Depressed, huge anxiety and fear of me, help!

[Jorg]

Hello, for the past month I've felt very anxious, depressed and just this week afraid of myself. The story behind this is a looonngg one, probably some of you have read my other posts.

There is this girl I used to know since 2008, we we're both very shy and we both had some feeling for each other, We dated like 6 times in 5 years because of how shy I was. Around mid 2014 he dated and after some beers we finally kissed, but after that everything went to crap.

As I didn't know waht to do the day after (texting her would be the correct choice) I "vanished" for like 8 months, I didn't texted her nor called her nor anything, but I was her friend on facebook.

After those 8 months I try to texted her but I didn't received any answer, for weeks I tried to communicate with her but nothing. She was such sweetheart, but I don't know if I hurted her but she changed for the worsse.

She started to post negative, desperate stuff on fb, and well, I shared those statuses with my psychiatrist, she told me this girl could also be asperger. Well, after some days trying to reach her, I send her a picture of us from the prom night. She immediately blocked me from fb, whatsapp, instagram, etc. That was on may 2016.

Well, I was depressed but the time passed and never tried to talk to her anymore. On day I made friends with her older sister (btw I'm 27, the girl 26), I talked with her sister through fb and one day I asked about "my friend", she told me she was ok, but she was kind of evil, she said mean things without noticing other people feeling, and spent the time closed in her bedroom.

After a couple month later I asked her sister if she could give her a letter, she accepted and I sent her a letter apologizing, and telling her I wanted to be her friend againg, that I have changed and knew I made mistakes.

I never received any answer from her and from months I was ok, until this september. I was surfing in the web, and for some reason I looked for her in google, the pictures I saw left me speechless, anxious, and worried.

Aparently she started modeling for a small alternative model agency (tattoed people), there aren't any nudes and looks very "classy" and as far I seen there are only 5 pictures of her.

I tried to talk with her sister, I tried to be very polite, I asked her if "my friend" was ok because in some of those pictures she looked very thin, if she has had any kind of help because of I remembered I suspected she was an aspie as well. Again I didn't got any answer.

Last week I just couldn't take it anymore and I told hher I was sorry, I was going to unfriend her from fb because I could have anything that reminded me of her. I did't, and the next day she read it, but I didn't expect she also bloked me from fb and instagram.

I've been dealing with so many thoughts this week, I still love her, but the most important I wanted to help her, I'm worried about this modeling thing, the environment, she could get hurt, or end worse because (I don't really know) she probably didn't have any help to understand her personality. In some fb posts she seemed sad, one of them particularly said she prefered to stay closed and silent when she was sad and not talk with anyone.

And finally yesterday I bottoms out (I fell under), I made a fake fb account and send "my friend" a friend request. Today I send her a message as someone else, just like "Hi, I'm *** idk if you remember me, we talked at..." I feel guilty of doing this, I feel saddness, anxiety, and fear.

But on the other side I want to help her, because whe I checked her status and posts, they're were negative, hopeless, etc. I'm not an expert but I think she started modeling to feel loved, cared, but we all know what kind of attention does, and what kind of people could attract.

I started to take prozac again, but it makes effect after 3-4 weeks, I just finished the 1st week. Writting this has helped me to relieve some anxiety, I will go to my therapist on saturday but I'm still worried about "my friend".

Give me your opinions, I just need to take this out off my heart.

 

[Ambi]

I think maybe your anxiety is driving you to worry too much and act compulsively based on that worry too much. So if that can get under control, you will feel better and less compulsion to keep trying to involve yourself in her life. My opinion is that she is an adult. You can worry all you want, but that is your problem, not hers - you have to deal with your own worries. It's not fair for her to have to be burdened with your worries - that does not "help" her, even though you want to help her. For someone to actually help her in a helpful way concerning any distressing situation, they need to be in a safe relationship with her and reach out to her from within that relationship. Otherwise you are crossing boundaries, especially with the fake Facebook account and everything. You may be worried about her, but it sounds to me like you really need to be worried about yourself - you yourself need help. Let her learn to deal with her issues (and you don't even know if she has anything serious or if anything bad is happening with modeling - and everyone needs to live their life and learn from their own experiences, plus don't forget photoshop when it comes to looking thin in photos). My honest opinion, as a woman, is that I would be completely disturbed if some guy were thinking about me that much. I think you should focus on your own mental health. If you believe in God, just put it into God's hands, pray for her. But she needs to learn to manage her own life, and she has a right to manage her own life without others interfering, especially when you have no real basis for your worry. If it weren't this, it could simply be that you notice her tail light is out, and you worry that she will get into an accident, or pulled over by the police, etc. Unless if she herself invites you into her life and invites this level of intimacy/invasiveness, then it's not okay.

 

[Jorg]

I know I need help there's no doubt about it, I feel terrible, like a freaking monster.

Is just...I hate to fight or having issues with people and it breaks my heart the way things ended with her.

 

[Ambi]

I know I need help there's no doubt about it, I feel terrible, like a freaking monster.

Is just...I hate to fight or having issues with people and it breaks my heart the way things ended with her.

You're not a monster I had very intense interest/focus on guys I was interested in, too. And just in friends I really cared about - I could be quite obsessive.

 

[SusanLR]

She is going to have to come to her own decisions for sure.
If she was hurt or angry with you due to your lack of communications then it's up to her to come to the conclusion as to whether she wants to let you back in her life.
Until that happens, there is really not much that you can do.
Her sister seemed willing to help but if there was no response from your friend there is no way she can intervene.

Same with you, you need to decide if a total break is the best option for yourself or if you have a friendly connection with her sister, perhaps she can help you feel better by just letting you know your friend is doing OK.

 

[Jorg]