Crossroad in a long distance relationship

[Gabi]

I have been dating an aspie guy on/off for about 4 years now. We met via MSN, he is my best friend's cousin(whom I do no in real life). Years ago, he tried to meet me a couple of times but I was young, stupid and insecure so I didn't agree to meet him or put up a lot of excuses not to meet with him and then decided I did wanted to meet with him, but he had already made other plans. So we have never seen each other....

For about a year now it has botheres me SO MUCH the fact that I haven't met him. I hate the fact I have never been able to kiss or hug the love of my life. The thing is, he can't come to visit me for some issues I really don't understand, but I am certain that he can't. However, I resent him for not wanting to see me as much as I do, cause if he wanted, we could have met in another country. I could have gone to visit, etc. There are so many options for us to meet. I don't really kniw if he is afraid of meeting me or what is the issue, because is hard to talk with him about this stuff because I need to talk about my feeling and he just can't deal with people talkingr about their feelings. I tried to address the issues last year on December. I tris to talk without expressing a lot of my feelings, just logical arguments addressing the fact that I deserved to have somewhat a normal relationship with him because he is much older and he already had that chance, I didn't. He said that I was right and that I should move with him and talked to me about the college I should go to in his country, etc. The thing is, I really don't want to marry him right now or move in together, I just want to have normal dates once in a while. I really don't understand his point of view where he relates meeting with getting married. Once he told me that when we met, he was sure he was going to say "sweetheart, pack your things. You are coming back home with me". So maybe is that he is too afraid of that moment when we have to say goodbye? I know it would be hard, but I mean, I hate that nowadays Everything in our relationship is about him feeling good and he doesn't really make an effort for me to feel happy.

For the past 5 month we have been talking very little, we used to chat every day but know he gave the cellphone he used for chatting with me to another friend of ours and we just communicate via email. I dont even write him every day because he says it is stressing for him when I write him every day. And of course, I almost always have to write to him, because if it were for him, we would spent months without talking. He has been very very busy with work and I get it, but I feel single, I miss my boyfriend. And he doesn't understand that because he says I am always with him in his heart and that he thinks about me all day, and I really believe him, I know it is true. I also think about him all day and have him in my heart but I need the actual talking, the closeness, the intimacy that comes along with all our conversations. He told me months ago that he doesn't like talking to me that much because we get into fights. But I thing to myself: we want a future together, how does he expect a future together without talking so we avoid the fighting. The no talking thing is a rather temporal solution...

These kind of thoughts have been going on and on in my head for weeks. I am thinking of breaking up with him. But really I am doing it in hopes that he would react. The last time we broke up, we spent 8 months without talking to each other, we both had other realtionships but when we got back together, he treated me completely different. He was more tender and understanding, he allowed me to express my love to him(he hated it before). I think it was the fact that he missed me so much that made him change. I wonder if it will work this time or should I just leave my aspie being happy and comfortable with the way our relationship is right now and keep waiting until he decides to meet in some years and move in together. Or I don't know if it is better to just be honest with him about everything I think and feel, the thing is I don't know if he is going to get all confused and maybe have a meltdown and agree to everything I want just to make me shut up(he has done it in the past). I really want to find a solution that makes both of us happy, which seems rather impossible.

Aspies, what do you think? Any advises?

Any similar experiences by NT partners?

Any help will be really appreciated, I am pretty desperate.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

Hi Gabi!
This sounds kind of like a confusing situation for you.

I have questions:
Is your best friend completely aware of what is going on between you two?
Are any of your other friends or family aware of the situation? If so, what is their opinion of the situation?

Did his behavior change around the time you expressed that you don't want to just meet and move in with him and get married suddenly?
When you say you used to chat- do/did you skype or call each other or just text/[online]chat/email?
You mention other relationships- have they been more traditional? [meeting in person, dating/seeing each other fairly regularly]
How much older is he?

I want to respond but I feel like I'm missing some information.
I get that's a lot of questions to throw at you but I think they are pretty relevant.
I agree your situation seems difficult. I bet some people here will have some helpful input.

 

[Gabi]

Hi!!! Thanks for responding so quickly!!!

