jamesaldrin
Well-Known Member
Tl;dr (too long-didnt read): I have a mentality where certain people in my life have a "disgusting" energy to them. I refuse to tell them about the things in life that I enjoy, because if they know what I like, then I won't like it anymore. But even if I don't tell them anything, I keep having intrusive thoughts about them.
Hey. I have two obsessions (that I am conciously aware of). One of them is irrelevant for the sake of this thread. The other one is the purpose for this thread:
This isn't an easy obsession to explain, but here is my explanation: Do you know how there are people (NTs included) who are obsessed with certain time periods? Like a guy whos obsessed with the 80's, and his house is all decorated with 80's posters and he dresses like people from 80's movies (such as Grease) and only listens to 80's music? My obsession is kind of like that.
I am obsessed with my four years of high school. Each one has its own distinctive feel to it. I am obsessed with being able to re-live the four years whenever I want. This can be difficult, but just focusing hard on the different music I listened to, thought patterns I had at the time, animes I watched (I only watch animes), and so on can bring me back into the mental state I had at the time.
The four years, which i refer to as Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, and Senior years, are all complex (infinitely, I'd like to think) so that I can not explain them. But here is a generalized view of Freshman year so that you get the idea:
Freshman year: This is the year where being in High School was a big thing for me. I was depressed and wanted to jump in front of the train I took home. [Gym teacher of the time]'s class was a strong feature; I had to change into the school uniform for it which made me uncomfortable. Along the time that I was uncomfortable with changing, which was around September-October, I was playing the video game American Mcgee's Alice. (A school year where I live is from September to June.) Shortly thereafter, I discovered Kid Cudi. Kid Cudi would be the bright light in my world, or the one thing I looked up to. I would play on a particular Minecraft server every day. When I think of Freshman year, one of Kid Cudi's song's instantly starts playing in my head. From December to February, the anime "One Piece" was my life. I try to re-feel the emotions I felt for it during Freshman year to try and re-live Freshman year. I also try to listen to the music I listen to (Kid Cudi and the American Mcgee's Alice Soundtrack) to try and put myself back in Freshman year.
Each year is distinct like that. Sophomore year was more of a "cool" year where I started to discover things cool things at home such as dubstep and interacted with distinctive, but influential classmates. Junior year was the year after I started trying to become normal. Senior year was the year that I became a hot guy and got into a bad habit that I won't name.
Anyways, I have a huge block in trying to enjoy reliving the years. In my head, my parents corrupt the things I like. If I think of an anime I like, for example, then I can easily stop my enjoyment of thinking about it by having an image of my mother pop into my head. And so, pretty much every time I try to re-live something from the four years, be it an anime, a song, or perhaps a girl I liked, thoughts of my family pop into my head and corrupt the things I like.
This is especially bad if my parents have some sort of awareness about something that I like. If they heard me listen to a song during the four years, then it becomes difficult indulge in thinking about that song.
These are intrusive thoughts that are corrupting the thoughts that I want to indulge in. Even if there's no relation between my parents and the thing I'm thinking about, I'll automatically make something up (i.e. that character from One Piece looks like my father -> character ruined).
I avoid going deep into thought of the years because of fear of having thoughts of my parents interject. I want to relive the years. I want to relive Junior year's watching Clannad and then eating my bodybuilding food while thinking about [girl I liked in Junior] year and my slowly getting brighter life during that time. I want to relive the depression I felt during Junior year's [certain important class with important people]. But I'm afraid to try to think about them because of intrusive thoughts about my family.
This probably won't make sense to a lot of people. I hope that it makes sense to a few though so that they can help me figure this out.
I feel this disgust of people and fear that they'll corrupt my thoughts with certain people. My family, yes, but also a few other people. There's a guy who I would never tell if I had a girlfriend because his knowledge of this fact would ruin her (the girlfriend) for me. He's a guy who I'm very close to and have shared many intimate moments with (telling him my secrets, sharing laughs, etc.)
