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Constantly being put down

Owliet

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
It’s only been a few days with being off for the holidays but so far, it seems like my sister feels like it’s acceptable to talk to me like I’m a little kid. This constant condescending attitude is starting to really get to me but then I get gaslighted with the “I’m only talking to you like this because you’re doing this...”, “I’ll stop talking to you like a child if you act like one” and “it’s all in my head” when I have tried to challenge her about it. Funny that it seems like as soon as she’s got a boyfriend that she suddenly becomes all all worldly, and let’s ignore all what she’s put us through before her dating this guy.

Today, I was talking and both mom and her ignored me, then because I made the comment that I feel like I’m being ignored and that my words don’t matter, I got the “it’s all in my head.” But there was no recognition that either of them were listening to me. She completely blanked me off. since coming back home, she’s also said to me that I am difficult to live with and it was nicer when it was just her and dad because I bring too much stress. She’s also going to an event without me, but didn’t tell me this until these last few days. She only wants to hang out with me when she has no one, and I’m tired of it but it is also a difficult realization that I have no one. I feel like she’s using my ASD to play against me. She’s just horrible.

So, maybe people are right. I’m better off being on my own if I’m difficult to live with. I’m also perceived as a grossly immature loser. After all, family know you best, right?
 

Forest Cat

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I don't think an immature loser can be a teacher, like you are. I have a sister too and we have had some nasty arguments and things happening over the years, I don't think you should listen too much to your sister if she just says bad things. Siblings can be the worst. I don't think those people are right.
 
Last edited:

Gift2humanity

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
It’s only been a few days with being off for the holidays but so far, it seems like my sister feels like it’s acceptable to talk to me like I’m a little kid. This constant condescending attitude is starting to really get to me but then I get gaslighted with the “I’m only talking to you like this because you’re doing this...”, “I’ll stop talking to you like a child if you act like one” and “it’s all in my head” when I have tried to challenge her about it. Funny that it seems like as soon as she’s got a boyfriend that she suddenly becomes all all worldly, and let’s ignore all what she’s put us through before her dating this guy.

Today, I was talking and both mom and her ignored me, then because I made the comment that I feel like I’m being ignored and that my words don’t matter, I got the “it’s all in my head.” But there was no recognition that either of them were listening to me. She completely blanked me off. since coming back home, she’s also said to me that I am difficult to live with and it was nicer when it was just her and dad because I bring too much stress. She’s also going to an event without me, but didn’t tell me this until these last few days. She only wants to hang out with me when she has no one, and I’m tired of it but it is also a difficult realization that I have no one. I feel like she’s using my ASD to play against me. She’s just horrible.

So, maybe people are right. I’m better off being on my own if I’m difficult to live with. I’m also perceived as a grossly immature loser. After all, family know you best, right?
It's degrading being talked to like a little kid.
It's good you are aware of the gaslighting.

Can you move away from her negative influence as soon as possible, if not, can you escape mentally by reading fiction, you will find plenty of dysfunctional characters victimising people there, and wont feel so alone.

Your mother and sister won't change.

Can you not go back home, home sounds like an unpleasant place.

It's not you it's them, reading fiction will help you realise this.

Don't believe their insults that you are difficult to live with. You're not a grossly immature loser.
No, family don't know best.
 

Neonatal RRT

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Family social dynamics are an interesting topic here on the forums,...you read enough of these threads and you realize hardly anyone here grew up in what would be considered a "healthy" environment. So much dysfunction. You know, you grow up thinking "blood is thicker than water" and that we should all be these loving, loyal-to-the-end, family groups,...it's in the books we read and the movies we see on the big screen,...but in reality, it can be simply painful. You can't live with them,...or without them, in some cases. I don't give advice in these cases,...every situation is complicated and different,...but at some point,...yes,...you have to decide if it is just better to be without them. If you are still living with them, then it's a matter of doing your research and actually having a real plan for the next phase of your life,...before you actually say or do anything. Basically, "have all your ducks in a row" before making these decisions. It is not without some degree of guilt and pain,...but personally, it is better without my family.
 

Matthias

Well-Known Member
So, maybe people are right. I’m better off being on my own if I’m difficult to live with. I’m also perceived as a grossly immature loser. After all, family know you best, right?

