Devastated - partner broke up with me after 20 years due to my autism

[Kaz2012]

Two days ago, my partner of 20 years broke up with me. Said it was due to my autism, specifically the way I communicate in social situations (talk over people or unable to read between the lines and understand what they are really saying or switching off when too many people are talking at once) and because I don't travel a lot or want to always do outside activities all the time. Said she was unhappy for years but this was not communicated to me in a way that I understood and she just internalised all this for years.

She said I am unable to change and that she does not want me to change and yet cannot stay with me unless I change. I am totally confused and do not understand this.

Ironically it was her who first made me aware that I may be autistic. So I thought she had come to accept my limitations. I never stopped her from travelling or going anywhere with her friends or doing anything she wanted to do.

She is also my best friend and we are working towards at least being friends in the future.

I am devastated and it was the worst day of my life. I thought this was the forever one. I am lost and having meltdowns and shutdowns and cannot sleep. I am extremely lonely. I don't know how to get through this.

Anyone had anything similar and how did you get through it?

 

[chincey_james]

That must be incredibly difficult. I see myself in your words, especially issues with talking over people, switching off, and not wanting to do social activities. Still, I can't pretend to understand what you're going through now. I can say this though: You have value as a living, breathing human being, and that value is not lessened even a bit by this.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Years ago, my wife and I were watching a stand-up comic talking about relationships. Paraphrasing here, but he said, "A woman marries a man in hopes she can change him, and he never does. A man marries a woman in hopes she never changes, and she always does." I don't know how much truth there is in that statement, but everyone in the audience applauded and laughed as if it were true.

I am so sorry for what you've been through, and her, as well, for not being able to communicate with each other in meaningful ways. My wife and I were able to make it through some 39 years together. There is direct language (me) and there is indirect language (my wife). There are also differences in our "love languages". She is more verbal and likes to talk and socialize. I tend to be silent and will tend to avoid groups of people. My autism doesn't allow me to predict or understand any sort of hints or nuances or flirting. There's no reading between the lines. I am always in the dark, absolutely clueless to her state of mind, intentions, or thoughts. I ALWAYS have to ask. Conversely, I am concise and to the point. Few words. Very direct. I am not afraid to offend if someone needs to be offended. So, this is our life. She still comes home from work from time to time, and says, "Oh, I thought you would have " to which I look at her straight faced and say, "Why would you think that?" I do know, though. Translation: SHE would have done, but I am not her and had my own agenda for the day. She knows I don't think like her nor have the same priorities. We are very much opposites. We don't try to change each other, but we do pretty good with communication most of the time.

Your story is tragic. Many NT/ND couples struggle. I think the strategy would be to celebrate each other's differences, to complement each other, and use each other's strengths for the betterment of the team. You sort of have to have this mindset that "the two of us are going to make one good person".

 

[Aspychata]

This is sad to read. Not sure what to say. So sorry.

 

[Dagan]

She is splitting because you can't communicate how she wants.........and she failed to communicate this over however many years time. She doesn't want you to change......but can't be with you unless you can/do change. She is who pointed out that you have faults, flaws, any issues, etc.......and basically is just still blaming you for being the problem overall. Yeah, I think I know exactly what you are dealing with. She may not be 100% fully narcissistic...but she sounds like she edges on it because her contradictions are of the selfish kind, and most of what she's doing is making passive-aggressive demands of you - it definitely falls under gaslighting (guilt-tripping and such). Nothing you have stated of her claims make it sound like she has, will or wants to be accountable or responsible for anything not working out. She'd rather just run away.

I'm very familiar with this. It hurts. It's insulting, even. It's just going to take time. Definitely do the self-reflecting that you will obviously do...but start making a real list of what she hasn't done to hold up her end of things, as well. You will get clarity through it all and begin to reason it and process it better.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

she does not want me to change and yet cannot stay with me unless I change. I am totally confused and do not understand this.

