Does anyone else get confused with basic questions, or over-explain your answer?

[330]

I think I feel sometimes .

 

[Aspychata]

My stance is to clarify their question, you are asking me this because you are upset? Or confused? This gives me a head up in presenting a better answer and looking as if l am living in the moment, which is something l struggle with, because l don't always come across as sincere when l spout garble talk out of my piehole because l am not committed to the conversation.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

When I was a kid and long before I was diagnosed as being an Aspie, I didn’t quite understand what was being said to me when I was asked, “Now what do you not understand?” or something similar to that after being told some things. I interpreted it as meaning “What do you need repeating?” and I’d say “None of it” thinking that was the same as saying that I understood what was said to me. I kept doing this and this always frustrated my abuser and she complained to my therapist about this and when the therapist asked me why I did this, I told her what I thought the question meant and then everyone was like “Oh. He just didn’t understand the way the question was being said.”

 

[Darkkin]

I'm hyperspecific with language. If someone is being vague about a request I will straight out ask, 'What specifically are you looking for?' (Title, author, etc...). I don't need extraneous clutter from pointless jabbering because Person I wants to be conversational...e.g. The woman who decided to tell me that our historical fiction isn't alphabetically by title and we didn't have the book Salt to the Sea. Why don't we have Salt to the Sea?

1.) We don't have a historical fiction section. By default nearly 88% of all fiction is historical. If it is 10 years ago, it's historical. Is there a specific time period you were looking for? WWII, Great Depression, Jazz Age, the 1980's, Regency?

2.) It is alphabetical by author's last name.

3.) Salt to the Sea is a YA novel, it is with the YA fiction under the author's last name.

It took me about twenty seconds to find the book on the shelf...Instead of getting snotty and condescending all she would have had to ask is: Do you have item A? Thusly, there were faults with her search parameters. Most sections are alphabetical by author's last name. (The exceptions being manga, graphic novels, and beginning reader chapter books, which are always requested by the series title because of their sheer volume.)

The question was reasonable and valid, the way in which the request was being made, ineffective and inappropriate. If someone's question or concept is vague, I'm not going to tiptoe around, I ask questions and pin down specifics. If I get two workable points...a2+b2=c2. Most people don't really consider what they're asking or listen when they speak. I always assume I'm not being clear and concise enough, so I have hyperlinear reasoning mapped out into next Sunday.

People dither about clear communication and it can be irritating. Probably a big part of the reason I avoid people in general.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I do over-explain on occasion and only get confused when asked questions if they are said in a way that I don’t understand or aren’t specific enough.

 

[mylife2023]

Opening with "I feel" is a sign that the person is initiating a sales pitch. They're about to make something up to suit their argument. Just listen for the counter-factual content.

Then take a breath & count to 3 or 4.

Then decide how to handle it

If you must, you can address the fantasy part or deflect the discussion, but only do this if it definitely benefits you.
If it's just a stranger, disengage immediately. Also politely of course, but don't waste time or energy on them.

oh gosh.... I say "I feel" a lot.....

 

[mylife2023]

I think it's become more common as well. It's...really frustrating at times. Am I being more rational and less sympathetic/empathetic by stating 'I think' in situations?

I think the "I feel" evolution in conversations is so that people can avoid offending people. In the speeding example, the driver didn't want to flat out tell the cop that he as wrong, so he gave an NT response to the accusation.

We also say "I feel" when we aren't sure if we're right or not. I told my Aspie crush that "I felt that things had gotten a little awkward and I wanted to apologize...." of course, he said he didn't think they had and then that's when I really began to notice how he and I saw things completely different.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It's confusing because it's all in interpretation, and I get so...frustrated with myself. Is it a communication thing?

Almost always, it is a communication thing. More specifically, people are often not accurate in their language. Specific context and perspective are key to discussing any topic. If the topic is too broad, it becomes a bit nebulous and it is difficult to have those conversations. In fact, conflicts and disagreements can occur if one person presents a general topic or question, but, in their mind, they are speaking within their own perspective or context without the other understanding it. The other person, then has their own context and perspective, something different, and then that's when people "butt heads". The mistake being context and perspective were not prefaced, and the resultant language was not accurate.

1. When you don't know the specific context or perspective,...ask. Sometimes it makes all the difference in the world.
2. If you are bringing up a topic or a question, be accurate with your context and perspective. It's often not the question, but rather how it was asked. If you don't ask the right question, you won't get the right answer.

