Did masking take away my past

[Pats]

I have memories of my childhood but I wish I knew who I was as a child. I wish I knew how others perceived me. When I learned a couple years ago that I was on the spectrum, it was a relief to know why dealing with the world had been so difficult, but I want so much to be able to see my childhood but it was so long ago. I've spent most my life masking that I feel like the opportunity to know who I was has been lost. When did I start masking? As far back as I can remember I started acting like my brother - he was funny and well liked.
Or I was told who to be:

I was the youngest and had to go along with a life that was not me:

Friends and parties that I didn't want and I didn't choose.

How much was me?

The pictures behind me were me - maybe that's why I always liked photographs - so I could keep those precious times with me and put them on my wall and always keep the west close to me. That's the only thing I know for certain is my love for the west.
But now mostly surrounded by the life I made when I wasn't me.

And many rewards with it, but was never really me and I feel a bit guilty for that sometimes. I guess if I had been me all along, none of these beautiful, happy kids would exist.

 

[Judge]

The most important aspect of the equation is that YOU know who you really are and always have been. That masking itself doesn't take away our true identity. And that what others think for better or worse doesn't really matter.

After all, one comes into this plane of existence alone. And that they'll leave it in the same manner.

 

[Peter Morrison]

Hi Pats - I can understand your confusion. As Judge pointed out, the real you was always there. You went along with everything around you, as we all did in most cases. I'm dealing with understanding details of my feelings and thoughts between ages 10 and 18. That's a long span. I have some vivid memories, but I can't produce memories that I want to help me comprehend stages and transitions. Old photographs can help a bit, but I am still trying to fill in the gaps, and there are many. Maybe you are experiencing the same. Not sure.

 

[Mia]

Think that your on a search Pats, still. For the longest time I searched never knowing who I really was; The child, sister, daughter, student, wife, caretaker. Did the things I was supposed to do, dictated by others. Who was I in all this? Who and what are we? As the youngest it's likely that you were guided (controlled) by parents and siblings, then by whoever you were in relationships with. Told what to wear and do and think and how to act. Noticed the dresses in the second picture, there used to be one of myself and two other sisters with the similar dresses (nylon or polyester and itchy?) except they were yellow.

Often, were given few choices if any as children, so that we get to think for ourselves, females especially were protected, independence for females was frowned on in my era. Was brought up to be a housewife, mother, wife. Because that's what was expected in the working class of my time. Then all h*** broke loose with the changes of the seventies and eighties.

Moved away, worked and went to school. Because I wanted something else. Wanted something more than what I was trained from birth to be. Yet it was there, that inborn guilt, that I should have done what my parents and grandparents wanted. In all the doing and working and living there was little time left for self-realization. It's time for you do that now that you can make time for yourself. Went on a few trips by myself for months at a time. Traveled by train through parts of europe, hiked on parts of the long trail alone for a few weeks.

Started my journey four years ago, when I retired. It's ongoing. It takes time and patience and it comes with small clue like revelations now and then. Looked at pictures from childhood, wrote journals, kept posterboards with things written on them that I like, thought. Each day I would make new ones, and then look at them at the end of the week. Then I'd condense the things that seemed promising and familiar. Did it for months. And it gave me some clues as to who I am. You'll find out. Give yourself time.

 

[Pats]

The most important aspect of the equation is that YOU know who you really are and always have been. That masking itself doesn't take away our true identity. And that what others think for better or worse doesn't really matter.

After all, one comes into this plane of existence alone. And that they'll leave it in the same manner.

But it's like I'm just surrounded by photographs on my wall of the life I wanted while surrounded by the life I didn't really ask for (can't get myself to say want). I love them with my heart and feel a bond with my kids and grandkids that I would have otherwise never known, but it was never me.

Hi Pats - I can understand your confusion. As Judge pointed out, the real you was always there. You went along with everything around you, as we all did in most cases. I'm dealing with understanding details of my feelings and thoughts between ages 10 and 18. That's a long span. I have some vivid memories, but I can't produce memories that I want to help me comprehend stages and transitions. Old photographs can help a bit, but I am still trying to fill in the gaps, and there are many. Maybe you are experiencing the same. Not sure.

