that I never mean to offend people and push them away. It means a lot to me and I'm positive that your love and support mean a lot to your father. Finally if you feel irritated, don't react openly in front of him. Don't make him think that you're mad at him. Whenever people do that with me I just go into panic mode and totally lose my self-esteem and self-control; I even start wondering if I'm a good or bad guy, and it just makes everything worse, much much worse. Keep remembering the fact that he's a good man and always means well. That's pretty much all that comes to my mind in terms of advice right now. Thanks for sharing!