Let's see....
My best friend isn't totally aware of the situation. She knows the way he is, she knows the way I am and we talk about him but just about his quirks and stuff, never about hiw he makes me feel. I dont really tell any of my friends everything about how I feel because I really prefer to be there for them, because right know every of my friends seems to be having such a hard time in their lives and I dont want to waste time or bore them with my own issues. Sooo, no one really has an opinion on the situation. And my family doesn't know about him because even though we leave in a modern world, it is hard for some people to understand long distance relationships and I dont want them to criticize my relationship and be all negative about it.

Actually his behavior had changed before that, he was in the hospital for a while, it was a really difficult time and he was in coma for weeks. He hasn't been the same ever since. But after that we still talked every day and then he gave his phone to another friend and ee used the phone to talk because we have some drama of another friend to reaolve together and then the phone went to anooother friend and that friend lives in another city, so my boyfriend went back home and since then we haven't been talking like before.

We only chat, email and a few times we have kind of skyped but only him seeing and hearing me and he just chatting.

We both have had the dating type of relationships, the thing is mine havent(bad guys, cheaters, liers always) been that normal and his have, he even lived with one of his ex.

He is 10 years older than me.

Hi Gabi!
This sounds kind of like a confusing situation for you.

I have questions:
Is your best friend completely aware of what is going on between you two?
Are any of your other friends or family aware of the situation? If so, what is their opinion of the situation?

Did his behavior change around the time you expressed that you don't want to just meet and move in with him and get married suddenly?
When you say you used to chat- do/did you skype or call each other or just text/[online]chat/email?
You mention other relationships- have they been more traditional? [meeting in person, dating/seeing each other fairly regularly]
How much older is he?

I want to respond but I feel like I'm missing some information.
I get that's a lot of questions to throw at you but I think they are pretty relevant.
I agree your situation seems difficult. I bet some people here will have some helpful input.[/QUOTE

Hi Gabi!
This sounds kind of like a confusing situation for you.

I have questions:
Is your best friend completely aware of what is going on between you two?
Are any of your other friends or family aware of the situation? If so, what is their opinion of the situation?

Did his behavior change around the time you expressed that you don't want to just meet and move in with him and get married suddenly?
When you say you used to chat- do/did you skype or call each other or just text/[online]chat/email?
You mention other relationships- have they been more traditional? [meeting in person, dating/seeing each other fairly regularly]
How much older is he?

I want to respond but I feel like I'm missing some information.
I get that's a lot of questions to throw at you but I think they are pretty relevant.
I agree your situation seems difficult. I bet some people here will have some helpful input.

 

[Judge]

I have been dating an aspie guy on/off for about 4 years now.

So we have never seen each other....

For the past 5 month we have been talking very little, we used to chat every day but know he gave the cellphone he used for chatting with me to another friend of ours and we just communicate via email. I dont even write him every day because he says it is stressing for him when I write him every day.

He told me months ago that he doesn't like talking to me that much because we get into fights.

I am thinking of breaking up with him. But really I am doing it in hopes that he would react. The last time we broke up, we spent 8 months without talking to each other, we both had other relationships but when we got back together, he treated me completely different.

Unfortunately the inherent precariousness of online dating makes it difficult for me to ascertain what's really going on here. Your neurological differences may or may not have anything to do with the fragility of your relationship.

I was once in a long-term online relationship. It began to fade away, and there was nothing I seemed to be able to do to stop the momentum. Eventually I just gave up and told her good-bye. She was NT, and I am Aspie. Many years later I happened to discover she had gotten married two years before I stopped talking to her.

Sadly, just understand that such relationships may not be as "transparent" as you may think.

 

[Gabi]

Oh god!!! That's bad! It must have been shocking and heart-breaking, right? The lies always hurt, even if you find out later.

And yes, long-distance relationships are not always transparent and they are not always the best. I HATE long-distance relationships now, but whim or not, I love the guy and I really can't see myself loving anyone else the way I love him.

Unfortunately the inherent precariousness of online dating makes it difficult for me to ascertain what's really going on here. Your neurological differences may or may not have anything to do with the fragility of your relationship.

I was once in a long-term online relationship. It began to fade away, and there was nothing I seemed to be able to do to stop the momentum. Eventually I just gave up and told her good-bye. She was NT, and I am Aspie. Many years later I happened to discover she had gotten married two years before I stopped talking to her.

Sadly, just understand that such relationships may not be as "transparent" as you may think.

 

[Judge]

Oh god!!! That's bad! It must have been shocking and heart-breaking, right? The lies always hurt, even if you find out later.

