Did masking take away my past

[Pats]

Thanks for sharing those beautiful photos. As I was reading, I was thinking that it's really never too late to do whatever the heck you want with your life. It is a magical thing really. I relate in the sense that I have been revisiting childhood and early teenage years. I found my first favourite storybook online and bought it! I've been listening to music on youtube from when in was 13-16yrs old to bring back memories and help me put the pieces together. It's been great, and also brought back some very funny memories and given me a good chuckle. I was only very recently diagnosed. I spent most of my adult life in the LGTBQI arts scene. The mask I wore then, was the one that helped me live out my own fantasies of who I was. Outrageous. Over the top colourful. Loud. Madonna type confidence lol. The thing was....it worked. Everyone loved it, loved me...and here I had a massive social network...of people who didn't really know me at all! . Being an empath, and also with the ability to hyper focus my attention onto people when I found them interesting, I found that this was really addictive for people. They couldn't get enough of me. My phone was constantly ringing and I was either working at, or invited to all the coolest events. When I began to mature and ''grow into my skin'' I found that I started to have less and less friends. Fast forward to the present, and around the time that I was diagnosed (few months ago) I started to experiment with giving people virtually no energy or attention (unless we were connecting and I liked them, or they were already a friend). i'm just talking about my interactions with people that I cross paths with on a daily basis like teachers at the kids school pick up, or shop attendants etc. It felt good. I felt empowered not to have to impress anyone. I didn't care less if they liked me or not. Then it got me thinking. Energetically, it didn't actually feel nice after a while. I realised that I had become a bit of a ''bad vibe'' to be around, just because I was being selfish. Maybe that is being a bit harsh on myself...I was actually just experimenting with owning my autism. Owning my right to just be me. The subject of masking is so incredibly interesting to me, in fact it was these types of conversations in forums that convinced me that I was actually autistic as I just so strongly identified with what particularly the women were describing. Currently, I am still in the middle of this experiment, but have taken a slightly different approach. I have remembered times, only a few years ago where I seemed to have a good balance. I was masking, but I had found a way to envelope my high energy optimistic true self into a super confident character (which was the mask, as I always still knew deep down that I didn't fit in perfectly as others seemed to). I was still wearing reasonably outlandish creative clothing compared to my friends/colleagues (which is my real taste!) My memories of this particular time in life are that I actually just made people around me feel happy, friendly towards me. Their happiness then reflected back to me and genuinely felt quite good socially. I'm still not out the other end of all of this, but am thinking that I want to try to get back to a place similar to that. NT's may call such common behaviour 'social niceties', and I'm liking the idea more and more. I would never ever return to the exhausted performer I once was (as fun as it was being an 'it girl')...it was just too far from my true self. Today my true self is quiet...a lot. My true self is also loud and boisterous sometimes. As a mid forties woman, My true self likes to wear white plain classic clothes ...sometimes. I'm now having days again where my true self wants to dress in beautiful colourful creative clothes, to reflect my bright mood. It seems to put a (real) smile on the faces of those who I encounter in my day.
I certainly won't mask anymore when I'm feeling unsafe, or triggered just to make other people feel comfortable. I will simply explain that I am upset by whatever it is. But...the ''good vibe'' that i'm giving and getting from some basic social niceties seem to be well worth the little effort. I'm enjoying your posts, thanks so much for your honesty.

Wow. Thanks for sharing all that. I really like hearing that you still dress the way you want and not just go along with fads. I'm 60 and still wear bell bottom jeans because I like them. I still dress somewhat hippyish, but that's what I like. I tried dressing my age a few times and it just didn't feel right because it wasn't me. Matter of fact when I turned 40 coincided with becoming a grandma for the first time and I thought I needed to dress and act like a grandma, then after a while I was like, naw I don't think so. lol
I've never fit in with my age group and I spent most of my teen years in my bedroom painting blacklight posters and listening to music - and that's the only times I was happy. My mom would make me go out sometimes - she even made me go to the prom, which I wanted nothing to do with. I talked my date into leaving the prom and taking me to where a good band was playing, and then when we left there and he started driving down the mountain road I told him I was secretly engaged to someone else so he'd take me home. As a teen I really wasn't interested in anything other girls my age was, including boys. Except one but I was not allowed to see him, although I did sneak off a couple times. Funny thing is, he was nicer and more respectful than anyone my parents picked.

