Do female aspies have it easier in dating?

[peoplesrjames]

I have been doing a lot of reading and attending a few Aspie meetups and it seems like female aspies are more likely to end up in long term relationships. I find a lot that are married or dating, but it seems male aspies usually end up single for life. Am I the only one that's noticed that?

 

[Ste11aeres]

I have been doing a lot of reading and attending a few Aspie meetups and it seems like female aspies are more likely to end up in long term relationships. I find a lot that are married or dating, but it seems male aspies usually end up single for life. Am I the only one that's noticed that?

On the internet, there are lots and lots of NT women complaining about their allegedly Aspie husbands.

And I've known a fair number of Aspie women in real life, and only one of them was in a relationship. Her husband was an Aspie.

 

[Häxan]

On the internet, there are lots and lots of NT women complaining about their allegedly Aspie husbands.

And I've known a fair number of Aspie women in real life, and only one of them was in a relationship. Her husband was an Aspie.

I am autistic and have been married 9 years (together 10) to a non-autistic man. We seem to get along well and like eachother very much.

I think some (very little) autistic females may have it easier because they can be good at mimicking and may inturn have an easier time to socially blend in. Of course not in all cases, I believe it is rare, but in some.

 

[Tom]

The problem with projections like this is that to make an accurate statement, you need to see all the Aspies.

Science also still says for every female aspie there are 4 male aspies. I have a hard time believing that, and think the ratio closer but have to accept it until it can be proven otherwise.

But this much is true. For every single (unmarried) male there is also an unmarried female. Except maybe in places that practice polygamy.

 

[Ste11aeres]

The problem with projections like this is that to make an accurate statement, you need to see all the Aspies.

Science also still says for every female aspie there are 4 male aspies. I have a hard time believing that, and think the ratio closer but have to accept it until it can be proven otherwise.

But this much is true. For every single (unmarried) male there is also an unmarried female. Except maybe in places that practice polygamy.

In the United States there are probably slightly more unmarried females than unmarried males, since there are (slightly) more females than males in the USA, and twice as many men as women openly identify as gay.

 

[peoplesrjames]

I don't know. Just seems to me for female aspies, I think some of the awkwardness and oddness comes across as cute and quirky whereas with men it just comes across as weird.

 

[Elpis]

I don't really think we have it much easier. Unless it's with someone else on the spectrum I've found most people don't really understand it and find our quirkiness' too weird. But that has been my experience mostly growing up around NTs.

 

[yesithinkso]

This stereotype always depresses me. I'm a woman past my twenties and have never been in a relationship whatsoever (not even a short/fake one). Kind of makes me think there's something seriously wrong with me.

 

[Sass]

Perhaps the things we have trouble with are things you don't have trouble with? Sweeping generalisations here, (as they can only be when making a statement about gender), but as an autistic woman I didn't have a huge amount of trouble finding boyfriends once I got into my later teens, but they never lasted once the dude discovered what I was 'really' like. So yeah, it was 'yay, someone is interested', quickly turning to 'oh sh*t, what I am is not desirable and he just wanted a bit of fun'. So many dashed hopes.

Generally speaking, autistic or not, women probably find it easier to find someone, it's the maintaining a relationship part that can be just as hard.

Of course, this doesn't take into account people of other gender configurations/sexualities. I can't speak to that anyway.

 

[jimmypop]

I agree. Dudes are expected to take a more assertive stance and awkwardness does not help.

 

[Goatscoat]

I can speak of what I know with absolute certainty:
I have it 100% easier than any male friends of mine with asperger's do. Mainly because men approach me rather casually and they seem to always appreciate that I don't "play games". Overall, An aspie male might struggle with a NT girlfriend because she /might/ be inclined to desire "games".
What does kinda "suck" is that I don't understand the males who are effectively trying to play a seduction game with me in order to y'know, seduce me. I've been in situations where I've been invited to go hang out with another person, 1 on 1, and I even got gifted teddy bears and so on, and I still didn't understand what was going on throughout the entire "date" because it was never stated it was a "date".

I only ever realized what had happened on this 1 on 1 "hangout" because I'd then talk about how my day was to a friend and they'd explain to me: "I mean, I think he was trying to tell you he likes you". Still, I've never felt passionate or infatuated with men/boys who aren't upfront about their feelings and who I don't see eye to eye with. And I don't think I've ever been interested in a relationship with someone I then didn't end up being in a relationship with.

Maybe I'm aware of how "standards" work, and overall, I may be rational enough about it to, almost immediately, know the type of people I shouldn't waste energy fawning over. It's easy to decide when not to fall in love, just stop doing whatever it is that is making the little spark of affection grow stronger, and be aware of it.