I think so - wanting to fill the gaps and make it all make sense. And you're absolutely right with going along with everything around me. Thanks for putting it into better words.

 

[Pats]

Think that your on a search Pats, still. For the longest time I searched for myself never knowing who I really was; The sister, daughter, student, wife, caretaker. Did the things I was supposed to do, dictated by others. But where was I in all this? Who and what are we? As the youngest it's likely that you were guided (controlled) by parents and siblings, then by whoever you were in relationships with. Told what to wear and do and think and how to act. I noticed the dresses in the second picture, there used to be one of myself and two other sisters with the similar dresses (nylon or polyester and itchy?) except they were yellow.

Often, were given few choices if any as children, so that we get to think for ourselves, females especially are protected, independence for females was frowned upon in my era. I was brought up to be a housewife, mother, wife. Because that's what was expected in the working class of my time. Then all h*** broke loose with the changes of the seventies and eighties.

Moved away, worked and went to school. Because I wanted something else. Wanted something more than what I was trained from birth to be. Yet it was there, that inborn guilt, that I should have done what my parents and grandparents wanted. In all the doing and working and living there was little time left to find out who I am. It's time for you do that now that you can make time for yourself. Went on a few trips by myself for months at a time. Traveled by train through parts of europe, hiked on parts of the long trail alone for a few weeks.

Started my journey four years ago, when I retired. It's ongoing. It takes time and patience and it comes with small clue like revelations now and then. Looked at pictures from childhood, wrote journals, kept posterboards with things written on them that I like, thought. Each day I would make new ones, and then look at them at the end of the week. Then I'd condense the things that seemed promising and familiar. Did it for months. And it gave me some clues as to who I am. You'll find out. Give yourself time.

Yes, I can very vividly remember how itchy that dress was. lol
And you're so right in being guided by everyone (siblings were more controlling than my mom was) And my dad - well, he made the statement once and he meant it - I was allowed to speak my mind only when it agreed with him. That was the way we were brought up. So, yes, where was I in all this?
And I want to travel around the west so bad but now I can't afford to just go and afraid to go alone.

 

[Autistamatic]

I was a teenager when I was diagnosed and still spent the next 35 years masking. Few people know the real me - the insecurities, the struggle to fit in so I can stay in work, the confusion, the aching fatigue at the end of a day at work wearing somebody else's face.
I've told so few people over the years and those I have told it's not always been a good idea. Masking is an essential skill in the world we currently live in. Very few of my friends have ever known of my AS, only 2 of the women in my life have known - I never even shared it with my first wife.
These days there are only 2 places I can be myself without faking it: at home with my wife and here on this forum.
I understand why you wish you had known sooner, I know I would if I had only recently been diagnosed, but most of your life would have either been the same because you had to mask anyway to survive, or very different - likely much emptier because you didn't mask and missed loads of the opportunities you've had.
I'm glad you found out in the end though because it led you to this forum and and allowed us to get to know you

 

[Crossbreed]

@Pats , is that you and your kids in the last picture?

 

[Pats]

@Pats , is that you and your kids in the last picture?

that's 3 of my grandkids.

 

[Judge]

But it's like I'm just surrounded by photographs on my wall of the life I wanted while surrounded by the life I didn't really ask for (can't get myself to say want). I love them with my heart and feel a bond with my kids and grandkids that I would have otherwise never known, but it was never me.

Neurologically speaking I don't think anyone can truly know us, no matter how close their bond might be with us. But then maybe that's just it. That whatever bond you hold with them is simply far more important.

 

[BraidedPony]

Masking is the issue I’ve been thinking about lately. I don’t know how to tell what is me and what is a mask, since I’ve been masking for 60 years!
I’m feeling like I’m learning the difference a bit every day, if it’s a quiet day. If something unexpected comes up, then it’s automatically mask time.
Masking changes our past I think but never changed us at our core. We make socially acceptable choices when we are young. If I had done what I wanted I would have become a veterinarian, rode a motorcycle and smoked a pipe. But instead I got married, baked bread and became the crazy dog lady.
We need, we as in senior women, to think more about our futures in as positive way possible. I try not to worry about physical health issues stopping me. And mental health issues...lol...heck I’m used to those now!