So sorry you are going through this. What she says is a real cry for help. A great love for you yet defeated in the end.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Many NT/ND couples struggle. I think the strategy would be to celebrate each other's differences, to complement each other, and use each other's strengths for the betterment of the team. You sort of have to have this mindset that "the two of us are going to make one good person".

Amen,Brother! We have been celebrating each other, helping each other grow. Plus, who else would do a trip like our recent NYC stay after 44 years and still touring like madmen (slowing down a little, though). I also execute ideas she has that require woodworking. And now I am in the middle of building a 12.5 foot solo canoe for her, that will run around 26 lbs. Once done we will have his and hers solo cedar strip canoes. Mine, though, is a 15.5 foot asymmetric hull kept narrow amidships with a tuck in. We love paddling with each other. As mole said to Rat: “Believe me, my young friend, there is nothing–absolutely nothing–half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.”

 

[Aspychata]

Still really confused. Could you simply ask her if she fell out of love? I mean l am exactly like the others here. My busy little rat brain wants to point the finger at her, and say snap out of it. But then the other part says did she fall out of love with me? I went out with a very handsome guy l believe to be on the spectrum, and my biggest fear is that he would lose interest in me. It's like a crippling fear for me. Anyways, take some deep breaths. She is talking to you, ask her if you can save the relationship? What would it take? Get her talking about it perhaps.

 

[VictorR]

Two days ago, my partner of 20 years broke up with me. Said it was due to my autism, specifically the way I communicate in social situations (talk over people or unable to read between the lines and understand what they are really saying or switching off when too many people are talking at once) and because I don't travel a lot or want to always do outside activities all the time. Said she was unhappy for years but this was not communicated to me in a way that I understood and she just internalised all this for years.

She said I am unable to change and that she does not want me to change and yet cannot stay with me unless I change. I am totally confused and do not understand this.

Ironically it was her who first made me aware that I may be autistic. So I thought she had come to accept my limitations. I never stopped her from travelling or going anywhere with her friends or doing anything she wanted to do.

She is also my best friend and we are working towards at least being friends in the future.

I am devastated and it was the worst day of my life. I thought this was the forever one. I am lost and having meltdowns and shutdowns and cannot sleep. I am extremely lonely. I don't know how to get through this.

Anyone had anything similar and how did you get through it?

Welcome, and sorry about the circumstances.

I see a parallel to some other situations I've seen - she's your best friend, but the question you may wish to consider is whether you were her best friend?

Relations only work when there is clear communication and both sides can work together at the same level.

Somewhere along the way, things fell apart.

I suppose my question would be what brought you two together in the first place? Is that connection still there?

 

[Rodafina]

Sorry to read about your sad circumstances. I hope we can be supportive to you as you process this. 20 years is such a long time.

All that I can offer at the moment is to take this time to care for yourself. This is a huge change to your life and it will take everything you have to manage the inevitable array of feelings that you will have. Remember to do the most basic things like eating, drinking, and slow breathing if you can. If you are able to sleep, that would be important too.

Even though this woman is your best friend, do what you can to vent and process your feelings with people other than her. Maybe even in a journal, or here. Despite the temptation to rely on the person who is trying to pull away, it’s best if you could rely on others right now instead of her. Even if you are able to be friends in the future, establishing space will have to happen first or you might always feel confused.

 

[Kaz2012]

That must be incredibly difficult. I see myself in your words, especially issues with talking over people, switching off, and not wanting to do social activities. Still, I can't pretend to understand what you're going through now. I can say this though: You have value as a living, breathing human being, and that value is not lessened even a bit by this.

Thank you so much...appreciate the support

 

[Kaz2012]

Still really confused. Could you simply ask her if she fell out of love? I mean l am exactly like the others here. My busy little rat brain wants to point the finger at her, and say snap out of it. But then the other part says did she fall out of love with me? I went out with a very handsome guy l believe to be on the spectrum, and my biggest fear is that he would lose interest in me. It's like a crippling fear for me. Anyways, take some deep breaths. She is talking to you, ask her if you can save the relationship? What would it take? Get her talking about it perhaps.