 

[Pats]

the fact that you had to mask, shows that you needed to adapt from how you really were,
so that implies that you always knew who you were

as a child, i think we experience and live who we are,
i think it is only later in life that we become 'mature' enough to ponder the past

That makes sense, but it wasn't intentional and it wasn't something I knew I was doing. It wasn't until later in life that I realized I was doing this. I knew everything was hard for me and when I'd talk to my sister, she'd just say it's hard for everyone. I believed her and just kept doing what I had to do for the kids. The picture of me and my mom, I was 40 and that's when I started trying to figure some things out about myself. Mainly things like : at work why did I feel so fearful of being caught, even though I hadn't done anything wrong. What was I hiding from and what was I wanting so bad to run away from? I started realizing I would wear a different mask according to who I was with and where I was to try to fit in. But again, all these things my sister would say was normal. She had no idea to what degree the fear was. I just kept going because I figured everyone around me was struggling as much as I was. I would even pray things like we are all just struggling day to day thinking we were all the same. Even when I realized I was wearing the masks, my sister said we all do that. Anything quirky she just attributed to being raised the way we were (even though my siblings didn't have these weird quirks). I'm sure my sister meant well and was just always trying to make me feel normal, but it stopped me from knowing I wasn't and figuring out why.
If you're the only one living in a box that seems to restrict your movements and you're told everyone is the same way, as uncomfortable as it is, you believe everyone has their own box.
Then just one day I woke up thinking I needed to look up autism - don't know why and it was more the rainman type character I pictured in my head - which I could actually relate to (even the living in own little world) but still didn't seem to fit me. The next morning, a strong thought told me to look up female autism so I did and WOW! I could have written that entire article and I started writing in a notebook all the things that fit and wrote examples of my life that fit. I went through 2 notebooks that day - seriously. That's when I decided to find out from someone who knew because as excited as I was to know I was right all along and everyone was not like me and that's what I had been hiding from and fearing being caught. Anyhow - what it's like to live an entire life KNOWING something is wrong but being told you're the same as everyone else (so I just felt sorry for everyone else even though they seemed to handle it much better than I ever could).
What if I had know all along that I was, in fact, different. It's like being born with one arm but being told that everyone only has one arm - you can see that they have 2 arms but you feel like you have to believe they only have one.

 

[Judge]

What if I had know all along that I was, in fact, different. It's like being born with one arm but being told that everyone only has one arm - you can see that they have 2 arms but you feel like you have to believe they only have one.

So we juggle with our feet, and hope the hordes don't notice. Whatever it takes.

Where we come full circle in terms of masking our traits and behaviors.

 

[Annanda]

And I want to travel around the west so bad but now I can't afford to just go and afraid to go alone.

Go alone if possible! The fear you can partly overcome by research and preparation (there is nearly nothing you can't spot with google earth), partly by enduring it (the sleepless nights before your flight will pass) and partly by taking your time to settle in the unknown environment and to observe, what the other people are doing in the "alien" space you landed in.

 

[Mia]

'm 60 and still wear bell bottom jeans because I like them. I still dress somewhat hippyish, but that's what I like. I tried dressing my age a few times and it just didn't feel right because it wasn't me. Matter of fact when I turned 40 coincided with becoming a grandma for the first time and I thought I needed to dress and act like a grandma, then after a while I was like, naw I don't think so. lol

Interesting the way people dress. Essentially wear modern versions of the clothing I wore as a teen. Jeans, t-shirts, sweaters, boots, comfortable clothes and 'hippy-ish'. My Father once said I was a hippy, which was the best comment he could ever give me. Although for him it was derogatory. And the hippies were all older than I was.
I didn't care, I wore ponchos, howick jeans that dragged on the ground with hurache sandals and lots of beads Last Halloween I saw a group of children dressed as hippies with face paint that had flower power and peace signs all over their faces and costumes.