 

[Pats]

Masking is the issue I’ve been thinking about lately. I don’t know how to tell what is me and what is a mask, since I’ve been masking for 60 years!
I’m feeling like I’m learning the difference a bit every day, if it’s a quiet day. If something unexpected comes up, then it’s automatically mask time.
Masking changes our past I think but never changed us at our core. We make socially acceptable choices when we are young. If I had done what I wanted I would have become a veterinarian, rode a motorcycle and smoked a pipe. But instead I got married, baked bread and became the crazy dog lady.
We need, we as in senior women, to think more about our futures in as positive way possible. I try not to worry about physical health issues stopping me. And mental health issues...lol...heck I’m used to those now!

Yes, I wanted to be 'Then Came Bronson", traveling on his motorcycle from town to town doing odd jobs to keep going. Maybe, it's better that I did what was expected instead. lol

 

[Pats]

that's 3 of my grandkids.

and I do enjoy being knocked down when they all run to me at the same time.

 

[OkRad]

If you are happy now, your masking may have protected you. We never know "how things could have been." You are alive, you are happy......something inside of you helped you do whatever you needed to do to be where you are now.

 

[offkey]

A lot of this is familiar to me. I've been thinking a lot about my childhood. Some of the decisions my parents made were probably with good intentions, but I'm not sure if they improved things for me. I wonder if they enabled me to deal with my restrictions in such a way that I could develop more self-esteem. If they could have.

It's weird. On the one hand, I have the feeling I lack the sense of a coherent, solid self. I tend to ask questions and have a lot of doubts. But on the other hand, I know I have deep convictions, strong feelings, clear memories, and what not. Also about my inner life. I guess that's what makes a self, a self. But perhaps for neurotypicals, the 'self' (and what that self is, or means) has a stronger connection with the group and other people, and I don't necessarily feel attached to groups or other people. I feel strong bonds with my family, but not with many other people.

This brings more anxiety, on top of the anxiety that I may experience in social or emotional situations. And many more questions: Is this just the way my brain is wired, or have I been trained to respond with anxiety to situations in which that what is essential to being ME, is questioned or contested? I think our individuality is often questioned more implicitly, because we're constantly pressured (or feel the pressure) to conform. To adapt. To be what other people expect from us.

 

[Progster]

I don't consider that masking took away my past, but that not knowing that I was on the spectrum and making bad decisions probably did to some extent... well, not take my past away, just changed it. Not much point in dwelling over it, what is done is done.

 

[George Newman]

Hi ya, Pats. So first off. It’s wonderful to see your life’s pictures. They were all great to see. Your grand babies are just that ... grand. How wonderful! Now a George Newman story. So I have a friend that is classic neurotypical. I can detect not an autistic bone in her body. She is flying thru life and in her mind she is number one. Her’s is the first and last word in how to live life. Here confidence in herself is stunning. On the other hand, She has been clear that most of her life was lived to meet the expectations of those around her. Many of her biggest achievements were to satisfy someone else. Her thoughts seem to be centered around college and career. I guess what I am getting at is that I believe to some extent every person at some point in life looks back and feels like some of life was just “not mine”. In some instances the outcome is good but the “what-ifs” can be full of loss or thoughts of “misses” Now I can relate perfectly with you. I understand now that much of my life was a mask .... I was compensating to appear “normal”. I was compensating for traits that would otherwise be not preceded as “normal”. I would encourage you to embrace the lovely memories and set a course for the remainder of your life taking into account who you know you are today. I know your are and I know it’s hard to not look back on life and wonder what life might have been like if. I see many of your posts here and I think you are a great thinker and I am confident you are charting a course to enjoy life now. I sure do appreciate you posting this. Your post was wonderful to consider and I appreciate you taking time to read thru my random thoughts. I don’t think masking took your past. It’s there. Thank you, Pats.