And yes, long-distance relationships are not always transparent and they are not always the best. I HATE long-distance relationships now, but whim or not, I love the guy and I really can't see myself loving anyone else the way I love him.

Yes, it was heartbreaking- even long after the fact. I was "catfished". Hopefully that isn't the case here, but you never know.

Catfish: The TV Show (Series) | Season 3, Season 2 Episodes | MTV

 

[Tia Maria]

Hi Gabi, I am an NT adult, happily married to a very good guy & great husband (also NT), together as a couple for 28 years. We lived hours apart so were long distance when we first met, but both got new jobs & relocated to be together after about 4 years. We also went to a lot of trouble to get together during the long distance period of our relationship. We took turns traveling to usually spend at least every other weekend together.

You will receive much insightful input into NT/Aspie relationships from other AC members. There are also several previous discussions on the subject which you might want to read through as well.

I do have some serious concerns about your relationship though that don't center on his Aspergers. I am also not questioning the intensity or validity of your feelings despite the fact that your relationship is entirely long distance & that you have never spent time together in person. I totally believe & understand how you could develop a strong attraction & also attachment to this person.

My concern is that your past relationships have not been good ones, i.e.; healthy or positive. If your prior boyfriends or dating experiences have been with "bad guys, cheaters & liars", you really don't have a healthy, sound relationship to compare this one to. You are also only 20 years old which is very young. Meanwhile your guy is 30, and a LOT of mental & emotional maturing normally takes place during the ten years between ages 20 & 30.

By the way, when you first started communicating you would have been 16 years old. You describe yourself at that time as "young, stupid and insecure". Duh, so what?! You were just a teenager! And he would have been 26 years old at that time. Actually, I have to question what kind of 26 year old young man pursues a 16 year old teenage girl? If you had met in person & felt something special, he should have still waited until you were older to ask you out. I have nieces ages 5-25, if a 26 year old man was pursuing any one of them younger than 19 or 20, I can tell you that their parents would intervene & put an immediate halt to it. (PS - in the US, a 26 year old having intimate relations or even just dating someone younger than 18 can be arrested.)

Well, now you are 20, & I do not doubt the depth or intensity of your feelings for this guy, & four (4) years is a long time to keep in touch with someone. You obviously feel very invested in this relationship. I am not judging or criticizing you for any of that. But I must tell you very honestly that what you have with this fellow is not a true relationship. Having never met in person, never spent any time together, in four years, is not a real relationship, as much as it might feel like one right now. This guy also reportedly lived with one ex-girlfriend yet has never even met you in person.

You don't specify where you each live & there may be significant hurdles to getting together, but they simply must be crossed if you wish for the relationship to move forward into something that is actually real. His occasional remarks about getting married on your first meet up - which meanwhile he makes no tangible effort or movement towards doing anyway - are frankly alarming as that would be a HORRIBLE idea. I wonder if that is partially about control or a cultural thing because no one should go from a long distance relationship, with never having met in person, one way only Skyping, & inconsistent communication straight into marriage. That either demonstrates very poor judgment or a cultural mode of thinking that is not in sync with western sensibilities.

In any healthy relationship, actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to what he does or does not do. It is very easy to occasionally write or say some caring words to appease someone. What matters more is his actions.

Explaining some of his behavior &/or differences to autism may be legitimate (or not), BUT many Aspie men here will tell you that even an Aspie man must also make some compromises if he wishes to retain his relationship with a woman, never mind an NT woman. And importantly, there must be a mutual interest or commitment in doing so.

When two people love & are committed to each other, one may indeed make more sacrifices or compromises if needed for the sake of the relationship. But both people should feel loved, respected, happy or content, & have their needs met. This relationship is probably causing you more heartache than happiness at this point, & you are right to question whether it is worthwhile to continue. On the other hand you are very attached & don't really wish to leave or lose the relationship, you really just want it to improve & be more "normal" & healthy. For that reason I would not take an action (like breaking up) in hopes of provoking a positive reaction or turnabout. That is 'game playing' behavior anyway & you should always seek to be open, honest, direct & mature in all your dealings & interactions with other people.

My personal heartfelt recommendation to you is for you to read up about relationships, 'women who love too much', 'men who can't commit' & so on. Try to discover why you have ended up dating bad guys who turned out to be liars & cheats on more than one occasion. You are only 20, God forbid you someday end up marrying such a person. YOU are NOT to blame for someone else's bad behavior or even for them being a bad person.