If many people tell you the same thing, they're probably right. I doubt anyone is gaslighting you or thinks you're a loser. They probably ignore you, don't explain things, and treat you like a child because they think you have the emotional maturity of a child and believe you're unwilling or incapable of changing since you've been the same way for awhile. Your statement "I’m better off being on my own if I’m difficult to live with" is an example of emotional immaturity (it's how children react). An emotionally mature adult would focus on figuring out why they're difficulty to live with and work to overcome it until they're no longer difficult to live with. The first step to becoming emotionally mature is self-awareness. There are plenty of books and online resources to help you understand and work on your emotions that can teach you how to think correctly and behave appropriately.
 

Fino

Alex
V.I.P Member
What are you doing that leads to these comments? I find it hard to believe that you're doing absolutely nothing and yet are randomly talked to this way.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Truth be told, family will gang up and gaslight one family member. I will not jump on the bus and say yes, it's all you. Family dynamics can eat their own kid. What can go great can also go bad.
 

Callistemon

Part-Time Space Alien
V.I.P Member
If many people tell you the same thing, they're probably right...

Just re your comment, I don't find that very helpful for @Owliet's situation, nor do I think you know enough about it to make the proclamations you make in your post, which take on a blaming tone to my ears, and you'd want to tread very carefully before you do that. Accusing her of emotional immaturity because she thinks she might be better off living on her own is also out of line IMO.

The first step to becoming emotionally mature is self-awareness. There are plenty of books and online resources to help you understand and work on your emotions that can teach you how to think correctly and behave appropriately.

Perhaps you might like to take some of your own advice, and apply it to yourself - considering how you've responded here.
 

Luca

charm & chaos
V.I.P Member
I don't usually step out of line, but, just to put it out there... Owliet has been nothing but sweet and caring and helpful the whole time she has been here. Some of these comments are super rude!
 

Owliet

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
If many people tell you the same thing, they're probably right. I doubt anyone is gaslighting you or thinks you're a loser. They probably ignore you, don't explain things, and treat you like a child because they think you have the emotional maturity of a child and believe you're unwilling or incapable of changing since you've been the same way for awhile. Your statement "I’m better off being on my own if I’m difficult to live with" is an example of emotional immaturity (it's how children react). An emotionally mature adult would focus on figuring out why they're difficulty to live with and work to overcome it until they're no longer difficult to live with. The first step to becoming emotionally mature is self-awareness. There are plenty of books and online resources to help you understand and work on your emotions that can teach you how to think correctly and behave appropriately.
What are you doing that leads to these comments? I find it hard to believe that you're doing absolutely nothing and yet are randomly talked to this way.

I’m not pretending that I don’t have my moments, although I’m sure almost everyone on the spectrum has their moments. What’s the saying? “ thee who casts the first stone”?

In the cases this week, with the one exception of misunderstanding on my part,which if you’re super curious that’s the blanking event, apparently my mom didn’t actually hear me (which is fair as she has a hearing aid) and my sister just blanked me but she does that, it actually hasn’t been that much to warrant the responses. I’d get it if it was from my dad or my mom, but my sister?

And for that response that I act like a child and that I bring too much stress, all I asked if she could maybe help out with helping my mom who’s got 1-2 years to live. Then called her out on her selfishness and told her to shape up. Unless you’re both implying that I should just carry on with this myself with zero support from other family members? Because I can do. I’ve been doing it for a few years now. Because my dad isn’t good with this and my sister thinks only about herself and her wants. I have a ton of responsibility that’s been put on me since I was old enough to handle it. Yet, my life gets put on hold to care for my mom whilst my sister can carry on like normal.

When I wrote this post, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed and pushed, because I’ve had it for only a few days. I feel like I’m unwanted, and isolated. That every time I take a step forward I take two back. That I’m a constant disappointment, that I’m unworthy to have friends or a relationship or any semblance of a life that’s happy. But that’s a ME problem because my self esteem currently is so low that it’s brittle to shatter. I’m also dealing with depression again because obviously I can’t handle life. Yay! /sarcasm To add to this, When I found out she’s going to go to somewhere without inviting me when we had originally thought to go together, that hurt and made me realize that she only spends time with me when she has no one else or when I have money so she can manipulate me into buying stuff for her. And I stupidly let her because I think it’s the only way to have a sibling bond with her. But that’s something that I have to move on from. I mean why would I want to be around someone who uses me and then puts me back in a box?