 

[peoplesrjames]

OK, let me clarify. I wasn't meaning to suggest that female aspies are just automatically going to end up in relationships. I was just saying that from my personal observation, they just seem to have it easier and don't seem to deal with a lot of the more turnoffish things that males have to deal with like fashion and stuff.

 

[ancusmitis]

I have received reports from women that there are certain guys who will not "take no for an answer" and will continue pursuing a woman for sex even though she has made her disinterest clear. So a simple "no" just doesn't do the trick. But if she claims to be in a relationship, they will back off. There may be fewer women in relationships than it appears. Not because they are dishonest, but sometimes a certain answer has to be given regardless of its veracity as a survival mechanism.

It's true that traditionally, men are "supposed" to take an active role and women a passive one, but goodness not everyone follows those old rules anymore, and I don't see why we should.

 

[yesithinkso]

OK, let me clarify. I wasn't meaning to suggest that female aspies are just automatically going to end up in relationships. I was just saying that from my personal observation, they just seem to have it easier and don't seem to deal with a lot of the more turnoffish things that males have to deal with like fashion and stuff.

Well, your allegedly subjective observation is incorrect only perpetuates the potentially misogynistic view that "women have it easier" be it in dating or life in general. It's also hurtful for women like me, whose firsthand experience is often dismissed as if we didn't matter because we weren't like the "typical" women.

It may be true that some people expect men to be the pursuer, but then think about what it means for women who have or WANT to pursue. The former is most likely be labeled desperate, while the latter a variation of the s-word. Now I'm not taking the opposite stance and saying "women have it worse," my point is simply that you need to keep thinking the grass is greener on the other side, because most likely it just isn't.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Well, your allegedly subjective observation is incorrect only perpetuates the potentially misogynistic view that "women have it easier" be it in dating or life in general. It's also hurtful for women like me, whose firsthand experience is often dismissed as if we didn't matter because we weren't like the "typical" women.

It may be true that some people expect men to be the pursuer, but then think about what it means for women who have or WANT to pursue. The former is most likely be labeled desperate, while the latter a variation of the s-word. Now I'm not taking the opposite stance and saying "women have it worse," my point is simply that you need to keep thinking the grass is greener on the other side, because most likely it just isn't.

I actually have pursued.
I think that where it gets worst for women is not when we want to pursue...it's when we don't want to be pursued. The men-as-pursuers dynamic, allows some guys to do all sorts of creepiness, while telling themselves that they're just "pursuing."

 

[ancusmitis]

I actually have pursued.
I think that where it gets worst for women is not when we want to pursue...it's when we don't want to be pursued. The men-as-pursuers dynamic, allows some guys to do all sorts of creepiness, while telling themselves that they're just "pursuing."

I had one classmate this year where pursuit crossed all the way over into harassment, but nobody wanted to do anything because he was "just pursuing." One time she ran away from him and he literally chased after her. There's really no excuse for subjecting people to this kind of mistreatment. This is not okay and it needs to stop.

 

[Ste11aeres]

One time she ran away from him and he literally chased after her.

For a comedic yet dark depiction of this, check out the early part of the seventh episode of the TV show 'Master of None.'

 

[NovaScotia Aspie]

I agree. Dudes are expected to take a more assertive stance and awkwardness does not help.

Men are usually the ones who are expected to initiate or be the one asking a female out on a date so I would think initially it is harder for a male aspie to get the ball rolling . Once a potential relationship gets off the ground ( dating has begun ) both sexes probably face the same difficulties . For many male aspies , I would think taking the plunge and asking a woman out is a big hurdle to overcome .

 

[Ste11aeres]

I have noticed a trend-and this is purely anecdotal, anyone can contradict me if they like. I have noticed a trend among the Aspies I have encountered, where the male Aspies seem to really want to date, and to sometimes be unsuccessful, or to take non-success particularly hard (come on, NTs get rejected too, in their dating lives), whereas the female Aspies I have known have tended to simply not really want to date.

 

[Goatscoat]

Female aspies tend to not want to date because we feel ultimately vulnerable and very often think males are incredibly erratic and unpredictable. We may also be more in-tune with the fact that a sexual partner has to be able to satisfy us at least as much as we satisfy them, unlike most women who, at times, will settle for men who only care about whether or not they themselves came.

Also, men who try really hard to "get to know us" spark immediate mistrust. The men who have made it more obvious or who tried to "play the seduction game" are the men I've grown to be unable to feel even relatively safe when in the same room as them.

Overall, most men must be out to get highly volatile women with patriarchy really deeply engraved in their souls who enjoy "playing the seduction game".