But you want to learn how & why you may possibly be attracted to such people or why they target you, why you might not recognize sooner or more confidently when someone else is behaving in an unhealthy or dysfunctional way, & why you would ever allow yourself to put up with less than you want, need & deserve. This is NOT pointing a finger at you, just reminding you to focus on YOU. If you are a kind & decent person (which I suspect you are), when your inner voice or gut instinct tells you that something is wrong or you deserve better, trust & listen to it.

A good person should never change from being that kind of person, but they do need to develop the insight & internal fortitude to protect themselves from letting other people take advantage of them, or lowering their standards to accept less than they deserve.

Take heed of Judge's story above. Not that your bf is lying or deceiving you, but it is always difficult for honest, nice people to comprehend how someone else could ever be so dishonest & ultimately cruel.

Another NT AC member (Grumpy Cat) watches the TV show "Catfish" which chronicles the lengths to which some people lie & deceive in their virtual relationships. It is shocking & sad. Again, not that your bf is comparable or doing anything of the sort, BUT instead of breaking up with him in hopes he will change, you should require a meeting & time spent together (but no impulsive spontaneous marriage!) sooner than later.

I truly hope you will pursue some self-discovery. You deserve nothing less than eventually finding a partner who is loving, honest & committed whether Aspie or not.

 

[Tia Maria]

I love the guy and I really can't see myself loving anyone else the way I love him.

You think that now, NOW being the instrumental word.

 

[Tia Maria]

Yes, it was heartbreaking- even long after the fact. I was "catfished". Hopefully that isn't the case here, but you never know.

Catfish: The TV Show (Series) | Season 3, Season 2 Episodes | MTV

Judge, I am so sorry someone did such a TERRIBLE thing to you. The discovery would have been very painful & heartbreaking regardless of when it was made. What an awful person, really. IMO people who do things like that to others are either bad/evil or 'screwed up' beyond repair or forgiveness. Well, forgiveness is healing, but I mean no 2nd chances ever to such people. I hope you have long since healed from that extremely hurtful experience.

 

[Judge]

I hope you have long since healed from that extremely hurtful experience.

Actually MTV's "Catfish" brought it all back in a big way for me. But I'm glad someone like MTV's Nev Shulman had such an experience and the foresight to publicize it, and why you need to be vigilant if you pursue any kind of an online relationship.

Unless you really meet someone in person, you never really know how much of a truth you may- or may not be getting.

 

[Gabi]

Thank you so much for your your time and advice! I will definitely take into account when I am decidinng what to do about our relationship. You are right, I really don't think it is a good idea to break up with him liked I had planned to, I think I am juat going to be direct and honest and try to see if we can get to an agreement...

Yes, it was heartbreaking- even long after the fact. I was "catfished". Hopefully that isn't the case here, but you never know.

Catfish: The TV Show (Series) | Season 3, Season 2 Episodes | MTV

Hi Gabi, I am an NT adult, happily married to a very good guy & great husband (also NT), together as a couple for 28 years. We lived hours apart so were long distance when we first met, but both got new jobs & relocated to be together after about 4 years. We also went to a lot of trouble to get together during the long distance period of our relationship. We took turns traveling to usually spend at least every other weekend together.

You will receive much insightful input into NT/Aspie relationships from other AC members. There are also several previous discussions on the subject which you might want to read through as well.

I do have some serious concerns about your relationship though that don't center on his Aspergers. I am also not questioning the intensity or validity of your feelings despite the fact that your relationship is entirely long distance & that you have never spent time together in person. I totally believe & understand how you could develop a strong attraction & also attachment to this person.

My concern is that your past relationships have not been good ones, i.e.; healthy or positive. If your prior boyfriends or dating experiences have been with "bad guys, cheaters & liars", you really don't have a healthy, sound relationship to compare this one to. You are also only 20 years old which is very young. Meanwhile your guy is 30, and a LOT of mental & emotional maturing normally takes place during the ten years between ages 20 & 30.

By the way, when you first starting communication you would have been 16 years old. You describe yourself at that time as "young, stupid and insecure". Duh, so what?! You were just a teenager! And he would have been 26 years old at that time. Actually, I have to question what kind of 26 year old young man pursues a 16 year old teenage girl? If you had met in person & felt something special, he should have still waited until you were older to ask you out. I have nieces ages 5-25, if a 26 year old man was pursuing any one of them younger than 19 or 20, I can tell you that their parents would intervene & put an immediate halt to it. (PS - in the US, a 26 year old having intimate relations or even just dating someone younger than 18 can be arrested.)

