I have memories of my childhood but I wish I knew who I was as a child. I wish I knew how others perceived me. When I learned a couple years ago that I was on the spectrum, it was a relief to know why dealing with the world had been so difficult, but I want so much to be able to see my childhood but it was so long ago. I've spent most my life masking that I feel like the opportunity to know who I was has been lost. When did I start masking? As far back as I can remember I started acting like my brother - he was funny and well liked.
Or I was told who to be:
I was the youngest and had to go along with a life that was not me:
Friends and parties that I didn't want and I didn't choose.
How much was me?
The pictures behind me were me - maybe that's why I always liked photographs - so I could keep those precious times with me and put them on my wall and always keep the west close to me. That's the only thing I know for certain is my love for the west.
But now mostly surrounded by the life I made when I wasn't me.
And many rewards with it, but was never really me and I feel a bit guilty for that sometimes. I guess if I had been me all along, none of these beautiful, happy kids would exist.
Or I was told who to be:
Friends and parties that I didn't want and I didn't choose.
How much was me?
The pictures behind me were me - maybe that's why I always liked photographs - so I could keep those precious times with me and put them on my wall and always keep the west close to me. That's the only thing I know for certain is my love for the west.
But now mostly surrounded by the life I made when I wasn't me.
And many rewards with it, but was never really me and I feel a bit guilty for that sometimes. I guess if I had been me all along, none of these beautiful, happy kids would exist.