Examples from my field of medicine, neonatology.
1. How does an infant breathe?
2. How does a premature infant breathe?
3. How does a premature infant in the canalicular stage of fetal development breathe?
4. How does a premature infant in the canalicular stage of fetal development breathe while intubated on a ventilator?
5. How does a premature infant in the canalicular stage of fetal development breathe while intubated on a ventilator while in the NAVA mode?

You see, as the question becomes more and more specific with context and perspective, the answer requires an increasing amount of accuracy. The answer to #1 would be quite different than #5.

 

[VictorR]

I think I feel sometimes .

I think, therefore I feel.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

to the person asking me to be careful what you ask, my answer may not be what you expect, factually correct but not what you expect. be very specific.

 

[Rodafina]

I know this sounds really elementary, but one of the most freeing phrases that I have been able to say clearly for the past year is simply: “I don’t understand.”

Somehow, especially with my family, this has really worked to get them to stop and think about what they are saying and rephrase the question more meaningfully. My family is really trying to work with me.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I think the "I feel" evolution in conversations is so that people can avoid offending people. In the speeding example, the driver didn't want to flat out tell the cop that he as wrong, so he gave an NT response to the accusation.

We also say "I feel" when we aren't sure if we're right or not. I told my Aspie crush that "I felt that things had gotten a little awkward and I wanted to apologize...." of course, he said he didn't think they had and then that's when I really began to notice how he and I saw things completely different.

Hmm...very insightful. Thanks for your response!

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I know this sounds really elementary, but one of the most freeing phrases that I have been able to say clearly for the past year is simply: “I don’t understand.”

Somehow, especially with my family, this has really worked to get them to stop and think about what they are saying and rephrase the question more meaningfully. My family is really trying to work with me.

I've been more comfortable to say that I don't understand a a question in my relationship. It may be confusing why I don't understand, but...at least I'm voicing it, right?

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Almost always, it is a communication thing. More specifically, people are often not accurate in their language. Specific context and perspective are key to discussing any topic. If the topic is too broad, it becomes a bit nebulous and it is difficult to have those conversations. In fact, conflicts and disagreements can occur if one person presents a general topic or question, but, in their mind, they are speaking within their own perspective or context without the other understanding it. The other person, then has their own context and perspective, something different, and then that's when people "butt heads". The mistake being context and perspective were not prefaced, and the resultant language was not accurate.

1. When you don't know the specific context or perspective,...ask. Sometimes it makes all the difference in the world.
2. If you are bringing up a topic or a question, be accurate with your context and perspective. It's often not the question, but rather how it was asked. If you don't ask the right question, you won't get the right answer.

Examples from my field of medicine, neonatology.
1. How does an infant breathe?
2. How does a premature infant breathe?
3. How does a premature infant in the canalicular stage of fetal development breathe?
4. How does a premature infant in the canalicular stage of fetal development breathe while intubated on a ventilator?
5. How does a premature infant in the canalicular stage of fetal development breathe while intubated on a ventilator while in the NAVA mode?

You see, as the question becomes more and more specific with context and perspective, the answer requires an increasing amount of accuracy. The answer to #1 would be quite different than #5.

I find your words to be very helpful. Thank you!

 

[Hypnalis]

We also say "I feel" when we aren't sure if we're right or not.

This is what it used to mean in the context I described. Deployed correctly per your definition it's very useful.

The distinction between factual input ("I know"), 'I believe this to be true' (in the past, signified by "I feel"), and 'this is my opinion' ("I think") is very important. It's extremely unfortunate the meanings are shifting.

But this is the age of deliberately misused "Social Constructionism", and the language used to contextualize the content of normal discourse has been politicized. "I feel" has been hijacked to indicate incoming "Truthiness", and the old default assumption (unqualified statements are factual) has been suppressed.
Interpreting that kind of speech is difficult for Aspies.

So IMO, for an Aspie of OPs stated age, it's better to treat "I feel" at the beginning of a sentence as a fairly reliable indicator for incoming counter-factual content.

If the initial "parse" doesn't reveal any BS, it's easy to treat the content as true.
The reverse (e.g. assuming regurgitated "spin" to be literal truth) is not easy for an Aspie to handle.

 

[Rodafina]

I've been more comfortable to say that I don't understand a a question in my relationship. It may be confusing why I don't understand, but...at least I'm voicing it, right?

Yeah, I think part of why I am only recently comfortable saying it is because I don’t want people to think that I am dumb as in I don’t understand what they’re saying. It’s more that I don’t understand why they asked what they did.