To add to this mix, I’m already a bit vulnerable and stressed for other reasons(Work, social stuff, moms impending death in 1-2 years, my soon to be out of a job and will have to go through the stuff again to hopefully get another one, so that means my Independence that I’ve gained will be gone) but I felt like home should be a safe place but instead I get **** from my sister, which is too much to bottle up obviously with everything else. Hence the vent. So Sorry for venting all my emotional feelings and insecurities. Usually I break down and vent out on myself (which no doubt you’ll think to be immature) but I thought it would be much healthier to vent out on here in which I perceived to be a safe space. Which was obviously a mistake.
 

Fino

Alex
V.I.P Member
You're going through a LOT, and a lot of it you shouldn't have to be going through. Your sister needs to step it up but isn't, and that's hard. It's not immature for you to be venting. In fact, I would argue that it's more emotionally mature.
 

Matthias

Well-Known Member
I’m not pretending that I don’t have my moments, although I’m sure almost everyone on the spectrum has their moments. What’s the saying? “ thee who casts the first stone”?

In the cases this week, with the one exception of misunderstanding on my part,which if you’re super curious that’s the blanking event, apparently my mom didn’t actually hear me (which is fair as she has a hearing aid) and my sister just blanked me but she does that, it actually hasn’t been that much to warrant the responses. I’d get it if it was from my dad or my mom, but my sister?

And for that response that I act like a child and that I bring too much stress, all I asked if she could maybe help out with helping my mom who’s got 1-2 years to live. Then called her out on her selfishness and told her to shape up. Unless you’re both implying that I should just carry on with this myself with zero support from other family members? Because I can do. I’ve been doing it for a few years now. Because my dad isn’t good with this and my sister thinks only about herself and her wants. I have a ton of responsibility that’s been put on me since I was old enough to handle it. Yet, my life gets put on hold to care for my mom whilst my sister can carry on like normal.

When I wrote this post, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed and pushed, because I’ve had it for only a few days. I feel like I’m unwanted, and isolated. That every time I take a step forward I take two back. That I’m a constant disappointment, that I’m unworthy to have friends or a relationship or any semblance of a life that’s happy. But that’s a ME problem because my self esteem currently is so low that it’s brittle to shatter. I’m also dealing with depression again because obviously I can’t handle life. Yay! /sarcasm To add to this, When I found out she’s going to go to somewhere without inviting me when we had originally thought to go together, that hurt and made me realize that she only spends time with me when she has no one else or when I have money so she can manipulate me into buying stuff for her. And I stupidly let her because I think it’s the only way to have a sibling bond with her. But that’s something that I have to move on from. I mean why would I want to be around someone who uses me and then puts me back in a box?

To add to this mix, I’m already a bit vulnerable and stressed for other reasons(Work, social stuff, moms impending death in 1-2 years, my soon to be out of a job and will have to go through the stuff again to hopefully get another one, so that means my Independence that I’ve gained will be gone) but I felt like home should be a safe place but instead I get **** from my sister, which is too much to bottle up obviously with everything else. Hence the vent. So Sorry for venting all my emotional feelings and insecurities. Usually I break down and vent out on myself (which no doubt you’ll think to be immature) but I thought it would be much healthier to vent out on here in which I perceived to be a safe space. Which was obviously a mistake.

I feel bad your family treats you the way they do. The intent of my previously reply wasn't to blame you or say they're right but to give you advice on how to deal with it. One important lesson I learned is that it's nearly impossible to change other people because their beliefs affect how they interpret things and those interpretations reinforce their beliefs which causes their beliefs to strengthen over time. Calling people out on their selfishness and telling them to shape up never works because no one believes they're selfish. The reason for that is people who thought they were selfish would either change themselves on their own or rationalize their behavior until they no longer felt they were selfish. The best you can do to get your family to treat you better is to understand why they treat you the way they do so you can so you can change how you act around them to get them to respond differently than they do now.

