Death and the autistic spectrum

[Nitro]

I got a very disturbing phonecall this morning from my Father informing me that my older sister's son had been killed in a head on automobile accident last night. Shocked and sorry that it happened,but numb from feelings,I made a call to sis and expressed my sorrow to her,but the reality has not set in yet. Loss of one's blood should have hit me harder,but I actually have no emotions at this point. I will move forward and prepare for his funeral,but think that maybe I should be more upset that it happened. My sis has been traveling a fairly rough road for several years and she is devastated by the loss of her only child. I am not sure how to handle all of it myself,but had to share my experience with this forum and get others thoughts on which way to turn.

 

[Harrison]

Sorry to hear your news Nitro.

When my parents died I experienced the same feelings you're describing, I knew I should be 'feeling' more but I couldn't find it. Because I hadn't been diagnosed at that time I couldn't fathom out why I was reacting as I did. Years later, it hit me, first the loss of my father and five years after that my mother. That was when I felt the full impact.

I can't say I know how you should deal with it, just be gentle on yourself. I know you will show the same compassion in your sisters need that you have shown to people here.

 

[gonzerd]

Sorry to hear about your loss Nitro. We all deal with death in our own way, so don't be too concerned about what emotions you should be having. Some go straight into grieving, for others it takes a while to process, others may seem emotionless throughout. Whichever way is good. Go to your sis and stand by her, she'll need it.

I don't think I ever knew what to feel myself when there were deaths in the family. I remember when my mother died I just got into making arrangements for the funeral and cleaning out the apartment. I did have a double wodka right after I heard the news though, but throughout there was some kind of emotional detachment happening. Like what sometimes happens in emergency situations, where one can become very focused on what needs to be done, as a means of survival, when there's no time for emotions. Those came later.

Take care.

 

[Jambo_nick]

I got a very disturbing phonecall this morning from my Father informing me that my older sister's son had been killed in a head on automobile accident last night. Shocked and sorry that it happened,but numb from feelings,I made a call to sis and expressed my sorrow to her,but the reality has not set in yet. Loss of one's blood should have hit me harder,but I actually have no emotions at this point. I will move forward and prepare for his funeral,but think that maybe I should be more upset that it happened. My sis has been traveling a fairly rough road for several years and she is devastated by the loss of her only child. I am not sure how to handle all of it myself,but had to share my experience with this forum and get others thoughts on which way to turn.

You're not alone with the numb feeling! A lot of people feel this with grief as well. I think it's the minds way of protecting itself. The important thing is when you feel sadness, talk to someone you trust.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Nitro, it's me Grumpy Cat Angie. You're still in shock. Try not to worry about how you're taking it right now. Just try to be supportive for your sister - that will give you something to focus on. Maybe cook her favorite dish and help her with other "necessary tasks" because she won't be able to do those (pay bills, clean house). I don't know if she's NT, but if so then she's going to show a lot of emotions that you may be uncomfortable with. If anything, just stay with her during these times for support - you don't even have to say anything. A reassuring hand on the shoulder does wonders. Know that I feel bad for you and will keep you in my prayers. You can PM me about anything or just to talk.

 

[Spiller]

Hey mate, I'm sorry!
When my dad died in June this year, he was old and infirm, my sister (also Aspie) and I talked and found we both accepted his passing as a natural part of life. We also found that neither of us grieved as much, for so long, I think because of that acceptance, as other family members.
I still miss him, I still grieve, I feel for my mum's loss, but I know it was his time to go.
I know yours is a different situation, so sudden! Just don't give yourself a hard time about how you feel.. everyone deals with grief differently, there's no right way!
Take care, my friend!

 

[epath13]

I'm very sorry about the terrible news. Just try the best you can. Try to be there for your sister. She is probably in too much pain to expect anything from anybody. And anything anyone do under the circumstances may not seem right. I know you situation is different, and I was much younger then. My best friends father died unexpectedly leaving his wife and 2 kids behind. It was hard to watch how their life was falling apart. I was completely numb, I had no idea what to do, so I just hang out with my friend as much as I could and listened to her stories about her father. That's all she needed. Just like other people say, it's hard to figure out what is the right thing to do...

 

[The Penguin]

Sorry to hear what happen.

My grand father, one of the most important family member I had and the only person I felt showed me real loved died about decade ago. I was not in any pain and never cried. But I did attended the funeral. I remember before entering in the limo to go to the funeral, I wanted to take a picture with my sister and mother. They felt my idea was a little odd but they went on with it. After taking the picture, my mother said my grandfather would been proud. My grandfather was a person always took pictures. I think you might be like me don't show emotions during an event like this but you still care a lot about your realtive like I do of my grand father.

 

[Suzanne]

I get you so much! To everyone, I appear to be devastated and that is no false assumption, but that is because I can make myself believe I am upset, but my heart is cold. The only time that I ever was myself, so to speak, was when my grandpa died and I needed medical help, but since that time, I can honestly say that I understand the concept but just can't feel it.

I find acting the part, helps me to sort of feel it. I know I sound manipulative and nasty, but believe me, I wish I could be "normal" but because I can't, I can make myself believe I do. Lol I said that I have no imagination, but perhaps I do!

 

[Progster]

I agree with the previous posters that the best thing is to just be there for your sister. She may find it hard to deal with all the day to day tasks, and you can help with those. Grief is a very personal thing and everyone experiences it differently. There's no right and wrong way to grieve, or even show emotions. Being there to support your sister is one way to show that you care and it will be appreciated.