I guess that, ultimately, I'm asking for help in getting rid of this "corrupted people" mentality.
Hey. I have two obsessions (that I am conciously aware of). One of them is irrelevant for the sake of this thread. The other one is the purpose for this thread:
This isn't an easy obsession to explain, but here is my explanation: Do you know how there are people (NTs included) who are obsessed with certain time periods? Like a guy whos obsessed with the 80's, and his house is all decorated with 80's posters and he dresses like people from 80's movies (such as Grease) and only listens to 80's music? My obsession is kind of like that.
I am obsessed with my four years of high school. Each one has its own distinctive feel to it. I am obsessed with being able to re-live the four years whenever I want. This can be difficult, but just focusing hard on the different music I listened to, thought patterns I had at the time, animes I watched (I only watch animes), and so on can bring me back into the mental state I had at the time.
The four years, which i refer to as Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, and Senior years, are all complex (infinitely, I'd like to think) so that I can not explain them. But here is a generalized view of Freshman year so that you get the idea:
Freshman year: This is the year where being in High School was a big thing for me. I was depressed and wanted to jump in front of the train I took home. [Gym teacher of the time]'s class was a strong feature; I had to change into the school uniform for it which made me uncomfortable. Along the time that I was uncomfortable with changing, which was around September-October, I was playing the video game American Mcgee's Alice. (A school year where I live is from September to June.) Shortly thereafter, I discovered Kid Cudi. Kid Cudi would be the bright light in my world, or the one thing I looked up to. I would play on a particular Minecraft server every day. When I think of Freshman year, one of Kid Cudi's song's instantly starts playing in my head. From December to February, the anime "One Piece" was my life. I try to re-feel the emotions I felt for it during Freshman year to try and re-live Freshman year. I also try to listen to the music I listen to (Kid Cudi and the American Mcgee's Alice Soundtrack) to try and put myself back in Freshman year.
Each year is distinct like that. Sophomore year was more of a "cool" year where I started to discover things cool things at home such as dubstep and interacted with distinctive, but influential classmates. Junior year was the year after I started trying to become normal. Senior year was the year that I became a hot guy and got into a bad habit that I won't name.
Anyways, I have a huge block in trying to enjoy reliving the years. In my head, my parents corrupt the things I like. If I think of an anime I like, for example, then I can easily stop my enjoyment of thinking about it by having an image of my mother pop into my head. And so, pretty much every time I try to re-live something from the four years, be it an anime, a song, or perhaps a girl I liked, thoughts of my family pop into my head and corrupt the things I like.
This is especially bad if my parents have some sort of awareness about something that I like. If they heard me listen to a song during the four years, then it becomes difficult indulge in thinking about that song.
These are intrusive thoughts that are corrupting the thoughts that I want to indulge in. Even if there's no relation between my parents and the thing I'm thinking about, I'll automatically make something up (i.e. that character from One Piece looks like my father -> character ruined).
I avoid going deep into thought of the years because of fear of having thoughts of my parents interject. I want to relive the years. I want to relive Junior year's watching Clannad and then eating my bodybuilding food while thinking about [girl I liked in Junior] year and my slowly getting brighter life during that time. I want to relive the depression I felt during Junior year's [certain important class with important people]. But I'm afraid to try to think about them because of intrusive thoughts about my family.
This probably won't make sense to a lot of people. I hope that it makes sense to a few though so that they can help me figure this out.
I feel this disgust of people and fear that they'll corrupt my thoughts with certain people. My family, yes, but also a few other people. There's a guy who I would never tell if I had a girlfriend because his knowledge of this fact would ruin her (the girlfriend) for me. He's a guy who I'm very close to and have shared many intimate moments with (telling him my secrets, sharing laughs, etc.)
I guess that, ultimately, I'm asking for help in getting rid of this "corrupted people" mentality.