If you want to reduce your stress and overcome your depression, you have to change yourself. Understanding your emotions better would greatly help you accomplish those goals.

There are different degrees of emotional maturity:
Worst - Bottle up or suppress many distressing emotions to avoid dealing with them
Better - Talk about your feelings and vent your emotions
Best - Change harmful beliefs, thinking patterns, and behaviors that cause or contribute to distressing emotions

If you've developed a habit of thinking negatively, you will focus on the negative aspects of your life and interpret situations more negatively which will cause you to experience more stress and sadness. Those emotions will reinforce your negative beliefs about yourself and other people which will result in you thinking more negatively in the future.

If you get into a habit of thinking positively, you will focus more on the positive aspects of your life and interpret situations more positively which will cause you to experience more emotions that help you feel better. Those emotions will improve your opinion of yourself and other people which will result in you thinking more positively in the future.

Here's a link to a video explaining emotions that I found to be helpful:
Emotions and Feelings • Schema Therapy Online
 

AprilR

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Family def doesn't know best. It is hard not to internalize others' thoughts about you but it is not reality. You are the person who know yourself best.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
I’m not pretending that I don’t have my moments, although I’m sure almost everyone on the spectrum has their moments. What’s the saying? “ thee who casts the first stone”?

In the cases this week, with the one exception of misunderstanding on my part,which if you’re super curious that’s the blanking event, apparently my mom didn’t actually hear me (which is fair as she has a hearing aid) and my sister just blanked me but she does that, it actually hasn’t been that much to warrant the responses. I’d get it if it was from my dad or my mom, but my sister?

And for that response that I act like a child and that I bring too much stress, all I asked if she could maybe help out with helping my mom who’s got 1-2 years to live. Then called her out on her selfishness and told her to shape up. Unless you’re both implying that I should just carry on with this myself with zero support from other family members? Because I can do. I’ve been doing it for a few years now. Because my dad isn’t good with this and my sister thinks only about herself and her wants. I have a ton of responsibility that’s been put on me since I was old enough to handle it. Yet, my life gets put on hold to care for my mom whilst my sister can carry on like normal.

When I wrote this post, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed and pushed, because I’ve had it for only a few days. I feel like I’m unwanted, and isolated. That every time I take a step forward I take two back. That I’m a constant disappointment, that I’m unworthy to have friends or a relationship or any semblance of a life that’s happy. But that’s a ME problem because my self esteem currently is so low that it’s brittle to shatter. I’m also dealing with depression again because obviously I can’t handle life. Yay! /sarcasm To add to this, When I found out she’s going to go to somewhere without inviting me when we had originally thought to go together, that hurt and made me realize that she only spends time with me when she has no one else or when I have money so she can manipulate me into buying stuff for her. And I stupidly let her because I think it’s the only way to have a sibling bond with her. But that’s something that I have to move on from. I mean why would I want to be around someone who uses me and then puts me back in a box?

To add to this mix, I’m already a bit vulnerable and stressed for other reasons(Work, social stuff, moms impending death in 1-2 years, my soon to be out of a job and will have to go through the stuff again to hopefully get another one, so that means my Independence that I’ve gained will be gone) but I felt like home should be a safe place but instead I get **** from my sister, which is too much to bottle up obviously with everything else. Hence the vent. So Sorry for venting all my emotional feelings and insecurities. Usually I break down and vent out on myself (which no doubt you’ll think to be immature) but I thought it would be much healthier to vent out on here in which I perceived to be a safe space. Which was obviously a mistake.

It was perfectly fine to vent here. Sometimes we can trigger from family issues and bite the poster. It's not you, just so many of us here suffer from bad family dynamics. And being gaslighted or manipulated by our mom, dad, or siblings does happen routinely. So we made become upset reading random things, it goes straight to anger, then out comes our bad response. Please don't take it personally.

It was great that you felt okay to talk about this. My brother has always been wishy washy in his care towards me. My father was never there, and my mom gaslighted me sporadically.
 

