Okay, bear with me for a bit here, as this is one of those ones where I feel like I'm going to get the phrasing a bit tangled up. It's hard to entirely explain what I'm getting at here, but I'll do my best.
So, my current situation is still in a frozen state... I aint going to explain the whole trans thing to anyone here until my father is feeling better (seriously he's a total mess right now, and both him and my stepmother are constantly low on sleep, I'm not about to add to their stress with a major reveal right now). This is... frustrating, but it's given me some time to ponder other aspects that are somewhat connected to this whole thing, yet not specifically connected to gender.
Here's the thing: this isnt JUST about telling everyone that I'm a girl. There's more to it than that. See, I'm also just... tired of masking. Just tired of it. Now, I dont mask 100% all the time. I tend to still have some odd traits, and I still look at least a little feminine most of the time (but I generally hold that back a LOT even so), and I'm aware that the whole autism thing can affect my behavior, so I'm constantly trying to control that (and I think many of you know how that goes). Also, there's my interests (and obsessions), I tend not to talk about them much, and there's one in particular that I've never even revealed. And I'm not the sort to try to squash myself into a specific little box to fit in with specific social groups. You know, stuff like that.
But... it's hard. First of all, I aint exactly the confident sort. Never was. I think there are times when I can SEEM really confident, like "I'll definitely accomplish this", that sort of thing, but... no, that's really just obsessive stubbornness. And it only happens if I want something badly enough.
Aside from that though, well... one thing I've always, always struggled with is the idea that I'm just... too freaking weird for those around me. Like, even while masking I'm definitely outside of the norm, and I often already feel strange enough just with that. But really properly being myself is... yeah. It feels like that'd shove that way further.
This applies to a lot of different aspects. For instance, general... mannerisms? Not sure if that's the right word. A bit of an example: something that I will do with some people that I talk to regularly is to use videos. At some point I had the funky idea of using VR to produce a method of communication. Think of like... leaving a voice message, but it's not JUST voice, it's a full video where I can be seen on screen... appearing in VR as an avatar of my choice, standing in front of a magic floating camera thing (which captures what it sees as a video). It lets me show some neat visuals and other stuff while I ramble on, to maybe keep it more interesting, but it also lets me not just be a disembodied voice the whole time. It also allows body language and such to show through. And it's a nice change from the huge text blobs that I use in most places.
Generally, when doing one of these, it's typically with someone that has gotten to know me to a certain point where I can let the mask fall. There arent many I talk to in this way, but... there's a couple. So, I act very differently in the videos than I do IRL (where I'm masking at all times).
Like, IRL I tend to be... well, I aint very expressive. I keep to myself, tend to not move around all that much when interacting, and stuff like that. But when communicating that way (or if I'm at, like, a convention, where I'm usually totally blasted on caffeine)... and letting the mask drop... it's different. I move around a lot and lean in different directions, and tend to wave my arms around a bunch more (comparatively). A lot more "expressive", that sort of thing. Typically a wider range of voice pitch/tone, too.
I'm tired of constantly forcing myself to tone it down so far IRL, but... again, it's that feeling of "that'd be too weird", that sort of thing. I just cant shake that.
I dunno. The whole concept has been bugging me these past few days as I go mad from boredom (waiting on the PC still, bah). But it's about time I confront it.
So... er... any thoughts? Do you deal with any of this sort of thing?
So, my current situation is still in a frozen state... I aint going to explain the whole trans thing to anyone here until my father is feeling better (seriously he's a total mess right now, and both him and my stepmother are constantly low on sleep, I'm not about to add to their stress with a major reveal right now). This is... frustrating, but it's given me some time to ponder other aspects that are somewhat connected to this whole thing, yet not specifically connected to gender.
Here's the thing: this isnt JUST about telling everyone that I'm a girl. There's more to it than that. See, I'm also just... tired of masking. Just tired of it. Now, I dont mask 100% all the time. I tend to still have some odd traits, and I still look at least a little feminine most of the time (but I generally hold that back a LOT even so), and I'm aware that the whole autism thing can affect my behavior, so I'm constantly trying to control that (and I think many of you know how that goes). Also, there's my interests (and obsessions), I tend not to talk about them much, and there's one in particular that I've never even revealed. And I'm not the sort to try to squash myself into a specific little box to fit in with specific social groups. You know, stuff like that.
But... it's hard. First of all, I aint exactly the confident sort. Never was. I think there are times when I can SEEM really confident, like "I'll definitely accomplish this", that sort of thing, but... no, that's really just obsessive stubbornness. And it only happens if I want something badly enough.
Aside from that though, well... one thing I've always, always struggled with is the idea that I'm just... too freaking weird for those around me. Like, even while masking I'm definitely outside of the norm, and I often already feel strange enough just with that. But really properly being myself is... yeah. It feels like that'd shove that way further.
This applies to a lot of different aspects. For instance, general... mannerisms? Not sure if that's the right word. A bit of an example: something that I will do with some people that I talk to regularly is to use videos. At some point I had the funky idea of using VR to produce a method of communication. Think of like... leaving a voice message, but it's not JUST voice, it's a full video where I can be seen on screen... appearing in VR as an avatar of my choice, standing in front of a magic floating camera thing (which captures what it sees as a video). It lets me show some neat visuals and other stuff while I ramble on, to maybe keep it more interesting, but it also lets me not just be a disembodied voice the whole time. It also allows body language and such to show through. And it's a nice change from the huge text blobs that I use in most places.
Generally, when doing one of these, it's typically with someone that has gotten to know me to a certain point where I can let the mask fall. There arent many I talk to in this way, but... there's a couple. So, I act very differently in the videos than I do IRL (where I'm masking at all times).
Like, IRL I tend to be... well, I aint very expressive. I keep to myself, tend to not move around all that much when interacting, and stuff like that. But when communicating that way (or if I'm at, like, a convention, where I'm usually totally blasted on caffeine)... and letting the mask drop... it's different. I move around a lot and lean in different directions, and tend to wave my arms around a bunch more (comparatively). A lot more "expressive", that sort of thing. Typically a wider range of voice pitch/tone, too.
I'm tired of constantly forcing myself to tone it down so far IRL, but... again, it's that feeling of "that'd be too weird", that sort of thing. I just cant shake that.
I dunno. The whole concept has been bugging me these past few days as I go mad from boredom (waiting on the PC still, bah). But it's about time I confront it.
So... er... any thoughts? Do you deal with any of this sort of thing?