 

[Pondering]

As someone who went through a very similar experience, I can definitely understand where you're coming from. I don't think masking took away your past because you still have those memories. You might have had a mask, but based on what you've said, your mask has not become your face. At any rate, I find that masks are very personal in that you are its designer, meaning that at the time it perhaps may have been a part of you necessary for you to get through your particular set of challenges at the time you were using it. What you understand now benefits you now and in the future. And although knowing what you know now may have also benefited you years ago, it may not have led to you becoming the person you are today. Sometimes it takes living with a set of personality traits different from our own in order to understand who we are as individuals and who we are not. It's something many of us go through - men and women, people who are neurotypical and people on the spectrum. And like the other comments have mentioned, you could also choose to look at your mask as a variance of yourself.

 

[BeachLife]

Thanks for sharing those beautiful photos. As I was reading, I was thinking that it's really never too late to do whatever the heck you want with your life. It is a magical thing really. I relate in the sense that I have been revisiting childhood and early teenage years. I found my first favourite storybook online and bought it! I've been listening to music on youtube from when in was 13-16yrs old to bring back memories and help me put the pieces together. It's been great, and also brought back some very funny memories and given me a good chuckle. I was only very recently diagnosed. I spent most of my adult life in the LGTBQI arts scene. The mask I wore then, was the one that helped me live out my own fantasies of who I was. Outrageous. Over the top colourful. Loud. Madonna type confidence lol. The thing was....it worked. Everyone loved it, loved me...and here I had a massive social network...of people who didn't really know me at all! . Being an empath, and also with the ability to hyper focus my attention onto people when I found them interesting, I found that this was really addictive for people. They couldn't get enough of me. My phone was constantly ringing and I was either working at, or invited to all the coolest events. When I began to mature and ''grow into my skin'' I found that I started to have less and less friends. Fast forward to the present, and around the time that I was diagnosed (few months ago) I started to experiment with giving people virtually no energy or attention (unless we were connecting and I liked them, or they were already a friend). i'm just talking about my interactions with people that I cross paths with on a daily basis like teachers at the kids school pick up, or shop attendants etc. It felt good. I felt empowered not to have to impress anyone. I didn't care less if they liked me or not. Then it got me thinking. Energetically, it didn't actually feel nice after a while. I realised that I had become a bit of a ''bad vibe'' to be around, just because I was being selfish. Maybe that is being a bit harsh on myself...I was actually just experimenting with owning my autism. Owning my right to just be me. The subject of masking is so incredibly interesting to me, in fact it was these types of conversations in forums that convinced me that I was actually autistic as I just so strongly identified with what particularly the women were describing. Currently, I am still in the middle of this experiment, but have taken a slightly different approach. I have remembered times, only a few years ago where I seemed to have a good balance. I was masking, but I had found a way to envelope my high energy optimistic true self into a super confident character (which was the mask, as I always still knew deep down that I didn't fit in perfectly as others seemed to). I was still wearing reasonably outlandish creative clothing compared to my friends/colleagues (which is my real taste!) My memories of this particular time in life are that I actually just made people around me feel happy, friendly towards me. Their happiness then reflected back to me and genuinely felt quite good socially. I'm still not out the other end of all of this, but am thinking that I want to try to get back to a place similar to that. NT's may call such common behaviour 'social niceties', and I'm liking the idea more and more. I would never ever return to the exhausted performer I once was (as fun as it was being an 'it girl')...it was just too far from my true self. Today my true self is quiet...a lot. My true self is also loud and boisterous sometimes. As a mid forties woman, My true self likes to wear white plain classic clothes ...sometimes. I'm now having days again where my true self wants to dress in beautiful colourful creative clothes, to reflect my bright mood. It seems to put a (real) smile on the faces of those who I encounter in my day.
I certainly won't mask anymore when I'm feeling unsafe, or triggered just to make other people feel comfortable. I will simply explain that I am upset by whatever it is. But...the ''good vibe'' that i'm giving and getting from some basic social niceties seem to be well worth the little effort. I'm enjoying your posts, thanks so much for your honesty.

 

[OlLiE]

the fact that you had to mask, shows that you needed to adapt from how you really were,
so that implies that you always knew who you were

as a child, i think we experience and live who we are,
i think it is only later in life that we become 'mature' enough to ponder the past