Dating: How can I get a girlfriend?

[tree]

I tend to feel anxious because I was often dealt with put downs and even getting hurt physically growing up.

Can you express in a way that makes you the actor in your life, and
not the passive receiver?

What I am asking for is a re-statement without the hedging tools that soften and
distance the experience.

The "I tend to feel" instead of "I felt".
The "was often dealt" instead of "they said...."

 

[tree]

@Hypnalis

I believe OP didn't understand what you meant by deflection.

 

[Markness]

Can you express in a way that makes you the actor in your life, and
not the passive receiver?

What I am asking for is a re-statement without the hedging tools that soften and
distance the experience.

The "I tend to feel" instead of "I felt".
The "as often dealt" instead of "they said...."

I was bullied by both family members and people outside my family growing up.

 

[Hypnalis]

I believe OP didn't understand what you meant by deflection.

Perhaps.

But it pops right up on DuckDuckGo when I look for "deflection", and all but one of the first page of responses from "conversational deflection" are "on point" for the techniques he uses.

OP "didn't understand" because he didn't want to read my post.

As with all the other times he's responded this way, he scanned for something to use for his standard techniques, ignoring everything else. Once he found something he used it.

If course that's ok - we have no responsibility to read any post, nor any responsibility to respond in a certain way, or at all.
But it's why I'm not writing posts in this thread for him, but (mostly) to amuse myself (also as a displacement activity from a boring work task /lol).

He'll never progress until he choses to "stand in front of a psychological mirror" - a much more difficult task than incremental improvement based on the (generally very good) input he gets here, but ignores.

 

[tree]

@Hypnalis

The fact that information sources exist doesn't mean a
person automatically knows anything about a term.

Saying that you're writing posts to amuse yourself hardly
gives the impression that your posts need to be taken
seriously.

Some of what you say, when it's along factual lines, is useful.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I tend to feel anxious because I was often dealt with put downs and even getting hurt physically growing up.

So, is that an excuse to stop growing? That is so in the past that you now own your anxiety. Is that your desire?

 

[Hypnalis]

The fact that information sources exist doesn't mean a
person automatically knows anything about a term.

There's a simple explanation for what he did and didn't do in the post you you quoted from.

He was looking for something from which to easily build a "deflection" response, so he had no reason to process the rest. One "hit" in my text was enough.

If he'd wanted to read and understand the post it wouldn't be difficult - he has to be "on the web" to get here, so he had ready access to a search engine.

 

[tree]

Sometimes people think they understand the meaning of what they read.
Sometimes they don't. If OP didn't know what deflection meant and supposed
it was another word for reply, there'd be no reason, in his mind, to search for any
definition, which was why I posted a link to information about the term.

 

[Markness]

Sometimes people think they understand the meaning of what they read.
Sometimes they don't. If OP didn't know what deflection meant and supposed
it was another word for reply, there'd be no reason, in his mind, to search for any
definition, which was why I posted a link to information about the term.

I just simply was baffled by being told not to bother but also that the user didn’t care at the same time.

 

[tree]

Post #492 was specific about what sort of response he didn't care to
see, and that he anticipated it would be the type response OP would
make. A deflection.

If you read the material linked in Post #495, you will have seen what
he was talking about.

 

[kenaij]

I just simply was baffled by being told not to bother but also that the user didn’t care at the same time.

The response misses the point of the posts by hypnalis in so many ways. But again. There was so much he said. And the only thing you have taken away from it is that you were being told not to bother? Sorry, but you have not been. And the poster didn`t care. Which was only caused by responses like this in the past. Hypnalis gave so much information about why you can`t seem to get help here. And why, most likely, things aren`t working outside of the forums either. But if those two points, of which one is false, and the other is not completely true are the things you take away from it. I guess Hypnalis is right.

 

[Markness]

Post #492 was specific about what sort of response he didn't care to
see, and that he anticipated it would be the type response OP would
make. A deflection.

If you read the material linked in Post #495, you will have seen what
he was talking about.

It sounds like I am supposed to inflict punishment on myself and that’s the last thing I need.