Did not fall out of love. As we are talking more has come to light. That she has issues she never dealt with like avoidance, not speaking up and depression and a lot of health stuff going on as well which is not helping. We both failed in the communications department it seems.

 

[Kaz2012]

Welcome, and sorry about the circumstances.

I see a parallel to some other situations I've seen - she's your best friend, but the question you may wish to consider is whether you were her best friend?

Relations only work when there is clear communication and both sides can work together at the same level.

Somewhere along the way, things fell apart.

I suppose my question would be what brought you two together in the first place? Is that connection still there?

Yes connection still there. Love still there on both sides. And it was she who wanted and suggested we stay friends and that she wanted me in her life. So not all dead. And she has her own issues with depression and not speaking up, as I have just found out. And yes we were each other's best friend. It's just sad it has come to this when we both should have said something and resolved it before it got this bad...

 

[Kaz2012]

Sorry to read about your sad circumstances. I hope we can be supportive to you as you process this. 20 years is such a long time.

All that I can offer at the moment is to take this time to care for yourself. This is a huge change to your life and it will take everything you have to manage the inevitable array of feelings that you will have. Remember to do the most basic things like eating, drinking, and slow breathing if you can. If you are able to sleep, that would be important too.

Even though this woman is your best friend, do what you can to vent and process your feelings with people other than her. Maybe even in a journal, or here. Despite the temptation to rely on the person who is trying to pull away, it’s best if you could rely on others right now instead of her. Even if you are able to be friends in the future, establishing space will have to happen first or you might always feel confused.

yes great advice - we are taking a break right now for a couple of months and see how it all goes . thank you...

 

[Judge]

Sorry to hear. In my case I never made it to the altar with anyone.

Though in hindsight I do feel I lost four of five relationships with NT women were due to my autistic traits and behaviors long before I ever gave any thought to being neurologically "different". Not sure if having such knowledge back then would have truly helped me, but I wish I would have had the chance.

The one I cared the most about is on husband #3 these days...so perhaps I never really had a chance at all.

 

[Kaz2012]

Sorry to hear. In my case I never made it to the altar with anyone.

Though in hindsight I do feel I lost four of five relationships with NT women were due to my autistic traits and behaviors long before I ever gave any thought to being neurologically "different". Not sure if having such knowledge back then would have truly helped me, but I wish I would have had the chance.

The one I cared the most about is on husband #3 these days...so perhaps I never really had a chance at all.

Thank you - and you are probably right about the one with the 3 husbands....

 

[Kaz2012]

Thank you everyone for such fantastic support. Truly appreciate it and hope everyone has a great weekend.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds like she should have been more honest with herself about her feelings and Autism, especially if she brought up Autism in the first place. I would certainly feel punished by someone else's dishonesty, in your position. But, maybe this can help you find more strength in yourself and build a better life focusing on your needs. She seems to need more work in caring for herself, let alone someone with a different way of being.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Kaz2012

Two suggestions:
* Find out why this happened now
* Find out if she's getting external advice, and if so where from

Note:
This isn't intended to change the immediate past. It seems very likely she's checked out.
You need to deal with your immediate future ASAP.

 

[Rodafina]

Thank you everyone for such fantastic support. Truly appreciate it and hope everyone has a great weekend.

In my experience, being part of this forum can be a great redirection of attention - learning about autism while building connections and also learning interesting things and playing games.

It’s different from a relationship, but when I joined, I was in desperate need of distraction from addiction. This forum and the people here gave me that.

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Maybe you’re interested in some games…

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A fun and friendly place to chill out. No spamming or power-posting please!

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All are welcome to post anything and everything related to this year’s All Hallows’ Eve. It can be our own little Halloween gathering.

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