 

[Pats]

Go alone if possible! The fear you can partly overcome by research and preparation (there is nearly nothing you can't spot with google earth), partly by enduring it (the sleepless nights before your flight will pass) and partly by taking your time to settle in the unknown environment and to observe, what the other people are doing in the "alien" space you landed in.

I actually have repeatedly checked into methods of travel to go alone. Train - I don't have a couple thousand to spare - I don't have a couple thousand to use for what's needed for that matter. lol I hate flying and trying to get through airports and all. Bus - too many stops and you have to get off at terminals. I could drive, but I can't drive the long hours I used to. With my neck like it is, I have passed out behind the wheel for a second from the inflammation around certain nerves in my neck. I took my kids out west when they were younger and I was younger and any opportunity I will take - like this past summer, my son and his family inviting me along. So I go when I can. I once had an elderly patient tell me to do the things while I could because I wouldn't be able to when I got older. That's when I decided to take the kids and go. And she was right - you just can't do the things when you're older.

 

[Pats]

That makes sense, but it wasn't intentional and it wasn't something I knew I was doing. It wasn't until later in life that I realized I was doing this. I knew everything was hard for me and when I'd talk to my sister, she'd just say it's hard for everyone. I believed her and just kept doing what I had to do for the kids. The picture of me and my mom, I was 40 and that's when I started trying to figure some things out about myself. Mainly things like : at work why did I feel so fearful of being caught, even though I hadn't done anything wrong. What was I hiding from and what was I wanting so bad to run away from? I started realizing I would wear a different mask according to who I was with and where I was to try to fit in. But again, all these things my sister would say was normal. She had no idea to what degree the fear was. I just kept going because I figured everyone around me was struggling as much as I was. I would even pray things like we are all just struggling day to day thinking we were all the same. Even when I realized I was wearing the masks, my sister said we all do that. Anything quirky she just attributed to being raised the way we were (even though my siblings didn't have these weird quirks). I'm sure my sister meant well and was just always trying to make me feel normal, but it stopped me from knowing I wasn't and figuring out why.
If you're the only one living in a box that seems to restrict your movements and you're told everyone is the same way, as uncomfortable as it is, you believe everyone has their own box.
Then just one day I woke up thinking I needed to look up autism - don't know why and it was more the rainman type character I pictured in my head - which I could actually relate to (even the living in own little world) but still didn't seem to fit me. The next morning, a strong thought told me to look up female autism so I did and WOW! I could have written that entire article and I started writing in a notebook all the things that fit and wrote examples of my life that fit. I went through 2 notebooks that day - seriously. That's when I decided to find out from someone who knew because as excited as I was to know I was right all along and everyone was not like me and that's what I had been hiding from and fearing being caught. Anyhow - what it's like to live an entire life KNOWING something is wrong but being told you're the same as everyone else (so I just felt sorry for everyone else even though they seemed to handle it much better than I ever could).
What if I had know all along that I was, in fact, different. It's like being born with one arm but being told that everyone only has one arm - you can see that they have 2 arms but you feel like you have to believe they only have one.

You know, @OlLiE I think you helped me hit the nail on the head. It isn't the masking, it's the trying to believe everyone else had the same problems I did that made me never deal with my own. So instead of maybe getting an artificial arm or something that might have helped me fit in better, I just tried to convince myself that everyone was like me with just one arm even when I could plainly see their second arm. Maybe that's why I feel cheated at times. Because instead of possibly being able to help myself by knowing my struggles were real, I didn't because no one told me they were real, but convinced me everyone was like myself (even though it was obvious they weren't). Does that make sense?
What an epiphany!