Well, now you are 20, & I do not doubt the depth or intensity of your feelings for this guy, & four (4) years is a long time to keep in touch with someone. You obviously feel very invested in this relationship. I am not judging or criticizing you for any of that. But I must tell you very honestly that what you have with this fellow is not a true relationship. Having never met in person, never spent any time together, in four years, is not a real relationship, as much as it might feel like one right now. This guy also reportedly lived with one ex-girlfriend yet has never even met you in person.

You don't specify where you each live & there may be significant hurdles to getting together, but they simply must be crossed if you wish for the relationship to move forward into something that is actually real. His occasional remarks about getting married on your first meet up - which meanwhile he makes no tangible effort or movement towards doing anyway - are frankly alarming as that would be a HORRIBLE idea. I wonder if that is partially about control or a cultural thing because no one should go from a long distance relationship, with never having met in person, one way only Skyping, & inconsistent communication straight into marriage. That either demonstrates very poor judgment or a cultural mode of thinking that is not in sync with western sensibilities.

In any healthy relationship, actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to what he does or does not do. It is very easy to occasionally write or say some caring words to appease someone. What matters more is his actions.

Explaining some of his behavior &/or differences to autism may be legitimate (or not), BUT many Aspie men here will tell you that even an Aspie man must also make some compromises if he wishes to retain his relationship with a woman, never mind an NT woman. And importantly, there must be a mutual interest or commitment in doing so.

When two people love & are committed to each other, one may indeed make more sacrifices or compromises if needed for the sake of the relationship. But both people should feel loved, respected, happy or content, & have their needs met. This relationship is probably causing you more heartache than happiness at this point, & you are right to question whether it is worthwhile to continue. On the other hand you are very attached & don't really wish to leave or lose the relationship, you really just want it to improve & be more "normal" & healthy. For that reason I would not take an action (like breaking up) in hopes of provoking a positive reaction or turnabout. That is 'game playing' behavior anyway & you should always seek to be open, honest, direct & mature in all your dealings & interactions with other people.

My personal heartfelt recommendation to you is for you to read up about relationships, 'women who love too much', 'men who can't commit' & so on. Try to discover why you have ended up dating bad guys who turned out to be liars & cheats on more than one occasion. You are only 20, God forbid you someday end up marrying such a person. YOU are NOT to blame for someone else's bad behavior or even for them being a bad person.

But you want to learn how & why you may possibly be attracted to such people or why they target you, why you might not recognize sooner or more confidently when someone else is behaving in an unhealthy or dysfunctional way, & why you would ever allow yourself to put up with less than you want, need & deserve. This is NOT pointing a finger at you, just reminding you to focus on YOU. If you are a kind & decent person (which I suspect you are), when your inner voice or gut instinct tells you that something is wrong or you deserve better, trust & listen to it.

A good person should never change from being that kind of person, but they do need to develop the insight & internal fortitude to protect themselves from letting other people take advantage of them, or lowering their standards to accept less than they deserve.

Take heed of Judge's story above. Not that your bf is lying or deceiving you, but it is always difficult for honest, nice people to comprehend how someone else could ever be so dishonest & ultimately cruel.

Another NT AC member (Grumpy Cat) watches the TV show "Catfish" which chronicles the lengths to which some people lie & deceive in their virtual relationships. It is shocking & sad. Again, not that your bf is comparable or doing anything of the sort, BUT instead of breaking up with him in hopes he will change, you should require a meeting & time spent together (but no impulsive spontaneous marriage!) sooner than later.

I truly hope you will pursue some self-discovery. You deserve nothing less than eventually finding a partner who is loving, honest & committed whether Aspie or not.

 

[Gabi]

Love the show! Have you watched the documentary? It's great!

Actually MTV's "Catfish" brought it all back in a big way for me. But I'm glad someone like MTV's Nev Shulman had such an experience and the foresight to publicize it, and why you need to be vigilant if you pursue any kind of an online relationship.

Unless you really meet someone in person, you never really know how much of a truth you may- or may not be getting.