“I don’t understand.” in a clear strong voice followed by a long pause is a new way for me to give myself a minute and figure out that I don’t understand what they’re asking or what the purpose is. I have been extremely prone to filling in the blanks through my life, and I usually short myself in this, assuming that I have done something wrong or that the person is being aggressive or intrusive in some way.

I guess, now that we are talking about it, I realize that it is more a way to give myself a minute, slow down the conversation or stop it for a minute and let me process what’s going on.

 

[Hylian]

This is confusing because I honestly think that "I think..." and "I feel..." are pretty similar statements if you are explaining your thoughts on something. I use them interchangeably and don't usually have an issue. I also think that OP answered their partners question just fine (the one they asked, if they worded it wrong or were too vague that's not OPs fault).

 

[Hypnalis]

@Hylian

OP mentioned being asked
"How do you feel about <a topic about which an Aspie might not react to emotionally>?" by his GF.
I didn't address that directly, and OP hasn't followed up.

@mylife2023 addressed another use and meaning of "feel".
Your usage (I think = I feel) has been also correct in the past - it wouldn't surprise me to find it in a dictionary - and would be correct in some contexts today.
I would note though - there are European ("Latin) languages with different, reasonably precise words for the three meanings I mentioned above. IMO this is sufficient evidence for the relevance of two of my assertions:
* Distinguishing between the three is useful
* It matters when the meanings are made less distinct by evolution/devolution of the language

In this case the problem is that the new meaning is used for a different purpose, and makes it a bit more difficult for ND's to accurately interpret NT speech. It's also easy to process in real time, as long as you know to start checking for truthiness/verisimilitude.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Yeah, I think part of why I am only recently comfortable saying it is because I don’t want people to think that I am dumb as in I don’t understand what they’re saying. It’s more that I don’t understand why they asked what they did.

“I don’t understand.” in a clear strong voice followed by a long pause is a new way for me to give myself a minute and figure out that I don’t understand what they’re asking or what the purpose is. I have been extremely prone to filling in the blanks through my life, and I usually short myself in this, assuming that I have done something wrong or that the person is being aggressive or intrusive in some way.

I guess, now that we are talking about it, I realize that it is more a way to give myself a minute, slow down the conversation or stop it for a minute and let me process what’s going on.

I like what you've written; I relate to it very much.

 

[The Pandector]

It's confusing because it's all in interpretation, and I get so...frustrated with myself. Is it a communication thing?

For example, my fiancee was recently talking to me about a certain TikTok where a girl was saying that her sensory-overload aisle in the grocery store was the spice aisle. "How do you feel about that?" my fiancee asked. Here is where the issue starts: I don't know how I feel about something until I've experienced it; I can explain what I think of something (this was one of the first frustrations in our relationship from a communication/question perspective, because I cannot relate to imaginary feelings about situations). But the other part was that to me, it seemed like there was more than one question. Maybe I'm just not writing it out correctly as it happened, but bear with me.

I forget what the specific words my fiancee used to form the question, but my answer was something along the lines of, "I can understand how it may be overwhelming but I cannot relate to if it may cause sensory overload." My fiancee got a bit frustrated. "That's not what I'm asking," they said. It's...it's like sometimes people will ask a question and use the wrong words, making us decipher what they really meant by using the wrong words? How can the common language we both speak need translation between the two of us? My brain...

I'm not writing to bash my fiancee--just vent a little bit. I got frustrated too and said that sometimes with some questions I will hear it as two separate questions, or maybe I cannot answer the given question because the words don't sound like anything I can relate to, so my answer may be longer-winded than what they hoped for. It would be much more helpful if there were a few relevant questions added after, to which I can add a more in-depth answer.

Also as an unrelated side-note I feel like I messed up during a job interview because the interviewer began the interview with a statement, and not a question: "Tell me a bit more about yourself." What? We just met and settled in the interview room, and I sat there for a few seconds like a mannequin. "I--I'm sorry?" I said. "I didn't realize it was a question." Because it wasn't a question. One struggle I've noticed lately with my autism is that it takes me a very long time to cobble together an answer and have a conversation because I'll pause to keep collecting my thoughts and have them come out right.

It's not been a fun time lately. :/

I’m a lot like this. I see it as being literal. I hear in a literal fashion. I think this is why I excel at some things and stink at others. To be specific, I stink at understanding people who use perfect diction to mumble and mutter their meaning. Apparently, this is considered quite politic and diplomatic. I have no problem understanding diplomats, because a good one is sure to say what they intend. The average NT …