Hukumka

New Member
Honestly, right now I’m in your situation. I won’t go into detail about it since it’s personal stuff, but I just thought it would be nice for you to know that you’re not going through this alone.
Also...
I feel bad your family treats you the way they do. The intent of my previously reply wasn't to blame you or say they're right...
Matthias, you also said:
If many people tell you the same thing, they're probably right.
I understand you’re just trying to help, but personally I would never force someone to change who they are, or force others to “fit in” with others. In fact, this is a thing I HATE seeing other people do. Sorry if I offended you.
 

Matthias

Well-Known Member
Honestly, right now I’m in your situation. I won’t go into detail about it since it’s personal stuff, but I just thought it would be nice for you to know that you’re not going through this alone.
Also...

Matthias, you also said:

I understand you’re just trying to help, but personally I would never force someone to change who they are, or force others to “fit in” with others. In fact, this is a thing I HATE seeing other people do. Sorry if I offended you.

No one is born a certain way. You are whoever you choose to be. Every child is immature but most people choose to grow up and correct their flaws. Refusing to change when your behavior annoys or otherwise harms people around you isn't being yourself, it's being stubborn and immature. If you're a grown adult but still act like a child because you stubbornly refused to listen when people gave you advice that would have helped you become a better person, people will rightly call you out on it and not accept you because of it. Everyone else worked hard to become the person they are today. What makes you so special that you shouldn't have to do anything?

If you have personality flaws or other personal weaknesses that are severe enough that people keep pointing them out, you have two options:

1. Lament about being put down, how life is so unfair, and how people are insensitive. Resign yourself to a life of never being accepted because you're unwilling to change since your flaws are part of who you are. Tell yourself that people should accept you and put up with your flaws even if they feel worse around you because your needs are the only ones that matter.

2. Listen to what people are telling you and work to become a better person until you're good enough for people to accept you.

Most people choose option 2 because they want to be accepted so they can be happy and enjoy their life. The people I know who choose option 1 struggle with mental illness that doesn't go away because they keep blaming everyone else for their problems.
 

Thinx

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
There are plenty more choices than two, and this is as @Neonatal RRT said, a complex issue. Probably it would be good if you, @Matthias , stopped oversimplifying other people's issues and reflected more on why you yourself think this way? Try also to soften what you say, that's one of your many choices for being less dogmatic and prescriptive here. You seem to me to be slipping back into your previous mode on here, under your former name. Please don't.
 

Alaric593

Well-Known Member
It’s only been a few days with being off for the holidays but so far, it seems like my sister feels like it’s acceptable to talk to me like I’m a little kid. This constant condescending attitude is starting to really get to me but then I get gaslighted with the “I’m only talking to you like this because you’re doing this...”, “I’ll stop talking to you like a child if you act like one” and “it’s all in my head” when I have tried to challenge her about it. Funny that it seems like as soon as she’s got a boyfriend that she suddenly becomes all all worldly, and let’s ignore all what she’s put us through before her dating this guy.

Today, I was talking and both mom and her ignored me, then because I made the comment that I feel like I’m being ignored and that my words don’t matter, I got the “it’s all in my head.” But there was no recognition that either of them were listening to me. She completely blanked me off. since coming back home, she’s also said to me that I am difficult to live with and it was nicer when it was just her and dad because I bring too much stress. She’s also going to an event without me, but didn’t tell me this until these last few days. She only wants to hang out with me when she has no one, and I’m tired of it but it is also a difficult realization that I have no one. I feel like she’s using my ASD to play against me. She’s just horrible.

So, maybe people are right. I’m better off being on my own if I’m difficult to live with. I’m also perceived as a grossly immature loser. After all, family know you best, right?

Family does know you best, that's why they can push our buttons like no one else lol
 

Matthias

Well-Known Member
There are plenty more choices than two, and this is as @Neonatal RRT said, a complex issue. Probably it would be good if you, @Matthias , stopped oversimplifying other people's issues and reflected more on why you yourself think this way? Try also to soften what you say, that's one of your many choices for being less dogmatic and prescriptive here. You seem to me to be slipping back into your previous mode on here, under your former name. Please don't.

It sounds like you're saying I should conform to your standards instead of being myself because there is something wrong with who I am. I feel like you're putting me down for not being soft enough.