 

[clg114]

I got a very disturbing phonecall this morning from my Father informing me that my older sister's son had been killed in a head on automobile accident last night. Shocked and sorry that it happened,but numb from feelings,I made a call to sis and expressed my sorrow to her,but the reality has not set in yet. Loss of one's blood should have hit me harder,but I actually have no emotions at this point. I will move forward and prepare for his funeral,but think that maybe I should be more upset that it happened. My sis has been traveling a fairly rough road for several years and she is devastated by the loss of her only child. I am not sure how to handle all of it myself,but had to share my experience with this forum and get others thoughts on which way to turn.

Nitro, I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I also think you should support you sister as much as possible. As for how you feel, I feel the same way. When someone dies, it seems to me that I should be more emotional about it than I am. It was even the same way when I lost my brother and my parents. I feel bad about it, but most people would be devastated. I have no idea why I'm like that. Maybe it's because of the logical way I think. Maybe it's a Aspie thing. I just don't know.

 

[pushpin]

Nitro, I am so sorry to hear about this. Though I have very little experience with death, I do believe that all people grieve differently and there really is no way that anyone "should" grieve, so I hope that you will be kind to yourself and not judge your emotional or mental state.

It's okay to not know what to feel or how to act or what to do. Please be kind to yourself.

 

[Nitro]

I want to thank everyone who is here for me.
AspiesCentral is a home to me and you are all part of my extended family here every day.
There are a lot of good people who wander these halls and I have the utmost respect for all who are a part of this community.

 

[Wooaspie]

I lost my brother and my father 3 months apart, and I can relate to the lack of emotion. Everyone was expecting and also treating me like I should have been devastated, but that's just not what I was feeling, to be honest, I dont think I felt anything. I was to busy trying to act like I was devastated in response to how I thought everyone else was expecting me too. The best suggestion I can offer is to just trust that you will deal with it in your way, and that may not be the same way the others around you will.

 

[Nadador]

I got a very disturbing phonecall this morning from my Father informing me that my older sister's son had been killed in a head on automobile accident last night. Shocked and sorry that it happened,but numb from feelings,I made a call to sis and expressed my sorrow to her,but the reality has not set in yet. Loss of one's blood should have hit me harder,but I actually have no emotions at this point. I will move forward and prepare for his funeral,but think that maybe I should be more upset that it happened. My sis has been traveling a fairly rough road for several years and she is devastated by the loss of her only child. I am not sure how to handle all of it myself,but had to share my experience with this forum and get others thoughts on which way to turn.

Truly sorry for the loss to your family, Nitro.

Even if one does tend to be emotional over the death of a loved one, a sudden, traumatic loss can bring a sense of unreality that may delay mourning. If it will come at all, it may wait until the funeral, or even longer, till something symbolic of your nephew happens along in the right moment. If mourning never comes, that's perfectly fine as long as you're not distressed by its absence.

One can grieve a loss without mourning it. People confuse and conflate the two, but they are actually separate processes.

 

[inabox]

I'm sorry to hear of your bad news Nitro.
I agree with all the other people who posted.
I think its important not to feel bad about what you do or don't feel.
When I've had to comfort people, all I know how to behave is to do practical things, which someone else said she might need help with, it will be appreciated and will show her you care, if you don't do the hugging thing.
Recently I lost my soul mate, father of my son, very suddenly. I don't know when to expect to 'realise' what's happened and so I don't think you're alone at all in not knowing how to handle it. Its a very big shock when death comes unexpectedly.
I wouldn't be worried about being more upset than you are.
I don't really have any words of wisdom to share but it might help to take each day as it comes, without pressurising yourself. You dont need to pile more things on top of yourself to deal with.
Maybe focus on helping your sister out if you get to a point where you feel overwhelmed and that might just get you to a point where you can cope with your feelings again.
I hope things work out.

 

[On the Inside]

I'm also sorry to hear of this untimely loss.

I have lost both parents (father when I was 19), a close cousin, and my two dear uncles, as well as some friends and less close family members. While I knew that I was feeling the losses, and later knew that I was definitely not numb, I did not seem to fall to pieces like some others. I had an odd sense of peace.

Somehow, I've felt that death is a logical part of life, and I've had enough understanding to know that it can come at any time, that I've felt an odd peace and comfort about it. But, once again, I fully feel the loss, I'm just more introspective about it.

I have had others who have genuinely appreciated my sense of peace at such troubling times. Be there for your family, and I think they will also feel grateful.

 

[inabox]

There's 2 ways I deal with my loss that may or may not work for you.
1. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Now, I don't have a clue what the alternative would have been to death but it must have been some real terrible life long of suffering and misery for that person for death to be better.
2. I don't deny that the person is dead. In my mind I just let a part of it think that they are still here, somewhere, somewhere they feel comfortable and at peace and where they don't have to deal with any of the bad aspects of life anymore. I then find it all easier to deal with, like they're still alive, in my head.
I do not mean that to sound crazy. I'm not crazy, it just works for me. It might work for you. Or it might not. I don't know, but I thought I'd mention it.

 

[Nitro]

Jordan was 21 and only at the beginning of his life.
In a way,it relieves me to know he will have no more struggles in our crazy ever-changing world.and the reality of it finally set in,but I have shed no tears yet. I will remember him as I last saw him with a smile on his face and keep that memory in my heart forever.

Jordos breath was cut short at his time here,and if I could,I would gladly trade places with him. I had a very wonderful life and what I considered success prior to my accident. I saw enough to keep me satisfied that my life was full,and his was really only beginning.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Nitro, I am sorry for your loss, not a bit surprised that you don't "feel" anything right now.

For some people, it's the first time that they realize what not be able to process data at speed feels like, and that itself was shocking. They needed a lot of company so that they wouldn't "sleepwalk" through activities "as usual"--especially with their money.

Keep signing in and hanging out over the next few weeks, even if you don't say much. It's the only way we can be present for you. Love and sympathy, and prayers to any deity you might care to name.