 

[Tia Maria]

Actually MTV's "Catfish" brought it all back in a big way for me. But I'm glad someone like MTV's Nev Shulman had such an experience and the foresight to publicize it, and why you need to be vigilant if you pursue any kind of an online relationship.

Unless you really meet someone in person, you never really know how much of a truth you may- or may not be getting.

I agree. I think people can establish supportive friendships like those here on AC .... especially too because the propensity of most on the spectrum is to be honest although reserved.

But an intimate or romantic relationship MUST be established in person, in real time, because it requires being involved in & part of each other's life ... each other's real, tangible, every day life. The nature of such a relationship is very different from being a platonic friend & comes with much higher expectations & obligations, & rightly so.

You deserved better Judge, but at least it won't happen again.

 

[The Penguin]

That would be very hard for me dating someone that long and never meet them. I dated someone in Sweden for 8 years as we meet after 8 months. We only seen each other 5 times. I can't share any good advice as I don't want to advise the wrong thing. What I would say though being in a long distance relationship, there should be a meeting within one year.

 

[Gabi]

I also think that we should have sern each other already, but it is difficult for him to understand it. I guess he doesn't see is as such an important step as I see it. I am going to try to have "the talk" and see how everything goes this time.

That would be very hard for me dating someone that long and never meet them. I dated someone in Sweden for 8 years as we meet after 8 months. We only seen each other 5 times. I can't share any good advice as I don't want to advise the wrong thing. What I would say though being in a long distance relationship, there should be a meeting within one year.

 

[The Penguin]

I also think that we should have sern each other already, but it is difficult for him to understand it. I guess he doesn't see is as such an important step as I see it. I am going to try to have "the talk" and see how everything goes this time.

I give you credit managing this long. He must have mean that much to you.

 

[Gabi]

I give you credit managing this long. He must have mean that much to you.

I swear he is the love of my life... You know, there is SO many reasons to put an end to the realationship but I cant help but feeling this is a once in a lifetime love and I just cant let him go.

 

[The Penguin]

If you have know him since your 16 and 20 now, then you didn't get a chance much to explore life. I admit to you that most of my relationships been online. The person in Sweden was the only person I got a chance to meet from a online relationship. Everyone else I meet online the relationship ended within a year, an average relationship lasting 3 months. I have also dated one local person for 5 months.

I have been single for a few years now. I use to be a person rush to be into a relationship after a break up. Doing this is normally a bad idea. It takes time to find the right person. I decided I'm not rushing anymore and start to have higher standards who I want in my life. It not wroth risking the odds of pain of rushing into things.

 

[Gabi]

I always rush into relationships too. But you are right, it is better to take your time. If we happen to end this relationship, I think I want to be single for a while. Have time for myself, etc.

If you have know him since your 16 and 20 now, then you didn't get a chance much to explore life. I admit to you that most of my relationships been online. The person in Sweden was the only person I got a chance to meet from a online relationship. Everyone else I meet online the relationship ended within a year, an average relationship lasting 3 months. I have also dated one local person for 5 months.

I have been single for a few years now. I use to be a person rush to be into a relationship after a break up. Doing this is normally a bad idea. It takes time to find the right person. I decided I'm not rushing anymore and start to have higher standards who I want in my life. It not wroth risking the odds of pain of rushing into things.

 

[Tia Maria]

I swear he is the love of my life... You know, there is SO many reasons to put an end to the realationship but I cant help but feeling this is a once in a lifetime love and I just cant let him go.

That kind of 'love' is an addiction, not a true mutually loving & supportive relationship. That does not diminish how strong your feelings are or how painful losing him would feel.

But you need to establish the requirements for maintaining this 'relationship' to include spending time together very soon. Not getting married, but a block of time to meet & spend together, & explore whether you both want to move forward with a more real versus fantasy relationship. The things you desire are not too demanding or unrealistic.

You fear your family would not understand your long distance relationship & possibly criticize or ridicule you. It is very unfortunate that they might not be able to be there for you, to empathize with your feelings & support you - not support the relationship with this guy per se, but be supportive of your emotional needs. But you know they would probably not endorse this relationship because they hopefully want the best for you, & no one who cares about your well being would be able to consider this a healthy or positive relationship that is good for you & your future. At least not as things stand now. So instead you are isolated with no one to talk over your feelings with or seek constructive non-judgmental advice. IMO that isolation only adds to the addictive quality of this relationship.