I prefer direct straightforward responses when I ask for advice. I think many people have a tendency to overcomplexify their issues and I think it would be more helpful if people would simplify the issue and be more direct.
 

Owliet

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Honestly, right now I’m in your situation. I won’t go into detail about it since it’s personal stuff, but I just thought it would be nice for you to know that you’re not going through this alone.
Also...

Matthias, you also said:

I understand you’re just trying to help, but personally I would never force someone to change who they are, or force others to “fit in” with others. In fact, this is a thing I HATE seeing other people do. Sorry if I offended you.
I’m sorry that you have a similar situation.
No one is born a certain way. You are whoever you choose to be. Every child is immature but most people choose to grow up and correct their flaws. Refusing to change when your behavior annoys or otherwise harms people around you isn't being yourself, it's being stubborn and immature. If you're a grown adult but still act like a child because you stubbornly refused to listen when people gave you advice that would have helped you become a better person, people will rightly call you out on it and not accept you because of it. Everyone else worked hard to become the person they are today. What makes you so special that you shouldn't have to do anything?

If you have personality flaws or other personal weaknesses that are severe enough that people keep pointing them out, you have two options:

1. Lament about being put down, how life is so unfair, and how people are insensitive. Resign yourself to a life of never being accepted because you're unwilling to change since your flaws are part of who you are. Tell yourself that people should accept you and put up with your flaws even if they feel worse around you because your needs are the only ones that matter.

2. Listen to what people are telling you and work to become a better person until you're good enough for people to accept you.

Most people choose option 2 because they want to be accepted so they can be happy and enjoy their life. The people I know who choose option 1 struggle with mental illness that doesn't go away because they keep blaming everyone else for their problems.
You don’t really understand how much words can affect someone do you? When I posted this it was one issue which was pretty minimal although in the state that I was in it felt like it was happening all the time when it wasn’t really attached to underlining issues that became too much.

I thought this forum was a safe space for people to post and support each other and it’s not like I post and whine about everything going on but I’m wrong because you seem to think things ABout me that you don’t even have any interactions with prior and yet to you all of this is 190% correct and everyone is out to get me because I’m a terrible person and they all say so and I need to work to be better ?

Your “helpful” /sarcasm advice at the time was not. You made it worse because I was already in a bad place with thought and insecurities and a ton of other things, I actively stopped posting on here after your “help” because I thought you were right. You pushed me because I was already feeling very low and depressed and I self harmed as a means to vent. So thanks a lot for that. It made me feel more isolated and desperate and destroyed than I was.

Because a lot has happened this year already that has been difficult I’m now seeing my psychiatrist more regularly,so I am getting Real support. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety with a breakdown so maybe that’s minor for you but Im trying to help myself out of this.

because you were so eager to make assumptions a blunt explanation for you since you like directness: My family life is very complicated and difficult even without me having ASD in the mix. I’ve had to take a ton of responsibilities for a terminally ill parent who has gotten sicker every single year since I was old enough to do it (that’s 11 years old), and we get told that it’s end game now a,though the doctors will give her another operation soon to see if that can help prolong. everytime she goes to the apotheke we come out with a big bag of medication. I have to lift her up now and she’s so light because she weighs 43 kg and isn’t putting weight on. I am the one who is expected to always help her out and I do it all the time without complaint because she’s my mom but it WouLd be nice to have additional support especially when she collapses on the floor. roll that in with a strange and unhealthy family dynamic Because my pysch also sees my mom to help her at this time but also to help me deal with it because I’m not dealing with it well and believes that she has a disorder which makes a ton of sense because it’s not fully pleasant to live in regardless but she is still my mom, but apparently according to you these are minor things. I wish I could have minor things to worry about. i would love to complain about not being looked at correctly, laughed at or wanting a GF. id even love to complain about the weather. My life is often on hold because of all of this and I wish I could be selfish at times like my sibling and go “nope im off to go do this instead”. I had a job that took me out of this except for holidays and now I’ve lost that (I was not fired, I got really nice references actually that said a ton of positive things)but that is an additional issue.

I’m not a terrible person. I may have my moments but I can see that I’m a better person than I think I am otherwise I would drop all the responsibilities and be everything that you say and more.
 

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