 

[Markness]

The response misses the point of the posts by hypnalis in so many ways. But again. There was so much he said. And the only thing you have taken away from it is that you were being told not to bother? Sorry, but you have not been. And the poster didn`t care. Which was only caused by responses like this in the past. Hypnalis gave so much information about why you can`t seem to get help here. And why, most likely, things aren`t working outside of the forums either. But if those two points, of which one is false, and the other is not completely true are the things you take away from it. I guess Hypnalis is right.

It sounds like you are saying I should hang my head in shame. That isn’t going to help me at all.

 

[kenaij]

It sounds like you are saying I should hang my head in shame. That isn’t going to help me at all.

Actually it sounds like you should re-read the previous posts and see if you can get the actual point. I`m sorry Markness, if reading all the information that was given does not make sense to you I`d suggest writing down the term (Deflection, or, Deflective response) and present that term to your therapist. Which I assume you see. He or she can try to explain the term in a way you might understand. Since we don`t know you. It is very hard for us to come up with ways to explain what you do and how you can work towards going about it in other ways. That is you first step in growth. If you don`t start with that. Other help is going to be very hard.

 

[kenaij]

But I guess I`ll give it a go anyways. You seek help. And you ask us for help. You expect our help. Most of us give advice and see things in you that does not help you get where you want to be. When you are presented with that advice you either ignore it. Or you give the blame to someone else so you feel better about yourself. I`m going to try to give you a simple example.

In this example you would ask us how to get better sleep. Because you are tired all the time. You tell us you watch youtube videos by person A at night and go to sleep at 1am. You wake up at 7am for work.
We will suggest you are tired because you watch youtube videos until late and that only gives you 6 hours of sleep. We suggest you do not watch the videos and turn of your phone at 10pm and go to sleep.
From that response you would not take away that YOU should turn of the phone and not start watching the videos. Instead you would say something along the lines of. "But person A always puts up videos I need to see everyday, and during work I am not allowed to watch those videos." By that answer you push the blame away from yourself. Which is watching the videos when you shouldn`t at night. Because that is causing you to have too little sleep. Instead you blame someone to put up the videos you want to watch. It is their fault there are videos you want to watch.

OR

You want to meet a partner. But you never leave the house. We suggest you go out to a bar and meet someone (not actually a great suggestion but for this example it is good enough). Instead of seeing that the problem is that you don`t go out of the house while you are free to do so. You respond by telling us you were always told to stay at home and you will never meet someone by your parents. Again. Shifting the blame from you never leaving the house towards your parents for always keeping you at home in the past. That is not the current problem. Your parents have no say in this since you are an adult. You shift the blame from your choice towards someone that has done something in the past but can no longer do.

I could try to give multiple examples after this but I hope you understand the meaning of DEFLECTION.

The actual definition: Deflecting typically appears in conflictual situations, when a person is confronted with their mistakes. Instead of accepting responsibility and facing the uncomfortable situation head-on, the deflector will try to move the focus from themselves, usually by passing the blame onto someone or something else.

Hope this helps you understand.

 

[kenaij]

I`ll do one more.

It sounds like you are saying I should hang my head in shame. That isn’t going to help me at all.
Was your response to my post.
Instead of understanding you made a mistake in your understanding of someone's post. You make me a bad guy for calling out the mistake. Shifting away from your 'mistake' to making me sound like a bad person. So it is my fault you are not getting the help you seek.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

you

It sounds like I am supposed to inflict punishment on myself and that’s the last thing I need.

You already do that by internalizing negative messages that people tell you, even those online that you have no relationship with, instead of self-validating yourself as a complete and worthwhile person. Then you wallow in the self pity. Do you think that your incessant negativity makes you boyfriend material? Your therapist needs to train you to be internally driven. That is BASIC Psych 101.

 

[Misty Avich]

Markness is my friend.

 

[Markness]

Markness is my friend.

Yes, you accept me as I am and don’t let the mob mentality persuade you.

 

[kenaij]

Yes, you accept me as I am and don’t let the mob mentality persuade you.

Accepting people for who they are is one thing. Making them stand still and not grow is another. But you have made it clear you do not want my help. I have offered you ways to grow. I don't know why you don't want to grow since this state of you does not seem to make you happy. But I wish you the best of luck and I hope you become happy regardless.